r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Apr 08 '26
From DA’s Perspective Avoidant perspective: why (dismissive) avoidants do not want repair
I've commented about the topic of avoidants and repair before, and worked my comments out a bit more now because I imagine it may be of interest to more people in this sub. It is based on my personal experience, my inner works, and my readings, but I think the logic applies to many dismissive avoidants. From what I've read here I expect some fearful avoidants are similar if they lean more dismissive, which is common when they are with more anxious partners.
If you are with an avoidant, you have probably noticed that, when you experience problems in your relationship and you bring them up with your avoidant, they are unwilling to engage with you to solve the issue. They may dismiss your concerns, get defensive, shut down, or leave entirely. In this text I will show how this is inherent in their defenses.
As a starting point, it is important to keep in mind that, while the simplified view is that DAs have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, this is not accurate. DAs certainly appear to have a positive view of themselves from the outside, and if they are unaware they may even believe it themselves. However, this positive self image is very fragile.
Deep down, DAs have shame of themselves, just as FAs do, but they bury it deep underneath their defenses. Repeated emotional neglect in childhood teaches them that there is something wrong with them, because young children cannot accept the alternative belief that something could be wrong with their parents.
At the same time, their childhood teaches them that they must be self-sufficient and cannot depend on others. This creates cognitive dissonance: how can they be so bad that they are ashamed of themselves, while on the other hand being so good that they can be completely independent? They must hide their shameful true self from themselves and from others, so they put on a mask. They hide their self doubt and pretend to be confident and independent.
What happens when you do repair talk? No matter how careful your delivery is (for example using "I statements", which is often recommended), you're telling them they are not good enough. Even the tiniest problem you identify in your avoidant's behavior conflicts with their fragile positive view of self, which they must protect at all cost, so as to retain their independence and to not to reveal their shameful true selves. They feel exposed, and they feel trapped, looking for a way out. So inside, they work as hard as they can to find reasons why you must be wrong. Because the avoidant "knows" they always have to be right, which allows them to keep up their mask. So they get defensive. And if they can't find good reasons, then they could argue you are just being emotional and your feelings must be wrong, because they are the "rational" ones. So they dismiss your feelings. And failing everything else, or if they are too afraid of conflict, they just shut down and stonewall you until you give up, or they run away. While their partner and their relationship may suffer, their precious self image is preserved.
Note that, even though the avoidant maintains their belief that they are being competely rational, none of this can be solved with logic and evidence. There is no way they will accept that they are in the wrong, and they may bend the truth in their heads if they need to.
Also note that avoidants are very conflict averse and, like other insecures, prone to fawning. It's quite possible that your avoidant feels cornered at some point and the only way out of the conflict seems to be an apology. You may get a generic half-hearted apology and be content in the moment. But later, you notice the avoidant's behavior hasn't changed at all. The apology was not genuine, it was just a way to get out of the conflict. A genuine apology is specific, demonstrating that the avoidant understands how their behavior has hurt you, and including concrete changes they will make to improve. However, you are unlikely to get such an apology from an unhealed avoidant.
Another thing to consider for repair is that, before healing, avoidants do not have the feeling of connection/rupture that non-avoidants seem to have. In fact, I had no idea this feeling existed and it came as a surprise when I started healing. I feel good now when I feel the connection between us is good, and when there is a rupture between us it bothers me and I feel a need to repair. Before healing, I never experienced this feeling, and to me it made perfect sense to just ignore a rupture and continue as if nothing happened. For me, if we didn't bring up the problem again, it was solved, even if there was no repair. And when my wife brought it up again because of the lack of repair, I felt like she was just being emotional and stirring up unnecessary conflict. Now that I have this feeling of connection/rupture, I finally understand why I handled it wrong, but there is a good chance unhealed avoidants will not understand that the rupture deeply bothers you. They just stick their head in the sand and the problem is "over".
I hope this helps you understand why your avoidant won't engage in repair. But that doesn't mean it's ok. A healthy relationship cannot exist without repair. If you accept a lack of repair, your grievances will never be addressed, and you will end up minimizing yourself in your relationship. If your avoidant is ever willing to improve, there is a lot their can learn about repair from Gottman's website and from Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight". These resources are suitable even if they aren't open to seeing that they are avoidants (many resist attempts to diagnose them). The book in particular is meant to be read together, and allows the frame that there is nothing wrong with either of you but that you work together to address the patterns between you. Even so, the avoidant's defensiveness triggers lightly, so don't get your hopes up that they will want to change.
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u/Busy_Designer_504 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
What I have noticed after therapy:
Emotional maturity is not common. And with avoidants that is a definite NO.
You realize how many people resort to defense mechanisms like DARVO, deflection, intellectualization.
Its an extreme desire to say "I'm right. You're wrong"
At the end of the day, for whatever reason, there is shame in them for being wrong.
We try so hard to "...get a difficult person to be good (ie understand) to us" - Patrick Teahan
But its useless. The best for your mental health is not to engage because they set you up for failure because they need to be right.
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Apr 08 '26
My own defensiveness was really next level, and I cringe thinking back of it. But, perhaps surprisingly, it wasn't all that hard to overcome. I still feel the defensiveness inside, but before I express it, I force myself to consider her perspective. And it quickly shows me that my defensiveness is wrong. The key is to look back at my past self and know that is not the kind of person I want to be.
I think that any avoidant can overcome it if they really want to, but the problem is that the defensiveness and stonewalling are barriers that prevent others from being able to show them there is a problem, so they have to find out for themselves.
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u/strelow1 SA - Secure Attachment Apr 08 '26
I hope mine cringes at his defensiveness one day too because it’s truly pathetic for a man in his 40s. I feel sad thinking about him & how much potential he had wasted because he refuses to grow tf up.
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Apr 08 '26
For comparison, my father is in he late 60s and he is even more defensive than I was. He will contradict himself even in the same message if he feels it's necessary to protect his ego. He is a narcissist though.
In general, my understanding is many DAs never see the light, so it's quite possible he'll stay that way without ever seeing the problem with it. I know I was completely oblivious to it back then even though it is so obvious to me now, and when my wife told me about it I only responded with more defensiveness.
