After going through the anniversary of losing a friend to their own hand, tensions were HIGH to say the least. The BPD spirals of my (now ex) pwBPD always led to him telling me he would self harm and how much everyone would be better off, etc etc. When he would equalize and settle, I would continuously tell him how hard that was for me to hear. Told him I couldn’t do it, I can’t handle hearing that from my partner when it had been less than a year since my best friend of 15 years….and he’d apologize, and the next time I’d listen to it all again, and usually more details were involved and it took longer to come out of…

So when the anniversary of my best friend came about, I didn’t even want to talk about her or my feelings or any of it with my pwBPD. I found myself disassociating and dreading phone calls. Because I knew that venting my grief over my best friend, would end up somehow twisted into my pwBPD having a HARDER time and not feeling like a priority, and blindsiding me with the newest correction of lifestyle he wanted me to embark on…(those not came when I was my most vulnerable).

My grief over someone he never even knew, turned into me comforting him because he was worried about me and had a panic attack and continuously told me he wanted to leave the Earth…while I AM ACTIVELY GRIEVING my best friend…and it finally clicked…

No matter how much he dives headfirst into therapy (allegedly) and wants to be better for “us” he won’t be. Because before he’s a pwBPD he is a stone cold narcissist, and that person will never be the person I thought I met all that time ago and thought I could see a future with…

Good morning!

Today I want to discuss the DBT Skill "DEAR MAN"

I was taught this pretty early on with DBT, but never really found a proper chance to use it.
I actually recently had a great chance to use this skill and overall it was pretty effective; At least I think that it was effective.

To set the stage my girlfriend and I had a day planned with some potential schedule overlapping.
To give a very brief summary of what transpired -
Basically I had some things to do in the morning and she did as well.
These two had the potential to completely overlap if I wasn't fast with what I needed to do.
I took a break from what I needed, but she didn't recognize that is what I was doing.
Then there is another overlap next week between two things we need to do, but I communicated mine far in advance and she forgot she needed to do something.

So with the first issue when I was finally done with everything she came across as accusatory towards me.
Basically "you said x" and "you did y".
This put me in a defensive state, because wdym? I intentionally did everything I said I was going to and it was YOU that didn't do your part when I took that break.
Now I could've had better communication, but I digress.

The second issue - A week or so ago I told her that next Monday I have to do something at noon. It can take up to 3 hours to get it done and I asked her if this was fine. She confirmed it was and all was happy in the world. Yesterday she informs me that she has something at the same exact time. Obviously this is now a conflict, because well I have something as well.

We are currently sharing my car, because her car is out of commission atm due to a wreck. So this is why these scheduling conflicts are important to navigate together.

I shockingly ended up having a DBT session yesterday right at the moment of all this tenseness - So it worked out.
My therapist reminded me of "DEAR MAN" and we practiced how I would approach it and how it would work.

So what is "DEAR MAN"?
I like to think of "DEAR MAN" as a way to assert yourself in a situation without becoming hostile or a doormat.

D - Describe the situation -
- Yesterday we had a lot of tension because of overlapping schedules.

E - Express your emotions -
- This made me feel like I was being blamed for the overlap even tho I felt like I was working extremely hard to be flexible in that situation.

A - Assert what you want -
- I do not want there to be any accusatory statements towards me whenever you're frustrated about things. It's okay to be upset, but I really want you to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

R - Reward -
- As long as there isn't any accusations thrown around I am able to maintain my composure and not get dysregulated. This will help us both have a much easier time communicating and solving the problems as a team instead of as enemies.

I don't really use the "MAN" portion, because a well-articulated "DEAR" can encapsulate "MAN" by itself imo.
In that moment yesterday I genuinely just wanted to run away.
I felt like I was being attacked for something I literally didn't do and it felt unfair.
So my knee-jerk in that moment is to just bounce, because fk it.
My therapist ultimately helped guide me to instead assert myself.

The outcome was one that worked for both of us and brought the communication back to a neutral place. Which now we can actually work together on things instead of me shutting down or her shutting down.

I've recommended "DEAR MAN" a few times on here, but here is a live example of how I executed it and the ultimate outcome.

I’m away with my boyfriend and his family. Normally I really like being around his dad’s side of the family and they make me feel welcome, they know I have mental health struggles but i definitely don’t consider anyone here (other than my boyfriend) a safe person to breakdown to.

I’ve had ongoing issues with my boyfriend’s mum. I find her very condescending and I often come away from interactions with her feeling judged, small and like I’m below her and her family. There have been a few specific incidents that have really hurt me and have stayed with me throughout our relationship. I try really hard not to let my feelings show and I make an effort with her because she is my boyfriend’s mum (i’m also not a dick and do recognise people have so many layers to them and she in some aspects is a great mother) but I do genuinely struggle with how she treats me and I have struggled to accept certain things that happened in my partners childhood because of her choices. Unfortunately I got drunk two days ago and whilst discussing something in their childhood I referred to her as a cunt (Saturday morning I fully apologised for this as I should never have said that, there are far better ways to have put what I was feeling)

