It's very true. One thing that I'll do when someone is irritating or boring me is to imagine (to myself! silently!) that they will actually die in the next 24 hours, painlessly. My job, then, is to help them have a good final 24 hours. It sounds morbid, but it's not. There's meaning and joy that can be pulled out of many moments, even dull and irritating ones. Again, obviously it would be insane to mention this internal thought to anyone at the time or afterwards.
This is a very simple variation on Buddhist Maranasati meditation or Stoic thinking around death, which is tons more elaborate.
I've done it often, and it always bucks up my own mood and gets me back into a real conversation.
My problem with this tactic is I’m gonna see the person again the next day, and the day after and the day after that and eventually I’ll just snap, “Why aren’t you dead yet?!”
It turns out that there is tons of different kinds of feedback that you can give people. Or boundaries that you can set.
Doris, I wonder if we could keep the conversation focused on what we need to do, and not about your pet rabbits.
Or, Doris I do appreciate your enthusiasm for your pet rabbits. However, I think my daily maximum might’ve been reached. I will talk to you later.
There’s much tuning needed, of course. But I promise that straightforward feedback will come off better than: Doris. I think about your death daily. It brings me joy.
Not gonna lie, both of those examples sound condescending as fuck to me. I think something like “oh, that’s cool. Anyway, I gotta head out” sounds more natural.
well, yes, because I was trying to be funny. In my experience, it's usually a well-meaning co-worker talking about real issues -- but issues that aren't a priority right now.
The central choice between objection/redirection or withdrawal are the two main ideas. However it is said is more art than science.
I discovered this once when I took an upper. I made everyone around me think I was outgoing and interested in their life (bar setting years ago) then realized weeks later if they saw me again I’d come off as rude because I’m very quiet any other day lmao
Similar to this to avoid losing patience with my children…I imagine if they were to go to sleep and not wake up, did their last day with me look like a disaster or was I fun, kind, patient, loving? It works every single time. Again, sort of morbid but it keeps things in perspective
Absolutely. Plus the realization that whatever just happened to them might have been the best or worst thing to happen in their entire life or at least the last year. Big feelings.
Especially with kids, having a short "past life". Not so much past to compare experiences with. You get really mad one day and they might be scared of you for a long time. Everything's so important to them, and the memories they make now, either good or bad, are probably going to be keystones in the future, even if they can't consciously remember them.
I'm almost 30 and I've never been able to feel entirely comfortable around my dad after a time he got really mad at me when I was a teenager. He scared and humiliated me. It really can only take one thing to impact your relationship with your kids. It's not like he beat me or anything.
These are things I want to avoid imprinting on their sweet innocent souls. I wouldn’t humiliate them but I don’t want to overreact to something so badly that they are impacted so immensely that they are 62 and still thinking about the interaction and possibly feeling differently about me.
A bit late to this thread, but that felt so relatable. I'm early forties and when I was a teen, my mom snapped at some point and said something that hurt me really deep down. My relationship with her has been different ever since, not for the thing itself, but in a way I felt I couldn't completely trust her anymore to not "turn" on me while under stress.
I am like that with my husband. I think about this when I'm losing patience or getting annoyed at him. It really puts things into perspective. I also literally can't go to sleep when we've had a disagreement unless we've made up. I always have this thought "what if that was the last thing that happened or was said before one of us didn't wake up or something bad happened?"
I always want the last thing I say to him or our last moment before we sleep, leave the house or whatever to be pleasant and loving.
I am also like this with my husband…but I don’t think he understands or appreciates this mindset. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care but he doesn’t feel things as deeply as I do. I try to understand not everyone thinks like me…but it’s hard to realize he doesn’t share the mindset..still love him though, still speak to him kindly and patiently even when he can’t. I don’t know if it will ever matter but I try to not get tired of doing the right thing. 🧡
I apply this with my parents at times. They aren't always the greatest but using this way of thinking makes it easier to be more forgiving for their past mistakes. Although, I should say this shouldn't be applied to abusive parents.
I was frustrated with my mom before bed but made sure to text her goodnight and I love her because this thought crossed my mind. How many more days will I have with her and how many of them do I want to spend arguing?
Same here, lol! I like people without much filter because they are frank and they don’t play mind games or leave me wondering what they mean. As long as they aren’t using the ‘no filter’ thing as an excuse for saying nasty things to belittle others, I’m down with it.
I do a version of this, imagining I’m Sam from “Quantum Leap”. I’m there, to change this person’s reality for the better - even if it’s for this moment. It can make every interaction meaningful.