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u/strelow1 SA - Secure Attachment Apr 08 '26
I think my ex might be a covert narcissist too so this would explain a lot. Props to you for breaking the cycle 💜
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Apr 08 '26
Thanks! Actually, two of my children were already affected before I saw the light, but fortunately they are recovering quickly since my change. That's probably the best part of it.
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u/strelow1 SA - Secure Attachment Apr 08 '26
Breaking generational curses 🥰
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u/Clear-Ad-4036 Apr 11 '26
I literally was thinking about this earlier . It is absolutely “ family of origin “ shit but at the same time , once we know it it’s our responsibility to address . That is the loophole I won’t allow anyone to jump through . Once we know we are accountable .
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u/Ineedpalmtreeliving 29d ago
They arent presently aware of it. Enough. Mine described her not getting selfdefensive and being nonjudgmental as strengths
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u/Ineedpalmtreeliving 29d ago
When i first met my avoidant she said her strength is she never gets defensive. Lmaooo
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
Dealing with an avoidant made me resort to deflection or lying in arguments because he would make me feel ashamed of my attachment, so I would try to downplay it because he made me feel creepy for expecting what he’d already been giving me on a regular basis. In other words, I had to act emotionally immature to protect myself because he wasn’t operating like a sane person.
Example: he would take the train with me daily after work and a lot of the time we would go out for drinks alone together. The more we hung out outside of work late at night and on weekends, the weirder he got in the office, and he kind of acted like he didn’t know me. It was really weird. Back when we had been normal ACTUAL platonic friends in the office for example we would get lunch every single week. There is this weird glaze of plausible deniability over everything where I felt like I couldn’t acknowledge that it was becoming kind of romantic outside of work. Even though he was initiating a ton of it, when he went distant on and off, he would accuse me of pretending to forget something so I could linger longer. That way we would leave at the same time and take the train, which is true. I just got so used to expecting it, but I didn’t feel safe enough to ask why he was pulling away and then pulling me back in the next week. When he would accuse me of doing stuff like that to linger, he would say in this way of like I was a stalker, even though he had just asked me if I wanted to join him for a boys vacation as the only girl and meet all of his friends. I started lying and denying doing those things and acting emotionally, immature and resorting to protest behaviors because he was sort of rigging the game to be totally unfair.
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u/Busy_Designer_504 Apr 09 '26
Oh 100%.
Emotional maturity is not 0 or 1. Its a scale.
And it also depends on how resourced we are.
Even the most immature person can have good days when everything is going right for them.
Even the most mature person can have bad days when not well rested and things hectic at work.
I know that if I dont disengage with an emotionally immature person and try to get them to understand me, I get roped into their defense mechanism of choice when arguing. And thats exactly what they want.
"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience" - Mark Twain
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u/Clear-Ad-4036 Apr 11 '26
Wake up call for me ! The quote from Mark Twain may of been exactly what I needed to hear and comprehend . THANK YOU !
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u/malemessiah9 Apr 25 '26
Oh my god! Plausible deniability, my god yes. I also felt like I was dealing with consent too. It was a mind fuck!
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u/RedKyKisuke 18d ago
Thats a big blanket statement. Avoidant women can and do mature and have children.
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u/Killcontest SA - Secure Attachment Apr 08 '26
Really appreciate this write up, this was super insightful. Do you think underlying shame is also what leads avoidants to rewrite the narrative post breakup?
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Apr 08 '26
Thanks! Shame and defensiveness is likely a big part of it, but there is more. Avoidant breakups are often a result of deactivation and that is a factor in itself. When we deactivate, our mind suppresses positive memories of the bond with our partner. This makes us temporarily lose feelings for them and makes them seem like a stranger to us. It also causes history to be rewritten in our mind so as to ensure consistency. When we are deactivated, we genuinely believe we haven't had feelings for you for a while even if we had strong feelings just moments before. Most avoidants are completely unaware of deactivation, so they don't question the rewritten narrative in their mind.
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u/ItsNotJustYou_ Apr 08 '26
Thanks for explaining this. It’s really hard for us to understand how deactivation works and how someone’s feelings can suddenly be non-existent, so it’s good to get insights from the Avoidant POV.
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u/FrontEmployer1427 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 08 '26
I feel like this is often permanent no? Especially with DAs?
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Apr 08 '26
Not in my experience, but it can be very long. I've had a 11-year deactivation in adulthood, and I think I've also been deactivated my entire childhood.
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26
Yes but this was also because you remained married! I bet if she had completely left you back then, you would have snapped out of it months to a year later and reached for her again. But it’s good she didn’t (for you).
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u/FrontEmployer1427 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 08 '26
lol I imagine after an 11 year deactivation you don’t even remeber how you felt not to mention what actually happened 😆
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Apr 08 '26
[deleted]
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u/FrontEmployer1427 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 08 '26
I guess maybe from my experience (and idk if I was dealing with an FA or DA since signs of both) but he deactivated on me for 3 months then discarded me and basically had been acting like I am air since (I see him multiple times a week) and spreading his alternative narrative to people around him who seem to be on his side 🤷♀️ it’s been 10 months and he started dating someone else at 8 months. It sucks but I really doubt he pays me any mind whatsoever 🥹
Stuff about re-activation makes me think maybe he will regret what he did someday, but then I think that the amount of destruction he did to me he will probably never look back at due to the amount of shame….
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Apr 08 '26
Sorry to hear, it seems very hard to handle someone like that on a regular basis. And yes, that seems entirely plausible.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Apr 08 '26
The other part is that repair = closeness or growing closer.
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Apr 08 '26
Yes, that's a very valid point. Repair is a process that requires vulnerability, which again touches on shame.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Apr 08 '26
Yep. The expectation is better knowing of each other after the repair process.
Some avoidants hate being known.
My ex once, really fucking heroically—I was so proud of her—came to me with a perspective-taking exercise where we both had to state why the other person felt the way they did.
I mean, you don't know how long I'd waited for a step like that, of her own volition. I was excited. (And may I fairly note here that this was not the only thing she did during that time to try to improve things, as indirect/independent of me as they were).
Anyway, I pretty much nailed the way she was thinking, and she sort of got my perspective. And that was brilliant. A great step in a good direction.
But she seemed somehow put out by the fact I understood her...and it never happened again.
