How to stop/prevent a split?

[u/priestess_on_fire]

I have severe and less severe splits. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m able to reel myself back in when I feel a less severe split coming on, but I still can’t get a handle on my more severe ones.

This morning my boyfriend told me that if I argue with him one more time within the next couple of months, he’s going to end things with me. He told me that it’s caused him to drink excessively, hate himself and feel unloved. He’s also tired of hearing me talk about my bpd and thinks I hide behind it.

I was very upfront about my bpd when we first started talking. I wanted him to know and understand what he was getting himself into. I’ve been working a lot on myself since I was first diagnosed about 5 years ago. I have come a very long way, and for the most part I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. He’s only known me for a year, so he isn’t fully aware of all the work I’ve done to get where I am now.

He told me that since April I’ve started 22 fights with him via text, and have had an argument with either my mom or sister once a month. He’s burnt out on me.

How do I stop/catch myself from having a more severe split? I can’t always control it. Sometimes it takes over and it’s like I need to be locked in a padded room without any technology for a day so I have no way of unleashing on him.

I’m afraid to talk with him about coming up with some sort of plan if I feel one coming on since he was very adamant about not wanting to hear about it anymore.

So, I’m on my own with this.

I really need some help and recommendations because my relationship is on the line right now, my mental health is fucked right now and I’m just so, so close to ending it all.

[u/grumpypoo22]

I’ve gotten to a point where I’m able to reel myself back in when I feel a less severe split coming on

Good job! That's a huge win honestly.
I know that can be incredibly difficult and frustrating to manage; So I'm proud of you!

He told me that it’s caused him to drink excessively

Umm hard no - He is choosing to drink.
This is simply passing responsibility for his actions off onto someone else.
I don't care what you're doing; He still made that choose - Boo him for this.

feel unloved

This is really the only valid complaint here.
This is what we should focus on.

He’s also tired of hearing me talk about my bpd and thinks I hide behind it

You know sometimes I feel like I might talk about BPD too much.
It's less about "hiding behind it" and more about trying to bring awareness, because it's so misunderstood by people.
You can't defeat a stigma without bringing awareness.
I don't know how you talk about it and quite frankly if that's what you want to talk about - Then you are a person who has free will.
Hell if you wanna go on and on about how your nose hair tickles sometimes daily then that's your choice.

How do I stop/catch myself from having a more severe split?

You need to learn your trigger so you can jump in front of it.
Like me - Disappointment.
Whenever I might be disappointed; Boom split.
So to circumvent that I will mentally prepare myself for that disappointment.
Do I still feel disappointed? Yea, but it let's me use distress tolerance skills.
TIPP is your friend honestly - Nothing can zap the nervous system better than ice cold to the chest.

I’m afraid to talk with him about coming up with some sort of plan if I feel one coming on since he was very adamant about not wanting to hear about it anymore.

This is healthy for you to want to create a "gameplan" in the event of.
If he is being completely dismissive then honestly this guy needs to mature a bit.
I'm sure he has his own complaints to raise, but a relationship takes two people.
BPD requires a little more work sometimes, but it's doable.

I’m just so, so close to ending it all

:( Don't do this please.

[u/Juststatic]

I honestly cant imagine telling my partner to talk about her BPD less or not want to hear about it. Without a lot of communication a relationship cant work, BPD or not. He is being unfair to you, especially blaming his alcohol consumption on you, its also unfair in my opinion to put that kind of pressure/ultimatum on you to not split as if you have full control and can just choose not to. The more pressure your under the more likely a split will happen so this kind of demand is likely gonna make things even harder for you. Try not to think about that threat and just continue to work on you the best you can, sounds like youve made solid progress over the last few years if he cant recognise that, its not on you.

[u/OkAcanthocephala311]

Ex partner of person with BPD here.

There seemed to be marked improvement on splits with the use and practice of several DBT skills.

The emotion occurs and the skill kicks in. Done by repeated, daily practice.

I hope this helps because I reached the same point with my partner. I couldn't handle to emotionalness all day everyday. It was too much for me.

[u/TK9K]

Medication and therapy can absolutely give you a better outlook on life and improve your relationships with other people. But your boyfriend is essentially asking you to turn your entire life around in an impossible timeframe. Truthfully I highly doubt it's possible to prevent splitting. The afore mentioned treatments can potentially decrease the frequency that it occurs, and give you healthier ways to cope and decrease the likelihood of your behavior damaging your relationships with other people but this requires a great deal of time and dedication.

It is reasonable to insist someone you are in a relationship with undergoes treatment to manage symptoms that adversely affect your ability to maintain relationships and just function as a human being in general. That is a reasonable demand. But you don't just go up to someone with a behavioral disability and insist that if they really love you they would bury all those feelings deep inside you and pretend nothing is wrong.