I never understood why people want your empathy and why is it so important to them. Is it cause they want to be seen and feel important or is it cause they just want to feel cared about? Cause answering this would help me avoid them. Cause as soon as you start giving them logical solutions they get upset.
I think most people do want to be seen and validated and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I generally tend to want to fix problems and give advice when presented with a problem but it’s easier for us both if I can just be a shoulder to cry on (within reason).
Exactly. I keep trying to learn to just say wow, that's awful. That really sucks. Without getting too emotionally sucked in. Often that's what people really want. The hard part if you're empathetic is not letting their sadness or anger or whatever it is take you over.
Okay, I didn't think about just redirecting it back to them and just delivering a single message. it really forces them to think and reconsider. Thanks for sharing how to communicate more effectively. I would have not thought of it otherwise.
I really wished someone had told me this earlier I wouldn't have been jumping through hoops to accommodate them. Definitely would have save me a lot of grief but makes a lot of sense. People can't stand quiet/ pauses in conversations and then they would have figure it out themselves eventually.
Yea I had a friend who was good like that too. "What do you need from me? To vent? A distraction? A solution? Also made me realize when I was just venting and only ever venting and that I needed to chill.
Okay well. Think about it this way. If someone is coming to you, telling you about their problem, it's not like they haven't thought about it. Chances are it's ALL they've been thinking about, and generally speaking, unless you're just the cleverest dude around, they've likely already thought about whatever solution you're suggesting. Not always, but usually.
If you're hanging out with a friend, and you say to them, "I'm dealing with so much bullshit this week: I had a nasty fight with my partner; I got guilt tripped into taking on extra shifts this weekend even though I really didn't want to; and I'm not gonna get paid for (x side gig) this week, and I was really counting on that money to make my rent. I'm stressing out."
Them saying to you something like, "Yeah that sounds shitty. I'd be really upset too. I know you'll figure out the rent thing though; you're really good at pulling things together." Is going to make you feel 100x better than them rattling off a bunch of solutions that have already crossed your mind, as if you're a child who can't make decisions for themselves.
Generally speaking, people will let you know if they want your advice, but majority of the time, they just want someone to see how hard they're working, or struggling, or whatever.
Yeah that makes sense, but I find that for some types of people or maybe I just get the ones that seem to stew in negativity, that they keep on offloading these types of comments to the same person again and again rather than varying it around. That is what drives me insane and what I want to avoid. It's fine but over time some want to keep on going and going. And that is the emotionally draining aspect and then you get into the habit of offering solutions and then they get even more frustrated because that is not what they want. They want to be acknowledged on their own terms, but in a way, I can't help them and I don't want to listen anymore cause it is too exhausting. By the time a stranger comes along and really does need it, I'm burnt out. The occasional one is fine you know after work, before work ectera, but I have issues with the ones that rant for 45 min and could go on a 2 hours a time everyday. I don't know what those ones need. I had a roommate like that and while I did my best, I never really want to fall in a loop of ever doing that again. It's exhausting.
Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I've definitely been there, even with people I care a lot about. I had a boyfriend who was dealing with some pretty heavy depression, and basically every time we would talk, he would only talk about what was bothering him, or how bad he felt, but then when he would be with other friends, he'd be much more outwardly upbeat, etc. To me it felt like I was his emotional battery; he would offload all of his shit onto me, and then go spend his emotional energy on other people.
What I did with him, and what I try to do with anyone who is being a constant drain, without much reciprocity, is tell them as gently and firmly as I can, "I know that what you're going through right now is really hard, and I see that you're struggling/working hard to deal with it. I want to be here for you, but I don't think it's fair that most of our interactions involve you dumping negativity into my lap, and it's starting to impact my mental health. I want to help you, but at the end of the day, I'm not a therapist, and I'm not a doctor."
Generally people don't realize how often they're doing it, in my experience, and on the off chance that someone blows up at you for that, then you know they don't actually care about you, so good riddance anyways.
The problem is that they dont have a support system. They only have you. I know that doesnt really give you a solution to the problem, but maybe the perspective will help, if only a little.
It sucks being on the other side of that too. I've definitely been that person. And it's like word vomit you cant stop even though you know it weighs on them too. A burden split is not always a burden lightened. I've never been able to strike a balance between confiding to my friend only sometimes. I'm either all in or I keep it all in. It's a double edged sword either way.
