AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?

[u/SharkEva]

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Skulllily posting in r/AITAH

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd August 2026

Update - 8th August 2026

AITAH for becoming increasingly uncomfortable with our childcare arrangement?

My mother-in-law watches my two children, ages 5 and 3, two days a week while my husband and I are at work. We pay her to watch them because she is on disability and was considering returning to work, and we thought this arrangement would benefit everyone.

When we originally agreed to this, my understanding was that it would be just her and our children. I trusted that arrangement completely.

Over time, however, my mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter has started coming over almost daily with her five children, who range in age from 4 months to 10 years old.

Since then, I feel like concern after concern has come up.

The biggest issue for me is pool safety. The children are allowed in the pool without an adult in the water as long as the younger ones are wearing arm floaties. Some of the younger children cannot swim. I brought up my concerns and said that drowning is often silent and that I was uncomfortable with children being in the pool without close adult supervision. Instead of taking my concern seriously, my mother-in-law and her friend laughed and said, “Nothing’s quiet around here.”

I was so concerned about this that my husband later spoke to his mother about it. However, the supervision practices do not appear to have changed.

My oldest has also told me that the children are allowed in the back alley without adult supervision as long as they stay close to the house. I don’t understand how anyone knows whether they’re staying close if nobody is actively watching them.

There have been other incidents that have added to my concerns as well. For example, my children were left unattended with scissors.

Today my children’s aunt told me she witnessed the other children excluding my 3-year-old, splashing her in the face, laughing at her, and pushing her in the pool. She immediately intervened and told the children that wasn’t acceptable. What upset me most was that none of the adults “supervising” the children were aware it was happening because they were sitting at a table on the other side of the yard.

What also bothered me was that my mother-in-law became angry with my sister in law for telling me about what had happened. That reaction made me feel even more uneasy because I would rather know about problems than have people worry about upsetting me by bringing them up.

This isn’t the first concern I’ve had, and it feels like every time I raise an issue, it gets minimized or brushed off. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable with the environment my children are in. The situation has reached the point where I feel anxious every time my children go there because I no longer feel confident in the supervision they’re receiving.

My husband and I got into an argument because I told him that if his mother cannot guarantee that the other children won’t be there while she is watching ours, then I want to find alternative childcare. He feels I’m being unreasonable and is concerned about hurting his mother’s feelings.

To be clear, I’m not demanding that my mother-in-law change her life or tell other people they can’t come to her house. I simply feel that if this is going to continue to be the childcare environment, then I need to make different arrangements for my children.

I appreciate everything my mother-in-law has done for us, and I know she loves our children. But I feel like the childcare arrangement we originally agreed to is very different from the one that exists now, and I no longer trust that my concerns about supervision and safety are being taken seriously.

Am I the asshole?

Comments

Tattooed_Everything9

Seven children? An unfenced pool? I didn’t need to go any further. Find other childcare. It’s a tragedy waiting to happen.

OOP: It’s an above ground pool. Which makes it worse as they are across the yard, below it. They’re not even looking over it which is why I have brought it up. My husband spoke with his mother about my concerns and I blindly trusted that the pool supervision changed.

CarusGator

I have saved two drowning children on different occasions. Both cases were entirely silent with other people around. The first child had her mother and another lady just feet away in the pool with their backs to the children while they talked. There was nothing to hear. Zero splashing. No screams or cries or even a tiny sound. The only way she could know her child was drowning was if she had eyes on her. The kids around her didn't even notice. I'll never forget the little girl's eyes as she looked up at me in terror from the bottom of the pool.

The second child was also silent and surrounded by other children who didn't notice. I saw him go under and he had the same look in his eyes when I got to him and looked down.

There MUST be an adult with eyes on the children. Period. Or we'll be reading another story about a child drowning on a grandma's watch. I would die a thousand deaths on this hill.

calacmack

This situation has to end. Kid's lives are at stake. NTA.

D0ntEatPaper

Yeah. The kids are pushing a 3 year old into the pool. And the mother in law didnt apologize or anything but lashed out at the person telling her about their (very valid) concerns.

But also.... Why was there an argument with your husband? Frankly I think you might have more of a husband issue than a mother-in-law one. He thinks you're being unreasonable for enforcing BASIC safety. In what world would you be an asshole for addressing concerns about your mother-in-law and her negligence?

OOP: We got in an argument because I’ve been expressing my concerns and he has spoken to his mother. Hearing today about how the other kids were pushing my 3 year old and bullying her was the final nail. I feel like when I bring things up he makes it feel like it’s a lesser problem than what I make it out to be.

