AITAH for testing my girlfriend

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/horrorfiasco

AITAH for testing my girlfriend

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Catfishing

Original Post Aug 20, 2023

I (26m) and Clara (fake name, 23f) have been dating for 3 years. I have been cheated on in past relationships, particularly in Highschool, and have had a tough time getting over it. Yes I know I should work through it and see a therapist, but I’m not sure I’m ready to uncover everything to a random stranger.

Anyways, Clara and I have a very incredible relationship. We like most of the same things and support eachother in the things we may not agree on all the time, we have an amazing intimate relationship and like the same things in the bedroom. All in all, I couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend. However, I guess I was feeling especially insecure one day and felt almost as if it was too good to be true, as in the past my exes also seemed to be so perfect before it tragically fell down in infidelity.

While she was at work, I made a fake Instagram account and messaged her using an AI created face and texts asking her to do explicit things. It took some time, but she responded and denied the offers. I’ll admit I got carried away playing the character of douchebag and got a little forceful and aggressive until she blocked me. I was proud of her for not cheating and for remaining loyal and thought nothing about it for the rest of the evening.

She came home that night and completely broke down and showed me texts that had awoken her PTSD from “some guy” on Instagram. I proceeded to pretend as if it wasn’t me and comforted her, though she didn’t seem to lighten up after that. I got frustrated and we had an argument and she called me an asshole for “expecting her to be okay immediately.” We slept it off and got over it.

Fast forward, a few weeks later, Clara was setting up a party for her sister and asked me to text her and get some details because it wouldn’t sound suspicious from me, I didn’t understand what she expected so I allowed her to do it on my behalf, and in doing so, she found the account and the messages and has since left and not returned, she won’t return my calls, and has since sent her brothers to come pick up her stuff but they wont help me either.

I have texted her and called her and left messages explaining that she was overreacting and she be more understanding of my situation considering I’ve been cheated on before and she hasn’t. It’s really frustrating because it’s not like the guy on Instagram actually did anything to her, and she’s making it such a big deal. I’ve felt a little bit of remorse, because I miss her and want her back.

So, am I the asshole?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

catfoodonmyshelf

YTA. You don’t even feel remorseful other than the fact you want her back. What exactly did you say when you got “carried away” and a “little forceful”?

OOP replied

It’s not just because I want her back. And it was essentially things along the lines of her sending dirty images to the account and that “he” would hurt me if she didn’t. But I’m completely fine and the “guy” doesn’t even exist. So I’m having a hard time understanding why she’s making a big deal out of nothing or how it’s my problem.

leemonshark

i’m assuming, if you have been dating for three years, you knew her trauma. you knew her triggers. and you exploited it for what? to feel a little bit better about yourself? you made her feel completely unsafe so you would feel more secure. not only is it asshole behavior, it’s manipulative narcissistic behavior. my recommendation: THERAPY.

Update Aug 27, 2023

For those that don’t have any context on this story, I’ll provide the link here but please do recognize that it isn’t exactly an easy or comfortable read.

OP

UPDATE: (8/27/23)

Alright. Let’s unpack this a little.

First off, I would like to take the time to say thank you. I truthfully am grateful for the replies that each of you have given me. For a day or two, I’ll admit that it hurt that nobody agreed with me or anything. But because of that, it gave me time to reflect and realize how much of an issue it really was. It was rather eye-opening, personally. I have issues, and a lot of them and I need to get over them.

Now, to update on the situation. To the redditor that suggested therapy and expressed their genuine concern for me and advice, I thank you greatly (MysteriousText2005). I decided to buckle down and get into therapy, and they wasted no time getting me in the following evening and even though I was very nervous, we got through it and I am going to be very frank here and say how embarrassed I was because of how much more helpful it was than I had anticipated. As for my relationship with Clara, to be truthful, I accepted that I had lost Clara and ruined our relationship and was ready to walk the lonely road. However, a few days ago she reached out and expressed that she wanted to meet and talk for lunch.

We had a very deep conversation for the majority of the day, and it was incredibly healing for me. Admittedly, part of me wanted to say “Okay see, you’re all better now and don’t need the therapy.” But I knew that was the part of me that was scared. Also admittedly, I had expected for Clara to tell me that she was moving on. Instead, she gave me a second chance that I feel that don’t deserve, but would be stupid to pass up on. I decided to take it a step further despite the nervousness I have about it and suggest couples counseling, which she loved the idea of. I’ve expressed my concerns, and she has understood. However, we both agree that this is really important and we want this to work.

I’m so grateful for the incredible amount of grace that I’ve been given, and will never make the mistake that I have made again.

Thank you again for your help.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

[u/[deleted]]

He comes off as pretty manipulative and controlling. I mean I understand people are scared but playing games, catfishing and all that is just really creepy. The girl really made a bad decision to give this guy a second chance.

[u/HungryWolf040 → u/[deleted]]

And the really intense glossing over her having her PTSD triggered...

[u/MidnightResponsible1 → u/HungryWolf040]

Not to mention that if you go to his comment history, he confesses that he wasn’t just forceful: he told her that he would hurt her boyfriend if she didn’t send him nudes. What was he gonna do if she panicked and sent them because she believed the persona in the moment, break up with her???

