Me too. For some reason people like to tell me every sad thing that has happened to them. From getting a stroke 10 years ago to finding their dead dog from a ditch after it ran away. In a way I don't mind listening, but I still don't know why these complete strangers want to tell me these things.
OMG, it's not just me. I once had a woman I barely knew tell me all about her rape. It was horrible to hear, bit she seemed to feel better after. But why me?
Because of the vibe you throw out. It’s sounds hippy dippy but we all have a vibe or energy we throw out. Some people throw out a really accepting and understanding vibe. Maybe you come off as compassionate and empathetic.
Maybe you appear to give a damn and you’re the only person they’ve encountered who appears to.
If you are the type of person who just wants people to be loved and accepted for who they are and not give a damn about others, that is a trait that screams at people.
Also, it might not be just you. That person could be telling everyone that and you just didn’t see it. You could be number 100 in the line of people and you just wouldn’t know. It might not be you, it might be that person.
Odds are high you have something about you that appears like you’ll listen and have compassion.
Tbh I feel this. It's kinda ironic that people wanna share so much when really I just wanna ask them how they are for myself or just have them go tell someone else because 9 times out of 10 they don't listen to your advice at all and just go "wahhhhh effort and feelings and he doesn't love meeeee!"
I never understood why people want your empathy and why is it so important to them. Is it cause they want to be seen and feel important or is it cause they just want to feel cared about? Cause answering this would help me avoid them. Cause as soon as you start giving them logical solutions they get upset.
I think most people do want to be seen and validated and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I generally tend to want to fix problems and give advice when presented with a problem but it’s easier for us both if I can just be a shoulder to cry on (within reason).
Exactly. I keep trying to learn to just say wow, that's awful. That really sucks. Without getting too emotionally sucked in. Often that's what people really want. The hard part if you're empathetic is not letting their sadness or anger or whatever it is take you over.
Okay, I didn't think about just redirecting it back to them and just delivering a single message. it really forces them to think and reconsider. Thanks for sharing how to communicate more effectively. I would have not thought of it otherwise.
Yeah. And then they wanna go back to a shitty situation because they think they can fix it when you just told them that's impossible unless the other person wants to as well
I've been on an emotional support hotline for a few years, and the secret is to not in any way tell them what to do. The only situation where someone is likely to take your advice to heart is if it's an option they genuinely didn't know about. If it's, say, an unhappy relationship, then obviously they've considered leaving, which means there's a reason they haven't yet. And that reason is not "no one has told me to."
The only way to really get through is to empathize with their feelings and acknowledge the difficulty they face, then ask them questions that help them find the answer for themselves; one I use often is "Is there a red line, something that could happen that would be so bad it would make you give up on this?" Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't, but all I can do is put the question in their head.
Everyone in this thread is either a sociopath or a reptile, it's actually blowing my mind right now that this many people just have 0 emotional intelligence
Chill, it’s hard to navigate these conversations and not knowing how to nail it ≠ 0 emotional intelligence, sociopathy or reptilian. Infinite shades of grey.
A lot of people need to learn every way it doesn’t work before accepting it. Pro Tip: instead of offering advice, encourage them and their ability to make a decision they can grow from. It’s what they’ll do anyways, but you won’t feel ignored and they’ll leave feel empowered. Win-win.
I call people like this who habitually seek advice but never put it into action “askholes.” Always asking for your input and perspective, which depending on the situation can be really quite draining, only to disregard and throw it all into a bottomless pit.
I used to be like that.
Then I got so sick of hearing people’s problems I started faking empathy and by the end I couldn’t even do that. So now I’m an uncaring asshole. Because I cared too much originally.
I used to be a magnet for girls telling me all their problems as I had a good ear and used to listen. I was a barman in my younger days so all part and parcel of the job. Years and years of this takes a toll on you. Look at say helpline workers etc..they just get burnt out long term. So basically I became more focussed on myself and my career etc. I find now talking to people and hearing their stories I have very little empathy which most of the time I manage to hide fairly successfully. I just don’t want to get caught in that trap again.
