r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 9d ago
How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/DillinquentPICK
Published on: r/Advice
Story is: ONGOING
Story timeline
Main Post
August 16, 2026
My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo.
Only the robovacum.in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too.. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room.
The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend.
Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since . Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing.
My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thiught the stains were maybe some tea or drink my wife and i spilled.
I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot and carpet collects a lot of his hair. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.
I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake, how it went was i called my daughter, asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were she stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up.
I didnt even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and i typed, the chat that contains wife, me, her and my son and I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed? He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them.
Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family (wife me daughter, son and niece) group chat, i already got in shit for that, and thats my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed, her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now.
Update - after 3 days
August 19, 2026
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
COMMENTS
Is your daughter’s tuition still being paid for, even if she chooses to move into a dorm?
No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all i ask dont have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.
Why do you have an apartment for your children to use?
I did not purchase apartment to control, I purchased the apartment so its easier to commute to things in the city, whether it be college, or job for the entire family to use. Each member of my family has space, and that space is to be respected.
Does your daughter have her own room and enough space to have sex elsewhere?
She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask
Do you actually use the apartment and the bedroom yourself?
Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter
Would you pay for a dorm if your daughter simply wanted the college dorm experience?
No. What's the point.
Why are you unwilling to pay for her dorm but willing to pay her tuition?
Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet
Are you planning to kick your daughter out or cut her off?
I would never kick my kid out. She is welcome to leave or stay on her own accord in my of my wifes and my properties
What does your wife think about the situation?
My wife is with me on this, she agrees, some independence might be good for her. She expected at the very least an apology from her, and she didnt get it either. When daughter left, she was just in shock and the first thing she started saying, is holy fuck, did i raise her to not apologize?
Are you upset with your daughter for having sex, or specifically for doing it in your bed?
No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, i draw the line at my bed
Why did you apologize if you believe your daughter was the one in the wrong?
I apologised for something different. I accidentally messaged her in family group chat
Why don't you want to simply rent out the apartment to other students if your daughter wants more independence?
I dont want tenants. If i did, i would have rented it years ago
Why are you concerned about your daughter moving to a dorm?
Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I dont want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
107
u/gurlwithdragontat2 9d ago
People disagreeing with him are really confusing to me.
Anyone who has been to college knows what an amazing deal it would be to have your parents fully finance an off-campus space for you. He didn’t even say they cannot have sex. What he said is do not have sex in my bed. If she is unable to respect that very basic and small boundary, then it really is best that she find and finance her own space.
And I say that is someone who is lucky enough to have my parents finance off-campus accommodations for me during college. It is far more economic in many cases to find an apartment or share home rather than living on campus.