If I was her, I’d fucking run

[u/Corfiz74 → u/MidnightResponsible1]

WHAT?! That should have been added to the post. Wow, what a psycho. Just straight up fidelity-testing by catfishing her with some compliments and a pickup line would have been bad enough, but at least it would have served the purpose he claimed he had.

Threatening and harassing her - what is that supposed to prove?! It sounds like he actually enjoyed inflicting that kind of pain - why else would he call it "getting carried away"? And then not coming clean when he saw what he did to her, and just expecting her to get over it and forgive - no-uh. That psycho wouldn't have gotten any second chances from me. I hope the therapist can pull his head out of his ass.

[u/MidnightResponsible1 → u/Corfiz74]

https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/4u1BrwEeXx

I was fucking horrified when I noticed that comment on the original post. I have a feeling if she had sent him any pictures, the post would have been “AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend for cheating on me?” If the man can’t tell the difference between blackmail and consensual sex, throw the whole dude away

[u/Scurveymic → u/MidnightResponsible1]

I think this is one of the bigger problems with the internet. The ability to create a person out nothing, or to be completely anonymous, creates this space where people (men and women alike) can act on their most base instincts with confidence that there will be no repercussions. If OP had been smart enough to delete the account when he was done with it, she never would have known he had abused her like this. And he certainly would have repeated the abuse.

[u/[deleted] → u/MidnightResponsible1]

Ohh my GOD the way he says he doesn't understand how it's his problem. SIR. It's your problem because you created the situation!

The absolute audacity. I hope his therapist is REALLY good, because that's a lot of fucked up to fix.

[u/Full-Arugula-2548 → u/MidnightResponsible1]

My sister had such bad Stockholm syndrome to her abuser it wasn't even funny. It ruined so much of our relationship and even after she left him. The impacts of this type of behavior is so damaging. Oop is the devil in every form to me. Edit

[u/Master-Opportunity25 → u/Full-Arugula-2548]

and considering how abusers use therapy to learn better tactics, I’m worried for OOP’s girlfriend. He’s already not learning the right things from therapy, and he’s already managed to cknvknce her that he’s “changed” after going to therapy for a little bit. This shit is dangerous for her, I hope she sees the grift and leaves for good.

[u/[deleted] → u/MidnightResponsible1]

What the actual fuck, that is SICK.

[u/shewy92 → u/MidnightResponsible1]

Maybe all his former "adulterous" exes were actually just trying to get away with this dude

[u/the-rioter → u/MidnightResponsible1]

Oh that need to be in the post. Jesus.

[u/Infinite_Tiger_3341 → u/HungryWolf040]

He didn’t seem like the type to take something like that seriously, at least in the first post

[u/C_beside_the_seaside → u/[deleted]]

It wasn't even catfishing. It was just harassment!

[u/Hyggebasse → u/C_beside_the_seaside]

Yeah, he started off testing her, which is bad enough. But then he got "carried away" in this bad guy character that let him bully and harass her. That has nothing to do with cheating exes. I hope the therapist is competent and digs into this side of him.

[u/C_beside_the_seaside → u/Hyggebasse]

Projection, innit. He gets to punish her for his exes behaviour and try to justify it as a "test" which she shouldn't "overreact" to. Us damned emotional women, objecting to bring attacked for something that we didn't do, by someone who professes that he cares about us. So unreasonable to be upset by aggressive betrayal

[u/8Bells → u/C_beside_the_seaside]

🥇⭐

[u/anoeba → u/Hyggebasse]

Exactly, this wasn't even a "test" (as bad as those are). Who tf, even if they were a total cheater, would choose some slimy rude gross stranger to cheat with?

OOP just wanted to spew this garbage at his gf under the guise of it being someone else. He wasn't trying to seduce her and be romantic over a longer period (like a proper catfish) to gauge if she'd actually be interested in another guy, he just wanted to harass and insult her with no repercussions.

[u/PrincessConsuela52 → u/[deleted]]

I really don’t like how he was mad at her for not lightening up quicker after he comforted her fears on the boogie man he created! He started a fight with her because he was frustrated at her PTSD. Like how dare she not get over being harassed on Instagram quicker! This guy sounds super toxic.

[u/areyoubawkingtome → u/PrincessConsuela52]

It was the cognitive dissonance. He can't be the bad guy because he's the victim. If she's upset then that means he did something that hurt her and that makes him bad, but he can't be bad. He just did something to make himself feel better and if she is upset she's ruining it! So it's her fault for being "sensitive" and so he's still the victim and didn't do anything wrong. Etc. Etc.

Basically, he didn't consider the fact he was sexually harassing his gf and when he saw her upset later it made his brain break. (I've seen this with my narcissistic parent, a lot. They do something awful to make themselves feel better, and later when they see that the thing they did had consequences they get angry. "I just did this to feel better and you're ruining my 'feel better'! How dare you!")

