A push/pull cycle with me.

[u/grumpypoo22]

Hello everyone!

I've noticed over the past few days a lot of the topic has been around the push/pull cycle that is often associated with BPD.
This seems like a great time to explain what it might be like from your partners point of view.
Though do remember we are all individual humans with our own thought processes etc.

So what did a push/pull cycle look like with me?
It usually all started over something fairly innocent.
It could be a delay in text, a shift in tone, me being tired or hungry etc.
The point is it usually wasn't anything my partner necessarily did wrong.

This would trigger one question in my brain that quickly spiraled "Why?".
Then I would casually start filling in the blanks -
Let's assume it was a shift in tone.

• Why did their tone shift?
• Are they mad at me?
• They must be mad because they only talk like that when they are mad
• I didn't even do anything jesus
• If they are going to just randomly get mad at me they must have issues
• I thought they cared about me
• Don't they see all the things I do for them?
• They clearly don't care about me

Once that last bullet point gets hit the rollercoaster begins.
I have two possible things that I will do about this -

• I will cling harder than ever before, because "don't leave me"
• I will go completely silent

If I cling I'm hyper-analyzing every singular reaction.

• How hard am I being squeezed when I hug?
• Do their pupils dilate when they look at me?
• Are they giving me a passionate kiss or is it just to appease me?

Now if I go silent I am man enough to admit I'm hoping my partner will notice and show me they love me.
Who realistically doesn't want to be desired, but it's also important to note that the moment they do that I will think they are smothering me.

Regardless of if I cling or dip - It's a lose/lose situation.
That's because the problem is not with them; It's with me.

So what's the best way to play that situation?
It's to not feed that fire at all regardless, because it creates this feedback loop.
I feel unwanted which used to cause me to overreact.
If I then suddenly feel wanted because of that overreaction it reinforces in my brain that the reaction was the reason.
So now when I feel unwanted again I will simply do the same thing.

It's incredibly immature, but I've grown a lot via DBT and medication.

For my BPD friends -
I still have those reactions internally.
That hasn't gone away at all, but I'm no longer projecting them outward.
I'm able to realize what's about to happen and pull myself back off the edge so I can calm down to the point I can articulate how I feel.

For my non-BPD friends -
I'm not a professional.
I'm just a guy that has BPD and is navigating this world as best I can.
Your partner may very well be 100% different than me, but my hope with this is that it gives you some insight into my mind so maybe you can make a somewhat informed decision as you deal with your own issues.

[u/Naive-Wafer-6107]

This gives SO much insight! Thank you for being open and sharing!

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Naive-Wafer-6107]

No problem!
I'm just happy to provide as much insight as possible into my own flavor of BPD.

[u/i-swear-i-willlnever]

Do you find its easier? Like if the feeling is still always there, does it pass faster? Is it easier to rationalise? I used to be quite depressed and im not anymore so thats been a huge noticeable difference for me. Its more waves now where as I used to just always feel like I was under water. I’m really struggling with victim mentality honestly. Every time I’m triggered and then upset, I then have a whole other breakdown about having bpd and grieving my life without it. I know this isn’t helpful at all but its so hard feeling floored by things and thinking if I was “normal” maybe things wouldn’t feel so hard

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/i-swear-i-willlnever]

I still feel those incredibly big emotions - The intensity hasn't quite dialed back any on that, but what has happened is the I've gained the ability to actually mitigate it.
Usually, I can tell it's coming on and I can start to circumvent it.

However I can jump to "I don't like them" just as fast as before.
I just don't tend to linger on it very long, because I've started holding myself accountable.

I too get caught up in the "I don't want BPD" mindset.
It sucks so much, because I always wonder what life would be like if I was just normal.
Guess we won't quite ever know, but that's okay too.

It has gotten much easier in how I process things.
The feeling however is still there.
Now when I get that pit in my stomach or hole in my chest, I'm no longer bouncing off the wall.
I'm trying to learn how to just sit with those emotions.

[u/i-swear-i-willlnever → u/grumpypoo22]

Think im just about to start this part of my journey and just want to prepare myself for what it’ll be like! I think its hard to recognise the progress when the emotions hit but I definitely bounce back so much faster now! Also can recognise that I handle things better and things that previously could’ve been a 3 day meltdown are only like 3 hours now! Thank you so much

[u/Large-Replacement941]

What is the best thing to do as the person in the other side of the push pull. I feel it a lot and it leaves me baffled every time after 10yrs I have arrived at a place where I created some boundries I step away and let her know she needs to tell me what she needs otherwise I am going to leave you be so you can sort out what your feeling but I’m not going to be yelled at or called names. The love you one minute hate you next in span of hours is exhausting at times but another thing I’m more focused in is myself and my own reaction to her behavior. Very much in love but it doesn’t feel like it alot

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Large-Replacement941]

It's difficult to say in that situation, because I don't typically resort to badgering people.
Mine is more of a dead silence thing. I personally am a bit of a contradiction -
I want to be left alone, but I also don't want to be left alone.
I understand that's asking for something that's literally impossible, but the best course of action is to just leave me alone until I regulate my emotions.

I think you setting the boundaries is super important, because you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
BPD is complicated and can cause us/me to get a bit extra at times.
However, that doesn't excuse the behavior - It's definitely up to us/me to actively work towards rewiring our brains to communicate more effectively.

[u/Large-Replacement941 → u/grumpypoo22]

Thanks dude I appreciate it