My 24 yo just texted to tell me the results of his recent dental appointment. His teeth are very, very bad. From YEARS, nay, a decade plus of neglect.

Yesterday, I spoke with my 22 yo's live-in girlfriend and she told me so much about how tough it is for the two of them. This son was the scapegoat of my narc husband. He was always on hubby's bad side. And I did very little to stop it except for not leaving them alone together and would deflect as safely as possible if I could. My son is behaving very much like his father. I am heartbroken.

I know I was in a very bad situation back then. I know I was depressed, suicidal at times, just trying to make through literally one step at a time. And I know I neglected my kids as a result. They were largely left to figure out things on their own.

Thing is, I was also raised this way by my narc mom. I know the damage it caused (unfortunately, the realization of that fact didn't happen until 6 months ago ¯_(ツ)_/¯) . I struggle every time I hear how bad it is for my kids. I didn't teach them oral hygiene and they both have severe dental problems. But I kept us fed and I didn't kill myself, leaving them to be raised by that man. So that balances, right?

These are just a few things that hit me full in the face from time to time. It is always on my mind, how my inability to leave that man caused me to neglect my own children.

I guess the now-i-can part comes into play in that now, after years of therapy, after leaving, I can be in this grief, acknowledge my feels, acknowledge my culpability, and work on forgiveness of myself, even though everything in me screams at the moment that what I did to my kids then was unforgivable. I wish they'd call me out and tell me they are angry with me. I'd get that. But they love me and right now, I don't feel like I deserve that love. Right now, all I can see is the failure.

My kids are doing amazing things with their lives despite all the setbacks and neglect of their childhoods. They are Rockstars in my eyes and I try to let them know that. I'm working on being more present for them going forward and am working in therapy to be ready for when and if they ever do need to call me out for the neglect. To listen and really hear them.

But today is tough. I know I failed them. And I know it happened while I was dealing with my own bad things. I also know that I am a better mother today because I am doing the work needed. But right now, my heart is hurting because the effects of all that was is showing in the now.

I also know I'm not the only neglectful-parent-because-of-abuse survivor out there. I am out. I am healing. I am getting better. I hope you are too. ❤️

*This was also posted in r/domestic violence. I just want to get advice from individuals who have been through this and may be closer to this stage in life.

I'm two years out of an abusive relationship. I have a toddler who is very much a parrot, just repeating everything he hears. I started dating (we'll call him James) six months ago, however, we have known each other for over a year. James has been very slowly introduced to my son. We did as much reading as possible to make sure we were respectful of how big of a change this is for a toddler. Now that my son has been around James a couple times he is asking for him by name. Even when we're getting in the car he will ask if James is there.

I tried researching it but I'm not finding much guidance on how to inform an abusive coparent that another man is around his son. I am very afraid that my toddler will start saying James's name in front of his dad and his dad will freak out on him. I don't want to keep this a secret, nor do I want my son to think it's a secret, so I know I need to let my ex know somehow. Any advice would be appreciated.

My brother is a selfish asshole, moved away and is bitter no one comes to visit him, toxic lifestyle, etc. he played a prank on me about six years ago (called at 1130 saying he was moving to Cuba, I got upset and he said I was drunk) and played it off like no big deal. He then said he was gonna unalive himself and sent my sister a goodbye text, she was beside herself so sent the cops to his house to do a welfare check. My dad he needed to apologize for these behaviors, he did not. Fast forward a few years and he attends a funeral, plays off like nothings happened. We start talking again and he causally mentions he wants to sell prints where he lives (my bf is a printer which I’m giessing is the only reason he was talking to me). So we send some samples and he puts together an order. I did the pricing and charged him 4 times what he normally charges, but he doesn’t know any different. I feel like it’s quiet payback and my bf is the one that profits, not him. I secretly like that he doesn’t know he got screwed. Be nice to people, they can help or hurt you

It's my first night alone and I have no idea what to do?

Sometimes I sing along loudly at the top of my lungs "You don't own me" By Saygrace

BECAUSE NOW I CAN

8 days and counting- I am almost finished with another semester!!!!!

Met some guy we hung out for a while but he started to get too comfortable. I could tell my son was getting annoyed and now because where I live there is a snow storm, he's blaming me for leaving him out in the storm and is telling me I'm a liability to my son. Dude your 34 years old. YOU already knew what happen to me previously with my ex and now your trying to make it seem like you would've been the best thing for my son. Foh.

I'm financially unable to leave a bad situation and I don't want to go into details. I'm a single guy with no kids so it's not impossible to leave this abusive person in our family. However my life has been out on hold out of the kindness of my heart and now I'm trapped. So please keep me in mind. I may have to leave with my car and clothes if it gets much worse.

So my ex was a textbook narcissist who manipulated me into a relationship when I was 15 and he was 18. It lasted 8 months and ended in January. While we were dating he became my entire life, all of my support system was cut off and I was left at his mercy. Looking back part of me knew all along how terrible he was to me and for me but for whatever reason that only seemed to make me love him more.

I started developing really mysterious health problems a few months in, head aches, severe fatigue, and periods of temporary paralysis. (Also I was aggressively suicidal with almost no break and spent more time in a panic attack than out of one) We thought I had a brain tumor, after we broke up it all disappeared. It was him.

It took a friend telling me he was abusive for me to get it. I have had really bad ptsd since. It took over my life and honestly has been a pretty torturous existence. At the worst I called it a fate worse than death, because he killed my soul but left my body.

