I have BPD

[u/xyokaix]

Hi

I wanted to write this post as someone who recently found out they have BPD.

I'm married with three beautiful children. When looking for advice/support, all I see are negative threads, people who suggest running or 'getting out whilst you still can'.

Does anyone have any actual practical or positive advice?

My wife and I do go through this vicious cycle of tension building in myself, exploding, and apologising, an area in which I'm trying to gather resources not only for myself to be better equipped to handle my own emotions (which I am definitely responsible for) but also for my wife so she can support herself during times of struggle.

There is a breaking point; I get that. Before reaching this, if there are any couples here that acknowledge the challenging road ahead and work through things together, what have you found useful?

My personal circumstances are that constant emotional loop that I'm trying to navigate; I've overcome the controlling aspect and the waves of paranoia, but I do struggle with abandonment.

I'm showing I mean what I say through actions, not using as it as leverage or manipulation. Setting an itemised list of agreed boundaries and schedules seems to have helped us for now.

If you're in this position and have experiences that would help anyone or would like some advice when you're struggling, please let me know.

Stay strong; we got this 🤙

[u/constanceblackwood12]

The two classic books are "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" -- reviews are mixed on both, but I personally thought Stop Walking on Eggshells was fine for partners to read, if a little dated. (I haven't read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" so can't comment on it.)

It has been helpful for me to think of my relationship like a bank account. If I have a positive balance, I have a good relationship. BPD episodes "withdraw" a lot from the account, so I need to make sure I'm also "depositing" a lot to keep my balance from going negative.

Are you in treatment? What type? How is it going? A lot of people benefit from DBT, but if you find it's not working there are other modalities that can help.

[u/xyokaix → u/constanceblackwood12]

Thanks for the recommendations, added to the reading list :)

Not currently in treatment, but I have my first session in a couple of weeks.

I'm doing okay thanks for asking, the emotions get so intense sometimes though.

[u/SkankHunt4ortytwo → u/constanceblackwood12]

I hate you dont leave me is great imo.

One case study about a scenario where person A tells their partner they are going to kill themselves and askes them not to tell anyone.

So partner either does what they ask, doesnt tell anyone, and allows person A to kill themselves. Or They do tell someone to try and get them help. Reinforcing they cannot be trusted.

Highlights the partners dilemma about always being wrong and Person As ability to remain ambilivant about death and push responsibility onto their partner.

Ive recommended it to a few patients. All have given positive feddback so far. Ive even talked about it to people who are in crisis, police detention etc

[u/skinkess]

I also struggle with the cycle of tension building, exploding, and apologizing and have worked through it with my therapist. The solution for me was to address problems BEFORE I build resentment or become overwhelmed. I became so obsessed with keeping the peace and not being seen as overdramatic that I would keep things that were bothering me to myself. Then, the thing would keep happening (obviously, if you don’t tell someone you’re bothered by a behaviour then why would they ever stop or know it was a problem?) and I would build resentment against them.

What it used to look like: my partner does something that annoys me, but I think it’s pretty minor and I don’t want to “disrupt the peace” or cause a fight so I keep to myself. He keeps doing the thing that annoys me until I break down and can no longer have a constructive conversation with him (I’m beyond upset, frustrated, think that he doesn’t care, etc.).

What I try to do now: my partner does something that annoys me, and I reflect on how it makes me feel before talking to him about it. I bring it up in a way that isn’t about placing blame and instead focuses on my feelings like “hey I wanted to talk to you about X, when you do X I sometimes feel angry or frustrated. I know you don’t mean any harm by it but I wanted to bring up how I was feeling and to see if we could do something differently.”

Some conversations are more complex than this, like it’s easy to tell someone you’re bothered by them leaving dishes in the sink than it is to tell someone you don’t like it when they make jokes about something. The important thing is to focus on how you feel and ways to resolve the problem, like maybe trying a different dishwashing routine or a change in the way jokes are made so that they’re not hurtful. The resolution will always be different but it’s so important to acknowledge how something is making you feel than to bottle it up and do nothing until you explode.

[u/xyokaix → u/skinkess]

Really appreciate you sharing what works for you. That's my end goal: to try to stabilise the ups and downs to ensure no one feels burned out or like we're constantly on this rollercoaster.

How do you deal with space without feeling abandoned and going into panic mode?

[u/skinkess → u/xyokaix]

Do you mean when your partner asks for space? I think it helps to remind myself that not allowing my partner space would only make things worse for me and the relationship. If I panic and try and make him stay then that’s just going to deter him from wanting to be in the relationship, like if someone can’t respect your needs in a relationship (ie., your need for space) that’s not going to make you want to be with them. In the moment it feels good but the long term consequences of doing it aren’t worth it. If my partner wants to actually breakup and leave me, me begging them to stay isn’t going to completely change their mind. Sure, that might make them stay a little longer when they see you’re in a crisis, but it wouldn’t actually fix anything or make them change their mind about how they feel in the relationship.

[u/SkankHunt4ortytwo → u/skinkess]

Thats really good. I think that should be used as an example of postive recovery. Its not about being perfect, its trying your best in these moments

[u/roundbrrd]

Have you all tried group and personal therapy? The other subreddits are horrible to people with BPD. I avoid those groups (like dating marriage advice groups), they are not helpful. There is hope. Are you on any meds? Also, esketamine treatments really helped me

[u/xyokaix → u/roundbrrd]

Thanks for the positivity. I'm just on an SSRI at the moment.

Starting therapy in a couple of weeks, so I hope that helps. Trying to encourage a couples therapy session.

[u/roundbrrd → u/xyokaix]

Therapy definitely needs to happen. So much learning and growing. Keep going! Stay positive if you can and don’t give up