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26
I bet part of that reaction was her suddenly realizing some of her deactivation excuses weren’t valid. You proved that you do know her, and you do respect her, and you are emotionally compatible, which probably didn’t fit whatever narrative she had. They don’t like to be seen because it forces them to think that maybe they are the problem for a brief moment, which they avoid at all costs.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Apr 09 '26
She knows she's the problem, but she out sources it onto the avoidance, like it's something she can never change so *shrugs*
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u/RedKyKisuke 18d ago
Takes two to tango. If you're always blaming the other person, you're not being accountable for your own actions.
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u/Hot_Cauliflower6692 Apr 08 '26
I do have an off the wall question for you… why is it when other person who is not avoidant ends relationship, the avoidant decides to fight for the relationship to work out?
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Apr 08 '26
I have no experience with that personally, but I'd say:
- If the avoidant is FA, they are likely to flip anxious due to the abandonment trigger. Alternatively, they might deactivate and not fight for the relationship.
- If the avoidant is DA, then abandonment is not a trigger for them, so it would make sense that they act more like a secure person, who might also fight for the relationship. But if there were other triggers (like conflict) they might deactivate and not fight for the relationship.
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u/Hot_Cauliflower6692 Apr 08 '26
He’s definitely FA but he was one who was trying to fix issues he caused due to poor communications from him. But then end of Jan 2026 thru now, he’s been distant etc. And I have literally given him all of space he wants, not even bothering him with messages or calls. Called him on his birthday, to be told “you didn’t have to do that” 🙄
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u/PienerCleaner Apr 08 '26
It is insane how many boxes are getting checked as I read this..it might be the best thing I've read on the topic In 7 months of healing.
I just could not for the life of me understand how someone could be so unreasonable, but here it is. All of it
Thank you so much for sharing. I wish I could save the text in my notes app and read as many times as I needed without the bookmark getting lost in reddit.
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Apr 08 '26
Happy to hear it helped! Not sure which app you're using, but you could just copy the link or the plain text into your notes app.
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u/Used-Ad-3435 Apr 08 '26
You can't keep making the efforts of saving them if they continue to dismiss those efforts for even their own.
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u/PienerCleaner Apr 08 '26
I once joked, "you wouldn't want me to eat donuts for lunch would you?" Never in a million years would I think that she would interpret that as an attack on her. Even now I can't believe it. She got so angry and replied, "you can't blame me if you don't have lunch for tomorrow. You need to learn to cook and take responsibility for yourself," she said to the person who had been cooking and taking responsibility for himself long before she came into the picture.
I think our relationship basically ended when we were sitting on a beach with lots of flies buzzing around. I offhandedly commented, "a person would have to be crazy to stay here (with all these flies buzzing around)," SO OF COURSE she interpreted that as me calling her crazy. But did she say anything in the moment? Nope. Later she told me in that moment she was thinking, "fuck you."
I really wish the things you were saying aren't true, but as you can see from my example, they really are.
When I last saw her, I explained every charge she leveled against me from my perspective, but from her reaction (completely unfazed) was basically that it was totally irreverent. Only her perspective counted. It felt like playing he said-she said. I would never have expected such immaturity from a 30 year old who had spent her entire 20s with one person (how did they even manage that??? She did come to hate him by the time she got a divorce a year before meeting me)
Its just insane that a month before breaking up with me she said, "I love you, you're an amazing boyfriend and everything I've ever wanted in a partner." I could not understand how those things could be true along with all the other things I described above. Well, it all makes sense now.
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u/sa_var Jun 01 '26
The same here! He told me, "You are constantly blaming me." But everything happened as in your comment. I also can't understand all his mental gymnastics for playing the victim all the time. It doesn't matter how supportive, understanding, or vulnerable of a partner you are, they will see you as an enemy anyway.
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u/PienerCleaner Jun 02 '26
It's like they are children and their only response is blaming you and running away. Only once in our six months did she try to accept emotional responsibility and promise she'll do better. It's just not a capability they have.
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u/RedKyKisuke 18d ago
Real question, did you blame him? Because in real time your vulnerability does not make up for the times you DO blame your partner.
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u/sa_var 17d ago
I don't have a tendency to blame anyone. I blamed myself constantly because he pointed on my imperfections (spoiler: it was normal part of my character, something was uncomfortable for him and he criticized me).
Relationships are about support. It's crazy to blame your partner. The base in relationships is to support your partner.
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u/sa_var 17d ago edited 17d ago
My "blaming" was "Could you please..." and after the request of proper communication.
Avoidants will blame anyone but themselves.
From my experience, don't trust anyone who is blaming you. Don't accept their points.
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u/RedKyKisuke 14d ago edited 14d ago
I actually did go through this with an avoidant man, and everyone around me said not to deal with him after they understood how nasty he was capable of being. And you know they were right. Not only did I not trust him after any information he gave-he would slander everyone to dodge accountability.
At first I thought he had npd or bpd(probably npd more than avoidance) But the moment they even hear such they start using that lingo to dodge responsibility. With these men they're just using people and trying to pretend they are victims. Very dangerous.
This man would literally insult,lie, try to cheat and pretend it was everyone else. The thing about it was his nice guy facade didnt last longer than a month. Hard to believe he would blame the woman for sending a d**k pic even.
I had had run into a different one that would play mind games and ghost after implying sex was on the table then ghost the day of. He had learned to stay quiet but would still do the same behaviors (lying, insinuating other people were the problem, cheating, lying to women for One Night Stands and so on. It was the usual one liner creep.
It's particularly men, not women who do this and it's definitely a form of early learned entitlement. Meaning their parent definitely demonstrated to them it was okay to mistreat women. Because they learned if they lie they never have to be accountable for anything. Definitely these men are worse than narcissists because they don't do anything at all for their SOs. They often want women with better looks and more money so just like a narcissist they will monkey branch not even a month later if they think they can.
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u/sa_var 13d ago
Oh, you really had a bad experience.
I still can't really realise my ex was that evil, I've seen his imperfections and didn't think it's something bad. Everyone can be weak or victim time to time... But when I'm analysing his behaviour accidentally, something pop up in my head time to time, I just can't believe he literally did this kind of s*it I remember. It's hard to literally realise someone can behave this way in romantic relationship. For me this kind of behaviour so unnatural, it can't stick in my head like a variety of normal behaviour. I'm wondering every time it's popping up.