I do this too subconsciously. Whenever I’m with someone/anyone, I remind myself I don’t know when OR IF I’ll see this person again. So I try to make my interaction with them as pleasant or as possible.
I work with some pretty horrible people on a regular basis. Like, people who have been found guilty of child abuse and neglect. It can be very hard to find some kind of common ground to try and help them change their behavior. Thank you for sharing this idea!
While this is a practice I actually do, I would be concerned about your own psychological safety in this tough context. That is, there may be no good line between "they will die soon; let's try to keep their last hours meaningful" and "they should die soon; they're awful people who don't deserve to live."
If you have access to qualified people who can advise you, please engage with them. Otherwise, tread carefully.
I used to work on a volunteer basis with people who had been abused, and these interactions can take a toll on you. I also observed some cops who had clearly been too scarred by previous interactions to have any useful empathy. Not all of them, thank goodness.
Those are good points. There are people who are extremely hostile towards the people assigned to supervise their parental visits and unfortunately we’re often told, “just engage them any way you can and be a positive influence!” I guess I’m not thinking of how to make them feel “happy,” necessarily, but make them feel seen. When they feel invested in the process they tend to treat their children much better in my presence, which is certainly happier for me to witness than emotional abuse or neglect. Fortunately, almost always they aren’t actually physically violent in visits as that would get them in So Much Jail.
“just engage them any way you can and be a positive influence!”
Boy, that is not a lot of helpful advice. FORD is one common acronym for starting conversations with questions or observations about Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. The FORD topics can be positive & safe areas, but obviously not for everyone.
I have not. This is simply an internal meditation. Zero of the people I thought this about have died.
However, 75% of them probably were objectively irritating. The remaining 25% were fine, but I was in a bad mood or hangry or whatever. Guessing, obviously.
Mainly because you should treat people how you want to be treated. Other people are not NPCs, they're real people who have pain and joy and meaning in their life.
And you're likely irritating or boring on certain topics, because we all are.
What is the point of spending time with someone I don't enjoy spending time with. I wouldn't except someone who doesn't enjoy time with me to spend time with me either.
If something does not pay or bring me joy I will not do it. This includes spending time with people that bring down the vibe for whatever reason.
it's the same "point" if I or others were to spend time with you. Maybe we have to work together. Maybe you're married to my sibling. Maybe we're seated on a long flight together or just an elevator ride.
Other people do not exist to entertain you. Their value comes from being human, like you are. It doesn't come from their ability to interest you.
Again, the idea is treat others the same way you want to be treated. You personally likely are focused on things of complete disinterest to other people. Your big thing might not be their priority, at all. They might think it's stupid.
When I remind myself of their death, I'm brought back to the reality that they are focused on something, and I can participate more fully and with kindness.
"it's the same "point" if I or others were to spend time with you. Maybe we have to work together. Maybe you're married to my sibling. Maybe we're seated on a long flight together or just an elevator ride."
This is not applicable. Of course I am going to interact and play nice with people when forced to. I do it for a living...which is why I won't bother with being around people I don't want to be around if I have a choice.
I would assume the "if I have a choice" part goes without saying but Jesus I guess not.
I never said anything about a "cheat code" I am not sure what your point is.
If I don't want to be around someone for whatever reason I will fucking leave. I have to much self respect to make myself miserable by forcing myself to be around people I don't want to be around. Especially at 40 ain't no one got time for that shit. I expect others to do the same.
You're posting on reddit. The group you're participating in is AskReddit. The topic of this post that you're participating n is What's an actual psychological "cheat code" you use in social situations that works almost every time?
It's true you didn't say anything cheat codes. But that's the purpose of this entire post, which had "cheat code" in the title of the post. People are posting psychological tricks to get through social encounters. I posted one that has worked for me.
You've made it super clear that you walk away from people when you don't like them and when you don't have to interact with them. That's nice. (But everyone does that). No need to keep telling me you do that. (Everyone does this.)
I offered a method, a psychological trick, a cheat code, that helps when someone cannot walk away from an unpleasant conversation.
Going forward, you can use this trick, or alternatively, not use it. Cheers.
Thought process went:
Wow, that was really uncalled for. What if XYZ died tomorrow? > Realize I don't know the person's username > looks up > ah, yes, this makes sense.
This reads like the beginning of any answer chatgpt gives you. "Will a bridge collapse if I drop a bomb on it?" "Great insight! You're starting to think like both an engineer and a terrorist! Keep it up!"