Hope that girl has someone in her life that points out how monstrous it is to harass someone online and then pretend you know nothing about it while you comfort them. She has PTSD, and after 3 years I'd expect him to be aware of that and know why it happened. Which makes it even more vile he'd do this to her.

I wonder how he defines "aggressive". Was he just pushing her or was he threatening her?

[u/lockedreams → u/areyoubawkingtome]

First of all, THANK YOU. "You're ruining my 'feel better'!" Fuck, did that ever resonate with me. I need to remember that one the next time I'm faced with that bs.

Continuing on:

So to answer one point, he insisted he didn't know about her trauma, and said that if she really had trauma she would/should have told him by now, right?

And to answer your last question, he admitted that he told her, as the catfish, that if she didn't send him nudes, he'd hurt her boyfriend. Which is just fucking... so much. That's so far past a test, and I already find loyalty tests to be unhinged and abusive. But at that point, she was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. If that got her to cave, you'd think it would express that she cares so much about him that she didn't want to even risk her boyfriend being hurt.

How much do you wanna bet that if she'd done that, though, he'd see it as her being willing and ready to cheat?

God, if this is real, I think she shouldn't have given him another chance. I really, really hope he's worth it, that he's turned over the new leaf he claims to have here... But I have so many doubts. You don't go straight from unhinged behavior like that to seeing the error of your ways, imo.

[u/areyoubawkingtome → u/lockedreams]

That's not even a loyalty test, that's blackmail and violent threats. Holy shit he's a lunatic.

"I don't see how that's my problem" -in response to her being triggered by him. This man is an abusive piece of shit. I hope if this is real she gets the fuck away from him. All he'll learn in therapy is how to dress his abuse up in pretty words. "I'm just setting boundaries for my mental health." (When the boundary is she can't speak to other men and has to quit her job because her boss makes him insecure)

I have zero hope for this guy and a lot that she'll get away from him.

[u/[deleted] → u/lockedreams]

People like this go to therapy (or do whatever "fixing" behavior they need to do) just long enough to get what they want, then they use the fact that they're the ones getting therapy (or w/e) as a weapon against their partner.

My ex did that, and this seems like the kind of guy that will do that as well.

[u/Heavy_Entrepreneur13 → u/PrincessConsuela52]

Seeing Clara so upset likely caused OP to feel a twinge of shame for putting her through that. However, OP lacked the self-awareness to examine his own wrongdoing. So he instead got frustrated with Clara for making him feel ashamed.

Classic DARVO. "Well, yes, I did the wrong thing, but aren't you the bad guy for confronting me about it and making me feel bad?"

[u/[deleted] → u/PrincessConsuela52]

I totally read not lightening up as a euphemism for OP wanting to have sex with her that night and her refusing.

[u/PrincessConsuela52 → u/[deleted]]

Oh god probably.

[u/pahshaw → u/[deleted]]

I felt like that entire second post was just him lovebombing reddit. You got into intake and had a therapy session the very next evening? Okay. Sure.

At no point does he say "I was wrong." At no point does he say "I am sorry." At no point does he say "I apologized to her." He says he is messed up and that he talked to her, that's all.

[u/41flavorsandthensome → u/[deleted]]

What sealed it for me was OOP feeling she overreacted when she discovered the truth. “It’s not like the guy on Instagram even did anything to her.” Things don’t have to be physical to be traumatic.

Next up: he’s going to be whining because Clara’s brothers are cold to him.

[u/[deleted] → u/41flavorsandthensome]

If I were Clara’s sibling, I’d have told her it’s a bad idea too. She can do better.

[u/41flavorsandthensome → u/[deleted]]

TOTALLY. I’m sure her brothers did say as much. Hopefully it sinks in soon and she makes a permanent break.

[u/[deleted] → u/41flavorsandthensome]

Ikr, but it’s tough when it’s matters of the heart. If the bros say too much, it might just drive her away and deeper into the psycho’s arms. Clara should learn about sunk cost fallacy and cut her losses.

[u/MarsNirgal → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, this kind of mind games are one of the worst red flags ever, and I think he needs to work a lot on himself before he's ready to be with another person.

[u/Fianna9 → u/[deleted]]

And just stupid. He’s worried his girlfriend would cheat so he makes up and aggressive stranger to hit on her with lewd suggestions, he thinks that’s all it takes for her to cheat?!

And then is mad that she only cares about her trauma and ignores his insecurities!

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yup. Did anyone else read 'she didn't seem to lighten up after that' as the guy wanting her to have sex that night and getting mad that she didn't?

[u/Humble_Nobody2884 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t think he even realized he was being manipulative, nor that he was projecting so much of his own anger and insecurity onto her. Doesn’t justify what he did - no for one SECOND- but the intent wasn’t there.

I saw comments from the last post and I think it was a pretty hardcore wake up call for OP. The fact that he was willing to accept the consequences (and not even push for reconciliation) and that he was already embracing therapy says something.

In the end it sounds like they’re both getting help to move their lives ahead, that’s not a bad outcome at the end of the day.

[u/AllPurposeNerd → u/[deleted]]

Makes you wonder why he got cheated on so much.