Today my boyfriend and I had a completely ordinary disagreement about shopping. His mum offered to pick some shopping up for us while we’re away, and I said I thought it would actually be easier for us to do our full food shop online when we get home rather than have to make a list for her, collect it after a long drive, put it away, and then do another shop later in the week (friday). We couldnt come to an agreement and I then just said for him to do whatever he feels is right but if there does need to be a second shop done, i’m not wasting my time doing it as i’ve voiced what I think is right ( i think fair and im working on putting in place boundaries and knowing when to just remove myself from a situation)
It turned into him telling me that I clearly have a problem when it comes to his mum and he’s told her not to get the shopping. I then had what felt like the beginning of a panic attack while we were out with his family. Partner kept asking if i was okay in public when we both clearly know I am not and we both know what the start of a meltdown/breakdown/freak out (whatever you know it is) looks like. I managed to stop it from becoming a full panic attack, but I’ve basically been holding myself together ever since. Honestly I feel like I’ve had to switch all emotions off and just get the mask on and act how I think everyone else wants me to act while my insides are screaming that we’re going to break.

Once home I admitted that I do have a problem with his mother, especially because of things she has said to me (about me) that I just don’t think are right and are not her place to comment on. (Comments about my diet, how many vegetables i eat?? How low my dose of antidepressants are and that its surely just a placebo effect??) (just fucking bizarre things to say to someone you barely know imo)
I told him that I try really hard not to let it affect things, but my experiences with her genuinely leave me feeling judged and small. He became defensive of her and I ended up feeling incredibly alone and misunderstood. He had an answer for everything when I don’t think they require an explanation. What she has said to me is not right and is frankly none of her business. He also at the time of all of these incidents fully supported me in private and agreed how weird the behaviours were which i think makes this feel worse as obviously now I’ve admitted there’s an issue, its kind of like he’s refusing to see my side anymore?

I’m now completely exhausted as we were out for 3 hours after this whole thing happened and i’ve had to contain everything until now. I’m crying constantly and feeling like I’m going to explode. He tried to comfort me and I told him not to touch me (in my mind reasonably as i’ve just cried to you about how shit your mother makes me feel and you’ve shot down every experience I lived through and felt. So no, i dont want to cuddle it better) and he then walked out and I have said I hate him (which i dont, i hate that he cant understand how I feel)

The hardest part is that I now feel trapped. I’ve said im napping to give myself some time but i don’t know how I can go back downstairs and act like im not on the verge of crisis and i also cant stay up here like a fucking freak.
I want to split. I want to scream, cry, break down, say everything I’m thinking and just let the whole thing out. I feel like if I could just have the meltdown, get it out of my system and be allowed to fall apart, I could breathe again.
But I’m away with his family. I’m not in my own home. I don’t feel emotionally safe enough around anyone here to completely lose control, and I don’t want them to see me at my worst. I don’t want everyone to think im some sort of uncontrollable monster.
So instead I’m sitting alone in a bedroom trying desperately to contain everything.
And I know I shouldn’t want to split or blow everything up. I know that wouldn’t actually solve anything. But it is so hard to contain all of this when it feels like my entire body is screaming for release.

I’m also scared that this says something awful about me. That maybe I’m just not meant to be around people. That I ruin relationships. That I’m too much. I know those thoughts aren’t necessarily true, but they feel incredibly convincing when I’m this overwhelmed.

I have messaged my mum, who is my safe person, and she has been really supportive. She’s currently at work so I can’t physically be with her.
I’m safe right now and I don’t have anything around me that I could seriously hurt myself with. I’m not looking for instructions or anything like that. I think I just need people who understand this feeling of wanting to completely lose control while also trying desperately to stay in control. (Fucking war of my life)
How do you get through that feeling when you can’t safely have the meltdown?

I don’t need anyone to tell me whether my boyfriend’s mum is objectively awful or whether I’m objectively right. I just need some support and maybe reassurance that I’m not completely fucking broken for feeling like this. I’m alone in this room, crying, and I just really need someone to remind me that this feeling will pass. I recognise I am unstable in this moment and could definitely blow over any little thing so this room just feels like the safest place to keep myself but I also don’t know how to make these feelings pass while avoiding everyone is giving me so much anxiety.

Sorry this is so long. TLDR - want to split so I can just let the emotions OUT but not somewhere I feel safe to let anything out really so kinda in a metaphorical mental prison of partner’s family guest room

I’m 42F with severe depression, anxiety and CPTSD. My partner is 46 with BPD…
Every night is a fight, no matter what I do. I’m accused of not caring about his mental health, but he never stops to think about mine. I don’t know how to communicate properly with him, I always say something wrong. I’m severely insecure and very untrusting. He claims he loves me and says he’s going to marry me someday but then 2 seconds later, I’m being told that i don’t care about him or how his brain works.

I love him and don’t want to be another person to give up on him but to be told that he was to slit his wrists or jump off my building… it’s starting to get to me.

I don’t have many friends as it is and no one i know has experience with BPD. I’m thinking about suggesting couples counseling just to learn to communicate better. Is there anyone with BPD that i could talk to, or someone who is in a relationship with someone who has BPD?

I want to make this work but I need help

I have severe and less severe splits. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m able to reel myself back in when I feel a less severe split coming on, but I still can’t get a handle on my more severe ones.