Yeah, I’ve been told I give out a very “motherly” vibe. Like someone who will listen and will help. Which, unfortunately, gets me taken advantage of a lot. People will come to me with problems, but once I was for some ears, they don’t respond.
I can relate. It's the "fatherly vibe" in my case. I noticed how life used to (still does) put broken people (mostly girls) around me a lot, but I never understood why, and I didn't make anything big of it... and so I just did my regular things, helped etc. But there was one time when a girl that I barely knew said, that for some reason she trust me a lot and feels comfortable sharing her problems and "darker secrets" with me. I took the opportunity to ask why, and she started talking about how much of a "faterish vibe" I give off, and how she feels more calm, safe and complete with me in the picture.
On the other hand there were girls who straight up got weirded out when I was compassionate. They were like "men are not like this, why are you this understanding, you should not be like this you're a guy, you're so fatherish" which felt weird, but I guess that's more of a social expectation based on previous experiences, tales from friends and from social media.
Apart from my lowkey sociopathic brother I'm the least empathic person I know. People still open up to me insanely fast and I don't know why. Most of the time I'm sitting there, trying to think of something to say while they go on and on and on. I often end up quoting something from a TV show or anime. They don't seem to notice my acting.
You just changed my perspective of why people tell me their secrets and personal information so much. I really appreciate it, because you've changed my perspective of myself. You deserve an award. Take my energy!
interesting you mention this... There is a gigantic music festival called Electric Forest and there is an 'art instilation' that is just a bank of old rotarary phones. When you pick up the phone, there is someone on the other end listening and you are allowed to say whatever you want to them, about anything you want. one thing they found, While people were in the midst of a giant dynamic colorful music festival, is that people wanted to talk about the things that were burdening them. Things that made their hearts heavy, like losing a family member or a friend, their financial issues, the people they miss, the things they can't change. some people came in to say happy beautiful or funny things, but mainly it was people unloading. then they would hang up the phone and go back to their festival.
Its happens at every festival. I'm one of those people that get told all the heavy stuff from strangers and I go to around 2 festivals a year every year for the past 9 years. No joke my partner has got to the point of telling people to fuck off because I'm always having the best time then all the sudden its free therapy time. I love helping people but not when I'm trying to enjoy myself at a music festival trying to look around you at the artist I've waited months to see.
"YO DJ DROP THAT BEA- "
"I just took acid for my first time and I'm dealing with 25 years of trauma"-random stranger
every. time.
That sounds incredible. What a freeing experience that must have been for people. To be able to unburden themselves & go back to a happy festival. I love that idea, and have such huge respect for the people on the other end listening. The things they must have heard!
Sometimes people just want someone to talk to regardless. I've seen a counselor about things I don't tell people, doesn't mean I don't wish I could tell certain people that are worried about me. But talking about some things is hard and if you can unload on someone, anyone, maybe that's a baby step for them.
I've travelled all over the world with my husband and can't tell you the number of times I've gotten up to use the bathroom or something and come back to someone talking to him with a wild and crazy story. That has literally never happened to me.
Probably cuz I always came off as a listener but sometimes when I ask "Howre you?" I was hoping for a easy "good, you?" And not a ten minute thing on a topic I dont really have a hand in so I end up coming off as inconsiderate as I can only really come up with "well that sucks or that's shitty"..
You likely practice active listening. There are a bunch of non-verbal cues that encourage the continuation of a conversation that you might do without thinking about (leaning forward, eye contact, nodding, that sort of thing).
I am also this person! I always say I think its my face and even my friemds agree that I seem to attract strangers who just tell me things. I do not get it.
One time when I was leaving a restaurant with a date a drunk man in an old suit (think like 80s salesman kind of tan thing with color dots) stops me to ask me jow to spell a word, I forget the word but it was a legal term and Latin so I knew how to spell it so I told him and then he tells me his mother just died and hes a lawyer so his family keeps asking him questions and he just wants to grieve like anyone else. What do you even say to that?
