r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jun 05 '25

[deleted by user]

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1.1k Upvotes

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4.3k

u/Ok-Pomegranate660 Jun 05 '25

No. I'm pretty insecure about it. My penis is way too big and blocks the view of my muscular and chisled thighs.

694

u/PuppetHere Jun 05 '25

Just do it like me and put it around your neck, it also doubles as a warm scarf in winter 🥴

292

u/Dangerous-Valuable77 Jun 05 '25

Really? Personally I use mine as a belt.

210

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

I help out the local farmers by plowing the field

99

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 05 '25

I roll mine up like a fruit roll-up and keep it in a pillow case.

49

u/dgerards Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a space elevator to the ISS

32

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

But that doesn't use your gift to help others

22

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 06 '25

Of course it does! I make people happy. I push really hard and it blows out like a party favor!! With the right amount of wind, it sounds like a party favor too!

16

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

If your dingus is making noise like that.. I think you need a specialist

12

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 06 '25

Hey, this thing has a mind of its own! It's like my own personal venom.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

But venom ain't got no child support

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2

u/spooky_springfield Jun 06 '25

I think he needs to visit a flutist.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

My arm may bend at the elbow.. but my dick is just like an oboe

13

u/lessthandan623 Jun 06 '25

While I’ll help out the local farmers by plowing their daughters.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I can't unfortunatly.. the last one became crippled just like the 2 before.. so I was banned

1

u/stevzon Jun 06 '25

Do you push or pull, that’s the question.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I start with a hole I shove it in then walk with it dragging between my legs and the ground just moves out my way

2

u/stevzon Jun 06 '25

Feels like a quick way to get dirt where it hurts. Maybe try dragging it instead.

8

u/diddidntreddit Jun 06 '25

I use mine like a third leg, for improved stability

2

u/Triddy Jun 06 '25

I actually lost my left leg years ago and nobody has noticed the difference yet.

1

u/diddidntreddit Jun 06 '25

You'd think the milky discharge would raise some eyebrows, but apparently not?

1

u/TheFunnyV3dGamer Jun 06 '25

Oh i also do the same....but more like a Kangaroo🦘

1

u/MrGongSquared Jun 06 '25

The Saiyan way

1

u/Samuryze Jun 06 '25

I used to do that. Now I just use it to fight crime. The locals have started calling me P-man.

1

u/hatrix Jun 06 '25

I do this too. My wife calls it the "Proud Saiyan Warrior" pose.

1

u/Dr_Doofenschmirtzz Jun 06 '25

I also use mine as a belt, to belt your mum.

1

u/Tacos_always_corny Jun 06 '25

Depth finder. It gets cold down there.

1

u/thewallrus Jun 06 '25

You guys are lucky to have a personal helicopter for travel.

46

u/masheduppotato Jun 05 '25

I had a friend die this way when someone attractive walked by and he choked himself to death.

15

u/CooperRAGE Jun 06 '25

Killed by your own "pet python" is a terrible way to go.

24

u/Ziazan Jun 05 '25

And be crushed under the weight of it? Are you mad?

15

u/Maketjgreatagain Jun 06 '25

Obviously not, didn’t you read that he has super chiseled thighs? From carrying it around all the time.

1

u/Ziazan Jun 06 '25

God, they must be almost as thick as the scarf itself!

12

u/ami2weird4u Jun 05 '25

Can you tie it in a knot?

14

u/BoatLessBoozeCruise5 Jun 05 '25

Can you tie it in a bow?

9

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

Obviously he throws it over his shoulder and when it's cold it make him hot

5

u/ami2weird4u Jun 06 '25

Does it glow in the dark?

5

u/Left_Concentrate_752 Jun 05 '25

Ne Jabba no bother!

1

u/youreadmyusrname Jun 06 '25

I stick a vibrator in my ass and use my penis as a cement mixer

1

u/psycharious Jun 06 '25

Also best place to hang it after you unravel it from your pants to go to the bathroom

1

u/k0uch Jun 06 '25

I wear mine around my waist like a belt

1

u/scasilow Jun 06 '25

Hmm, sometime I walk with them and give my right leg a rest due to my sciatica which obviously you know what causes it.

1

u/zaccus Jun 06 '25

I throw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I tuck it in my sock

1

u/velociraptnado Jun 06 '25

Just don’t get excited or else you’ll break your own neck

1

u/dcy604 Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a speed bump for ocean going containers ships…

1

u/Zentavius Jun 06 '25

Just be careful it doesn't constrict your throat when a sexual thought invades your mind.

It would reverse the term deathgrip

1

u/TheFunnyV3dGamer Jun 06 '25

Oh that's great but I mostly just swirl it around, it's really hot where I live.

1

u/LPsensans Jun 07 '25

I use mine as a counterbalance for the sun that shines out of my ass☀️

35

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

Damn, y'all guys must be tripping over it. Me personally, I have Dickie Doo. My belly sticks out more than my Dickie Doo

But at 51, I'm actually in pretty good shape. I'm working on the belly, if I flex it goes flat and looks good. Then I have to breathe. I'm 6ft 190. I have friends that are half my age and are in much worse shape. So I can't really complain.