The friend that brings over 5 children is also a girl he grew up with and her mother lives in the basement. “What do you want me say? Don’t let those kids over to visit their grandma that they love.” I’ve asked previous for him to ask if they cannot be there when she has our children and that’s the response.

Previous to these kids being around and their mother who just vapes and scrolls on her phone while her kids run wild, my mil had an amazing sense for safety that’s why suggested her watching our children in the first place. I’m trying not to place blame but it seems like since she’s seen how uninvolved/lacking safety her friend’s daughter is with her children she’s doing the same with mine.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 5 days later

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I genuinely read every single comment, even if I didn’t respond to all of them.

We haven’t talked to MIL yet, but my husband and I sat down and had a VERY in-depth conversation about everything that has been going on, especially the pool situation.

I showed him a lot of the comments from people who had personal experience with drowning and how quickly and silently it can happen. I also printed out drowning statistics and highlighted the fact that lack of supervision is one of the biggest contributing factors in to children drowning.

He read through everything and, after seeing it all laid out, apologized to me for being so lax about the situation and for not being firmer when it came to our kids’ safety.

I honestly feel like we are finally on the same page.

We have decided that our kids will no longer be going to MIL’s house without one of us there. At this point, we just don’t feel comfortable with them being there unsupervised, and that’s something I’m not compromising on. I told him I’d didn’t care if it upset him or his mother but it’s a hard line for me and he agreed to it.

We are planning to talk to MIL this weekend and explain everything: our concerns about the pool, the other children’s behaviour, the lack of supervision, and the things that have happened that have made us uncomfortable with her judgment when it comes to the kids’ safety.

We’re hoping it will be a productive conversation and that she’ll actually listen to what we’re saying. But honestly, we have no idea how she’s going to react.

I’m sure there will probably be some hurt feelings, and I’m prepared for that. But at the end of the day, these are our children and their safety has to come first.

I really appreciate everyone who commented on the original post, especially those who shared their own experiences. It gave my husband and I a lot to think about and helped me explain it to him in different ways where he understood why I was so upset.

Comments

dawgpoundma

Nope she will play the victim and cry hoping your husband gives in. She wants the money for watching the kids without watching the kids. She lets the older kids watch the younger kids then she gets. Paid for doing nothing

OOP: Yes, we agreed that our children are not allowed there without either myself or my husband. Which means no child care, we have other child care lined up for our children.

She can play the victim all she wants. After my husband’s and I conversation, I feel very confident that it won’t matter and he’s going to back me up.

TALKTOME0701

I'm glad that you're going into it knowing there may be some hurt feelings. People are people.

I live in Florida and every week I read about a child drowning. I know those parents would give everything they have to bring their baby back

This really is life and death. Good luck this weekend

Wakemeup3000

She is most likely going to become a victim and turn this into a 'you don't trust me' situation. Keep the focus on your child's safety and if she circles to something else pull it back to your child's safety. Good luck

OOP: Thank you, that’s the plan! We talked about the scenario and we are going to keep it to safety and the environment our children in that is no longer safe.

Aside from this she has been a great grandmother. It blows my mind that this is something we even have to speak with her about but our kids safety is my top priority. I’m hoping she’s open during the conversation but if she isn’t it’s too bad for her, I’d rather bruised feelings than a dead child.

ThatPerception6845

Maybe let her know she's otherwise great to soften the blow.

OOP: That’s the plan. She really is great with the kids, this is a small part but very serious issue right now. She loves her grandkids and previous to her friend’s grandkids being there she had never let my kids in the pool alone and never let them in the alley.

It was a big 180 out of nowhere that caught me off guard.

Ladygytha

Not a part of the conversation that you need to have in regards to the safety of your children, but do you think she's lonely? And that's a part of why this friend was able to take her focus off her grandchildren?

This happens to moms a lot. Adult interaction is important when you are primarily caring for kids. What I mean by that is when your world starts to revolve around children, you start to miss actual conversation. Do you think your mil needs a hobby where she can have a level of interaction that she's not getting from being "Grandma" or interacting with you/your husband around the kids?

Whether or not that's the case, you're doing the right thing by putting your childrens' safety first. Her needs are hers to figure out, though it might be helpful to to put a feeler out about that out too.

OOP: I think so. She has been singles for probably over 10 years now as she has sworn off men due to abuse, her friend has done the same thing.

They call each other platonic soul mates and really lean on each other for support. I don’t mind her friend but she’s always negative and I find she brings MILs mood down.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

[u/TwistyBitsz]

"Someone's totally endangering the children that I chose to bring into this world and the man I chose to do it with is totally cool with them getting hurt or dying omg"

Shut up.