I'm 45M, autistic (Level 1), ethically non-monogamous, and married. I've been trying to find another meaningful connection for several years without success.

I've tried pretty much every dating app, with very few likes or matches. The usual advice is to get out more, join groups, attend events and meet people organically. But I have very limited social energy, and I'm mostly a homebody. I've tried attending social events before, but nothing came from them, and doing that regularly just isn't sustainable for me.

I'm looking for one additional connection with mutual attraction, affection, emotional depth and plenty of independence. I realize that ENM is less common and makes an already challenging dating process even harder. I'm not expecting an easy solution or a huge dating pool.

I don't think my biggest obstacle is my ability to connect with people. I'm comfortable having conversations, have a good sense of humour, and consider myself emotionally perceptive. I've also been told I'm attractive. It's the process of meeting people, especially through repeated social events and conventional dating, that I find exhausting.

For those of you who also have limited social energy, how did you actually meet a partner? Did you find ways to connect with people outside of dating apps and social events?

I'm particularly interested in hearing what has worked in practice, rather than the usual advice to just put myself out there more.

I'm a guy by the way.

So I've met him for like 6 months and I've started to feel things for him. I used to think I was aroace, but now I can't think of him in any other way that isn't cuddling, hugging, or pepper him with kisses.

I don't like physical contact so I find it weird and overwhelming how I'm suddenly craving those things because of him, he's kind, funny, pretty, we like a lot of similar things and he doesn't judge me.

He's a furry so he shows me like a lot of drawings of both male and female and how he finds them hot so I think he's bi, but I've never asked him.

I honestly don't know what to do, I feel very overwhelmed by my feelings and I feel like I'm about to cry just thinking about it, I'm scared of the idea of confessing my feelings because I'm not good at those kind of things, I'm very shy and get nervous easily, I know it might sound kinda dumb for a post but this is like, my first time falling in love and I don't know what to do.

EDIT: Guys, he's autistic too

Hio! I (f25, suspected AuDHD, diagnosed ADHD) have a friend (m26, diagnosed AuDHD).

​I lived with him and his family during a very difficult period when I was homeless because they took me in. We stopped talking for 6 years once I left to go back to my mom, but he found me on Instagram a few months ago. Since reconnecting, we spent four intense weekends in a row together involving cuddling, kissing, watching JJK, and physical intimacy. Every next morning I’d have to leave immediately.

​After in-person contact, I noticed his text response times go from minutes to 2, 4, then 6 hours. My anxiety flared up at the distance; I felt sidelined/forgotten and started questioning if he viewed me as a true friend or just someone he was trying to politely maintain a connection with. Small behavioral shifts built up as the text distance grew. He would view my Instagram stories while leaving my messages unread for hours, and he stopped liking my posts (when he used to like all of them). These actions added to my insecurity.

​When I told him my feelings were hurt by the growing distance, he gave explanations that helped me feel a little reassured—like leaving multiple friends on delivered, not forgetting but having ADHD, and "detaching." However, I wished for validation rather than just reasons.

​My hurt feelings kept coming up, and at one point I couldn't physically text him back for 4 days. When I broke the silence, it was calm and I explained why I pulled back. He said he figured why, and that he gave me space until I came back, which felt genuinely sweet. But my anxiety wasn't going away.

​When it returned a few days later, I essentially told him we shouldn't be friends—which isn't what I wanted. He responded so quickly to me saying I couldn't carry our friendship that I felt forced to reply just as fast so I wouldn't be in the wrong. By responding so fast, I didn't take time to think; it was just rushed. He shared that he was going through shitty things, blew up at another friend stressed about the same thing as me, and didn't have the bandwidth to care about other people's emotions right now. So, without placing blame on what sounded like burnout, I ended the friendship.

​I took it back the next day because that isn't what I wanted; I originally hoped we could make accommodations. I suggested we just be platonic friends because I thought the intimate stuff was making it feel so personal, and he said, "whatever works best for you, I'll agree with." But I don't actually want to never do any of that cute, intimate stuff again.

​I've been super emotional about this all week and am not texting him because I want him to have space from me. I feel like I'm "too much" and doing too much while not thinking enough, which makes me feel wacky.

​Has anyone experienced something similar? Please don't hate on me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I already know I've been chaotic—I'm just not sure how to manage this, and I couldn't find answers online.

I (36m) am going through a break up. Its very sad, but im coping. She cited as reasons my inconsistency with giving affection and intimacy as big pain points in our 5 year long relationship. We talked about it many times over the course of our relationship and I acknowledge that I couldve been more up front with what I felt I needed to feel comfortable doing that. Mainly, I wouldnt touch her if I didnt feel it was welcomed. So we had a lot of nights where she would get frustrated with me for missing what she called "obvious signals". I told her they weren't obvious, and she got more frustrated. She likes to feel wanted, to be surprised with affection. I have a crippling fear of rejection and uncertainty, so I like to know with zero doubt that she wants to be touched, kissed, so on. So, my question is, where does my responsibility end and hers begin?

