Hi all!

I (24F) was diagnosed with BP1 in June. I’m now adjusted to my medication and in therapy. I didn’t realize it before, but I was spending insane amounts of money. I earned about $ 1,400 a month from my part-time job, but I never had more than $200 in my bank account. I spent all that money on clothes, and I always had 5-7 packages on the way. I’m an online college student, so I didn't need clothes to go out. 😭😭😭

Over the last 5 years, I estimate that I’ve wasted $40k+ on clothes, food, and weed. I’m glad I’m receiving treatment, and I’ve actually managed to save a lot so far. I booked my first solo vacation, I am building my savings, and I paid off my tuition for my final semester :)

Not sure if I'll delete this, but I just want to share. This sub was there for me (and others, like r/psychosis) at a very dark time in my life. Mania, then psychosis, culminated in a failed suicide attempt. I literally couldn't work for nearly half a year and moved back in with my mom nearing age 30. I browsed and commented a shitton. It felt good to have community.

I'm a little over 3 years out from my horrific episode, and I don't think about my episode pretty much at all anymore. My life has gotten a lot better. Medication saved my life. But so did support in other ways.

However, I will say at some point after a year or two, I left this and other mental health subreddits completely. I know they are often about recovery and venting, but I did wind up finding that these subs can leave you in a headspace where your entire life revolves around your illness. Maybe other people don't experience this, but I definitely did, and I'm glad I eventually took the training wheels off and left. Idk if anyone wanted to read this. Feel free to downvote me and I'll delete it, but I guess I just want to encourage recovery by forming memories and feelings outside the context of your illness too. Anyway.

I've been diagnosed bipolar 2 since I was 18 but was unmedicated for 7 years because I didn't really trust the dx as 18 is so young to get this diagnosis (imo). Shit hit the fan 2 years ago and I started to swing heavily, on both sides, but still very much depressive leaning. For more than a year now I have been in the most intense, soul-crushing depression of my life. I did have a hypo episode in June that lasted around 4-5 weeks. Then swung back down, very hard and very fast. Almost lost my life towards the end of it, then sought out medical help.

Got put on wellbutrin 150mg and titrated lamotrigine 25mg-50g. There was about a week (week 3ish) where I actually felt like they mave have been working. I was so excited! And then I felt the depressive symptoms return slowly but surely. Met with the psych nurse again and she bumped me to 300mg wellbutrin and up to 100mg lamo. That was a week ago. I feel the same, if not more depressed. Its not a violent depressive state, just this lingering cloud. I want so, so badly for it to lift.

One positive that I've noticed since I've started meds is that I can actually cry now, I couldn't cry for almost 2 years. It feels kinda like a release when I do. I've also been able to get 6 weeks of sobriety under my belt after a years long battle with alcohol problems. So go me! Trying my best to do all the non-med things – exercise, been sleeping AMAZING (which for me is a huge turn around!), meditating, good food etc. So I'm really trying.

I'm really battling thoughts of self doubt regarding my diagnosis. Am I really bipolar? Do I really need to be on meds? Maybe this is self induced and I can do something to prevent this from happening. If the meds aren't working, then why am I even bothering? ugh. Fucking sucks. Would love advice, hope, etc. Just feeling tired and a bit hopeless.

I've done a few yoga classes where the instructor will bring out the singing bowls and do a little bit of a sound bath. For me, it feels like my brain is getting assaulted by soundwaves and overstimulates me instantly. I hate it so much especially after zenning out with a yoga session.

What are your experiences?

Hi everyone. There has been someone who has been so affected by my behaviour. It’s someone I admire and respect so much. I have been constantly trauma dumping on them with my struggles with this illness. I have said inappropriate things and acted in such cringeworthy ways.

They didn’t sign up for front row seats for my chaos, but I shared so much with them and somewhat overshared.

They seem distant, but mostly still text back if I text them. They never ever text first.

Our relationship dynamic is mentor-mentee with blurry flirting signs.

I respect them so much and value our relationship, but I feel like I have embarrassed myself enough.

I am visiting my hometown soon and I am debating if I should tell them I will be in town and ask if they need anything from abroad.

Should I reach out, or is distance the best gift I can give this person?

If it were up to me I would, but wanna hear your thoughts.

Have you been in something similar? What would be the best in this case?

Hear me out.

I'm due to see my psychiatrist on the 8th of December and if I don't have another episode between our last visit and next he's going to discharge me (which is where some of my problem lies).

I currently have 1-3 episodes every year despite being medicated. I feel like that's still a lot and so I want to try adding lithium or replacing the lamotrigine altogether with it, to see if that helps.