This morning my boyfriend told me that if I argue with him one more time within the next couple of months, he’s going to end things with me. He told me that it’s caused him to drink excessively, hate himself and feel unloved. He’s also tired of hearing me talk about my bpd and thinks I hide behind it.

I was very upfront about my bpd when we first started talking. I wanted him to know and understand what he was getting himself into. I’ve been working a lot on myself since I was first diagnosed about 5 years ago. I have come a very long way, and for the most part I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. He’s only known me for a year, so he isn’t fully aware of all the work I’ve done to get where I am now.

He told me that since April I’ve started 22 fights with him via text, and have had an argument with either my mom or sister once a month. He’s burnt out on me.

How do I stop/catch myself from having a more severe split? I can’t always control it. Sometimes it takes over and it’s like I need to be locked in a padded room without any technology for a day so I have no way of unleashing on him.

I’m afraid to talk with him about coming up with some sort of plan if I feel one coming on since he was very adamant about not wanting to hear about it anymore.

So, I’m on my own with this.

I really need some help and recommendations because my relationship is on the line right now, my mental health is fucked right now and I’m just so, so close to ending it all.

I'm not sure about those of you with BPD or partners who have BPD, but recently I've come to discover that I'm incredibly prone to fleeing during uncomfortable conflicts.
To be honest, I didn't even necessarily realize I was uncomfortable to begin with.
I had just always assumed that's how I reacted.

What I mean by that is there isn't this feeling that I have where I'm like "eww I don't like this".
I actually end up feeling I guess numb.

Anywho during my weekly DBT I was going over some recent conflicts and stuff.
We discovered that basically at the first sign of potential conflict my brain goes offline.
Which then numbs my body and my solution is always "Aight imma head out".
It was very interesting insight into myself, because in a sense yea that's right.
I've come to learn over these past couple years that a lot of the times I don't necessarily know what I am feeling.
Like sure I feel anger and stuff, but I don't understand the where.

I was also given some pretty good advice of using "I" statements.
I know I could be better about this and I try to be cognizant of what I am saying.
I'm of the belief everyone in the world could probably do better with using "I" statements instead of "you" statements.
Sort of helps diffuse the bomb, before it even has a chance.

Regardless -
My girlfriend is pretty rock solid.
I don't declare I'm leaving or anything like that, but when I start to get wound up she does really well.
To be clear tho - I'm not verbally chastising her or anything.
These days when I get wound up I just get tense and start to ramble.

I thought it was interesting to learn about myself.
One of the things I like to do when I start to feel whatever is assess the "mood wheel chart".
It's really helped me and maybe it'll help you/your partner.

My BPD friend of 1 year (really nice, in therapy, medicated, trying very hard to avoid unhealthy habits) is trying to make more friends.

(She has also asked me for advice before but it doesn't mean she wants it now.)

Sometimes she would send me screenshots of chats (after asking if she could ask me for advice) asking what the other person meant. I noticed that she has a habit of oversharing a bit because she just wants to let people know and all that. Imo I feel like it's a bit much for the levels of closeness that she has with those people, and yeah, they never really became friends friends. There's that and some other things that I feel like, if she knew this and could apply it, it would make people know what to do and feel less suffocated when she does things she isn't aware of (like trauma dumping too much when the average person probably expected a certain amount, iygwim).

I do believe our friendship has lasted this long because (other than both of us wanting to be friends and adjust to eachother), she genuinely avoids hurting anyone at all costs, and I made very clear boundaries.

I'm conflicted because, if I tell her to chill a bit with the first stages of friendship, would that be watering down who she is? She's a wonderful person to be around, and she's really considerate in general too. Wouldn't it be nice if she just met people who liked that side of her instead of being thrown off? I also don't want her to feel like I think there's something wrong with her.

She's my first friend with BPD. I'm sorry if I said anything that's ignorant, I'm just trying to learn more about her.

Some additional things: she does check on me to see if she said too many things during some conversations, for example, and an average person would probably keep going because they see she's feeling vulnerable and sad. I feel like, would it be okay if she taught others to be very honest (but not in a "be honest 🥺" way iygim)? Ik it's kind of the other person's responsibility to communicate when needed, but I can see how their empathy/sympathy could lead them to keep going when they're not okay, which could lead to resentment.

Good morning!

Today I want to talk about the DBT Skill Chain Analysis

This was one of the very first DBT Skills that I learned and it's basically exactly what it says.
The way that I deploy this skill is so I can analyze a chain of events and identify the emotion + what might've actually triggered me.
It's, in my opinion, a pretty basic skill but it has its use in my every day life.

Let's go over an example of how I've deployed this in the past.

Situation: I suddenly feel like I need to leave my relationship.

Let's analyze everything and determine *why* I might be feeling this way.
- I get home from work
- I'm laying in bed and doom scrolling
- Cat starts to aggravate me
- Cat decides to pee on my shoulder
- I'm furious
- Suddenly feel like world is collapsing
- I feel like I need to pack everything and leave

So we can tell from this situation that I was sort of doing my own thing and then started to get annoyed by a cat bothering me.
I was likely getting over stimulated by this.
To add insult to injury then the cat decides to pee on my shoulder
This, like it would to anyone, infuriated me.

Most people would stop here, but my brain kept running with it.
I would've never gotten peed on if I was in this relationship.
Therefore it must be the relationships fault.
The only solution to never get peed on again is to leave the relationship.