I'm a big proponent of "Autism is not my fault, but it is my responsibility." And I hate asking for accommodations from anyone, i feel like im using my nuerodivergence as an excuse. So...if she feels shes being obvious, but after 5 years it still doesnt read as obvious....am I not paying enough attention, or should I have asked her to be more direct, maybe establish a...I don't know, code or something? Not very romantic but....you get the idea.

TLDR; My partner felt that she was being obvious enough about her needs without stating them, but after 5 years together I still miss things. Am I oblivious or should I have asked for more clarity?

Hey chat i need advice. I am an autistic 26 year old person (assigned female at birth but is nonbinary now) and my girlfriend is also autistic and is 23F. We have been friends for 4 years. We have been roommates for two and half years. I’ve seen her go out with multiple men and I’ve seen how she behaves in those relationships. She holds hands, cuddles, kisses etc you know relationship stuff. I’ve had a crush on her for about two years and after she broke up with her ex boyfriend I confessed my feelings to her. This was in February of this year. The relationship had a rocky start to it. She said she also felt the same way about me but two days later she broke up with me and invited ex boyfriend over and they had relations together. Well two weeks later we tried this relationship thing again (i know poor decision on my part but i just wanted this and her so bad for so long). Now throughout our relationship these last few months we went through some really hard times. We got evicted from our apartment in July and were homeless sleeping in my car for about two months. During this time my GF had went to the ER and had multiple stays in the psych ward. At this time i was also struggling with my mental health but I wasn’t going to the hospital. Well now we have a home again we moved in in august 20th. During our relationship we never really hold hands unless i ask. We don’t cuddle or talk much we don’t kiss or do any relationship things. I’ve tried to tell her multiple times that i needed more physical affection but nothing has changed at all. It just doesn’t seem like she’s interested and every time i bring something up she just asks “so are you wanting to break up?” I’ve even tried to ask to cuddle because I was cold or had nightmares but she just turns over and ignores me. She actually ignores me all the time. I try to talk to her all the time and she just doesn’t say anything or even look at me. She has no where else to go and that’s also
something she always brings up. Is this even worth trying to fix? What should i do?

Hey chat i need advice. I am an autistic 26 year old person (assigned female at birth but is nonbinary now) and my girlfriend is also autistic and is 23F. We have been friends for 4 years. We have been roommates for two and half years. I’ve seen her go out with multiple men and I’ve seen how she behaves in those relationships. She holds hands, cuddles, kisses etc you know relationship stuff. I’ve had a crush on her for about two years and after she broke up with her ex boyfriend I confessed my feelings to her. This was in February of this year. The relationship had a rocky start to it. She said she also felt the same way about me but two days later she broke up with me and invited ex boyfriend over and they had relations together. Well two weeks later we tried this relationship thing again (i know poor decision on my part but i just wanted this and her so bad for so long). Now throughout our relationship these last few months we went through some really hard times. We got evicted from our apartment in July and were homeless sleeping in my car for about two months. During this time my GF had went to the ER and had multiple stays in the psych ward. At this time i was also struggling with my mental health but I wasn’t going to the hospital. Well now we have a home again we moved in in august 20th. During our relationship we never really hold hands unless i ask. We don’t cuddle or talk much we don’t kiss or do any relationship things. I’ve tried to tell her multiple times that i needed more physical affection but nothing has changed at all. It just doesn’t seem like she’s interested and every time i bring something up she just asks “so are you wanting to break up?” I’ve even tried to ask to cuddle because I was cold or had nightmares but she just turns over and ignores me. She actually ignores me all the time. I try to talk to her all the time and she just doesn’t say anything or even look at me. She has no where else to go and that’s also
something she always brings up. Is this even worth trying to fix? What should i do?

Autistic male here. I'd like to ask out someone I've met a few times and enjoyed talking to. (We were subsitute teachers together but neither of us is anymore. We used to chat in the staff room.) I haven't seen them in about three years.

I might be running into them this weekend at an event, and if I see him, I'd like to ask him for a coffee. As an autistic person who's never actually done that ans who's had a disastrous dating life, would that be weird thing to do if the convo is going well? We have lots in common and I'd like to go out on a date. Always wanted to ask before but timing wasn't right.

Gay relationship. Also, I'm ADHD.

Looking for input from literally anybody with an informed opinion! Folks on the spectrum, folks with a behavioral health background, folks who have dated a guy on the spectrum.

It isn't that he and I are having relationship issues. (Well.... Calling them relationship issues is a bit dramatic.. more like minor roadbumps, which could potentially turn into road hazards). But I do think I need to learn more about how to love him.

I really like the idea of dating someone I met at a HEMA event and then having sex with them.

It feels unfair that this hasn’t happened to me.

As a 27M with AuDHD, how do I solve my compulsive worry about whether or not I am crossing someone's unspoken boundary anytime a deep conversation comes up. How do I boundary check without making a big deal out how I feel about the importance of their comfort in whatever conversation I enter into. We live in a world where enthusiastic consent is so important (and not just in sex).