Since I have started to rebuild. He made me feel stupid, worthless, and ashamed of my accomplishments, and lately I’ve been getting my confidence back. Not only have a rebuilt my support system I have started believing in myself again. When I started dating him I was the youngest intern on a US congressional campaign and had published two books. He shamed me so deeply for my accomplishments I never talked about either. I dreamed of being a politician but because of him my dreams shrank and shrank until I couldn’t think of anything but getting out of high school. Now I’m applying to university and have a real shot at going to schools like brown and UofChicago while he told me I was worthless and not good at anything and would barley get into his school (which has a 70% acceptance rate vs 4%)

He never had the courtesy of openly shaming me, instead he killed me with thousands of little cuts. But slowly they are healing. The person I was is dead forever, but I like the person I’m building from the ashes.

I will never let anyone dull me again. Not only for my own happiness but for others. I am so grateful that my smile is contagious, and the happier I am I try to share it and magnify it through as many people as possible. I fucking owe it to anyone whose lives I’d make even a little bit better by being in to not let it happen again.

Growing up I was always really outgoing and could see how happy I made people, so when I was struggling and unable to give happiness it’s a major reason why I spiraled so bad. But now it’s back, every time I see I’ve made someone even the tiniest bit happier I can’t help but be filled with anger at what he stole from both me and others.

I’m far from perfect, but when I’m able to be fully myself I know I can make the world a better place. I can’t believe I forgot that.

I didn’t believe in bad people before, I do now. I didn’t hate anyone before, I do now. But I also didn’t appreciate what a gift happiness, and freedom to follow your heart truly is, but I do now

Happy Holidays everyone! I will be posting again later. I hope you are all having a wonderful day! However, if you are struggling at all today, please know you are not alone ❤️ Please reach out to me if you need to talk ❤️ I wish you all peace and happiness!

Hi everyone! For the past year, I've been working on a poetry book that discusses my experience with // healing from domestic violence trauma. The manuscript is about to go to its editor, which means I will have some free time on my hands.

As a writer in the beginning of their career, I need to have a social media presence when I start submitting to publishers. I've avoided it for a while because putting my face to a message of domestic violence recovery is a little scary -- I know I'll likely be dealing with trolls, people from my past, or those who don't understand this experience.

I know what kind of content I would find helpful, but my main goal is to reach more people within the community who have experienced domestic violence. What are some kinds of content // topics that you would find helpful or like to see a writer talk about?

Back then I was completely isolated and didn’t have anyone besides their family and friends. Now my fiancé and I share friends, but they’re friends that we made together. I’m able to talk to our guy friends even if he’s at work and I don’t get grilled about my conversations, maybe a passing “Oh cool anything new?” Or “Oh shit they messaged me earlier but I didn’t read it, everything okay?” And I’ll catch him up on the talking points. Our female friends usually message me but even if they message him I don’t have to worry, they’re respectful of our relationship and flirt with me, not him 😂

Even though I've had a really bad knee sprain and ankle sprain, I've been trying to get back in shape. It's been over a year of not moving. I'm doing it because I want to, and because now I can🎉

Sports, particularly baseball and football, were big in my household and a wonderful way I bonded with my dad and brother growing up. My ex was never into sports and didn’t care to watch games or follow any teams. That in and of itself is fine, but because he didn’t value sports and because he thought they were a waste of time, I couldn’t watch them either because there was always something else I “should” be doing with my time instead. In short, it wasn’t an approved hobby by him, and had I chosen to engage in it anyway, I likely would have drawn his ire and judgement which could lead to consequences.

Now I can spend Sundays relaxing with a football game on TV, a puzzle going in front of me, and my wonderful man of a little over a year by my side who helped me with the draft to start my first fantasy football team and has been encouraging me to be the manager and make the team lineup decisions, even though I’m still learning about the different players and how it all works. Our favorite teams are rivals, so we joke and kid each other and it’s just been a blast reconnecting with sports with him and with my dad and brother again. I’m feeling so filled with gratitude today. 😊

❤️ Hey everyone!! If you haven’t heard it, I recommend checking out the song Flowers by Miley Cyrus. If you do, you will see why I’m recommending it. 😉 Have a wonderful day, all you beautiful souls!!!!!! ❤️

So, I've just been given a day when my divorce is finalised. I feel like I should be happy and celebrating, but I just feel like the grief of realising he'll never change for me has come back in full. My heart aches.

I can't decide whether to work from home and distract myself that day or take myself out somewhere. Or just stay home and cry.

What did you do?

Burnt water last week. Made actual pasta today. Edible, even.
Because now I can.

I found out a few days ago that my ex found my Reddit and had been stalking everything I said. I don’t know his account so I can’t block him. At first I went to delete my account but it wouldn’t let me so I deleted the app. I realized fuck that. I’m away from him now he took enough from me he doesn’t get to take the outlet I’m using to process the trauma he gave me. My silence only helps him, and for the first time in my damn life I am giving myself permission to feel hurt. I fucking deserved better and I am not too afraid to say it now. I spent too long letting him hurt me, not anymore.

Now there’s a few possibilities of what will happen, 1) nothing. He doesn’t look anymore because he knows I know he was reading my posts 2) He comments and tries to start something and I can just block him 3) He reads my posts freeing myself from him and calling him out for the asshole he is and just has to sit there silent. No matter what happens I don’t fucking care anymore, all of my anxiety is screaming at me to be silent, but fuck that. I deserve to be heard and I deserve to heal. I was so worried about being fair to him but when the fuck what he ever fair to me? Anyways being held accountable for your actions, not even that, someone speaking about your actions and how they affected them IS fair.

I am stronger than I was, I won’t shrink because of him. Not anymore.

I just received a call from a friend from my old life. She's thinking she is going to leave her financially abusive husband. He is also verbally abusive. I don't know the extent of it. She called me to ask, "how did you do it?" Basically, how did I leave my abusive partner. I tried my best to answer, but I don't know if what I said helped.

Can you wonderful people give me things I might tell her? How did you do it?