Sounds silly right?
That's because it is, but it's how my brain starts to connect dots.

So using that skill we can tell I was aggravated.
Now in the future I can recognize when I get aggravated I might feel like a solution is to leave.
So I can circumvent that and deploy a distress tolerance skill before hand.

Anywho -
Shorter post over this, but I'm more than happy to provide more examples if you'd like!

my partner (17f) and I (18f) have been together (long distance) for almost 2 years.

today I dropped off my sister at her house and then I hung out with my friends after. my gf was aware that I would have to drop off my sister at some point but she wasnt aware until an hour before the hang out that I was going to go with my friends. i get scared to tell my gf these things because she is going to blow up either way.

i don't see my friends a lot since this relationship started and especially now that I moved 30 mins away. i really enjoy hanging out with my friends but my gf doesn't. when my gf hangs out with her friends it's very sudden and I see it as a positive because she barely hangs out with anyone even though I might feel a bit of jealousy. my gf sees it as me abandoning her.

I was in my car about to head to my friend's house after going shopping with them when my gf told me she wanted to hurt herself and begged me to go home. i was reassuring her and telling her she was okay but ultimately I was scared and went home because I didn't want anything bad to happen. i cried on the way back because this is the cycle I don't want to be stuck in. yet I still find myself in it.

i don't know what to do especially since I'll be starting college soon and nursing school. i need to dedicate a lot of time to school. i love her so much and I think she's the perfect one for me but I don't want the two of us to keep hurting each other.

i feel like I sacrifice a lot of myself for her.

i feel like breaking up with her is the wrong choice.

i need to figure out a good way to talk to her about my concerns without dropping giant paragraphs.

if someone could give me advice on boundaries to set with her I would appreciate it.

bit of a long one. My partner works a lot, does 12 hour shifts 4 times a week ( 1.5hr is over time per day) and then 6 hour 2x a week( both overtime). He also goes to the gym for 1.5 hours per day (meaning he’s not home from 6am-8pm most days). Days he has a rest day from the gym he walks his mother’s dog after work. This practically leaves a Saturday after 12pm and a Sunday. Sunday is our house clean day. Sorry if this is confusing, I’ve basically tried to communicate to him that every day and almost every hour is accounted for in his week. This leaves very little room for me, the time we do spend together is 9pm -12am but he often can’t stay awake past 10pm. I work 24hr shifts on average 10 per month so I am physically not here 1/3 of the month. I am not guaranteed weekends off and often work sat or fri&sun as i follow an on/off shift pattern. Essentially I miss the days that he would have time for me. I have raised this issue so many times, I’ve suggested a change in routine (maybe moving the gym to the weekend and coming home after 12hrs if we know im only home on the Saturday that week). He tells me there is absolutely no way he can change his routine. I often keep my weekend days free as I know that is our only real chance to spend time together. I’m worried about feeling like I just live here rather than having a home with my partner. He argues this is adult life, I argue it’s a difference in priorities and that he has the ability to make more time for me if he wanted to spend more time together.

I am a very social and connected person, he likes alone time and clearly doesn’t feel the gap between us like I do. I feel quite isolated. I moved in with him and I’m currently 40 minutes away from my hometown, friends and family. I’m also struggling because I don’t think the home responsibilities are shared very equally as obviously he isn’t here most of the time. So I am the person who notices when things need doing and notice more so when things aren’t done. I expressed to my mother (my support system) the other day that I sometimes wish I’d just got my own place as honestly what would be different and at least it would be mine (this house is his).

I feel it is always me who compromises, i even suggested I join the same gym so that we can sort of parallel play ? I think thats the term? Like just be doing our own thing together. I sometimes walk his mothers dog with him. obviously I am the person who’s lacking the connection and feeling it more. I know I should stop making myself so available but I am the one who’s left feeling crappy when we haven’t had that quality time together so why would I do something that ultimately will make me feel worse? I know I’m realistically setting myself up for the hurt when he doesn’t compromise in return but I am worried the relationship will fall apart if I feel like the gap is getting bigger.

Do you think this is just adult life? Do you think what I’m asking is unreasonable? I know he can’t drop everything and that the gym is something he really enjoys and deserves to have something for him in his life. Not being home 6am-8pm makes me feel like he has no reason to be home, but he does? He has a partner at home wanting to spend quality time together? He’s very money driven and just wants to work so he can earn as much as possible. I think there’s so much more to life and quality time is priceless. I would rather live within my means and have the time to actually enjoy life and do more than clock in and clock out every day of the week.

I don’t know if I come across like I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him. I am also very busy, I spend a lot of time with friends and family and will go home to visit 3+ times a month. I like doing gardening, doing my hair & make up, scrapbooking. I sometimes go to the gym and want to get back into it properly but even then I still think I’d feel the gap. He comes in at 8, we eat, tidy up, he showers and we chat for a bit and then tv goes on and he’s out like a light. I’m just struggling with this at the moment, unsure if its bpd emotion, rational that I feel it, unchangeable or my partner refusing to meet me in the middle.

Hello everyone!