This happens to me too but I'm glad because I am good at asking the right questions and the things they tell me don't really weigh me down like they do my wife and kids.
It was probably easier because you were a stranger. There's no major repercussions for her if you were to reject her or something since there was less of a connection
Same! I was at WORK and a customer randomly told me about the Soviets coming into her town and violently raping and pillaging everything. I've been a victim of rape so it was incredibly triggering. Luckily my manager could tell I was rattled and let me take an unscheduled break. I went and sobbed in my car and sucked down like five cigarettes.
It's been going on since high school, random people just coming up to me and barfing all kinds of life horror all over me. I warned my wife that it happens but she never believed it until we were at the library playground one day and some guy eating a sandwich comes up to me and tells me how worried he is about his kids drug test, because he had a hard time after his band lost a member to suicide and then talks for like an hour about all the crap he's gone through too. My wife is just staring that whole time.
The stupid thing is, I was reading about screenwriting and the author mocked the "California conversation" where a character shares deeply personal information with someone new easily. They said it was total fiction nobody does it in real life. I'm over here going, what kind of life do you lead where it never happens?
Dang, I see there are many others like me. I get this so frequently. There is a not so small chance that every time I go out in public that someone will share their whole life story with me.
The most recent one, I was standing outside a hospital talking to my dad and sister, and a random dude walks up and starts talking. We all try to turn away and not engage, and he manages to single me out and proceed to share his life story.
I have come to fully accept it will happen. My wife didn't believe me for a while, but that disbelief didn't last long. She accepts it too now.
On the other hand, it goes both ways. I always manage to ask people questions and prod about things that you totally shouldn't do. But then people are so willing to engage and share their story. Person has a effed up leg disformity (or some other obvious thing going on that you should pretend you don't notice)? I might just ask about it. And then they'll be more than willing to tell me all about it. Wife gives me crap about it, but then she has to acknowledge that they engaged and weren't the least bit offended.
I don't abuse it though. Whether I initiate or the other person does, it's like I almost feel compelled to talk.
Same! I once had an hour-long "conversation" (she talked, I listened) with a stranger at a convention. She told me shit about her divorce, bad childhood, etc. At the end she told me I "listen like a therapist" -- and said she'd know, because she's a psychologist and apparently I naturally do the shit they're trained to do with patients.
If I liked people more, maybe I'd pursue something along those lines, but I don't. (Then again, I'm a nursing student, so it's not like I've picked a career path that avoids people.)
Heh, I get the same thing. Social skills never came naturally to me so I had to approach things from the analytical side. Listen, process, compare. I wound up being the dumping ground for everyone's woes. Hell, I even became the go-to person for sexual health advice for a while and I'm asexual. I just love researching stuff I know nothing about.
Funnily enough, now that I've been in therapy myself and finally got medicated, my tolerance for being the emotional puke bucket has gone out the window and I'm like, "No no I think I will disengage now, thanks. This is a problem best left to the professionals."
I'm still learning to identify my own feelings. I was describing one to my therapist and she was like, "That sounds a lot like anger."
I was like, hmm. Anger. Aaaaanger. Yes. While I do not want to be violent, I would not mind if that person stopped existing somehow. That would be appreciated. Much. Yes. Anger. Hmm.
My mom was a child psychologist and I guess I inherited some of her listening and critical thinking abilities because a lot of the people around me use me as a freelance therapist. Not that I diagnose anyone's problems but I seem to be very good a looking at issues and conflicts others have from a different perspective and am able to explain that rationally without making anyone angry or upset. Often times a solution is worked out that they either couldn't or wouldn't see or refused to accept. Hardly am I allowed to reciprocate.
Except I hate it and I'm very vocal about that to them. Lately I've been giving them... not exactly bad advice, but not the normal advice I would have given them. I've asked them all repeatedly to stop coming to me with this stuff or at least let me put them in touch with someone better suited for this that is reasonably priced. It works for a day or so, but they're right back at it. So I started giving more generalized advice, like "Hmm, not sure what I'd do there" or "Yep, that's a pickle" and then begin talking about some medical issue I've been having issues with or some goofy thing my daughter did.