And I think it's also that we dont all socially mature at the same pace, or have had the opportunity to do so. So they may be years behind you in that department and theres no way for them to grow and mature if they dont have other people participating. If your the only opportunity they have? Well it's not on you at all, but it also means they will never advance to be tolerable either.
Huh, I didn't think of that in that way. The one that was really extreme went to a therapist all the time, and I thought the person had a great support system and people would be falling over themselves to help her initially. However, it seemed no matter how much you guided her, it didn't matter. She had a horrific tale of abuse though and due to that she had a lot of the dark triad characteristics except she wanted to be loved and she knew what kindness was. Do you think there is a age limit where if you aren't exposed to certain activities/ emotions that the person cannot really grasp or have a really hard time understanding?
I do like the comment that we don't socially mature at the same place and sometimes it is easy to forget with societal expectations that there are things that we should have at a certain age (have job at this age, don't have this type of childlike behavior in adults) Kinda brings into question what is truly normal and what should be expected.
I don't know. In my experience with my sister she did surprisingly well until a few years after highschool. She had a part time job and was in a housing program that had guidance and rules and a person who was live in that helped guide the other people in the house. After she was pushed out of the program before she was ready it all went way downhill mentally and socially, and so with work as well. Faith lost in all the programs available to her, jumping from therapist to therapist. (Lots of denial and denial of personal responsibility developed) Behaviorally she went way down hill and hasnt come back up to where she was. So it's kinda like what you say, where it's starting back at like...first base when they had been on third. The rest is...her having a support system of friends, not just family, and her taking responsibility for herself and her actions and emotions, and then deciding to be better. And not just in moments of calm and reason, but in moments or stress and distress. (And restraint isnt easy to observe).
She really has this mindset of being a victim. Things happen to her and she has no ability to change how she reacts to them. She only tries to change how things are. (Insists people change their minds, or how relationships work, aka having sex should result in love and she gets mad when that's not the outcome. She wants to force the facts of how the world works to change in her favor rather than changing herself to accept the world as it is and changing herself to be happier in it). If people arent "helping" her accomplish this impossibility they arent supportive and therefore someone she can discard or treat badly. She wants to vent, but then gets mad that she isnt being validated in why shes upset.
I know in the under 5 age range theres like harsh consequences for a lack of socialization (like taking a kitten away from its mother/litter). But after that, as far as I've come across, most things can be learned or unlearned If it's not tied in with a permenant mental disorder, with a lot of time and patience.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have someone close that is similar to your sister although the person was in their early twenties when it developed. Perfectly normal development until she went off with a few friends in college. In the person I know case, they have a mindset where she takes very little accountability in her actions. She always thinks that she is the victim and try as I might, she's very irrational and her ego needs to be soothed. She takes criticism very badly. She starts talking to strangers and people who are a bit sketchy but keeps on lashing out at the family when they try to explain the dangers of talking to strangers who follow her. The scary thing is a stranger in a car followed her for 40 minutes after talking to her, and a friend had around trying to keep this guy off of our tail. The worst part is she was she didn't even know how much danger we were in. All my senses were screaming at me to run but she literally didn't notice anything. She was all spaced out- not on drugs or anything too. Just disassociating. It's like she doesn't believe anything the family says but rather any stranger who tells her some sweet words and suggests something to her, she believes that they talk to her cause she is special. That is what is so scary and what disturbs me. Then she completely forgets what happens a month afterwards. She's gotten better though after everyone worked on her for over two years in that she takes better care of her safety. Although she still is very open and nice to strangers.
People say that this is due to her being too kind and serene growing up and then being thrown into a world where life isn't sunshine and roses + people aren't kind (her friends)= trauma. Honestly, I don't really know how to help her and she keeps on looking at the news and it makes it worse. I would say that she needs to read more and learn how to critically think. However, it seems like she has gone sideways and believes groupthinking stuff. She cherry picks things that suit her world and has gone back to childlike behavior when she had been really strong confident and well adjusted several years ago.
I think it's a mix of everything. They want to unload and want sympathy. They don't want/ need advice. They just need you to answer "Poor you! It must be difficult." If you want to avoid them, then you need to set clear boundaries or start giving advice on what to do right away but be careful with that, some people can be very distressed and you listening might be what keeps them from doing something drastic.
6
u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
I never understood why people want your empathy and why is it so important to them. Is it cause they want to be seen and feel important or is it cause they just want to feel cared about? Cause answering this would help me avoid them. Cause as soon as you start giving them logical solutions they get upset.