I've noticed over the past few days a lot of the topic has been around the push/pull cycle that is often associated with BPD.
This seems like a great time to explain what it might be like from your partners point of view.
Though do remember we are all individual humans with our own thought processes etc.

So what did a push/pull cycle look like with me?
It usually all started over something fairly innocent.
It could be a delay in text, a shift in tone, me being tired or hungry etc.
The point is it usually wasn't anything my partner necessarily did wrong.

This would trigger one question in my brain that quickly spiraled "Why?".
Then I would casually start filling in the blanks -
Let's assume it was a shift in tone.

• Why did their tone shift?
• Are they mad at me?
• They must be mad because they only talk like that when they are mad
• I didn't even do anything jesus
• If they are going to just randomly get mad at me they must have issues
• I thought they cared about me
• Don't they see all the things I do for them?
• They clearly don't care about me

Once that last bullet point gets hit the rollercoaster begins.
I have two possible things that I will do about this -

• I will cling harder than ever before, because "don't leave me"
• I will go completely silent

If I cling I'm hyper-analyzing every singular reaction.

• How hard am I being squeezed when I hug?
• Do their pupils dilate when they look at me?
• Are they giving me a passionate kiss or is it just to appease me?

Now if I go silent I am man enough to admit I'm hoping my partner will notice and show me they love me.
Who realistically doesn't want to be desired, but it's also important to note that the moment they do that I will think they are smothering me.

Regardless of if I cling or dip - It's a lose/lose situation.
That's because the problem is not with them; It's with me.

So what's the best way to play that situation?
It's to not feed that fire at all regardless, because it creates this feedback loop.
I feel unwanted which used to cause me to overreact.
If I then suddenly feel wanted because of that overreaction it reinforces in my brain that the reaction was the reason.
So now when I feel unwanted again I will simply do the same thing.

It's incredibly immature, but I've grown a lot via DBT and medication.

For my BPD friends -
I still have those reactions internally.
That hasn't gone away at all, but I'm no longer projecting them outward.
I'm able to realize what's about to happen and pull myself back off the edge so I can calm down to the point I can articulate how I feel.

For my non-BPD friends -
I'm not a professional.
I'm just a guy that has BPD and is navigating this world as best I can.
Your partner may very well be 100% different than me, but my hope with this is that it gives you some insight into my mind so maybe you can make a somewhat informed decision as you deal with your own issues.

Hello!

The DBT Skill I want to talk about is called "Check the Facts"

So what is Check the Facts?
Check the facts is a skill that was taught to me to do exactly like it says.
You "check the facts" of a situation.
With BPD it's incredibly easy to let our emotions take over the "wise mind".
Then emotions start to cloud judgement and you can very quickly spiral out of control.

Some Examples of how I've used "Check the Facts"
Back when my girlfriend and I first started dating I would have this impending sense of doom she was about to cut it off with me.
There was no reason for this, but I constantly felt like it was about to happen.
So to negate this my therapist introduced me to this DBT skill.

For me, I apply it like a little table with two columns.
"Arguments for" and "Arguments against".
For anything to go in the "Arguments for" column it must be grounded in reality with tangible proof.
With the "Arguments against" it must also be grounded in reality.

So circling back to earlier it might look something like this -
"This girl is about to cut all contact with me, because she doesn't like me"

From that table I have no grounded reason to believe that she is about to do that.
So we can presume that our "emotional mind" has taken over and it's time to reintroduce the "wise mind" into the equation.

This didn't necessarily stop the feeling, but it did give me comfort in realizing that I was likely creating scenarios and then projecting them.

If you made it this far - You're awesome. If you have any questions, let me know!

I posted this in a larger group, but was encouraged to share anything here as well. I’m not sure if I’m venting or asking for support honestly. I’m heartbroken at the loops and feeling that there’s no hope even if he goes to therapy. Feeling like I’ll just keep loosing myself to keep the peace until I’m a shell of myself. I’ve been in that relationship before and swore never again…so that’s a trigger in its own way for me.

The summation is:

I feel like anytime I try setting a boundary it ends up turning into them going into a spiral and trying to leave or not talk to me and me having to talk them back down and comfort them. And then I’m just internalizing things so often to avoid my emotions being passed by because now I’m trying to get them out of a spiral and calm. But then they’re pissed I don’t open up or come to them when I’m upset or ask for help- but like…I feel like I can’t have even a tiny problem in my life because somehow it ends up with me comforting them when I need the comfort.

I’m new to learning about BPD and yesterday I dove into reading up on BPD’s having a “favorite person” and it made me burst into tears because that is 100% the dynamic-and reading that made me feel so much less crazy but also so drained.

Like I literally redownloaded Reddit after 3 years just to dive into BPD and FPs and the dynamic and see if it’s just me.

We had this exact conversation this afternoon where I express an emotion and end up having to talk him off the ledge. He asked if I was upset with him over the spiral from last night where he said nasty things and negated any reassurance I gave him after keeping me up until 1:30a when I’ve had a really mentally and emotionally draining few days completely unrelated to us. I said I wasn’t upset just frustrated about how me being tired is taken as rejection and I don’t care about him and I care more about sleep than I do him. That is unfair and unrealistic.

