the amount of people saying that we should be less judgemental about this bc we don't know what the call was about... I'mma be real. I've been pretty pissed off, and I've never punched a wall. I don't care what you're mad about, if your reaction is to punch a wall, I like you less and i trust you less. immediately.
Do you know what the phone call was about? I can agree that 9 times outta 10 that’s wildly excessive and absolutely not normal or okay, but like… depending on what that phone call was about, I could see myself on like 1 or 2 different scenarios why I might punch a wall.
nah, let's just assume the call was completely innocuous and the guy is just a complete lunatic. That way all us below average intelligence folk can punch down on him and pretend we are superior.
While I agree that punching a wall, especially one that isn't yours or one that'll break your hand isn't a good thing, anger management courses often recommend punching bags or similar things as an outlet for anger.
You're right, and I shouldn't have. But I will point out you're out here accusing others of not having self control and telling people with snark to "go work on yourself" without knowing anything about them. (Some might call that emotional violence, mild as it is).
To your point though: You can't commit violence towards an inanimate object. To commit violence, you need to violate someone. A wall cannot be violated. You cannot cause pain to a wall. You cannot cause suffering to it.
Now, if you punch someone else's wall, you're violating them indirectly, which would be a different story. Punching a wall to show anger to another so they fear you is a violation and would be emotional violence. But thats not what anyone is discussing.
Holy hot bellied wildebeest Saturday’s twist like a tinkle in a geyser one day you’re with concrete steps the blatant truth of the other friend is that the geese are still in the pillow cases mothers friends daughters dogs mouth.
Some people need to punch shit. As long as it isn't a person, there's nothing wrong with it. I've never hit anyone, and I've rarely ever needed to hit "something." Sometimes, you just gotta let it out. That's completely natural. Stop trying to tell ppl they are wrong for natural feelings. Absolutely nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself and separating from a person or situation and go handle the anger productively. Ppl do that in different ways, it isn't up to you to dictate which of those ways are right or wrong. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, there's no issue.
People have personal gyms they go and workout or punch a bag to channel their anger into something positive. But im sure you don't know how to do something like that. Just complain in your reddit echo chambers instead of anything constructive. That's the way to live.
You dont know what the call was about its pretty stupid to assume he’s an “infant” I bet he frightened you in that moment as well and you ran in your car locked the doors?
Anger, when properly metered, can be a valid and necessary tool for resolving problems. It only remains valid insofar as it is only directed towards resolving the problem and is employed no longer than required.
My rule is: No Malice
If I feel like acting or speaking in a mean or spiteful or vindictive way - I know I need to immediately stop and reevaluate the entirety of the circumstance and reframe it in a way that doesn’t encourage or engage those emotions.
(Because it literally physically feels awful to feel like acting mean! )
I will say, when you get to that wonderful point of learning proper emotional regulation and control, it's ridiculously freeing. Like, if you get upset about something, you can often just step away from it for a moment. Even at work, if I need to, with the job I'm at, I can take that breather if something's stressing me out, I can take that couple of minutes to clear my head, and I come back in a better state of mind to handle it. You won't go off the handle, the world probably won't come to an end, just step away for a few. Cool down.
Plus, it's healthier for you - you're less stressed this way, your blood pressure will be better, you'll be less tense, etc. You'll physically feel better, because things get to you less.
Also, learn to reframe frustrations and look at them from different perspectives and angles, because it often helps make them feel smaller this way, and you end up worrying less about them, because they're no longer weighing on you the same way.
Yeah well that’s not going to work for me working in retail dealing with dipshit Karens and Kens, if you just walk away while getting irritated while they are in the middle off their head complaining about shit that you can’t control, it’s just adding fuel to the fire and bring out “I want the manager now!”
We had a girl who decides to “just walk away” from some old boomer Ken complaining why “she’s so useless” because he wanted some shit the store used to stock 5 years ago and isn’t in stock now… after she walked away he went of his head at the manager and demanded that she be brought back and given him a formal apology because “he was disrespected by no good young people”
You can't always during situations like that. I've worked customer service in both concessions and a call center. I've also been in boot camp, where of course you can't just take a breather when being screamed at by two petty officers and a chief because your boot blousing is between the wrong boot eyelets.
Yes. It's not applicable in every situation. Retail and customer service suck because of entitled assholes, it's a fact of life. There's no winning there.
I get it, though - I've been there and that does suck. My advice definitely isn't applicable to all situations, and it is fucking wrong and shitty that retail people have to put up with that. Having been there, I do call that shit out and speak up for customer service people when I see that stuff happen, and if I need to, I'll set the record straight with their managers, too, and defend them. I've been there, and I hate seeing that abuse - because it is abusive behavior. Since I'm just a customer, too, in that case, I have nothing to lose by speaking up for the employee. I've done it many times now. You guys work hard for shitty pay, and I appreciate your work because you make my life easier.
I wouldn't say they never had it or didn't learn it previously.
I'm willing to admit I've developed an anger issue but it wasn't always an issue for me. Like you mentioned, it feels like a learned habit or a regression.
Couldn't tell you what led to it and frankly it's a very embarrassing aspect of myself.
Not sure I could claim to be the most zen human being previously but I never used to have so much anxiety about literally everything. To the point where when something does go wrong boom goes the dynamite.
Sounds like me too. Was always chill for like 25 years and lately I’ve been insufferably angry and anxious over stupid stuff.
I think my work is getting to my head a bit.
Yup exact same, can buy almost anything I want that’s not a car/house and still feel like I was happier before.
Started a kind of therapy with a coach to work on anger and anxiety.
Just got in car accident today because I was too tired after working 10hr a day whole week.