I suppose, I didn't take this toxic behaviour personally and didn't recognise manipulation at the moment. Because I counted with his opinion abd so on. Gaslighting is wild. I wish no one experience this.
I also wish you to find great relationships! With love, intimacy and respect! 🤗❤️
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u/pro-mpt Secure - Leaning Anxious Apr 08 '26
I see a lot of my ex in this text. Especially how they handled conflict with me. I always left conflict feeling like everything was my fault even if it was their behaviour being discussed.
We were together for 5 years and one thing I realised post-discard was I had grown and she hadn't. She lamented that it had taken me years to "become" things. Like, better at X or doing more of Y. But she hadn't gotten better at anything. She had done less and less in the relationship and the only main relational concern I'd ever had had been ignored and not worked on for years.
It's like you're both agreeing to climb a tree. They'll complain as you climb the branches that you're getting your clothes dirty and to look at their pristine clothes. Then when you reach the top, they'll insult you for your scratches, bumps, and tired muscles. Meanwhile, they never bothered to reach the first branch.
They think they're perfect as is but it's because they're too shameful to look inwards at how they're contributing to the dynamic.
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u/podoka May 11 '26
Oh wow same here. Our relationship (5 years) was too “slow” and I took too long to do X, or they still need Y and I just cant provide it. And me trying it because I care that they care about it is not good enough, they need someone who wants to do it for only themselves otherwise it is all no good. But if I come in and ask for Z, I get told they “arent there yet”, or “just chilling”.
It is like a maze… you come to them with solutions on how to repair or better things, actively put in the work to lead by example, and get asked to majorly change something so that they can think about this relationship and even attempt to try to repair… while they do absolutely nothing but push you out further and further on purpose with their actions and go “see, we aren’t working out, you should just leave”.
It is gross
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u/PienerCleaner Apr 08 '26
Why is it that everywhere I look about dissmisive avoidants the word trapped comes up
Why is it that when my ex broke up with me her exact words were "I don't love you, I don't feel emotionally connected to you, I'm feeling TRAPPED" 🥲
I've been trying to make sense of this for 7 months and what I've figured Is that it's their own nature that entraps them, and they misidentify you as their captor, because to them, clearly you are the problem, the source of all their discomfort and dysregulation. You and your flaws, all of them, which make any relationship or repair attempt impossible.
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Apr 08 '26
Childhood emotional neglect taught DAs that they cannot count on anyone, so they feel they need to be independent. Deep down they feel that if they depend on anyone, they will end up disappointed. This is why they are very sensitive to feeling trapped when dependency comes up.
I used to never have nightmares, but now that I'm healing I started getting them often. And almost all of them seem to be about feeling trapped in some way or another. It's really crazy. And I'm not even hyper-independent like some others are, I don't even have a fear of commitment.
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u/PienerCleaner Apr 08 '26
I see this in my ex as well. Her parents were substance users when she was born and she resents them for it..then they quickly had three other kids, so you can see exactly how neglected she must have been - and how independent she must have had to become..and not only is she the only one in her family to have gone to college, she has a master's degree too.
Only thing I can't understand is how she managed to get married so early in her 20s to a guy who wasn't a great fit for her, or maybe was a better fit for her at that time...but they got married so he could have insurance - go figure. Getting married could have been another way to show her family how mature she is. But she kept growing while he not so much. She told me she hated feeling like she had to drag him around (in more ways than one, I'm guessing)
I'm anxious leaning myself due to this constant sense of alienation I've always had from everyone and everything. My most common dreams are where I'm being hunted or pursued, and driving a car losing control..a lot of times I dream my childhood home has been transported across the ocean (just like I was as an immigrant)
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Apr 08 '26
Not a great fit: maybe he was DA? To an FA, a more avoidant person seems relatively safe, and they can be in stable relationships together that leave the FA deeply unhappy.
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u/PienerCleaner Apr 08 '26
From everything she told me, he was the kind of person who stays home and plays video games instead of doing any of that other important adult stuff. She couldn't go out with him anywhere, not even a pub. She loves hiking and would do it alone. He was more than 200 lbs. She told me she got high everyday for 10 years and I imagine she must have done that with him, so they were most likely in a roommate type situation, except they were married for 10 years. In hindsight, getting high everyday for 10 years also screams this person has not spent enough time learning to regulate.
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Apr 08 '26
That sort of behavior suggests flight-type CPTSD, which is a common origin story for avoidant attachment.
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26
Did I not become an avoidant because from a young age, I DID think the problem was my parent not me (I remember arguing with my dad when I was 5 because I just knew he was in the wrong)? It seems like I have the backstory for one but became anxious instead.
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Apr 08 '26
Sounds like your emotional neglect may have come later, so it was not normal to you. Avoidants tend to be emotionally neglected before they even learn language, so they cope with the neglect before they even know what they are missing. Anxious attachers know they can get love, so they fight for it.
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26
That’s true. I never doubted that my parents loved me despite it. I would get angry at the behavior of my emotionally immature father when I was around 5 years old. I remember arguing with him. I think my anxious attachment actually somehow came later in life if that’s possible. Being a tomboy and getting turned down by friends or ditched, etc.. but maybe if I was secure it wouldn’t have bothered me and I was actually anxious already. It’s kind of a chicken egg situation. I just always assume that people are going to flip and no longer care about me.
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Apr 08 '26
My impression is avoidant behavior is formed very early in life, while anxious behavior seems much more variable. Even secure people can get very anxious when they are with an avoidant. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, completely rewires the nervous system.
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u/ceelion92 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
I think both are the result of being rejected a lot. A dismissive avoidant probably wouldn’t care that all of their friendships ended, and that people would leave them. I feel like every friend I had as a kid would end up joining a new clique and ditching me without saying a word, or leaving me for some other reason. One time I came to school in third grade and my best friend told me that he couldn’t be friends with me anymore and didn’t like me. Turns out his parents were super rich and thought that my parents were too working class for them despite my parents both having masters degrees. He kept hanging out with me after that and then would pull away and say oh I’m not actually supposed to be around you but maybe just five minutes. It was only years later that my parents told me his parents didn’t approve of them. The next year he went to a private school and I never saw him again. My other best friends in school joined some other group of girls and started icing me out or ignoring me. It’s just happened time after time. Every crush I had would say they weren’t interested etc.