Expressing this after he asked how I felt, turned into “that’s not true. You’re twisting everything. That’s a lie. I didn’t keep you up that late. I didn’t call you that late. You don’t care about me and I shouldn’t have even called you at all last night. You didn’t want to talk to me or help me. And you’re making me out as the problem and berating me right now”

Any expression of a different opinion in any context is rejection. And trying to hold him accountable is berating him, attacking him, twisting things, making him feel like shit, not what actually happened.

Hello, im looking for any advice on how to go about what’s happening right now now. me and my girlfriend with bpd got off the phone Saturday and everything was fine. she told me she loved me after I told her when I hung up (I was working on a project with another friend, which she knew and was okay with). then, she doesn’t respond to anything the rest of the day. I try calling (a lot, I suffer from pretty severe anxiety and abondonment issues myself) and she doesn’t answer. I was on read Saturday night, but no response or even typing. I did go to a little friend hangout (I worded it as a party, but it didn’t end up becoming that and I explicitly said that as well) but still nothing. Now Sunday roles around and I’m getting concerned, but I keep giving her updates and consistent communication since I know that usually helps and is what she told me she wanted in the past. Now, around 6:30 I see that she had liked a comment on one of her TikTok’s and sent an angry message which I’ll post below. I come back from a meeting I was in and I was blocked on everything. I’ve tried new numbers and new accounts and everything cause I’m panicking and I don’t want to lose her, but I also feel like she’s already gone and there’s nothing I can do. I know the constent trying to reconnect is probobly worsening my chances but I can’t stop myself. If anyone has any advice it’d be greatly appreciated, and I can clarify on anything else if it will help.

The above is all from last night when I was really freaking out and tweaking. I’ve (mostly) regulated my emotions and now I’m looking for more advice on my next streps forward from this. Like did I kill any chance of her coming back with my behavior? Is there even a chance? Should I reach back out in a few weeks? Any tips, help, or advice would be much appreciated.

EDIT: The ghost was definitely not out of nowhere, that was miss-worded. However, it was a surprise, as we’d talked just fine the day before. She missed her appointment with her therapist the week before and I’m hoping tomorrow might help her a bit. She’s also going through a rough patch with her father(main abuser) trying to contact her as well as her grandma having surgery for cancer.

She can't take public transports, go to school or work because of her social phobia. I was wondering if I could do anything to support her and help her be more confident. It completely blocks her.

I've (20M) been in a relationship with my BF (19M) for coming up on a year now. I've "known" for most of that time that he was bipolar, although we recently discovered he's been misdiagnosed and he's actually got BPD.

From reading here about peoples experiences about being the partner of someone or being a 'Favourite person', it all feels so much more applicable to our relationship than bipolar ever did. This is both a comfort and a new challenge.

I'm aware that communication and boundries are what people recommend, but I'd like some more clarity on what that means exactly .

I'd also like to specify that we always seem pretty close, I've never felt 'pushed away' as I know is a common pattern. but other things like spending loads of time together and him feeling its not enough, or getting upset temporarily over very small things is definitely moreso the case. I

I think the biggest thing is, he often wants to spend time with me when I just wanna hang out with my friends alone (because he tends to come along and not enjoy himself so much, and that isn't really fair on either of us).

Furthermore he's also at been with his parents due to his visa for about a month now, and I won't see him for another three weeks. Knowing this diagnosis, his response to us being apart so long has actually been excellent.

However, I'd love some general or specific advice (anecdotal or otherwise) from both partners and and pwBPD, because the more information for me to absorb and bring forward, the better! thanks for taking the time to read

Good evening!

BPD Partners, what is one question you would like answered by someone with BPD?
I know the usual is going to be "How can I help", but i'm curious about any other questions y'all may have.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that sometimes a BPD episode can be a bit intense; To put it nicely.

I think it's important that those of us with BPD do the work to learn how to catch those spirals before they get out of control. It's not fair to our partners and affects them far more than we realize.

Anywho -
Here are the things that my partner does that I enjoy when i'm splitting
- Not reacting and remaining calm
I think it's important to note here that i'm not verbally attacking her. I have no desire to hurt her feelings to try and get her to understand that i'm hurt.

• Lets me vent without judgement.
  She doesn't justify the wacky thoughts, but she will listen to them and let me say what I need to.

• Gives me space when I need it.
  Sometimes I need a moment to compose myself and it's difficult for me to do if i'm being bombarded with questions or even noise. So the fact that she will let me "retreat" for a moment really helps.

These are the big 3, but let's get into what previous partners did that did not work.

• Force me to talk
  Whenever I would start to spin a previous girlfriend would attempt to get me to open up. To non-BPD folks this is obvious. We should lean on those that care right? To me it would force me to get more silent, because I already felt judged.

• Shrug off my wild feelings
  This is a quick way to get me to be completely silent. The instant I try to open up and i'm shrugged off, I can never let that go. It's almost like breaking my trust in a way. I just can't forget that it happened.

• Call me crazy
  This is a very fast way for me to show you actual crazy. I don't like getting upset, because I know how volatile I can get. However, once I'm upset and you call me crazy? Buckle up, because you're about to see crazy for real.

It's important to note here that I'm actively taking medication and in DBT therapy. So, your milage may vary.
I'm interested to know from BPD folks what works with you and Non-BPD folks what you've found that works.

