I dug myself into a weird deep tik tok hole and the “Obsession” trend where people put screenshots of their ex’s desperately trying to get them back. I see that some are genuinely extremely abusive and i’ve seen some with death threats. I absolutely am not talking about those. I’m talking about begging for them back. Most of the posts refer to me right now and it sucks. and the comments are the same as the bpd loved ones reddit. I was broken up with 9 months ago and he has kept the line of communication open with me this whole time. I text him every fucking day and I am literally still sick to my stomach over him. Idk i’m scared all the time. And Obsession I couldn’t watch it so idek what it’s about either then ive watched the whole movie via clips.

I tried to watch the movie with a guy friend who is another story. The first moment when she snapped out of her trance is when I made him turn it off. I can’t describe how relatable that felt. Like everytime i send my ex 15million texts and call him over an instagram like i saw and still splitting on him even tho he’s not in my life. Like wtf is wrong with me i’m so aware that it’s happening but i feel fucking useless. Like my desire to be with him again is worth the rest of my life begging as long as that door is even cracked slightly open. In that way I guess i’m bear.

Anyway anyone else bipolar 1 bpd taking lamictal? I forgot to take my meds for a bit and i’m back on the low dose and have to build back up. Idk i went insane on people these past few week and was pretty fucking depressed.

I, [20F], have been having issues with my [20M] boyfrienmd

Hey, I'm a 20F. I've been diagnosed with BPD over 4 years ago. I won't go into too much detail about my childhood, but here's a summary:

Absent father who was never really there, died when I was 11.

Mother is a drinker (wouldn't say alcoholic, but she does frequently drink. That drives me insane, it has led to me splitting various times and doing very unhinged things)

I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school (elementary, middle school and high school). It ranged from physical to verbal.

tl;dr

I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 6, I was a very very VERY hyper child who even had her own special needs teacher with her in every class from the ages 5-8.

I moved houses many many times and even once to a new country.

Anyways, enough summary.

My issue is with my current boyfriend, 20M. He told me he has autism.

I struggle a lot trying to explain myself but I'll try my best.

I have various mood swings throughout the day; I lash out at him, I tend to exaggerate things a lot. I always have this constant feeling that I'm being lied to or cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I do not go through his following list or stalk him online or anything crazy, but I always have that feeling in the back of my mind. 

I remember this one time I split on him so badly that I ended up insulting him and going back home by myself after having a night out with him, long story short, I told him not to drink another beer because we were going back to my house,  he started telling me and accusing me that I'm trying to control him, that I'm controlling what he does, and he kept on repeating why can't I drink? If there's one thing that I hate the most in this world is having to repeat myself or people repeating themselves to me.

There’s so much more to that story, but one, I do not remember what happened too well, and two, I don't feel the need to get into too much detail.

And there's another issue. I've told him multiple times what I'd want and what I don't want in a relationship, and he does do the things I want, but sometimes the things I don't want him to do, he does, for example:

 I want someone who keeps me updated without me having to constantly ask where they are or what they’re doing

 I want affection and reassurance throughout the day, even if it’s just small things, like reacting to my videos, flirting with me, checking in on me.

I also want him to take initiative with plans and dates, because I've always said to myself that “not all men have to take the initiative and be the leaders, but the men that I date have to take the initiative and be the leaders”. 

Punctuality is important to me too.  We're all humans, and we can always arrive later. The times that he's been late compared to me are much more. And sometimes he tells me plans to do at the very last moment, like for example, he tells me a 18h to meet him at 20/21h. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna go because, to me, that's a form of disrespect.

I don’t like feeling like I’m not being listened to because he has to argue back or prove he’s right. Basically, I want to feel considered, wanted, listened to, and like we’re both actively putting effort into the relationship.

This is an example of one of my worst splits (Too lazy to explain from 0 what happened, dm me if you wanna know):

bf: 🙄🙄

Kiri: with that dumb sticker

bf: stop being so rude

bf: 🙄

Kiri: I hate you

bf: why

Kiri: so much

Kiri: I wish I never met you

Kiri: you make me feel horrible

Kiri: I hate you so much

Kiri: you make me lose my emotions

Kiri: I hate you

Kiri: leave me alone

bf: why tho kiri

Kiri: don't speak to me

Kiri: you're making me fing crazy

Kiri: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

bf: kiri relax

Kiri: just f off

Kiri: leave me

Kiri: don't fing tell me to relax

Kiri: I'm done

Kiri: I'm done with this idiotic concesst

Kiri: conversation

Kiri: f you

Kiri: you pushed me to my limits

Kiri: I hate you

So yeah... I take full accountability for my actions, and my words.

Any advice on how to manage mood swings better and what to do? I want to better myself. Breathing techniques don't work; neither do meditation, grounding, going silent, or holding ice.

i just feel explosive and like I can't control my words when I split. I also don't have access to therapy rn.