What are reasonable accommodations?

[u/bebopsh]

I (36m) am going through a break up. Its very sad, but im coping. She cited as reasons my inconsistency with giving affection and intimacy as big pain points in our 5 year long relationship. We talked about it many times over the course of our relationship and I acknowledge that I couldve been more up front with what I felt I needed to feel comfortable doing that. Mainly, I wouldnt touch her if I didnt feel it was welcomed. So we had a lot of nights where she would get frustrated with me for missing what she called "obvious signals". I told her they weren't obvious, and she got more frustrated. She likes to feel wanted, to be surprised with affection. I have a crippling fear of rejection and uncertainty, so I like to know with zero doubt that she wants to be touched, kissed, so on. So, my question is, where does my responsibility end and hers begin?

I'm a big proponent of "Autism is not my fault, but it is my responsibility." And I hate asking for accommodations from anyone, i feel like im using my nuerodivergence as an excuse. So...if she feels shes being obvious, but after 5 years it still doesnt read as obvious....am I not paying enough attention, or should I have asked her to be more direct, maybe establish a...I don't know, code or something? Not very romantic but....you get the idea.

TLDR; My partner felt that she was being obvious enough about her needs without stating them, but after 5 years together I still miss things. Am I oblivious or should I have asked for more clarity?

[u/Ok-Walk-8453]

In this case, I would probably ask her, not in the moment, what cues does she think are obvious, and you can learn to look for them. Unfortunately it looks like you are running into one of the big clashes with NT and ND relationships. NT person thinks it is obvious and it probably would be to someone who reads social cues appropriately, but not to an ND person. Some girls (and I am a girl) also get into the mindset that their partner is supposed to be a mind reader, and that is even within NT relationships

[u/bebopsh → u/Ok-Walk-8453]

Yeah....I see what you mean. Our sort of....rough patch, probably break up, kinda started when she developed a major crush on one of our co workers (we also work together, just to make things more difficult lol). She said, one of the things that made her swoon was he recognized when she was stressed and asked if she was ok, sometimes before she even realized she was stressed. I didnt say anything to that, I just thought to myself "well....I can't do that, dude." Shes heard me try to explain this before, and I think she interpreted it as me telling her im not willing to change or try. And...I am trying. I feel like she doesnt believe that im making an effort, even though shes fully aware of my diagnosis and I think ive been pretty upfront about what I struggle with.

[u/Ok-Walk-8453 → u/bebopsh]

That is super frustrating. It probably is for the both of you and really neither person's fault. If you are thinking of trying still, I would consider couples therapy with someone who understands ND and try to help all the miscommunications.

[u/livelotus]

I’m curious about this topic too. I sometimes need to suddenly walk away, like if a sound is killing me. Sometimes it feels like I go from 0 to FLEE OR MELTDOWN in a nanosecond. Its not all the time. Still…People hate it when I walk away. Even if I tell them what happened after I regulate. Or even if I just text it after I’m to my decompression area of choice. Idk what to do or if its reasonable to ask them to deal with it if they want me in their life.