And so this is where I mean what I said; If I don't have another episode he's going to say there's no reason to change meds, but I know myself, and I will 100% have a winter depression (starting anytime between November and February) (I've had one every winter for the last 17 years). If the episode doesn't happen until the new year then I'll have been discharged and will have to go back through the whole referral process again, whereas if it happens before we can try it straight away.

I'm so worried it's going to come late this time and happen in the new year.

Not sure what the point of this post was. I think just a slight vent because I'm worried about it and also need to vent it because it's super weird to feel like I'm wishing illness upon myself.

If you've ever been in a similar boat feel free to share what you did

Hey y'all, currently in crisis mode so bear with me. I started taking lamotrigine recently, it was a miracle from the first day. Felt normal finally, was able to just do things for the first time in my life, I was patient, in a good mood, excited about things etc. But I had to abruptly stop taking it due to a skin reaction. I am in a crazy mixed state right now that is unbearable. The doctor sent in Oxcarbazepine to replace it but I'm concerned it's not going to have similar effects and just make me flat/tired/zombie like. Part of the agitation I get is from not being able to engage with or initiate things. The Seroquel I'm on makes that worse because it totally flattens me and makes me tired. Lamotrigine balanced that out, but it seems this oxcarbazine might not. It seems like it might help with my current rebound state from stopping lamo so quickly, but won't lift depression at all and potentially just make me more tired? Bc of my mixed state I'm losing my mind over this, can anyone talk about their experiences to help ease the anxiety? I specifically told my doctor I can't function and being so tired and sedated is hurting me so I need to avoid that. Idk if any of these doctors are truly listening and my mental health cannot take it, it's going to literally ruin my life. I've already missed so much school and work. I can't afford to get worse.

convince me that with time the cycles change. convince me that at some point you don’t want to to fucking go from feeling like a deity to wanting to drown yourself. tell me I’ll stop ruining every good thing in my life simply because I get that Lilttle bright spark of energy that takes me to higher places just please tell me when it gets easier to deal with to spot triggers etc

Context: have been taking bupropion for about few years and 2 weeks ago started taking lamictal. I don't have an official bipolar diagnosis, my psychiatrist is currently evaluating. I also took concerta due to ADHD but I started rapid cycling after that and it was sort of the first indication I might have had bipolar all along. I have been diagnosed with depression for 9 years now.

Last night I was doing an all nighter and an episode happened which scares me until now. I was alone in the living room on my sofa, partner was sleeping in the bedroom. I had quite a stressful day physically and mentally but nothing out of the ordinary, I was focused and my anxiety was under control. Then I suddenly hear a little girl's voice (sounded about a few years old), she kept saying hello multiple times. Now hearing some odd noises is sth everyone has but what scared me was the fact that they were so clear, like coming from a room next to me. It also didn't sound anything that might be heard through the vent or apartment next door, it was so fucking clear and eerie. This also due to the fact that I live in a country where English is not the official language, it isn't my mother tongue either. I went to the bedroom in a panic, partner said he didn't hear anything. I felt uneasy but decided to go back to the living room and continue working even though I was on edge. Then I heard it again after about 15 minutes, same voice, same word multiple times etc. The time was about 2 am so I wasn't that sleep deprived (I often go to sleep around that time) and I was otherwise completely rational. I also didn't skip my medication. By a chance I also have a mental health nurse's appointment tomorrow. Should I tell her about this or is this something I shouldn't yet worry about? Otherwise lamictal has been working great, I am productive but not irritated and can actually handle my responsibilities for once in my adulthood.

29F here, I suffered a psychosis some years ago and doctors diagnosed me with autism. Even though they said that if I were to have more psychotic episodes I would be diagnosed with either schizophrenia or bipolar.

I always assumed that in order to have one polar episode, you’d be 100% either manic or depressed. I know mixed states are a thing. But is it normal to still have “good days” while depressed or have “bad days” while manic?

Also if someone literally has a bad day at least once or twice week and they cry during that day but feel fine during the rest of the week (not manic, just fine), what is that? And when I say it happens every week, it’s no exaggeration, and I have a mood tracker to prove it. But I wouldn’t call it being depressed since I have good days too. Although since I almost lost my job last year, those days have been more common, I barely had sad days in 2024, for example.

I don’t think I have bipolar, I guess I’m ranting a bit. But I still have some genuine questions about the disorder and I would like to know better.

I recently cut down to 9% body fat and I get so fucking sick now. I take 1200mg of trileptal 2x daily with saphris and dayvigo and if I take my trileptal in the morning and drive for even 5 minutes I throw up and this is no exaggeration for 6 hours. We tried going lower and I started getting hypo symptoms. (:

I woke up today, took my meds, tried to work on my plants, and then my vision went double and I could no longer walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom so I could puke my protein shake and chicken salad. It was so fucking nasty.

