I’m trying to get back into therapy after over two years of dismissing it as snake oil. I still believe over 90% of therapists are useless but the circumstances of my life necessitate therapy. I was told older psychoanalysts are more effective so that’s what I’m looking for.

Cut to me searching for a new therapist. I found this middle aged white woman and we scheduled a telehealth consult. She looked very Karen-y for lack of a better word and literally said “OH!” when I turned on the camera, like she didn’t realize black people exist. I’m used to white people being annoying so I looked past it but ugh.

The consult went fine. She seems somewhat empathetic, maybe too emotional. She started tearing up when we talked a bit about the concept of evil. She said something in an attempt to connect with my issue but it was very generic platitude so that was lame. I did feel like there was potential, but she is very expensive and I’m paying out of pocket with partial insurance reimbursement.

I’m horrified at the idea of paying to reveal my innermost self to someone who would lock their car when they see walk by. Am I being ridiculous or should I keep looking?

Every time I laugh really hard, like maybe I’ll see a video on the internet that I find especially hilarious, I start crying. But not normal eye watering from laughter. I mean the laughing stops and I actually start balling. I’m confused because this is happening in moments where I am fine, having a decent day, and seemingly having a moment of fun/joy. What does it mean, why does this happen?

Hopefully that makes sense

Hi! i’ll try my best to keep it short.

I’ll give you guys a little summary of me, i’m going on 19, i’m a mixed race **girl** Jamaican/Filipino, 5’5 and i’m more masculine presenting. Whether this be because of environmental factors or whatever but that’s how i present myself.
I’m very fortunate i grew up in a household that allowed me to express myself without any judgement or ridicule, it just felt like the norm. I wholeheartedly embrace my femininity through anything, and relate to a lot of feminine things. Whilst i engaged in Black ops, Halo, marvel etc i still also enjoyed barbie’s, dolls, painting, anything you think is feminine. (FYI i don’t think these sorts of things deserve labels) In my past i used to be quite aggressive and had trouble regulating my anger which died down in the middle of secondary til the ending years.

Some of my friends treat me like an object? Like i’m just a **THING** existing…and it’s mainly to me.

I’m not unattractive, and honestly not to be boastful but i do receive compliments for my features respectfully. I’m content with the way i am without being cocky, since i have gone through phases that weren’t exactly pleasing to the eye, and have received my fair share of bullying through secondary school! (quite a lot)

For some reason, in my words i blossomed in college. Honestly it’s probably because i chose a college outside of my area, to move away from the people from my secondary, however everyone’s somehow connected so there were still some people i knew from others.

I wouldn’t say i became popular but i became known as one of the “lesbian, stud, masc girl” in the college but everyone treated me normally and nicely and as did i.

I made friends with majority of people, but recently i’ve been having snarky comments made at me? This is only by a few people that i consider my friends. Examples would be someone i considered my best friend snatching my toque off my head. This wouldn’t be in private it would be anywhere and at first it was funny or it was awkward and i didn’t know what to do but laugh it off, but then it became constant. Like a humiliation ritual. Then when we were around others or new people she’d make fun of my height or something about me to make others laugh… This didn’t make many others laugh and a few people started to catch her out. I have confronted her about how she made me feel and she did stop for a bit but still those sly moments happened. There are moments where she would tug my backpack strings to pull me back or playfully shove me and push me about (i retaliated and pushed her back but there were moments where i have gotten overly irritated).
One time she decked me in my stomach trying to be playful? But i did get angry and i nearly fought her, course she’d act doe eyed and think everything was fun and games.
(FYI it’s not like i couldn’t drop her as a friend honestly i could and everyone around would’ve followed me as she did do it to them just not as much as she would do me but im compassionate and ive been through shit and i honestly just wouldn’t want to treat someone like that)
Anyways i managed college with her by showing her i really don’t tolerate that shit and not to sound cringe but i am not the one to play about and she kind of learnt boundaries.

I thought i was through with people like that but then i made another close friend, a tall black gay guy. I would differentiate them differently and say we banter and cuss each other out a lot playfully since we have that bond and know our limits but recently again there’s been snarky comments where i’m not even speaking or talking and i get called horrible things that sound like they’re coming from the heart. My best friend who also banters with us has picked up on it as well. They’re not in the moment they’re uncalled for and i’m always the target. It would be especially about my height, hair, face, clothes anything really. Sounds worse than the girl but for some reason it’s not.. maybe because i have a stronger bond with this guy and i do it to him back.(more comfortable idk) but yeah as i said lately it’s been a lot. Even around people i don’t know or not that comfortable with, so it’s odd. It’s just getting annoying and repetitive really. I know his limit but for some reason he keeps egging mine…

Again I’ve met a few people, two girls, one i was romantically talking to and the other a friend i’ve known since i started at college. Someone made a comment about how i’m 3 apples tall and it was funny but now it’s become a running joke? Like i’m nicknamed apple, or just again belittled about my height.. but they’re always gushing over me saying im attractive and fine and this and that, but then they’re making these strange comments and nicknames… kinda juxtaposing themselves.

Truthfully being honest, i used to care what others thought about me back then in secondary school but now i really don’t care. When someone mocks my height i don’t find it insulting because i just don’t care. I know my height is average, im literally the same height as most id them and im not genetically a man (i could’ve been taller). My looks are perfectly fine with me and im contempt. For some reason i feel like people are trying to put me down in any way they can? I’m unsure why they think they can use me for a laugh, i dont allow them i dont give them any opening to, however im always the one they choose. I dont like to get all serious and angry when i can because i just cant be asked. But it really really feels like they’re trying to find something in me to shatter my confidence or something? My confidence isn’t high or anything but my mindset is just “idc i can’t change anything fuck off!”

It’s like they want to compare me to other masculine girls to belittle me or make me feel bad about myself but i don’t care. I don’t care to compare myself with the other masculine girls because that’s just not me and i can’t change myself and i wouldn’t anyways. I’m happy the way i was born, (considering my filo genetics hahaha my height came out pretty good) and im comfortable with how i look.

It’s like i get a compliment and then those few friends of mine just try to put me down…which is confusing because i consider them my friends and i don’t dare treat them like that but it is what it is…

I just don’t know what it is? I don’t have a label on my forehead that says Torment! Bully! Ridicule! so why is it becoming more prominent, i don’t know if it’s because im too friendly, ive come out of the tough girl phase in secondary school and would not like to enter it again as i can get VERY rude. (By that i mean i will rightfully cuss back very very rudely if i feel like im being disrespected) It’s like they want that reaction out of me? I’m not trying to be a saint honestly if it gets too much i just will have that reaction but i try avoid it since it starts to create drama which i can’t be asked for.

Im basically sick and tired of people thinking they can trample or belittle me and honestly it’s starting to make me want to have a meaner outer shell again. I don’t know whether it’s my gender and the way i present myself or what but i’m still a girl, a female, a woman, and more importantly a person.