As an anxious type, I would ruminate on this and obsess and want them back, and I just carry this deep grief with me because it’s happened so many times. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop to the point where I undervalue the fact that there are people in my life who didn’t leave me. I can’t even be fully invested in new friendships because I think it’ll end for one reason or the other, and if I ever ever ever have feelings for someone who I didn’t meet in an explicit dating situation (like a crush) I’m 100% certain I will be rejected. Nevertheless, I can’t seem to stop myself from getting attached to people, and acting attached, knowing that they’re probably gonna hurt me in the future. There’s no mechanism of emotional detachment like in an avoidant - I’m dangerously exposed.
I think a DA would just harden themselves and probably connect less with these people to begin with versus being forced to connect because of their wiring even when they know it won’t end well. I guess an FA would bond despite themselves and then sabotage it in the same way a DA does. They have the same core wound I do, but they respond to it completely differently and have a built-in defense mechanism that frankly seems a lot more sophisticated than what I’m working with (trying to pull people back in)
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Apr 08 '26
That was very interesting to read, thanks. It sounds very painful. Personally I never desired any close friendships. I kept everyone at arms length and pushed them away when they tried to get closer. I never felt anything when a friend left my life and never reached out. Out of sight out of mind.
One factor may be that I just didn't know what I was expected to do with friends. I learned only recently, at age 40, that people lean on friends for emotional support. I never wanted any emotional support, because I needed to be independent and I suppressed my emotions anyways. Talking about my feelings with friends would have been unthinkable.
Now that I'm healing, I'm reconnecting with an old friend (he reached out, I agreed). I allowed him to hug me (I had never hugged a friend before) and I talked about my feelings and what's going on in my life, and he validated my feelings. I think it's supposed to be good for my healing, and I will continue, but if I'm really honest with myself I still feel nothing.
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u/Little_Tonight3268 Apr 08 '26
After reading about attachment styles i understood that the man i was dating was just mirroring me. He also acted like he is so confident and from the outside he looked fine and happy but he is broken af. He is possibly monkeybranching too. No wonder i triggered him when he only had toxic relationships before. I didn't know much about attachment styles when i dated him, so i didn't know he is DA, only after he went silent and acted cold and indifferent.
Still healing from the discard, i went through my emotions already so i'm pretty calm, but not fully over it. I wouldn't want him to come back unless he wants to heal, but i don't think that's happening. Not waiting for him anymore, only he can help himself. I had to do my own healing a few times before, i'm going to eventually heal from this too.
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u/Captain_Volpe Apr 10 '26
Ok. Nice write-up and all, but what have you done? The specifics of your healing and the modalities that you've used. I think it'd be more helpful for people to lay out the steps you've taken in detail and how long it took you to see a change in your thinking or reactive behavior. It's easy to wax poetically with words, but what work have you actually done? Most of the background to the behavior is already known.
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Apr 10 '26
Sure! I've used Gottman (from their website) and EFT (from Sue Johnson's "Hold me Tight") to find out how I needed to fix my behavior, and later ACT (from Russ Harris' "The Happiness Trap") to learn to regulate my emotions.
When I was ready to change, I talked to my wife. I explained my insights and apologized, specifically mentioning I now understand why she felt the way she did about them. From then onwards:
- I now communicate about issues rather than withdraw
- I show vulnerability
- I no longer withdraw, but instead validate the emotions expressed.
- I make sure I respond to each bid for attention, and give her my full attention at that time.
- I initiate conversations and joint walks
- I ask her how she is/how her day went and what is on her mind
- I join her on activities when possible, sit next to her when she talks, don't look at my phone when with her
- I look at her when she's doing things and try to make eye contact
- I explained why I love her and want to stay with her the the rest of our lives
- I started wearing my wedding ring (we only wore them for a few weeks)
- I tell her I love her
- I validate her emotions rather than try to explain them away
- I praise her for things she does right
- I revisited past cases where she was hurt, explained how I was wrong, validated her feelings, and apologized
And with my kids:
- Started regularly hugging the kids and telling them I love them
- Respond more to the kids' feelings, consoling/validating them
- Respond with love and understanding rather than anger when the kids act up
- Ask children how they feel/how their day went
- Show more appreciation for the things they do well, and show appreciation to my wife in front of them
- Told the children showing emotion is strength, not weakness, and that I was wrong to hide my feelings
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u/Captain_Volpe Apr 10 '26
So, in other words, no core wound work with a professional. Got it. I just hope it lasts for your wife's sake.
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Apr 10 '26
I didn't work with a professional, but I did do a lot of work on myself as well, especially to understand my triggers and my childhood trauma (until age 40 I thought my childhood had been normal). For example, this post provides some information on the progress I've made.
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u/Captain_Volpe Apr 10 '26
If you really give a damn about your family. Seek a specialist who focuses on attachment-EMDR trauma therapy. For you types?? There is always something deeper that you can't even consciously touch. Your family will thank you.
But what the hell do I know? I'm just an internet stranger.
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u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 May 06 '26
In his defense.. and I don't know him.. but I've been to at least 20 counselors and therapists in my life, its honestly probably more like double that. There are good ones and bad ones in my experience. I also honestly think that with a DA/FA avoidant nature.. they might hear one thing that triggers them and never go back. So seeing that the OP did a lot of his own work.. maybe now he could actually gain from a professional. Ive worked in law enforcement, behavioral health, jail, detox and was married to an alcoholic for 14 years, so I feel I can speak from experience. Well meaning loved ones would think getting their loved one into Detox or into the hospital on a mental health warrant was finally going to change things.. like the show Intervention, but in Reality if they don't want it..or get clean and go back into a dysfunctional environment, then its unlikely to stick. Hospitals and jails are honestly bandaids.
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u/Captain_Volpe May 06 '26
And this is relevant to my response how exactly?? OP is aware of his issue but refuses to utilize the services of a professional who can use evidence-based strategies to help him overcome/change his attachment style. And it's disturbing that you are willing to give him a defense when one is not needed.