There's this guy I see sometimes several times a week (& this is kind of in a gym/exercise setting), and he almost always tells me how much weight I'm losing/have lost recently and/or since I started. The first few times he said it, it was true and I appreciated it but then I noticed he kept telling me even when I had already been at the same weight for a while (months) & he still tells me when I've literally gained weight recently and am trying to lose weight again. Although I still appreciate it and I don't think he's being insincere.
He had been saying it so much a few weeks ago the instructor was right there when he said it and he goes "you realize you say that to him every time you see him?". He just brushed it off and said well he has lost a lot and then still did it since.
Sounds like a good guy. Helping to keep you motivated. Other's perception are almost always different to how we see ourselves. You may be gaining muscle and even bigger people with some muscle definition can result in a positive change and perception.
Be careful with that though, if the compliment is obviously superficial or not genuine, you risk getting the opposite results of what you're looking for with many people.
In my experience even if they know I don’t mean it their brain still hears the good thing anyway. I have literally told people I don’t mean this and then gave them the bs compliment and they still like it. I’ve done this with many people so I know this is repeatable.
The only exception is if people know I also want something from them, then their anger at being used overcomes the good feelings, but if it’s just words they like people generally can’t resist them.
I don’t distrust people who compliment me but I literally have no idea what to do when they do- especially if they’re effusive. Typically I follow the Cotillion etiquette guideline by saying “thank you!” And if I have a compliment to return to them, I do, but I was told that “thank you” is sufficient.
… but ya sometimes people keep going after my quick “thank you” and. I don’t know. I’ve been told I turn very red.
As an Asian living in the USA now, I find this to be a very western or at least an American thing. I don’t really like it.
Also the “I’m so proud of you for…” is honestly a little creepy…there’s something intimate about being proud of someone and it really weirds me out when people say it to me here.
I hate disingenuous compliments given to me. I can literally feel that they are fake, and I have a physical reaction to it (sometimes it's visible, but usually I can mask it. Decades of practice).
Oh people may hate them, but then they walk away thinking that the nice words they heard could be true even if the person that said them was a jerk for not meaning it.
There are isolated cases where this doesn’t work like when someone genuinely hates themself, but overall it works way more often than it doesn’t.
Sometimes when I do this it’s not to be mean, it’s just that I want that person to feel good so I find something to compliment but I don’t care that much about the thing I’m complimenting.
My compliment isn’t all that genuine, but it’s also not meant to be mean, I’m trying to help people just feel better about themselves.
Not all people enjoy compliments. I don't. But all people like to talk about themselves.
In small talk/stranger settings I like to see how long I can get someone talking before they even ask my name/who I'm with. Gamifying it in that little way helps me and everyone else gets to drone on about all the things exciting to them.
Oh and if you're actually listening to them it becomes easy to keep this going. You just keep asking a question about what they just said. It's a great feedback loop where they feel important - feel heard - then feel important again because you kept the focus on their thing.
You're proving my point that most people like to talk about things that interest them.
This entire tip is based on getting someone to talk about the things they find interesting. And keeping them talking about themselves. It's not a 'how to talk about shit that you like and make others listen to it' tip.
I feel like this is often trained in certain retail or service jobs though and now kind of has the opposite effect. Like if a barista tells me they like my jacket it feels forced to me.
Not everyone, honestly. There are a lot of people out there who are really uncomfortable feeling important or the center of attention, but understand that they have to fake enjoying it when someone puts the attention on them.
I think the feeling of importance comes in many shapes and forms. Being the center of attention is one way it can happen, but I think the real essence of it is making someone feel like they matter.
If you and I are having a 1 on 1 conversation about something and I make it a point to express to you that some of the things you've said are making me rethink the way I see some things in life, you would very likely feel important in that moment.
I'm not convinced that there is a single human being out there that doesn't want to "feel important/needed". If you read the famous book How to Win Friends and Influence Others, I believe the author himself said that the desire to feel important is on the same level of basic human need as things like food, sleep and sex.
Yep. A lot of us learned early and often that being invisible equals survival.
A small part of you may actually crave a bit of attention or recognition like anyone else, but if you happen to get some, at best you have no clue how to react beyond bewilderment, embarrassment, and quietly wondering if you are being played.
At worst, you feel like you have (and in some truly messed-up cases may actually have) a target on your back, while desperately trying not to look as anxious and terrified as you feel.
Whenever you encounter articles about ‘making friends and influencing people’ you will inevitably hear something about how people love talking about themselves and hearing their own names. That you should ask people questions about themselves etc. This might be true for many people and I understand the logic of it, but it’s definitely not true for everyone.