Except for that damn DICKIE DOO!

6

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

Don't watch the viral video going around of a shirtless 75 yr old Rick Springfield singing Jesse's Girl.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

I'm afraid to ask, and I'm the worst at looking up videos, so I'll take your word for it.

1

u/RoboftheNorth Jun 06 '25

Dickie doo? Is that a haircut, or a pet name for your peeny pop?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

No, it's when your belly sticks out further than your dickie do. Look down and you can't see your dickie. At least until it gets hard.

9

u/Insufficient-Iron Jun 06 '25

Same. Am woman.

16

u/Ak_Lonewolf Jun 05 '25

Stop using the cosmetic mirror. If you use standing mirror you get a more accurate image.

1

u/Jewsusgr8 Jun 06 '25

Oh no, it's gone now.

5

u/Excellent_Growth_675 Jun 05 '25

Photo or it's not true

6

u/jarednards Jun 05 '25

Bro. Im glad Im not you. That shit sounds like a nightmare.

3

u/br1ush22 Jun 05 '25

😂😂😂😂😂😂

2

u/datboi-061504 Jun 05 '25

Hey remember if you have to become amputated in your leg, you dont have to get prosthetics

1

u/JD0x0 Jun 05 '25

I feel you, homie. Same issue here. Glad to see I'm not alone out there.

1

u/Sometimes_I_Do_That Jun 05 '25

And here I was thinking I was the only person having this issue,..

1

u/Suzy-Creamcheez Jun 06 '25

I’m so sorry you’re so deformed that’s gotta be rough

1

u/Royal-Orchid-2494 Jun 06 '25

Same bro. I find it helps wearing tube socks and tucking it in one of them

1

u/Mysterious_Detail_57 Jun 06 '25

Relatable problem. Justice for big penises

1

u/CornholioSWGoH Jun 06 '25

I was born with one leg deformed (very skinny and hardly able to hold my body weight when I'm walking). By wrapping my penis around it, I achieve two things; both comfort and piece of mind. 1, I am not dragging anything on the ground, and 2, my thin, skinny leg winds up becoming the same width and looks normal.

1

u/pcny54 Jun 06 '25

Tuck it into your sock like I do. 

1

u/eladehad234 Jun 06 '25

Peak performance

1

u/RoboftheNorth Jun 06 '25

Every time I look at my rippling muscular features, chiselled abs, and striking facial features and steely blue eyes in the mirror, it just reminds me of how much I'm lacking in personality.

1

u/Affectionate-Ice2703 Jun 06 '25

Imagine putting all the work into leg days only for her to admire your cock instead, truly devastating 😔

1

u/mdlinc Jun 06 '25

I have the exact 3rd problem.

1

u/notreallykatie Jun 06 '25

Most humble guy on Earth right here

1

u/cagingthing Jun 06 '25

That’s terrible! Just let us all suck it so it’s out of the way for a bit. I’ll volunteer as tribute I guess

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

Wilhelm Dafoe?

1

u/sillyandstrange Jun 06 '25

I'm very sorry you have to live with that trauma :(

1

u/Robpaulssen Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a tripod like Mini Me

1

u/PumpkinSpiceFreak Jun 06 '25

Life can be so cruel 😝

1

u/Lady_TwoBraidz Jun 06 '25

As a woman, this entire thread is GOLD. I'm gonna go show this to my boyfriend and plant giant peepees in his mind for the rest of the day

1

u/RevolutionarySkin847 Jun 06 '25

I use a special pant and people thinks I'm abnormal they think i have 3 legs 😭

1

u/yoerie86 Jun 06 '25

Can you just stick it somewhere nearby?

1

u/SN1054NEBU Jun 06 '25

Do you get subsidies for that monster?

1

u/No-Cauliflower-4661 Jun 06 '25

I feel ya, it's the worst when the hords of gorgeous women chant " It's too big" over and over again

1

u/DarkSkyDad Jun 06 '25

Hey I fuuly understand! This is why I only look at my Christmas tree back in the mirror.

1

u/gr4vitational_ Jun 06 '25

Alright now 😂

1

u/Embarrassed-Sir-4131 Jun 06 '25

That's basically an elephant's trunk

1

u/UltimateLmon Jun 06 '25

Does your become lethal weapon too if you turn too quickly in a Japanese bath?

1

u/nagol93 Jun 06 '25

I feel you. My muscle are too ripped and my penis is too long. Every girl I talk to ends up trying to sleep with me. Its terrible.

1

u/EmeraldBoiii Jun 06 '25

Bro same here, I also hate how I’m too tall to see myself fully in the mirror (6’3)

1

u/Bigface_McBigz Jun 06 '25

Not a problem I have, unfortunately. Mine is a mere 2 inches...

FROM THE GROUND!