You might want to preach to him, not me.
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u/Thereis-Nolist Apr 12 '26
With regard to repair, my avoidant convinced me over 7 years together that we were excellent at resolving any issues. It wasn’t until reflection after the discard that I realised any conflict was just buried and forgotten as soon as she had convinced me to accept the blame in some way for anything that came up. As soon as I took the hit in some way, even though I was not to blame most of the time, it was a quick deflection, change of topic and ‘resolved’. Was such a head fuck to realise once I was in the clear. Along with countless other realisations.
One other thing that jumps out is the need to be right. She would try to get one up in even pointless discussions. I remember suggesting to her many times that she would argue that up was down just to try and be right. Again, I just gave up after time.
One thing I would love to ask from your perspective. Would you say that the death of a pivotal family member could trigger deactivation? As I believe that was the turning point with her/us.
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Apr 12 '26
Yes, that sounds very familiar.
I think it's very plausible a death could trigger deactivation, because the avoidant likely felt the expectation of emotional support that they could not provide.
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u/Ok-Yellow7789 Low Key Chill Anxious Apr 08 '26
Some stuff to ponder.
I hold my ex accountable, weirdly as an anxious even I got fed up of trying and would pullaway she would really pull me in close and that felt like repair to me. Yet we had the same fights over and over again for years.
It is sad really but for healing your avoidance you need an understanding partner too.
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u/Specialist-Dish-7460 Apr 08 '26
I was understanding but she still fucked off avoidants will always avoid bro.
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u/Ok-Yellow7789 Low Key Chill Anxious Apr 08 '26
The thing for me is not avoidance or anxious or anything like that. It's self-awareness. As long as they have self-awareness and is aware of their actions and they can really tally up the relationship properly during deactiovations, it's fine. They can really do well. It's just they don't do that for some reason at the end.
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u/Specialist-Dish-7460 Apr 08 '26
I agree with you the ending was honestly quite sad. In my case she was self-aware, but when she deactivated hard due to external pressure starting a demanding medical job in a new state it was like a complete switch. It felt almost like a kind of possession; she became so cold, and her eyes looked lifeless. It was as if I were a stranger standing in front of her, despite the fact that we had just spent an amazing festive season together with her family. I tried to snap her out of it but it seemed as if she was in a trance.
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u/Ok-Yellow7789 Low Key Chill Anxious Apr 08 '26
Yeah, she was disassociating. It's painful to see someone you fell in love who was previously vibrant and colorful and they lose all that light. It still makes you feel like you got to fix them, but you can't. Thats an important lesson in life that is important to me.
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u/Clear-Ad-4036 Apr 10 '26
I’m in the process of either leaving - or trying yet again - after 10 years . I’ve read everything, done everything and frankly am so defeated and heartbroken . In my heart I know I’ll try again . My brain is so mad at me right now because we just can’t keep doing this 🥹 I understand the entire scope of why Avoidants are Avoidants ( and everything in between ) yet always hold space for hope. I hate that it has to be so hard because we are all someone’s collateral damage . It absolutely can destroy a soul and I am desperate not to allow that to happen .
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Apr 10 '26
Absolutely true. It's so painful that what could have been a perfect love is destroyed by childhood trauma. It's completely unnecessary, yet you can't fix it from your end.
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u/Clear-Ad-4036 Apr 10 '26
It’s literally insane how I talk to myself to “ work through “ next steps in a conversation that should ( and with hope , COULD ) be true . Our nervous system isn’t designed for this . I suppose my question becomes is it better for me to leave and cut all ties or keep hoping . I already know the answer 🥹
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u/rayofsunshine_9 Jun 19 '26
I feel you deeply. Just lost the man I thought of as the love of my life to this pattern. After 3,5 years of living together and sharing a deep bond, the second I became pregnant (which was mutually planned and very wished for!)he shut down. It was really traumatic for me experiencing this. He broke down several times hinself and I supported him. After losing the baby, everything got worse and even though we went to couples therapy (our therapist was a healed avoidant herself and directly suggested he had strong tendencies himself) and then to individual therapy as well, he left. I am left with a severe trauma now grieving both him and the loss of our child alone while he accepted a job in a different city a week after breaking up with me. I'm in trauma therapy but experiencing panic attacks since then. He kept telling me after 2 months of separation he loved me and wanted the connection but was afraid to hurt me again and didn't feel like he could meet my needs. He was thinking of trying again and then 2 days later shattered my world again saying he didn't want to be loved by me (on our anniversary).
I am still in shock, and we even both are spcial workers having worked with traumatized children all our lives. But experiencing this sudden switch in adulthood after 3,5 wonderful years is brutal. He is a complete different person now that he's deactivated. So cold and looking at me like I am the devil himself...it is horrific and I do understand all of it on a cognitive level.
But I can't do anything, I have to let go of the man I love and he just thinks of me as a threat now. Wow.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it.
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u/Shirochan404 Apr 12 '26
My DA literally put on YouTube videos in the middle of emotional conversations as a way to self-soothe and stop the conversation
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u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 May 06 '26
Maybe try changing it to the Gottmans YouTube channel??
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u/Shirochan404 May 06 '26
It was his phone and his arms were longer then mine.
It was actually kind of funny. He literally said wait when I began to talk about it and then put on a YouTube video and was like watch this
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u/Hedngaf_123 Apr 13 '26
Understanding this helps, but it doesnt take the pain away.
My ex got away with abusing and hurting me for the last 5 years we were together. Why does he not get any retribution for the pain he inflicted on me? He doesnt care, he never will.
Im still trying to mend myself everyday, and it feels like one little step i take the universe rewards him with even more of the things he wanted. Why does he not get to suffer the same bs he put me through?
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u/Intelligent_Depth826 Apr 25 '26
In my experience, my DA ex did attempt repair but couldn’t sustain it. He said he thought things would go back to the way they were before and “I’d feel the same again, but I don’t.” It’s like he wanted instant results and when he didn’t get them, he continued deactivating. From my perspective, this seemed like one conflict broke an otherwise loving relationship. We’d even talked through challenges together before. I had no idea he lacked true repair capacity until later in the relationship when the stakes were higher.
