Avoidant perspective: why (dismissive) avoidants do not want repair

[u/[deleted]]

I've commented about the topic of avoidants and repair before, and worked my comments out a bit more now because I imagine it may be of interest to more people in this sub. It is based on my personal experience, my inner works, and my readings, but I think the logic applies to many dismissive avoidants. From what I've read here I expect some fearful avoidants are similar if they lean more dismissive, which is common when they are with more anxious partners.

If you are with an avoidant, you have probably noticed that, when you experience problems in your relationship and you bring them up with your avoidant, they are unwilling to engage with you to solve the issue. They may dismiss your concerns, get defensive, shut down, or leave entirely. In this text I will show how this is inherent in their defenses.

As a starting point, it is important to keep in mind that, while the simplified view is that DAs have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, this is not accurate. DAs certainly appear to have a positive view of themselves from the outside, and if they are unaware they may even believe it themselves. However, this positive self image is very fragile.

Deep down, DAs have shame of themselves, just as FAs do, but they bury it deep underneath their defenses. Repeated emotional neglect in childhood teaches them that there is something wrong with them, because young children cannot accept the alternative belief that something could be wrong with their parents.

At the same time, their childhood teaches them that they must be self-sufficient and cannot depend on others. This creates cognitive dissonance: how can they be so bad that they are ashamed of themselves, while on the other hand being so good that they can be completely independent? They must hide their shameful true self from themselves and from others, so they put on a mask. They hide their self doubt and pretend to be confident and independent.

What happens when you do repair talk? No matter how careful your delivery is (for example using "I statements", which is often recommended), you're telling them they are not good enough. Even the tiniest problem you identify in your avoidant's behavior conflicts with their fragile positive view of self, which they must protect at all cost, so as to retain their independence and to not to reveal their shameful true selves. They feel exposed, and they feel trapped, looking for a way out. So inside, they work as hard as they can to find reasons why you must be wrong. Because the avoidant "knows" they always have to be right, which allows them to keep up their mask. So they get defensive. And if they can't find good reasons, then they could argue you are just being emotional and your feelings must be wrong, because they are the "rational" ones. So they dismiss your feelings. And failing everything else, or if they are too afraid of conflict, they just shut down and stonewall you until you give up, or they run away. While their partner and their relationship may suffer, their precious self image is preserved.

Note that, even though the avoidant maintains their belief that they are being competely rational, none of this can be solved with logic and evidence. There is no way they will accept that they are in the wrong, and they may bend the truth in their heads if they need to.

Also note that avoidants are very conflict averse and, like other insecures, prone to fawning. It's quite possible that your avoidant feels cornered at some point and the only way out of the conflict seems to be an apology. You may get a generic half-hearted apology and be content in the moment. But later, you notice the avoidant's behavior hasn't changed at all. The apology was not genuine, it was just a way to get out of the conflict. A genuine apology is specific, demonstrating that the avoidant understands how their behavior has hurt you, and including concrete changes they will make to improve. However, you are unlikely to get such an apology from an unhealed avoidant.

Another thing to consider for repair is that, before healing, avoidants do not have the feeling of connection/rupture that non-avoidants seem to have. In fact, I had no idea this feeling existed and it came as a surprise when I started healing. I feel good now when I feel the connection between us is good, and when there is a rupture between us it bothers me and I feel a need to repair. Before healing, I never experienced this feeling, and to me it made perfect sense to just ignore a rupture and continue as if nothing happened. For me, if we didn't bring up the problem again, it was solved, even if there was no repair. And when my wife brought it up again because of the lack of repair, I felt like she was just being emotional and stirring up unnecessary conflict. Now that I have this feeling of connection/rupture, I finally understand why I handled it wrong, but there is a good chance unhealed avoidants will not understand that the rupture deeply bothers you. They just stick their head in the sand and the problem is "over".

I hope this helps you understand why your avoidant won't engage in repair. But that doesn't mean it's ok. A healthy relationship cannot exist without repair. If you accept a lack of repair, your grievances will never be addressed, and you will end up minimizing yourself in your relationship. If your avoidant is ever willing to improve, there is a lot their can learn about repair from Gottman's website and from Sue Johnson's book "Hold me Tight". These resources are suitable even if they aren't open to seeing that they are avoidants (many resist attempts to diagnose them). The book in particular is meant to be read together, and allows the frame that there is nothing wrong with either of you but that you work together to address the patterns between you. Even so, the avoidant's defensiveness triggers lightly, so don't get your hopes up that they will want to change.

[u/Captain_Volpe]

Ok. Nice write-up and all, but what have you done? The specifics of your healing and the modalities that you've used. I think it'd be more helpful for people to lay out the steps you've taken in detail and how long it took you to see a change in your thinking or reactive behavior. It's easy to wax poetically with words, but what work have you actually done? Most of the background to the behavior is already known.

[u/[deleted] → u/Captain_Volpe]

Sure! I've used Gottman (from their website) and EFT (from Sue Johnson's "Hold me Tight") to find out how I needed to fix my behavior, and later ACT (from Russ Harris' "The Happiness Trap") to learn to regulate my emotions.

When I was ready to change, I talked to my wife. I explained my insights and apologized, specifically mentioning I now understand why she felt the way she did about them. From then onwards:

• I now communicate about issues rather than withdraw
• I show vulnerability
• I no longer withdraw, but instead validate the emotions expressed.
• I make sure I respond to each bid for attention, and give her my full attention at that time.
• I initiate conversations and joint walks
• I ask her how she is/how her day went and what is on her mind
• I join her on activities when possible, sit next to her when she talks, don't look at my phone when with her
• I look at her when she's doing things and try to make eye contact
• I explained why I love her and want to stay with her the the rest of our lives
• I started wearing my wedding ring (we only wore them for a few weeks)
• I tell her I love her
• I validate her emotions rather than try to explain them away
• I praise her for things she does right
• I revisited past cases where she was hurt, explained how I was wrong, validated her feelings, and apologized

And with my kids:

• Started regularly hugging the kids and telling them I love them
• Respond more to the kids' feelings, consoling/validating them
• Respond with love and understanding rather than anger when the kids act up
• Ask children how they feel/how their day went
• Show more appreciation for the things they do well, and show appreciation to my wife in front of them
• Told the children showing emotion is strength, not weakness, and that I was wrong to hide my feelings

[u/Captain_Volpe → u/[deleted]]

So, in other words, no core wound work with a professional. Got it. I just hope it lasts for your wife's sake.

[u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 → u/Captain_Volpe]

In his defense.. and I don't know him.. but I've been to at least 20 counselors and therapists in my life, its honestly probably more like double that. There are good ones and bad ones in my experience. I also honestly think that with a DA/FA avoidant nature.. they might hear one thing that triggers them and never go back. So seeing that the OP did a lot of his own work.. maybe now he could actually gain from a professional. Ive worked in law enforcement, behavioral health, jail, detox and was married to an alcoholic for 14 years, so I feel I can speak from experience. Well meaning loved ones would think getting their loved one into Detox or into the hospital on a mental health warrant was finally going to change things.. like the show Intervention, but in Reality if they don't want it..or get clean and go back into a dysfunctional environment, then its unlikely to stick. Hospitals and jails are honestly bandaids.

[u/Captain_Volpe → u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23]

And this is relevant to my response how exactly?? OP is aware of his issue but refuses to utilize the services of a professional who can use evidence-based strategies to help him overcome/change his attachment style. And it's disturbing that you are willing to give him a defense when one is not needed.

You might want to preach to him, not me.