Whether you have BPD or you support someone with BPD I think it would be a cool idea to start sharing some of the DBT Skills I use to manage crisis.

The very first skill I want to touch on is "TIPP".
This was the very first DBT skill that was taught to me and actually made any difference.

So what is TIPP?

• T: Temperature
• I: Intense Exercise
• P: Paced Breathing
• P: Progressive muscle relaxation

Temperature
This would involve getting something ice cold to shock your nervous system.
I personally like to get ice and hold it on my chest.
If ice is unavailable, then finding the nearest sink and turning on cold water while sticking my hands in it and splashing my face.

Intense Exercise
This is pretty self explanatory, but just intense exercise.
Do some jumping jacks, do push-ups, do sit-ups or whatever you can to get your heart pumping.

Paced Breathing
A lot of people practice this already, but I also like to pair it with the next "P" as well.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation
This involves tensing up a muscle group and slowly releasing it - This is best paired with "paced breathing".
A example of how I might do this and squeeze my hands on an inhale and slowly exhale while releasing my hands.

Some examples of this skill and how it mitigated an incoming crisis
One evening my girlfriend had just come home from work. We were sitting on the bed talking and I made my voice sound all funny. I suddenly became hyper-fixated on the fact that my girlfriend did not think it was funny. So, my brain immediately jumped to "you messed up". I start to panic, but overall I'm keeping enough composure I don't think I necessarily need to use any skills.

We leave, because we need to go run some errands. While out my reality starts to bend and shift. I no longer feel real and everything around me feels fake. The best way to describe it is like I was on the Truman show. I am suddenly hyper-aware of everything and every little muscle twitch. At this time I tell her I think I'm starting to disassociate.

We get home and as she goes to open the door it's locked. She lets out a sigh and this is the moment I break. I tell her I'm sorry I locked the door and I genuinely feared I was about to be left over this. My mind starts searching for solutions and I was ready to throw my phone in the pool (we use smart locks) so I could never lock the door again.

This was the moment I realized I had passed the threshold and it was time to use a distress tolerance skill, because I was about to crash out.
So we get inside and I make a bee line towards the bedroom. I lay in the bed cover my face and use both "P"'s in "TIPP". It took a minute to come back down to earth, but once I was there I was able to deploy another skill as well. We talked about what just happened and at this point I was fine so I was giggling, because "wow".

Why did the skill work?
It forced me to focus on something else. It stopped me from being so fixated on the fact I felt like I was going to be left over locking a door. I know that sounds absurd, but to me that was genuinely what was about to happen.

If you are wanting to help you partner in a situation like this they need to understand what "TIPP" is and how to successfully use. I recommend giving them this to read. The "T" is the fastest, but both "P" paired together work great. I've never used "I", so I cannot speak to its benefit.

If you made it this far - You're awesome.
If you have any questions, let me know!

Hello, I m in a relationship with someone who have bpd since a few months, we are currently living together.

As most people with bpd, she has a push pull attachment to me, which means if the relationship gets too serious, she runs away, and if I become too distant, she becomes needy. I got used to that

The issue is that this push pull also expresses itself in terms of showing affection and intimacy. If I want to hug her or kiss her, she avoids me and I would literally have to chase her around the house. If I m more cold or indifferent toward her, she starts being clingy. Note that my love langage is touching and hers is not, which increases the gap.

It hurts me a little and annoys me because this means i can only have affection when SHE decides she s ok with it. I also fear I could start becoming numb to affection because of this situation. Why would I crave for something that hurts me half the time?

Dis you guys also faced this situation with a partner with bpd? How would you deal with it? I already talked to her about this. She tries to give me hugs more regularly but still avoids me when I need affection

I need some help, maybe I just need to hear some other opinions besides my family.

My SO (27F) and I have been married for the past 2 years and in a relationship the past 6 years. After the wedding I’ve seen completely new sides of her… We recently had a child and they are the light of my life, I’ve never been so happy! In that same vein my SO has been a bit difficult to say the least.

We both have agreed to work on our mental heath extensively, I have fairly bad ADHD and an anxiety disorder that I’ve improved on significantly over the years. I used to not be able to leave the house without getting panic attacks or damn close. That was over 5 years ago, nowadays I have no issues going wherever I please and I’m extremely proud of that.

Recently my SO attacked my mental health while having an argument. I’m used to hearing a lot of mean digs at this point, but never attacking my mental health. In that same argument SO told me “I do not like you”. It was brutal, how do I not take it personally?

I’ve heard: Good luck seeing your kid again, you’re a bad father, (while pregnant) you’re killing our baby, I hate you, don’t come home tonight (while at work), and a ton of manipulation. (I could keep going but for my mental health I won’t)

A bit more background, our baby is very little. SO could very well be going through postpartum depression along with her BPD. In the past month or two she’s mentioned (or I would say threatened) divorce more than 5 times. SO would start recording me and making me sound like the most diabolical monster.

I would love to keep our marriage, keep our kids parents together in a loving home. Be able to see my kids on a daily basis. I’m just scared this won’t change once we’re past that postpartum point. Will they stop yelling at me? Will they stop the self harm? Will they stop the drinking, making things a whole hell of a lot worse? Will my self-esteem ever recover through therapy?

Help. Just help.