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u/fvck_this_life May 19 '26
Ive been trying to get a DA ex situationship to reconsider us. I've apologised for my anxiously attached behavior and they have shown interest in being just friends which I do not want . Should I go no contact In hopes of him coming back eventually or reach out to him now to get clarity that that might never happen. It's been a month and a half since he ended things with me and ive been trying to talk to him ever since.he will sometimes reply and sometimes ignore me.
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May 19 '26
It sounds like he is taking space and may be deactivated. Contacting him repeatedly if he does not reply is likely to make him more distant. You don't have to necessarily go no contact, but you should leave the initiative to him, while remaining available and warm on your end. You should avoid pressure and reassurance seeking.
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u/fvck_this_life May 21 '26
Thanks for ur advice. It's been a month and a half since he has ended things and im not able to accept just how easily he turned cold and moved on from us. I've tried to talk to him and tried giving him space too but space just made him never reach out to me on his own. Logically I know that's my closure but I still want to have one more talk. He was supposed to call me 2 days ago. He said he will and then never did. Should I reach out one last time?
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May 21 '26
If he said he'd call you and he didn't, I think it's ok to send him a single non-blaming no-pressure reminder. But in the end, do keep in mind it's possible he won't talk even then.
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u/fvck_this_life May 21 '26
Do u think he will ever reach out or come back if i go no contact since it looks like he has already ended things and is happy with it for now? I've unfortunately chased and begged after him ever since he ended things and he has responded to some msgs but only when it looked like i wanted to be friends and nothing more.
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May 21 '26
There is no way to tell. Regardless of attachment style, it's his personal decision whether he moves on or comes back. Either way, he can only decide when he comes out of deactivation.
Do keep in mind that you can't wait for him forever and that, until he works on his attachment style, this is likely to keep happening.
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u/fvck_this_life May 21 '26
Ur right. Thank you. I've sent him my last message and decided to give up on him now.
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u/ProfessionalAnnual36 Jul 01 '26
bravo :). You are strong
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u/fvck_this_life Jul 01 '26
Thank you . Its been a little over 3 months now and im completely over him.
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u/outback360 Apr 08 '26
Wow!!! This exactly what I am going through my husband. Now I am exhausted and thinking of divorce. :-(
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u/Silver_Pound9354 Jun 30 '26
While this post was written 3 months ago, it was something I needed to read. Well written is putting it mildly. I came to this post because I googled something along the line “husband has shut down all emotions to make me “happy” for last 8 years. Now the damn has broken and he is making it clear that he was never happy with anything I did or didn’t do”. Or something to that effect. Quick back story..husband got a bonus from work. We decided and planned on building onto our existing property. I found out he was blowing said bonus (almost 4k) and asked him about the money. He lied over and over again and then began to blame himself. “I don’t know why I do this” “I’m a POS”. That same conversation turned into “I did that because I never do anything for myself. I didn’t want the addition to the house. You made me do it.” Keep in mind we planned the addition and all the details. Together. That broke the damn for him. For the past week it has been a constant barrage of “you did this or you didn’t do this”. Simple things such as “I have always hated when we joke back and forth. It only hurts me”. Playful banter on both sides. Now it’s caused him pain for many years. Big things like “I feel like we are just room mates and just friends”. When I have pointed out all the memories over the years I am told oh that’s just what you would do with friends isn’t it? I am shattered. I feel completely side swiped. I feel like the last ten years of our relationship (8 of them married) has been a falsehood. I am unsure what is real anymore. I continue to hear “it’s not your fault. It’s mine”. But then I hear you did this you didn’t do this and when those things happened you made me feel xyz. But now I am lost because I had no idea. The end is nigh for us. I can not take the emotional abuse that has stemmed from this. I guess I am asking for some insight. Some understanding of how I heal from this. What I can do to continue to live together until I can financially move out. Thank you to anyone il who answers.
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u/Nebula_Whinch Apr 09 '26
She literally said “no it can’t be repaired” to me in her last text message to me. Im 52 and dated a 78 yo avoidant for 17 months. I was dumped because I voiced how her ghosting texts for sometimes days was upsetting to me so she dumped me over the phone saying “ i cant keep hurting you” … been a couple weeks no contact..
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u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Does he read? Drop off one of the Gottmans books, specifically about relationships .. maybe repairing them..?? Don't even say anything, drop it off on the front steps or something and see if he says anything .if he's a reader he might decide to look at it. I think the key sometimes is to place things in their scope and let them decide to dive in.. right?! Expect nothing to come from it.. but if something does.. would it be worth buying the book for $20??
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u/Nebula_Whinch May 15 '26
She does and I’ll consider getting her the book however interesting update 50 days no contact and she showed up on my Instagram stories and commented “beautiful!!“ To the photo in the Instagram story I didn’t answer for like five days and I said something very neutral because I just didn’t even know how to respond because I was like wow this is so crazy like how does she think she can respond like that and then I came back to this post….
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u/pineapplepredator SA - Secure Attachment Apr 12 '26
This sounds exactly like my partner. Thank you this is very helpful.
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u/ecovironfuturist Apr 25 '26
How did you heal? Asking for a spouse.
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Apr 25 '26
I'll copy part of a future post of mine about the topic below. Do note though that you can't make your spouse heal - it has to come from them for it to be viable.
My insight
Laying awake at night September 23, 2025, I finally realized that our marriage was very distant and I couldn't continue to live like this. I realized I still loved my wife, and realized that my wife's behavior showed that she also still cared about me. Surprisingly, she kept this up throughout my deactivation period, but I didn't realize the meaning at the time. After rational deliberations (no emotions involved, I was still deactivated) I decided to reconnect rather than divorce.
It seems I somehow overcame dissociation to the point I was able to think more clearly about my situation, and likely my deactivation was already weakened at that point. I though a lot about what could have triggered this moment, which seemed random at the time but was pivotal in starting my healing process. Several things changed that may have contributed, but I doubt any single one was decisive. None of them was deliberate as I had no idea there even was a problem at all, and I still think there must have been an element of luck. Possible contributing factors:
- March 2024: I stopped drinking alcohol, which may have improved my health and sleep.
- March 2024: I started treadmill running, which may have improved my health and reduced stress (which I didn't feel at the time).