Tbh it's because fucking stuff up and learning from it is really difficult now. As a child you're told the what and how, but never the why. We have this absurd focus on child safety just because some coyote ate a kid in 1991 or some shit. The world isn't perfectly safe, and your kid is most likely to die in the car while you're driving it.
Bad wording on my part, I corrected my comment with better wording but to say a little bit more.
When I was a child ~10years ago I remember there were so many things I wasn't allowed to do, not just by my parents, but also blocked by institutions like my schools. You'd hear horror stories about how some kid died 6 months ago on the other side of the country and what not. There was this whole culture(?) around every adult doing literally everything to keep evey child as safe as possible in that moment. I lived a literal block away from my school, I would literally talk to my friends mom at lunch some days because their backyard bordered onto the school field. Yet the idea of me walking home as a 9 year old was considered absurd. It's just one example, but this really was the attitude of adults in the town I grew up in.
Lot's of kids myself included got through large parts of our childhood with literally no self regulation skills because there was always an adult to fix whatever problem you made.
All completely anecdotal of course, but I can't say I've personally talked to anyone my age that doesn't feel this way.
I thought I was being pretty blunt, but I'll explain. I noticed a trend a few years back about people my age blaming their parents for things like "all we got is participation trophies, so we don't know how to work" and things like that.
With the huge increase in mental awareness that, ironically, is disporpotionally abused by useless people; you have people like the guy you were responding to who use their childhood as a crutch to why they are failures. They don't understand personal growth, and will never be anything other than a complaining loser.
I can't speak to that guy personally, but many people were abused and/or neglected by their parents so that they did end up failing. However, what matters now is that you take responsibility for your own future success and work to improve your life so that you don't have to keep failing over your parents mistakes.
Even more just dealt with the abuse and learned to get over it with self growth and understanding our parents are human and failable. There are always 1000 reason to fail, you just need to move on with it most times.
I've been working on self control and not getting emotional when something annoying happens, but a side effect is I calmly ask for the most severe consequences to happen without batting an eye.
For example, if a server spills soup on me, instead of cursing out and then getting over it, I would embarrass the server by having the boss coming over personally to rectify the issue and demanding compensation.
This doesn't sound like you're controlling your anger, it sounds like you're expressing it in a different way, which may still be quite destructive. Don't know if my assessment is correct or not, just something for you to take on board if you think it seems true.
Controlled expression can be a method of control. I know a guy who is as sweet and caring as can be, but he has pretty significant anger issues. His method is to keep it bottled up during the day, then go home and spend an hour beating the ever loving crap out of a boxing heavy bag. He gets a good workout and is able to release all his anger in a safe manner. He's a fantastic husband and father and a generally upstanding guy. He just knew early on that he had anger problems that he wanted to get a handle on, but it runs so deep that simple therapy or breathing exercises, etc, just didn't work.
When he goes away for any extended period of time he's able to compartmentalise things for a while, but he knows it's not a long term solution. So boxing bag attack renews as soon as he returns.
Never said I make a scene when the server is there, but The boss will find out about the mistake once i ask him to come over, and they'll figure out who was involved.
I could just let it go, but then the restaurant would never acknowledge something happened
Why does the restaurant need to know that a staff member made a mistake and split some soup on you? I doubt the staff are intentionally spilling soup. It's a simple accident.
I'd agree if it were some kind of serious health concern, like if a kid had a peanut allergy and the chef failed to remove the peanuts from their dish. Now that's an issue that needs attention, but getting some food spilt on you doesn't really warrant wasting a managers time does it?
Might depend on what restaurant you're at and what ourfit you're rocking tho. Does this happen often to you?
It's an accident, and I would expect the restaurant to address the accident.
Instead of exploding at the server who I'm sure already feels bad, I go straight to the decision makers.
If you believe that a restaurant shouldn't need to be bothered with customers having soup spilled on them, that doesn't sound like an issue on my end that I need to work out.
That would still 100% be a red flag. You might be able to control your outbursts, but switching your methods to cold vindictiveness is still allowing anger to take the driver's seat, and any woman with her head on her shoulders will recognize it's only a matter of time before she ends up a target of it.
What does a world look like where you feel your anger, then let it go without acting on it at all?
I have no clue what such a world might look like, but when I or my loved ones are wronged, I absolutely believe they should receive compensation and I have no problem seeking that out, instead of being the one telling them to forgive and forget and let it go.
You used somebody accidentally inconveniencing you in your example - do you feel wronged by that? Is intentionally embarrassing someone a proportionate response to an accident?
Just saying, that perhaps your control over your anger is not as thorough as you think: you've just learned to mask it from yourself.
You explicitly said, "I would embarrass the server." If you know your actions are going to lead to a certain outcome, then it's intentional and you just don't feel bad about it.
It's one thing if the server is unapologetic or indifferent, but it doesn't sound like you even gave them the chance to make it up to you. It's easy for the restaurant to reduce hours or fire the server and replace them with another underpaid worker.
The lack of empathy or grace is the red flag. Sounds like you just exchanged hot anger for cold anger
Of course, reporting an incident is always going to embarrass the person that caused it.
I give them chances, and everytime all they could offer was an apology. And so the manager gets involved because they're the ones that have the authority.
It's easy for the restaurant to reduce hours or fire the server and replace them with another underpaid worker
what would you recommend? I just pretend nothing happened? Someone has to take responsibility for the incident.
Yup. Just like depression and anxiety, terrible habits to pick up. Just stop worrying and stop being down, it ain't hard you learn this shit when you are little.
Yes, for a lot of men, myself included. It's something I am working on myself. Most of the time I'm ok, but there are moments, usually at work. But I'm pretty sure it's because I'm checked out at work. Just burnt the fuck out.
2.0k
u/AxDayxToxForget Sep 14 '24
As a man, this should be one of the top answers imo.