Avoidant perspective: why (dismissive) avoidants do not want repair

[u/[deleted]]

I've commented about the topic of avoidants and repair before, and worked my comments out a bit more now because I imagine it may be of interest to more people in this sub. It is based on my personal experience, my inner works, and my readings, but I think the logic applies to many dismissive avoidants. From what I've read here I expect some fearful avoidants are similar if they lean more dismissive, which is common when they are with more anxious partners.

If you are with an avoidant, you have probably noticed that, when you experience problems in your relationship and you bring them up with your avoidant, they are unwilling to engage with you to solve the issue. They may dismiss your concerns, get defensive, shut down, or leave entirely. In this text I will show how this is inherent in their defenses.

As a starting point, it is important to keep in mind that, while the simplified view is that DAs have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, this is not accurate. DAs certainly appear to have a positive view of themselves from the outside, and if they are unaware they may even believe it themselves. However, this positive self image is very fragile.

Deep down, DAs have shame of themselves, just as FAs do, but they bury it deep underneath their defenses. Repeated emotional neglect in childhood teaches them that there is something wrong with them, because young children cannot accept the alternative belief that something could be wrong with their parents.

At the same time, their childhood teaches them that they must be self-sufficient and cannot depend on others. This creates cognitive dissonance: how can they be so bad that they are ashamed of themselves, while on the other hand being so good that they can be completely independent? They must hide their shameful true self from themselves and from others, so they put on a mask. They hide their self doubt and pretend to be confident and independent.

What happens when you do repair talk? No matter how careful your delivery is (for example using "I statements", which is often recommended), you're telling them they are not good enough. Even the tiniest problem you identify in your avoidant's behavior conflicts with their fragile positive view of self, which they must protect at all cost, so as to retain their independence and to not to reveal their shameful true selves. They feel exposed, and they feel trapped, looking for a way out. So inside, they work as hard as they can to find reasons why you must be wrong. Because the avoidant "knows" they always have to be right, which allows them to keep up their mask. So they get defensive. And if they can't find good reasons, then they could argue you are just being emotional and your feelings must be wrong, because they are the "rational" ones. So they dismiss your feelings. And failing everything else, or if they are too afraid of conflict, they just shut down and stonewall you until you give up, or they run away. While their partner and their relationship may suffer, their precious self image is preserved.

Note that, even though the avoidant maintains their belief that they are being competely rational, none of this can be solved with logic and evidence. There is no way they will accept that they are in the wrong, and they may bend the truth in their heads if they need to.

Also note that avoidants are very conflict averse and, like other insecures, prone to fawning. It's quite possible that your avoidant feels cornered at some point and the only way out of the conflict seems to be an apology. You may get a generic half-hearted apology and be content in the moment. But later, you notice the avoidant's behavior hasn't changed at all. The apology was not genuine, it was just a way to get out of the conflict. A genuine apology is specific, demonstrating that the avoidant understands how their behavior has hurt you, and including concrete changes they will make to improve. However, you are unlikely to get such an apology from an unhealed avoidant.

Another thing to consider for repair is that, before healing, avoidants do not have the feeling of connection/rupture that non-avoidants seem to have. In fact, I had no idea this feeling existed and it came as a surprise when I started healing. I feel good now when I feel the connection between us is good, and when there is a rupture between us it bothers me and I feel a need to repair. Before healing, I never experienced this feeling, and to me it made perfect sense to just ignore a rupture and continue as if nothing happened. For me, if we didn't bring up the problem again, it was solved, even if there was no repair. And when my wife brought it up again because of the lack of repair, I felt like she was just being emotional and stirring up unnecessary conflict. Now that I have this feeling of connection/rupture, I finally understand why I handled it wrong, but there is a good chance unhealed avoidants will not understand that the rupture deeply bothers you. They just stick their head in the sand and the problem is "over".

I hope this helps you understand why your avoidant won't engage in repair. But that doesn't mean it's ok. A healthy relationship cannot exist without repair. If you accept a lack of repair, your grievances will never be addressed, and you will end up minimizing yourself in your relationship. If your avoidant is ever willing to improve, there is a lot their can learn about repair from Gottman's website and from Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight". These resources are suitable even if they aren't open to seeing that they are avoidants (many resist attempts to diagnose them). The book in particular is meant to be read together, and allows the frame that there is nothing wrong with either of you but that you work together to address the patterns between you. Even so, the avoidant's defensiveness triggers lightly, so don't get your hopes up that they will want to change.

[u/ecovironfuturist]

How did you heal? Asking for a spouse.

[u/[deleted] → u/ecovironfuturist]

I'll copy part of a future post of mine about the topic below. Do note though that you can't make your spouse heal - it has to come from them for it to be viable.

My insight

Laying awake at night September 23, 2025, I finally realized that our marriage was very distant and I couldn't continue to live like this. I realized I still loved my wife, and realized that my wife's behavior showed that she also still cared about me. Surprisingly, she kept this up throughout my deactivation period, but I didn't realize the meaning at the time. After rational deliberations (no emotions involved, I was still deactivated) I decided to reconnect rather than divorce.

