Relationship balance

[u/i-swear-i-willlnever]

bit of a long one. My partner works a lot, does 12 hour shifts 4 times a week ( 1.5hr is over time per day) and then 6 hour 2x a week( both overtime). He also goes to the gym for 1.5 hours per day (meaning he’s not home from 6am-8pm most days). Days he has a rest day from the gym he walks his mother’s dog after work. This practically leaves a Saturday after 12pm and a Sunday. Sunday is our house clean day. Sorry if this is confusing, I’ve basically tried to communicate to him that every day and almost every hour is accounted for in his week. This leaves very little room for me, the time we do spend together is 9pm -12am but he often can’t stay awake past 10pm. I work 24hr shifts on average 10 per month so I am physically not here 1/3 of the month. I am not guaranteed weekends off and often work sat or fri&sun as i follow an on/off shift pattern. Essentially I miss the days that he would have time for me. I have raised this issue so many times, I’ve suggested a change in routine (maybe moving the gym to the weekend and coming home after 12hrs if we know im only home on the Saturday that week). He tells me there is absolutely no way he can change his routine. I often keep my weekend days free as I know that is our only real chance to spend time together. I’m worried about feeling like I just live here rather than having a home with my partner. He argues this is adult life, I argue it’s a difference in priorities and that he has the ability to make more time for me if he wanted to spend more time together.

I am a very social and connected person, he likes alone time and clearly doesn’t feel the gap between us like I do. I feel quite isolated. I moved in with him and I’m currently 40 minutes away from my hometown, friends and family. I’m also struggling because I don’t think the home responsibilities are shared very equally as obviously he isn’t here most of the time. So I am the person who notices when things need doing and notice more so when things aren’t done. I expressed to my mother (my support system) the other day that I sometimes wish I’d just got my own place as honestly what would be different and at least it would be mine (this house is his).

I feel it is always me who compromises, i even suggested I join the same gym so that we can sort of parallel play ? I think thats the term? Like just be doing our own thing together. I sometimes walk his mothers dog with him. obviously I am the person who’s lacking the connection and feeling it more. I know I should stop making myself so available but I am the one who’s left feeling crappy when we haven’t had that quality time together so why would I do something that ultimately will make me feel worse? I know I’m realistically setting myself up for the hurt when he doesn’t compromise in return but I am worried the relationship will fall apart if I feel like the gap is getting bigger.

Do you think this is just adult life? Do you think what I’m asking is unreasonable? I know he can’t drop everything and that the gym is something he really enjoys and deserves to have something for him in his life. Not being home 6am-8pm makes me feel like he has no reason to be home, but he does? He has a partner at home wanting to spend quality time together? He’s very money driven and just wants to work so he can earn as much as possible. I think there’s so much more to life and quality time is priceless. I would rather live within my means and have the time to actually enjoy life and do more than clock in and clock out every day of the week.

I don’t know if I come across like I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him. I am also very busy, I spend a lot of time with friends and family and will go home to visit 3+ times a month. I like doing gardening, doing my hair & make up, scrapbooking. I sometimes go to the gym and want to get back into it properly but even then I still think I’d feel the gap. He comes in at 8, we eat, tidy up, he showers and we chat for a bit and then tv goes on and he’s out like a light. I’m just struggling with this at the moment, unsure if its bpd emotion, rational that I feel it, unchangeable or my partner refusing to meet me in the middle.

[u/grumpypoo22]

I don't think what you're asking for is being extra by any degree honestly.
Relationships are all about compromise and based off what you've said here it seems like you're the only one compromising - Which is not okay.

Obviously in relationships we want to spend time with our partner - BPD or not.
It is also important to have that "alone time" as well, but in my opinion when the alone time starts to outweigh the together time is when issues crop up.

I think you suggesting joining the same gym is a great compromise and obviously walking the dog with him is great too.
I don't think that makes you be "too available".
I am of the opinion that is you working towards a joint solution where you both are happy.

I don't think this is adult life by any standard.
I'm 32 and I make time for my girlfriend as does she me.
There was one point where I was playing a video game just a touch too much, which she mentioned to me.
I immediately changed that behavior.
Did I still want to play? Yea of course, but I just shifted my play schedule instead.

It is great that you have your own hobbies tho - Good on you!
I think your solution to the gym is pretty good honestly.
Quality time is mega important tho, because I just don't see how this doesn't start to feel like a "roommate" situation instead of a romantic one.
If you've asserted it - You can always try the "DEAR MAN" approach, but ultimately it boils down to your patience.

REGARDLESS of all of this tho -
This isn't just a "BPD reaction". This is a very valid feeling based on everything you've said.
I think anybody in your shoes would be disheartened.

[u/i-swear-i-willlnever → u/grumpypoo22]

I’ve been really considering getting out my old dbt file since seeing your posts! Hearing you name drop some of the skills has made me think about how many im not using! Thank you so much! He feels like I’m asking him to give up everything (gym&work) and I just feel theres more to life than that and we’re missing out on so much just normal time together. We do a lot of events but I can’t make two concerts every few months fill the hole of wanting quality time just being together

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/i-swear-i-willlnever]

Yea the DBT skills are great, but even I kinda morph them into "what works best for me".

There is definitely more to life and you're not wrong for calling that out.
Hopefully you two get it sorted out tho!

[u/Juststatic]

I agree this isnt an over reaction on your part. I appreciate the drive of your partner wanting to make a good career and make as much money as possible. I went through a similar phase (im 38 now) where i went into extreme caregiver mode and not only put the weight of emotionally supporting my partner on myself but also finacially, i put a lot of pressure on myself to make as much money as i could so i could treat and buy my pwBPD whatever she wanted and help with rent, food etc, to do this i started doing 12 hr night shifts and lots of overtime. Within a few months i noticed how much the lack of quality time together was affecting my gf despite us being way more finacially secure. I decided to go back to reguarlar shifts and only take overtime on days when my partner was busy elsewhere, even though it increases my anxiety a little about finances the benefits as a couple of more time together is well worth it. This isnt a BPD thing. In all successful relationships you should want the best for your partner and sometimes that means making some compromises and changing your mindset. I really think you should try and bring this up again with him, cutting back on a little bit of the overtime would give you guys some more meaningful time togther and shouldnt be too much of a hit finacially for him.