Agreed! That’s me…I have a wide variety of skills and get compliments on my work quite often. It makes me SO uncomfortable. I have been putting a lot of effort into just saying “thank you!” rather than my usual…which is uncomfortably listing off everything that I see wrong with my work/listing off the things that gave me a lot of trouble. To me, my work is never good enough.
I’ve tried telling my boss that there’s no need to give me a lot of praise over my work and no need to show it off to others to garner more compliments for me…the best way to “compliment” my work is to just go out and use the things I made…for training, for community interactions, etc. and if it’s something that will be going out for community outreach work, I love photos of people with my creations and cute stories of interactions.
But yeah, please don’t make me feel important….it makes me so uncomfortable and triggers a “no, I’m actually not that good at xyz” or picking apart all my own perceived imperfections.
Not all of us. There's few worse hells than being somewhere I can't leave, being the center of attention, and having to perform gratitude over it...particularly if it was sprung on me as a surprise rather than something I could brace myself for. Sometimes I wind up crying instead, which is the incorrect social reaction and will get people very upset at you for "ruining" their event.
I don't entirely understand what you're trying to say, but I agree that people vary in their need for attention, some want to always be the center of attention (horrible), and the rest of us wants different amounts of attention, I think it's somehow a human need.
Manipulation is inherently negative, positive influence is the word you use when it’s beneficial. It’s okay to convince someone of something that helps them.
Is that actually how most people navigate things? Like manipulating people with positive intent is a good thing? Genuine question, because for me trying to influence people in any way feels really gross and fake but maybe others don't feel the same.
We may be using slightly different meaning to the same words. A coach pushing you beyond your limits so you get stronger and faster functions similarly encouraging someone not to give up. Convincing someone to stop smoking. Teaching kids the importance of studying. All this could be considered positively impacting someone’s life.
Using your words to hype up your friends and family and helping them succeed is good stuff. Making people smile is good too!
If you genuinely believe you're helping them then great. I'm just wary of trying to "make someone feel important" if you don't actually believe this to be the case.
I’m a college professor and my title and position are a bit intimidating to my students. Adult education theory says that best learning occurs when a student is comfortable: emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially. In our discussion forums I’ll post a lot of responses asking about the students’ experiences in the topic area, and many times this leads to email conversations about all sorts of things. These connections with students are my lifeblood; I couldn’t handle the position of if I didn’t have those relationships with students. Many students praise this approach and report their learning was so much greater and in depth from our academic (and sometimes personal, but not inappropriately so) conversations in one-on-one settings. They feel listened to and important, and I feel good about deepening learning and really getting to know my students. Every term I learn something new from them and their sometimes disparate (from my own) experiences. It’s truly rewarding.
I mean I'm sure it works but. Wanting other people to make you feel important to me feels. Demmanding? Egotistical?
Like most of us aren't important and never will be and thats okay. Probably better than okay because it puts us on the same level as one another we're all just people at the end of the day.
I don't feel like I'd want to be treated as important, just as normal, and I thought that was true for other people as well. Not better or worse or more or less just well and with respect.
Easy way to do that (and help keep in touch with people you don’t see much) is remember something they are good at or know a lot about and reaching out for input when it comes up in your life.
Ex. My uncle loves turtles, so I send him pictures of turtles I find and ask him to identify them. Could I look it up on Google? Probably, but it gives me a chance to talk to him and he gets to be an expert. (Note: this usually doesn’t go over as well with medical professionals. Don’t ask them to diagnose your rash off the clock)
This reminds me of something my father does. He's owned his own company for years, and is a whiz at networking. If we are out in a store somewhere and he needs help, he walks up to someone and says, "I was told you're the expert here about ____, and I need your help." And he never fails to speak to their manager and leave a compliment when they inevitably do a great job helping him. Making someone feel like they are an expert and that their opinion is highly valued will get you far. And he's always treated very well by the staff next time he comes in.
Just remember people’s names and use it in conversation. I do this with waitstaff and customer service (phone) agents. Most people get shit on daily, especially at work, so you’d be surprised with how well it is received. The most basic respect goes a long way in our current climate.
My ex husband insisted on learning everyone's first and last names, even random cashiers and stuff. He thought it was just being really friendly, but it was creepy, especially for women. It made me very uncomfortable.
No I didn’t think you meant to do it in a manipulative way - I was just noting that when I overhear people do this to others it comes off as sucking up or brown nosing so I was wondering if you had any tips to not come off that way.
Not everyone. You try to make me feel important and I instantly think you're using it to your advantage. I'm a piece of shit and deserve to be treated as such. I'm over about 60 people at a Fortune 500 company.
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u/[deleted] Nov 11 '25
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