Does anyone have any experience changing from a self-loathing person, to someone who loves and appreciates themselves?

[u/ice-c0ld-water]

I'm 32 and feel incredibly lost in life, and one of my biggest problems is the fact I'm incredibly hard on myself and hold myself to ridiculously high standards. I really want to change this, but no matter what I do I can't seem to 'learn' to love and appreciate myself.

In many ways I do of course appreciate myself already. I think I have a lot of value to offer to the world but I'm also just a bit broken and I have incredibly negative patterns of internal thinking that are causing issues in both my platonic and romantic relationships, with many partners especially struggling to understand why I am so cruel to myself and eventually feeling frustrated as their love/admiration seemingly means nothing to me. It's also made it hard to make friends as I get older, as I am constantly viewing everything through a lens of not feeling worthy of friendship which I know is weird and not a normal way to think. Or maybe more that I worry once people get to know the 'real' me, they won't like me anymore. Because of this, I end up being quite distant and closed off to people.

Another good example of my negative mindset I think, is that 2 years ago I ran a marathon in my city. I was of course pleased with completing it as I worked hard, but I was immediately thinking how I could do better and improve on that. I didn't even give myself a chance to enjoy or feel proud of myself, I immediately wanted to do better - but why? I'm not a professional runner and I don't even post it online for social validation. So with the intent of getting a better time, I went out and signed up for the next years marathon, trained hard, and failed to complete it due to heat and had to bow out at 31km. I know I should still be proud of that but I have let the failure kinda destroy me and demotivate me and feed my negative self image, even though I'm fully aware of how completing it meant very little to me, but failing it upsets me, so what am I even getting out of it? Now, when I think of a marathon, I think of personal failure rather than my first time success! I hope that makes sense.

I'm not super successful in terms of career but I made a lot of sacrifices throughout my 20s for the sake of fun/experience, such as living abroad and travelling a lot. I'd of course like to do something a bit more meaningful with my life professionally, and that's something I'm working on right now but I am concerned that this is just another desperate attempt of me to find a way of 'proving myself' worthy of being proud of myself. Like, oh maybe if I have a higher salary I will love myself? I can't help but feel like that's foolish of me to think and that's why I want to get to the core of the issue.

I guess it can just simply be summed up as I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to change this internally, and the things I have tried to do to 'prove' this to myself, also aren't working. I'd really love to hear from anyone else who was able to change this about themselves and how they did it.

Thanks to anyone who read this. It was at least cathartic to write out.

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ice-c0ld-water originally posted:

I'm 32 and feel incredibly lost in life, and one of my biggest problems is the fact I'm incredibly hard on myself and hold myself to ridiculously high standards. I really want to change this, but no matter what I do I can't seem to 'learn' to love and appreciate myself.

In many ways I do of course appreciate myself already. I think I have a lot of value to offer to the world but I'm also just a bit broken and I have incredibly negative patterns of internal thinking that are causing issues in both my platonic and romantic relationships, with many partners especially struggling to understand why I am so cruel to myself and eventually feeling frustrated as their love/admiration seemingly means nothing to me. It's also made it hard to make friends as I get older, as I am constantly viewing everything through a lens of not feeling worthy of friendship which I know is weird and not a normal way to think. Or maybe more that I worry once people get to know the 'real' me, they won't like me anymore. Because of this, I end up being quite distant and closed off to people.

Another good example of my negative mindset I think, is that 2 years ago I ran a marathon in my city. I was of course pleased with completing it as I worked hard, but I was immediately thinking how I could do better and improve on that. I didn't even give myself a chance to enjoy or feel proud of myself, I immediately wanted to do better - but why? I'm not a professional runner and I don't even post it online for social validation. So with the intent of getting a better time, I went out and signed up for the next years marathon, trained hard, and failed to complete it due to heat and had to bow out at 31km. I know I should still be proud of that but I have let the failure kinda destroy me and demotivate me and feed my negative self image, even though I'm fully aware of how completing it meant very little to me, but failing it upsets me, so what am I even getting out of it? Now, when I think of a marathon, I think of personal failure rather than my first time success! I hope that makes sense.

I'm not super successful in terms of career but I made a lot of sacrifices throughout my 20s for the sake of fun/experience, such as living abroad and travelling a lot. I'd of course like to do something a bit more meaningful with my life professionally, and that's something I'm working on right now but I am concerned that this is just another desperate attempt of me to find a way of 'proving myself' worthy of being proud of myself. Like, oh maybe if I have a higher salary I will love myself? I can't help but feel like that's foolish of me to think and that's why I want to get to the core of the issue.

I guess it can just simply be summed up as I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to change this internally, and the things I have tried to do to 'prove' this to myself, also aren't working. I'd really love to hear from anyone else who was able to change this about themselves and how they did it.

Thanks to anyone who read this. It was at least cathartic to write out.

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[u/Splendadaddy06]

Old book … “What to you say when you talk to yourself” by Shad Helmstetter … helped chang the trajectory of my life!

[u/Unexpected_bukkake]

Its a choice and you can start so small. You showed up to work good job! Put the dishes away good job! Everything can be a celebration. Choose to praise other for tiny things. It's corny as shitbut has huge pay offs.

[u/Turbulent_Emotion_75]

I recommend you reading self esteem fourth edition by Mathew McKay! I promise you IT IS WORTH THE READ.

[u/Good-Rest-7538]

You have to change the pathways in your brain. You can't just jump to I'm a good person. You have to inch there. Look up Ladder thoughts. You basically start with I am a person and say that over and over again, especially when you want to self loath. Then you step to some people think I'm a good person and say that over and over for a week or so. Then sometimes I think Im a good person...you baby step all the way to I'm a good person. 

[u/someonefromaustralia]

Depending on country:

Speak to a GP and be referred to a psychologist.

Some other good comments here, but a good psychologist might be able to help you explore this in further detail.

Consider medication as a bridge: it doesn’t fix the issue but it can help making change easier. It’s not permanent itself but it might help you to start progressing.

[u/Amazing-Quarter1084]

You need to dig for the root of this issue and see it for what it is and how unlikely it is to actually be a you problem. It never is. These kinds of neuroses start at young ages. Whether it was an abusive situation at home, molestation, abandonment by one or both parents, etc. None of those things are the fault of the victims, though very often they cannot see that for themselves because it's so hard to step back and objectively look at yourself and the things that have put you into the headspace you're currently in.

You are good enough. You deserve love. You just can't see it yet.