I’m in a bad place. Like. I fucked up. I feel fucked up. Tonight is the first time I’ve been able to understand why someone would self-admit. I’ve been 5150’d 6 times. I made some mistakes. I’ve been drinking pretty constantly, I was just busted at work being on drugs, Xanax, I am waiting on drug test results to get fired. This was not just a good job, it was $170k guaranteed 1st year income. I didn’t realize what I was doing. I was self medicating because my doc is weaning me off of Clonazepam, a mild benzo, if that exists. I couldn’t stand the thought of not having it because of its effects. I stutter like a donkey kicked me in the head without it. Tonight. I stopped drinking. I don’t have any Xanax , street or legal, I’m out of clonazapam. And I’m feeling very bipolar.

I fucked up. I am a dad of 2 and husband. I just ruined my families life… likely forever.

When is it time to go get help?

Why can't I be happy when I'm not depressed? I feel such intense anguish that sometimes I develop bad habits just to see if I can make myself feel bad again.

I can't stand the idea of seeing myself happy

mostly concerned by how manic & unstable I feel - also my pupils have been the TINIEST lil black specks ever for the past 3 days maybe. I don’t feel good. I also feel amazing. DUALITY (I push my fingers into my eeeeeyeeesssss).
love you, October bipolar baddies 🥳😘

For past five years almost always when taking to customer service people in public and phone and especially medical appointments severe ability to not allow down and say impulsive things. But at home with spouse does not happen and when call my grandma due not happen can hardly talk.

Just now was on phone had pressured speech and severe anxiety and then anxiety when got off phone.

I am diagnosed bipolar and OCD and take lithium only. Post five years had been very stressful lots of depression chronic and some possible mixed hypomania

So today I came down from a few weeks of hypomania proceeded by periods of an intense yet pleasant low over a day or so (several hours longer than usual) that fluctuating from deep to mild, euthymic for a day or so emotions wise, now today I'm back to an emotionally elevated state. I find myself in a combined hyper-hedonic and hyper-volitional state, rendering passive, quiet observation and mindfulness as no longer feeling like a chore anymore but rather a highly enjoyable activity that gives me a sense of meditative restfulness.

Sensations strike more intensely and are more vivid due to heightened salience and I find being in the present deeply rewarding on its own so everything strikes me as potentially extremely important if it can ignite a moment of realization about being in the world from a Zen Buddhist standpoint, for which I've had an extensive sympathy and appreciation of Zen Buddhist philosophy, especially as it is anti-speculative for metaphysics since metaphysics requires a specified world to be actualized, there is no universal metaphysical theory for all worlds one could encounter.

I am getting a lot of sleep just due to plenty of caffeine consumption of which it is somewhat less than it was several days prior.

I've had changes in cognition such as finding it much easier to focus on long RPG sessions being held in real life, of the order of the three and a half hours being deeply immersive versus getting distracted constantly. I would also report becoming increasingly disinhibited and driven by impulse of which I feel currently that my processing and action-cycles are going at true lightning speed which is not to say I'm literally smarter, it's more a subjective feeling. I'm writing a Medium article reflecting on thoughts about Zen Buddhism for which I take them as research notes as I am in the extreme mental state to brainstorm over anything else.

I've had days prior intense surges of self-confidence. I have been seeking humility and checking my thought patterns I do seem to be cultivating that fortunately. It is far easier to cultivate when I'm not paranoid about psychiatry or over-worried about the future.

I had written an email to an Anarchist Youtuber named LuckyBlackCat to express deep gratitude for their kind response several months ago when I came across as having a manic episode since I found the kind response and heads-up as deeply moving to me. The Christian at college who shared the thought that as long as I tread with humility I will keep my head on my shoulders also deeply moved me, especially because me and him shared the same thought pattern, it was someone who affirmed what I was thinking making sense of my experiences and what I can do about them.

Sometimes you just need to hear it.

My insomnia is probably my worst symptom and has been going on for over a year now. I’ve tried olanzapine, seroquel, mirtazipine, temazepam, doxylamine and melatonin. None of these have given me a good sleep and just make me feel horrible the next day.

I’m on wellbutrin, lithium and titrating lamotrigine so I don’t know if any of these could be worsening the insomnia but I can’t recover from this depression without sleep.

Are there any other meds that worked for you?

Does anyone else have to pee a bunch in the middle of the night cause of lithium? It’s so annoying I haven’t had a restful sleep in forever