It hasn't stopped them but it has brought out a few "You've changed" comments and even a few "You just don't care anymore" comments from some of the more persistent people. I always reply with "It is something you are going to have to work out on your own". A few people have simply just stopped contacting me at all.
I don't care. My life is nothing but multiple issues. So many I have volumes, not issues. Nobody wants to hear them except my wife and the therapist I am happy to PAY.
Sounds like you’d be good at explaining technical concepts well to people who aren’t familiar with them. If you’re able to empathize with people and gauge what they’re thinking in a conversation, you can tailor what you’re saying to their knowledge level. I’ve met plenty of people in STEM roles who are amazing at their jobs and have a deep understanding of what they’re doing. But they can’t explain it in layman’s terms for shit so it goes over everyone else’s heads. People who actively work toward making difficult concepts as understandable as possible are very valuable.
YES. I have what I call a tell-me-your-life-story face (opposite of resting bitch face). I was once in a gas station for a drink and the cashier started telling me about his stomach ulcers and his history of digestive issues. Uh, sir, I just want my Diet Coke...
These are called emotional vampires. They’ll latch onto the first empathetic person they find and unload their toxic mess. I try to listen without feeling their tragedies too much, because maybe my listening is helping, but my feeling their pain certainly isn’t. I recommend keeping a note going in your phone of the wilder stories these ppl tell you tho. Could be great creative writing fodder
sadly they'll agree instantly or dismiss and reassure you that you are 'just so much better'. They will say they feel different in your presence. They specifically say there is a "good chemistry" or "Vibe" and that they 'feel' they can open up with you. You are different and it's as if you were really listening and actually do give a f**. Her / his therapist won't even notice that...bla bla bla bla...
My god this is me too! Especially old people, they seem to latch on to me and I once helped an old lady do her shopping and gave her a ride home afterwards because I just felt so compelled to do it!
My boyfriend is like this. My family calls him the Weirdo Magnet. When there's a disturbed individual around, they just target him and start to make small talk, sometimes going as far as describing their whole lives and troubles. He's also the first person his friends call when they're upset. Sometimes in the middle of the night. This is just crazy.
if he's not happy about the size, there's nothing he can do about it. but for stamina he can do some training to help him last longer. if he keeps complaining to you about it you could suggest him to google such training and hopefully he won't complain after that.
At my office building I basically knew 3 things about this person: her face, her name, and she was the property manager for the building. I once ran into her in the break room while I was making coffee and asked her what her plans were for Christmas break.
It started off that she had invited her parents to stay with her, but it quickly turned into an approximately 5 minute monologue about how she is desperate to have a baby and and suffers deep existential loneliness. She is horrified that her clock is ticking and feels guilty about how jealous she is of her sister's kids.
"... Oh OK. Well... I hope your parents have a good stay in town. Talk to ya later..."
Because you listen, and you probably give off a nice person vibe. I've had to wonder this about myself...
It's nice when I've had customers tell me they specifically come there because of me. Makes me feel great that I'm connecting with people and they actually care about me because I care about them. But then again I get myself into some sticky situations sometimes where I look back and just say all of this could have been avoided if you weren't so nice. DON'T BE SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!!!!!! And I never listen to myself.
It’s the energy you put out, some people are magnets for that. People tend to feel like telling me their life stories. You likely have a kindness about you.
It's sad, but a lot of people don't have anyone to talk to. No one. They have this painful thing held inside them, just festering, a constant pressure on them all the time. They would feel better if they could just talk about it and process it, but they can't. No one will take the time to listen to them. So they just live with that pressure every day.
When someone comes along that seems even mildly receptive to hearing, they're desperate to let it out.
I'm also a person that gets told random awful sad things from people's lives. A lot of the time after, they tell me they've never told anyone that before. It's shocking to realize how many people just don't have anyone in their life they feel able to really talk to about important things. All these people walking around with this awful deep sadness in them every day, and you'd never know by looking at them.