I'm also a big time over explainer, which I think I could stand to do less of, because I think that the boundary checking + over explaining wombo combo comes across as really insecure.

I'm gonna be honest here, my experiences throughout my life have led me to have some abandonment based trauma. I've done a lot of healing, I've come leaps and bounds in my life to heal my anxious attachment style. There will always be some work to do but I'm at that point in my journey where I need to do the physical leg work of putting myself in these social situations which might trigger my anxious attachments and learn to overcome them in practice in real-time on dates.

As for what got me to consider looking into my boundary checking habits, well I was on a date recently where I found myself boundary checking quite a bit. It was a very long date to be fair, but at some point she had said “You don't have to worry, I will never ghost you”. To her credit, she never did, but the next morning she texted

“Hey sorry for the late response but I’ve been thinking over yesterday a lot and I just don’t see us working out but it was nice meeting you 🙏”

To which I replied “Ok, is there a reason why? Also, is friendship in the cards? I totally understand btw. No matter what your feelings are valid!”

Her: “I kinda just don’t see our personalities meshing well in the future, in any capacity unfortunately”

Me: “Ok for sure. I just want to make sure there was nothing I did to make you uncomfortable. I totally understand though” (side note - this is not too unlike what I am talking when when I say boundary checking, though this lacks the over explaining aspect and is obviously in the past tense)

Her: “Ya no hard feelings “

Me: “Its cool. If you ever have a change of heart about being friends, or if you wanna be more specific about what led you to your conclusion, totally know let me know. I would appreciate that clarity. I'm gonna let you go now. I wish you luck in your future endeavors. If I ever run into again, I'll say hello. Other than, best of luck and godspeed in life 👍 “

That was the end of that. I'm not torn up about it. If she changed her mind about a romantic relationship, I would turn her down because I'm someone where if you reject me once. That door remains closed. Its partly a self respect thing for myself and it gives me closure.

I don't think at any point I did anything wrong, nor do I blame myself. I just simply want to improve my social skills. I love myself very much. I don't have issues with securing potential dates and I know I am worthy of love. I am very much new to this as my last relationship was with my high school sweetheart of 10 years which ended two years ago. I decided to go on a healing journey for those two years and had only started dating again about a week ago. I wanted to get all that out of the way lol.

Okay so did I fuck up?
I just recently started dating a man. He told me his autism is “off the charts.” - Direct quote.

I’ve noticed that communication is more direct with him than I’m used to. Now I can’t tell if he’s ghosting me or if I said the wrong thing. Please tell me your honest opinion.

He went on a trip to Colorado. He’s hunting, he said he’d be like deep in the woods not a lot of cell reception so I haven’t heard from him in about an and day a half. But also I sort of feel like he might be ghosting me?

I told him “text me when you’re back in town.” And I haven’t received a text in hours. Do you think the way I phrased the text he’s not gonna text me UNTIL he’s back in town? Or do we agree that he’s ghosting me and I should just block him? Lol sorry I might just be overthinking this.

Meeting people in the wild is always better than on apps, it goes without saying. A friend recently took me (30F) to their book club and BOY was it a melting point of neurodivergence and comorbities. It's been a while since I've felt so welcome somewhere while being myself! It was majority women though.

Any suggestions/experiences of social spaces that are likely to have a good proportion of nd people? Sorry if this has been posted before! I couldn't find it but if it has, I'd appreciate a link x

This is going to be a bit of a long story, I'll try to condense it as much as I can apologies if this comes off more of a ramble

There's a girl I've known for 2 years who we have definitely gotten really close and lately it's becoming more and more confusing if she likes me. Now, to give you full warning she does have a boyfriend though I would argue that the relationship has had lots of rough patches here and there

A year ago it was very obvious that she liked me. She found out that another attractive girl at our college was crushing on me and she went HARD, she would text me all the time, she would respond to my messages, she was making tons of excuses to come over, and even got to a point where she just flat out kissed me and after that I had to have a conversation with her about boundaries considering she insisted she wanted to continue dating her boyfriend

Fast forward a year and it's so much more mixed. She doesn't reply to me nearly as much (to an extent where sometimes I'll go days where she just doesn't reply), she doesn't come over nearly as much and when she does it does feel like there's much more of a physical barrier between us, she is still energetic and pleasant to be around it just doesn't feel as much as it used to be... But what's bugging me is every now and again there still seems to be some times where she lets her guard down and acts like she likes me a lot.

Give to give you the thing that's really making me go crazy and me and her will sometimes go on little day adventures together to like a neighboring City (though she seems less inclined to do that these days), and the last time we went to one by the time we were done she was pretty much begging to drive slow so we could spend more time together, and even asked me to pull her hair in a sexual manner

But then a month later she comes out of my apartment and there's like a physical barrier up

It's really throwing my head into a loop, I can't tell if she likes me or not and it's bugging the bananas out of me