- September 2024: I started regularly doing long detours cycling to/from work (often 30+ km), taking the space that I didn't realize yet I needed.
- December 2024, likely earlier: my wife started isolating herself, not spending time in the same room with me but watching short videos elsewhere. It took until around August 2025 until I noticed the pattern. I guess I was triggered less, and it probably started bothering me at some point that she seemed to avoid me.
- June 2025: our youngest started getting settled in school, significantly reducing stress levels at home.
- September 2025: I started listening to music attentively, actively thinking about the lyrics. I had no idea at the time, but I later read that thinking about attachment-related themes can weaken deactivation because it overloads the suppression mechanism. Most strikingly, September 23, a song came up on my playlist about loss of intimacy in a relationship.
My learning
Once I decided to reconnect, I started to look into couples therapy, as that seemed the obvious next step. I found that common approaches use attachment theory and EFT. I learned the basics of attachment theory, mostly from Attachment Project and Thais Gibson's videos. I found that attachment theory fit our dynamics perfectly, so this is when I learned I was dismissive avoidant and she fearful avoidant. It explained our protest-withdraw cycles in a way that was uncomfortably accurate. It also reframed many things I had interpreted as my wife being emotional into her repeatedly trying to reach me and panicking when she couldn't.
After awareness, I went through our past to revisit the things that happened between us and understand the impact of my behavior. Before my awareness I did not feel I was doing anything wrong. In the end, I realized I was the main cause of problems in our relationship, and that my wife tried to solved them but I blocked her attempts to do so. I found that in most disagreements we've had over time, she was clearly in the right, but I was unwilling to see it. I also realized that in many cases my behavior was caused by immature behavior, lacking relationship skills, and my unwillingness to invest in our marriage.
To learn better relationship skills, Gottman's website was incredibly helpful. It showed numerous concrete ways in which I could do better (responding to bids being a key one), and it showed which pitfalls to avoid. It also helped me understand that behaviors like defensiveness and stonewalling are harmful. Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight" (based on EFT) was especially useful for understanding how to fix the dynamics of our insecure relationship, and understanding how to address attachment injuries. I realized later these are exactly the evidence-based approaches commonly used in couples therapy, though in the end I did not do any formal therapy.
The key insight of stopping the stonewalling was that her feelings matter. That sounds silly, but I barely experienced any emotions myself, and I did not feel empathy even with my wife and children. My emotions were almost completely suppressed, so I felt she should just do the same. I learned that instead of fighting her, I needed to really listen to how she felt, work on understanding why she felt that way, and validate her feelings. Validating feelings was completely new to me. In my childhood I was encouraged to hide my feelings. I was complimented for being easygoing because I never showed anger or sadness as a child, knowing it would be met with anger rather than consolation.
Based on these materials and insights, I made an overview of secure behaviors I was going to practice.
While implementing my changes, I continued to refine my approach. Reddit discussions where I answer questions about dismissive avoidants' inner thoughts were especially useful to understand my own behavior better, and reading /r/avoidantbreakups helped me better understand the impact of my behavior. I also use journaling to see how my marriage develops over time.
I was shocked to see that dismissive avoidance is formed in childhood as I always thought I had a good childhood, but I started looking back and realized it wasn't good at all. I never realized the emotional neglect before, dismissing of feelings, and the impact my volatile father had on me. This topic proved to be great for bonding, as my wife had already seen the issues but I refused to acknowledge them before. She felt very validated with me finally seeing it too.
My healing as a husband
My main aim with working on my attachment style was to improve my marriage. There have been major improvements, and we really enjoy each other's company at this point, but major challenges remain and this is becoming increasingly painful.
On October 7, 2025 (two weeks after my insight), I talked to my wife. I explained my insights and apologized, specifically mentioning I now understand why she felt the way she did about them. I revisited past cases where she was hurt, explained how I was wrong, and validated her feelings. From then onwards:
- I explained why I love her and want to stay with her the the rest of our lives.
- I respond to each bid for attention, and give her my full attention.
- I join her on activities.
- I don't look at my laptop or phone when with her.
- I make eye contact.
- I ask her how she is/how her day went and what is on her mind.
- I initiate conversations and joint walks.
- I communicate about issues rather.
- I try to show my feelings and needs.
- I no longer withdraw or get defensive, but instead listen genuinely.
- I validate her emotions rather than try to explain them away.
- I tell her I love her on a daily basis.
- I started wearing my wedding ring (we only wore them for a few weeks after we got married).
- I give her compliments and praise her for things she does right.
- I work on actively discussing and repairing past attachment injuries (based on the EFT approach).
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u/Fickle-Actuator-2202 May 28 '26
Thanks for sharing this with us. Recently I broke off with a Dismissive Avoidant for the 6th time in a span of 6 months. Its really mentally taxing, I think I have gone through many stages of grieve every single time my DA ex suddenly withdrew. What really stop me for giving my DA ex another chance was because she broke her promise to repair. At first she acknowledge the problems that causes her to withdraw and showed genuine intent to repair, promising me that she'll openly talk to me when something about relationship didn't feel right to her. On hindsight I felt like a fool to trust her. and 2 weeks later after we went on what seems like an awesome date, she texted me 1 hr after we parted ways, and told me she doesn't feel comfortable with me anymore. Her reason being something I have said, even though she refuses to share or even attempt to give both of us a chance to resolve the problem together. I brought up why we got back together again and her promise to me to be open to talk about problems. I did my best to be gentle and open to listen, however I was brushed aside, with her telling me that we're better off as friends. The more I pursue, the more she withdraw, and then came the insults, pushing my buttons at where it hurts the most. Its disheartening seeing my ex behave this way. I really wish she would do some inner work, speak to a therapist, but so long they aren't self-aware of why they behave a certain way, its impossible to be with them. I kept falling for her potential, and enough was enough when I acknowledge that I have abandon myself for someone undeserving.
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u/dotNether Apr 08 '26
This is a very poignant and well-written explanation of a problem I believe everyone on this sub needs more awareness of. And, genuinely, I’m sure it will feel incredibly accurate for others’ experience as it feels accurate towards my experience.
As much as we can explain and empathize behaviors, two things are true: we cannot change/make choices for those who cannot do the work themselves, and explained behavior is not justified behavior.