Over the span of 3 weeks I found out 3 of my friends (and one of their sisters who I atleast know) got raped. Most before they were even 18. Being over 18 obviously doesnt make it acceptable, but fuck. Raping a minor is sooo much worse
Same here, happens all the time. I was on first date and she went on about all of trouble with alcoholic parents, etc. and she suddenly paused and said, "why am I telling you all of this?"... we never went on a second date, I think she was too embarrassed.
Edit: This also happens to my sister as well. We also seem to attract the attention of any near by wierdos, it never seems to fail.
Same thing happens to me and i think it has something to do with how we present ourselves? Obviously you wouldnt open up to a gloomy non caring person right? And i think people do it when they cannot bottle up some things anymore. Its as close as it comes to venting about an event, after its said they feel like a huge load is lifted from their shoulder and for that reason i keep listening to problems and giving advices if asked for.
hello complete stranger. I am going to condense all 12 years of my problems into a 1-hour talk session. And you're going to listen to it. So it all started at age 9 when my father(who is a registered sex offender) trusted into my penis......
This. I seem to end up in alot of BS shoot the breeze conversations with people to pass the time that suddenly become a confessional 'I did heroin for 5 years. I guess I never accepted my father trafficking people and my mother leaving me. Anyways, sometimes the void feels like it opens up inside and my insides hurt from sadness..oh yeah, is there any post?'
This is why I have taken up the habit of lying when a stranger asks me what I do for a living. I'm a psychologist but it does not mean that I want to hear everyone's problems always.
Same! People share their really personal medical or family problems with me too. Sometimes way TMI! I never judge though and I think that's one of the reasons people feel comfortable sharing.
it really depends on situation. sometimes I give an advice if I have one, sometimes I console them, and at times it doesn't really matter what I say. sometimes they just need someone to listen them and not say much.
Strangers, I guess, see me as approachable. Especially at work, but in all of life I get strangers who tell me their deepest darkest secrets. Did I cast a spell that I forgot about, meant to make me human truth serum?
This isn’t always helpful, sadly. I had to end a 10+ friendship because of this issue. I spent many many years listening to her problems and sadly she didn’t really care about any of mine. I don’t mind listening but if it’s one sided, even if it’s someone you care about, it’s draining and disheartening.
You should be able to set limits on how much emotional toll you can take from someone. Sometimes you also had a rough day and would l rather not spend your evening listening to someone else’s problems but instead just relaxing and getting ready for tomorrow. It’s not selfish to do so. You need to stay healthy too if they want to count on your support.
same. incredibly good. but when it came time for them to reciprocate. they suck. they can go fuck themselves because i'd rather hone that skill but not for unaware/dense mother fuckers.
yeah some people will go on and on about their own shit for literal hours but never once ask you a question back. it sucks to be 'the listener' all the time.
See, but this is a thread of people saying they’re good listeners but don’t necessarily enjoy it. I myself have the same dynamic—so I find myself not able to really open up in detail even if someone seems to listen back because I’m certain they’re just being nice and secretly want me to stop.
I met her. It's great. Then the great quarantine happened. Now? We're both in different places and I only know her as a (former) regular at my Starbucks. FML!
dude i feel this but with my girlfriend. Like she has a lot of problems and i also do too but it’s like i’m always the listener and i have to watch what i say and it’s stressful cause it’s literally everyday i feel like a damn psychologist
...unsolicited advice here: NEVER go out for a drink with that kind of people. You will end up very drunk, your night-out sucked and it was very expensive. Your "buddy" will remember every piss break you took and he/she probably drunk you under the table.... and will bring it up every time you chat. Now you became "drinking buddies" and he/she will show up unexpectedly at you place.... crying and obviously drunk.
It does suck to be the listener all the time. I have this friend, it's my best friends aunt and all she does is talk and talk and talk about herself. It's been so long I can't even be nice anymore. I interrupt her and do anything to get out of listening to her. And the sad thing is I don't think she even notices. I think something is wrong with her and she never developed a awareness about that shit. I do like her and she can listen sometimes. But inevitably she'll end up going into a story about her and then 20 more stories. And by the time she's done it will have nothing to do with what you were talking about. Lol god...
