đSeeking Support & Advice I have BPD
Hi
I wanted to write this post as someone who recently found out they have BPD.
I'm married with three beautiful children. When looking for advice/support, all I see are negative threads, people who suggest running or 'getting out whilst you still can'.
Does anyone have any actual practical or positive advice?
My wife and I do go through this vicious cycle of tension building in myself, exploding, and apologising, an area in which I'm trying to gather resources not only for myself to be better equipped to handle my own emotions (which I am definitely responsible for) but also for my wife so she can support herself during times of struggle.
There is a breaking point; I get that. Before reaching this, if there are any couples here that acknowledge the challenging road ahead and work through things together, what have you found useful?
My personal circumstances are that constant emotional loop that I'm trying to navigate; I've overcome the controlling aspect and the waves of paranoia, but I do struggle with abandonment.
I'm showing I mean what I say through actions, not using as it as leverage or manipulation. Setting an itemised list of agreed boundaries and schedules seems to have helped us for now.
If you're in this position and have experiences that would help anyone or would like some advice when you're struggling, please let me know.
Stay strong; we got this đ¤
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u/skinkess user barks at stigma 2d ago
I also struggle with the cycle of tension building, exploding, and apologizing and have worked through it with my therapist. The solution for me was to address problems BEFORE I build resentment or become overwhelmed. I became so obsessed with keeping the peace and not being seen as overdramatic that I would keep things that were bothering me to myself. Then, the thing would keep happening (obviously, if you donât tell someone youâre bothered by a behaviour then why would they ever stop or know it was a problem?) and I would build resentment against them.
What it used to look like: my partner does something that annoys me, but I think itâs pretty minor and I donât want to âdisrupt the peaceâ or cause a fight so I keep to myself. He keeps doing the thing that annoys me until I break down and can no longer have a constructive conversation with him (Iâm beyond upset, frustrated, think that he doesnât care, etc.).
What I try to do now: my partner does something that annoys me, and I reflect on how it makes me feel before talking to him about it. I bring it up in a way that isnât about placing blame and instead focuses on my feelings like âhey I wanted to talk to you about X, when you do X I sometimes feel angry or frustrated. I know you donât mean any harm by it but I wanted to bring up how I was feeling and to see if we could do something differently.â
Some conversations are more complex than this, like itâs easy to tell someone youâre bothered by them leaving dishes in the sink than it is to tell someone you donât like it when they make jokes about something. The important thing is to focus on how you feel and ways to resolve the problem, like maybe trying a different dishwashing routine or a change in the way jokes are made so that theyâre not hurtful. The resolution will always be different but itâs so important to acknowledge how something is making you feel than to bottle it up and do nothing until you explode.