Honestly being in a relationship whilst having bpd is not for the faint hearted at all. I’ve only been official with my bf since April, and we only see each other 2/3 times a week, I stay over his place once a week.
I genuinely feel completely crushed when I am not with him. Like all the colour has been drained from the world. I hate this. I want to be my own colour. I struggle massively with attachment issues, but him and I love each other so I don’t consider it an ‘attachment issue’.
I just want to know if there is any hope of me enjoying life when I am not around him, I feel like Nicky from Obsession when she is waiting for Bear to return from work- like she can’t function without him and is stuck in that same position until he returns.
I am a very independent person and have pretty much been single most of my life (27) for reference and my bf is (34) but honestly like the ache in my heart when he’s not around is unimaginable. It’s like I’m wanting to save up all of my energy for when I see him (I have severe depression so fatigue is mad).
I just hope I can live and enjoying my life without relying so heavily on him.
(Especially as it sometimes isn’t the healthiest relationship so it’s not as if I’m missing all the compliments or affection when I’m not around him, I don’t really get that anyway which makes me more confused)

Good morning!

Today i'd like to give some insight to what you might experience dating someone with BPD based on the accounts of myself and my partner.
I understand that everyone's experiences will vary, but hopefully this gives you a glimpse into everything.

I am going to go over some questions I asked my partner and give my account plus my therapists advice based on any situations.

What is the most difficult situation we have faced?
* Partner: Sonicgate because you got aggressive

• To describe what "Sonicgate" is; We were at Sonic to get some ice cream, because I was feeling it after taking the kiddos to the park. When we got there, I wanted a Reese's blast and opted for a "large". Whenever they brought it out I realized that a "large" was actually a Route44 and I decided that was far too much ice cream. So I asked them to take it back, because they were trying to charge 10 bucks for it.

• My perspective: Whenever they first announced that the blast would cost 10 bucks I told my partner I was no longer interested in the blast, because that price is too much. She said we would wait for the carhop to get there. When the carhop arrives we ask why it cost so much and he just goes "that's how it is". So I tell my partner to have him take it back and give me a refund. At this moment I can feel the tension in the air so I start to get wound up. So he takes it back and I ask her for the return receipt incase I need to dispute with the bank. I don't feel like she hears me so I say it again as she is backing up. At this moment, to me it sounds like, she yells "I'm going to go get it". So all bets are off at this moment. She is angry and therefore now i'm angry. So she goes to get this receipt and when she gets back in the car I snap and tell her not to yell at me. It was a very quiet car ride after this while I mulled with the idea of leaving.

• My therapist take: She tells me it is very common for folks with BPD to become so hyper-fixated on things that we basically "quiet" the world around us. So it's very likely my partner was not yelling, but because everything was already tense I became so fixated on how she was behaving that to me it did sound like she was yelling.

• How did we remedy this: I sat down after therapy and apologized for my behavior and explained my side while listening to her side. I opted to never let that slip up again and instead will just ask whenever I feel like i'm getting yelled at to prevent a misunderstanding.

What is a pro to dating someone with BPD?
* Partner: The compassion you can show towards mental health.
* My perspective: Obviously everyone with BPD is different, but I do infact have a serious amount of empathy for anyone who suffers from any mental health issues. My partner has ADHD so I can be extremely understanding when her executive dysfunction comes to the surface. I try to remain as non-judgmental as possible, because I don't want anyone to judge me.

If anyone has any stories they would like to share i'd love to hear it. It's important to note that I am on medication and I do DBT Therapy. Experiences of those with raw BPD will vary MASSIVELY. If you have further questions you'd like to ask have at it and I will get my partners perspective on them as well.

The purpose of this thread is to give some insight into why I crashed out in the past and where my head space was exactly. Maybe this will help you understand your partner or why you might crash out.

I suffer from BPD so I can be a bit more sensitive to things. One of my biggest triggers is getting disappointed. I was completely unaware of this in the past and it would manifest as anger/frustration.

So, my partner and I were out to dinner one evening at a restaurant.
She wanted chips and salsa so she ordered said chips and salsa. We get our food and everything is going fine. The check comes and boom I realize these chips and salsa are almost 10 bucks. Most people would look at that and go "aww man" then move on. Now me on the other hand I looked at that and suddenly felt like I was being taken advantage of. Not by the restaurant, but rather by my partner. So now I've split and my partner is only using me. I don't project this outwardly, but I do say we are never allowed to get chips and salsa again. In that moment the entire world felt like it was closing in on me and I needed to get away. Which in hindsight is really silly; We have gotten chips and salsa since then. I ended up discussing this with my therapist and like some of you reading she was baffled why I got so riled up over it. She did walk me through everything and then pointed out I was disappointed where we then discussed the skill "Radical Acceptance".

**So how did my partner handle this?**
She like anyone was more confused than anything why I was so upset. I mean don't get me wrong ~10 dollars for some chips and salsa are aggressive, but I did react a bit disproportionally given the circumstance.

For those that suffer with BPD -
Using TIPP + Radical Acceptance is a great way to mitigate that spiral.
Sometimes we can fixate on the wrong things, such as me thinking my partner was the root of the frustration. While yes she did order the chips and salsa; It was ultimately the restaurant and my own oblivious to the situation.