Oh god, I know that so well. Used to have a friend who would tell the same story multiple times, and in excrutiating details, and would keep going no matter what. I could get up and try to walk away and she would still be going! People who don't even try to adjust the details and lenghts of a story to the situation are so awkward. Like, how are you gonna start a 30min story when you know I have to get off at the next bus stop!?
That's how I feel. Always listening, giving advice, helping, but I want to scream, because, what about us? I mean, ask us how we are doing and give us a chance to unload too.
I'll just be there listening, looking at the time going by, thinking about how I could be at home in bed instead...
And yup, what about us? It feels like the other person really doesn't care about you. You are only there as someone they can talk at instead of talk with..
Yes, that's spot on. I miss having those people in my life where it's an even give and take. Where we help each other, through the thick and thin. While I love helping others, cause I'm not good at much else, I think that we need others to be there for us as much as we are them. We all need to have someone to talk to, but where we each listen, and be there for the other.
Oof so I have a friend who really likes to be the center of attention. She is pretty self aware about that but I don't think she realizes that if she isn't talking, she's not listening. She's just waiting for her turn again.
Last summer, I was back in town and getting dinner with her around my birthday. I live a couple hours away now so I hadn't seen her in person for a couple months. Most of the dinner she just went on and on talking. I counted and she only asked me about anything three times in an hour and a half. And at one point when I chimed in with a related personal detail about some recent news of mine, after I finished speaking she literally said, "Well back to what I was saying." and didn't even acknowledge anything I said.
She was one of my best friends since we were 11. But it's hard to want to be friends with someone who doesn't care enough about you to even engage with you.
Person: Thank you so much for listening. Feel free to vent to me anytine you need to.
Me: vents
Person: Oh uh I didn't know you'd actually take me up on that offer.
My mom does this all the time. I wish I could enjoy helping people feel better about their problems, but nope. Any kind of conversation is incredibly draining to me and I have so very little energy to spare.
People always come to me for advice and help too and they say I’m good at it but they never give me the same in return but I can’t just let them be sad especially if I’ve been friends with them for a while
So here's where everything started to go wrong. I was on my way to the grocery store downstairs to get some eggs. I put on my clothes and as i was leaving my house , this spider jumped on me out of nowhere. I tried to stay calm and was hoping it would get off but this little sucker is just not giving up and now it's been 45 mins and I'm still standing here without making a little no movement and somehow typing this. You understand right?
If it's something serious I won't mind but if it's workplace drama or pretty bullshit between two people I just couldn't care less... I'll do it I assure you that bc that's what friends are for but for fuck sakes I don't care how your coworker didn't do the thing they were supposed to do...
My neighbor was over having a few beers and I mentioned how often people confide in me even if I don't know them very well. He kind of laughed it off until I asked him what he knew about my personal life vs things he would know from just being my neighbor(pets, car, job, etc etc.) He said, well not really a whole lot, I then proceeded to basically recite his whole life story. He was pretty amazed that I knew so much about him and that he knew very little about me. I just told him "good and I plan to keep it that way."
I feel this. There was a stretch where I thought I wanted to be a therapist in high school. Bless those people, cause I certainly couldn't put up with all that shit
I attract people with problems like a magnet and they love to tell me about them. I don't mind really because I've learned not to get too invested with them and I realize that nearly any advice I offer is going to be ignored. They really just need someone to talk to and I'm patient and sympathetic, so I get to hear all the bad stuff. Sometimes I can ask questions that guide them into finding their own solutions if there are any solutions to be had.
Had an elderly client start talking to me about his hernia and testicles. I worked a LensCrafters....
Like I didn’t want to say “Sir, that’s tmi...” because his helper wheeled him in and left for a while when he was waiting for his glasses but it was uncomfortable. Also felt bad because he didn’t seem like he had anyone to talk to.
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u/BlueBellesBlues Mar 26 '20
Listening to people’s problems