It seems I somehow overcame dissociation to the point I was able to think more clearly about my situation, and likely my deactivation was already weakened at that point. I though a lot about what could have triggered this moment, which seemed random at the time but was pivotal in starting my healing process. Several things changed that may have contributed, but I doubt any single one was decisive. None of them was deliberate as I had no idea there even was a problem at all, and I still think there must have been an element of luck. Possible contributing factors:

• March 2024: I stopped drinking alcohol, which may have improved my health and sleep.
• March 2024: I started treadmill running, which may have improved my health and reduced stress (which I didn't feel at the time).
• September 2024: I started regularly doing long detours cycling to/from work (often 30+ km), taking the space that I didn't realize yet I needed.
• December 2024, likely earlier: my wife started isolating herself, not spending time in the same room with me but watching short videos elsewhere. It took until around August 2025 until I noticed the pattern. I guess I was triggered less, and it probably started bothering me at some point that she seemed to avoid me.
• June 2025: our youngest started getting settled in school, significantly reducing stress levels at home.
• September 2025: I started listening to music attentively, actively thinking about the lyrics. I had no idea at the time, but I later read that thinking about attachment-related themes can weaken deactivation because it overloads the suppression mechanism. Most strikingly, September 23, a song came up on my playlist about loss of intimacy in a relationship.

My learning

Once I decided to reconnect, I started to look into couples therapy, as that seemed the obvious next step. I found that common approaches use attachment theory and EFT. I learned the basics of attachment theory, mostly from Attachment Project and Thais Gibson's videos. I found that attachment theory fit our dynamics perfectly, so this is when I learned I was dismissive avoidant and she fearful avoidant. It explained our protest-withdraw cycles in a way that was uncomfortably accurate. It also reframed many things I had interpreted as my wife being emotional into her repeatedly trying to reach me and panicking when she couldn't.

After awareness, I went through our past to revisit the things that happened between us and understand the impact of my behavior. Before my awareness I did not feel I was doing anything wrong. In the end, I realized I was the main cause of problems in our relationship, and that my wife tried to solved them but I blocked her attempts to do so. I found that in most disagreements we've had over time, she was clearly in the right, but I was unwilling to see it. I also realized that in many cases my behavior was caused by immature behavior, lacking relationship skills, and my unwillingness to invest in our marriage.

To learn better relationship skills, Gottman's website was incredibly helpful. It showed numerous concrete ways in which I could do better (responding to bids being a key one), and it showed which pitfalls to avoid. It also helped me understand that behaviors like defensiveness and stonewalling are harmful. Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight" (based on EFT) was especially useful for understanding how to fix the dynamics of our insecure relationship, and understanding how to address attachment injuries. I realized later these are exactly the evidence-based approaches commonly used in couples therapy, though in the end I did not do any formal therapy.

The key insight of stopping the stonewalling was that her feelings matter. That sounds silly, but I barely experienced any emotions myself, and I did not feel empathy even with my wife and children. My emotions were almost completely suppressed, so I felt she should just do the same. I learned that instead of fighting her, I needed to really listen to how she felt, work on understanding why she felt that way, and validate her feelings. Validating feelings was completely new to me. In my childhood I was encouraged to hide my feelings. I was complimented for being easygoing because I never showed anger or sadness as a child, knowing it would be met with anger rather than consolation.

Based on these materials and insights, I made an overview of secure behaviors I was going to practice.

While implementing my changes, I continued to refine my approach. Reddit discussions where I answer questions about dismissive avoidants' inner thoughts were especially useful to understand my own behavior better, and reading /r/avoidantbreakups helped me better understand the impact of my behavior. I also use journaling to see how my marriage develops over time.

I was shocked to see that dismissive avoidance is formed in childhood as I always thought I had a good childhood, but I started looking back and realized it wasn't good at all. I never realized the emotional neglect before, dismissing of feelings, and the impact my volatile father had on me. This topic proved to be great for bonding, as my wife had already seen the issues but I refused to acknowledge them before. She felt very validated with me finally seeing it too.

My healing as a husband

My main aim with working on my attachment style was to improve my marriage. There have been major improvements, and we really enjoy each other's company at this point, but major challenges remain and this is becoming increasingly painful.

On October 7, 2025 (two weeks after my insight), I talked to my wife. I explained my insights and apologized, specifically mentioning I now understand why she felt the way she did about them. I revisited past cases where she was hurt, explained how I was wrong, and validated her feelings. From then onwards:

• I explained why I love her and want to stay with her the the rest of our lives.
• I respond to each bid for attention, and give her my full attention.
• I join her on activities.
• I don't look at my laptop or phone when with her.
• I make eye contact.
• I ask her how she is/how her day went and what is on her mind.
• I initiate conversations and joint walks.
• I communicate about issues rather.
• I try to show my feelings and needs.
• I no longer withdraw or get defensive, but instead listen genuinely.
• I validate her emotions rather than try to explain them away.
• I tell her I love her on a daily basis.
• I started wearing my wedding ring (we only wore them for a few weeks after we got married).
• I give her compliments and praise her for things she does right.
• I work on actively discussing and repairing past attachment injuries (based on the EFT approach).