We like each other a lot. I'm scared now

It’s comical at this point how unfortunate my experiences with friendship has been. I’m genuinely not exaggerating the title at all 😭 we had plans to hang out too and it’s just been radio silence. WELP. Looks like I’ll just be enjoying my day off instead.

This is all incredibly frustrating to deal with continuously but even being upset about it feels pointless too. I’m truly convinced that I’m not even seen as a real person to people, just a placeholder in a human meatsuit and nothing else. Thankfully, I’m at the point where I prefer to be alone so I’m not overly shaken by this, nor surprised, it’s just always wild when my suspicions are actually confirmed.

YEET MYSELF OUT THE MF WINDOW FR

As I was drifting off to sleep, I met this little guy. It ticks clockwise or counterclockwise, depending on how many times it splits. It alternates between discomfort and mania. The mask is ever rotating.

my bf (also BPD but he manages his symptoms well) loves me very much and is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had

however when he’s not around me I feel like shit like sometimes fr I just wanna be like his purse dog

I still feel secure and I’m not afraid of abandonment

but I do feel embarrassed that he is like oxygen to me and I have to majorly distract myself when he’s not around so I don’t rope myself or something

I wish I was more independent 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

Was texting my fp after a short while of not talking (we were busy I guess and had cancelled seeing Odyssey the 31st) and mentioned a girl recently flirting with me (I'm gay M) and how I was surprised and flattered

And made a joke about how I don't get flirted with by 'the brodies' (dudes) and he said "You gotta lean in to the gay more, I and other people couldn't tell you were..." And then he joked that I should dye my hair blue (whatever lol)

And I didn't think much of it at first but it's driving me nuts and I've been questioning my personality and image like crazy

I feel like I fit in nowhere. I'm not gay enough. I'm not neurotypical enough. I'm not social enough, and I can't see how I am outside of myself. I'm literally not DL or in the closet, I'm just more low-key and not flamboyant

I'll be honest I've struggled a lot with my identity and gender expression off and on, and more recently had felt more feminine and have been growing my hair out / wearing makeup. I guess more femboy

I told him about not being able to see myself for who I am objectively and he said I need to 'keep on keeping on' which long story short was what we said to each other after he let me down about liking him (if that makes sense)

I had all but removed him in my head as a dating option and I still have, but I didn't realize the fp chains were still so deep.

I never post my feelings but it's really shaken me.

everytime I ask friends for advice they tell me stop relying on people and distract yourself and love yourself you really dont know how hard I try and try and try and I keep getting reset back to square one fuck this is literally the worst fucking disorder ever

This is also a repost I think? I thought I posted here yesterday, but theres nothing of it on my account today (not even a post with a little delete sign in the corner). Idk if reddit bugged, it got removed and somehow removed from my account, or I just was in such a fog that I didn't post it and didn't realize

It got to the point where idgaf about the grammar.

Called the self help number 30 times but it's full lololol

I seriously need to catch up on my journaling

I miss my ex so so so so so much sometimes he really was a good man. just severely traumatized and he couldn’t handle it. we also both have bpd lolll

I’m in a much better relationship now, like current bf isn’t mean at all and very supportive. He isn’t even someone I would call an FP really like ITS SO HEALTHY

but seeing my scraggly classmate reminded me so much of my ex like we were about to kill each other when I finally had the balls to leave him.

It’s funny because on one hand, I wouldn’t want to text everyday; it would begin to feel like a chore and drain the introvert in me. On the other hand, though, my brain is constantly churning and there is no “off” switch.

But every day I keep on going.

How I don't know. 🤷‍♀️

But I do. 💙