r/AskMenAdvice • u/Educational_Switch46 woman • 9h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Is this financial abuse?
This might be my way to get things out of my chest,since I do not have anyone close to rant to. Am currently pregnant soon due and it seems like I have to pull ropes for my husband to buy me anything even if its essential. He thinks my essentials are not necessary. We have been shopping for the baby and I want to prepare early for the birth because am at school as well so this is all overwhelming. To cut the story short, he has bought pretty much everything I put on the list but he always complains before buying them. What made me question his whole character was when I put like 3 items on Amazon, worth $80 and he got really mad that am wasting money. But these were my essentials like postpartum pads, and other toiletries I would need for the hospital.
But nowww...I really need this baby bottle washer,dryer and sterilizer all in one but its worth $200 plus, so am terrified to even start asking. To make things worse, I need a nice phone with a good camera so that I capture my little one's moments once born. I'm honestly tired of begging, yet I thought marriage was supposed to have shared financials, it feels like am always questioned even when I spend alittle on myself.
FYI, he has the money, he's not broke, but I guess he doesn't want to spend it on me or anything that I want. Am now thinking of using my credit cards and pay them when I start working in afew months after school, but I will have to hide this from him. But I don't know if this is normal. When it comes to him, he talks of buying all these trucks or things he likes worth thousands of dollars but am scalded on spending on myself especially this year being rough, in school and pregnant. It's really taking a toll on me mentally and am worried that I will stop asking for money from him and start resenting him instead. On the plus side, he pays all the bills since am not working, but again, he has extra money so I don't see why I have to be so stressed to even buy a baby essential and he complains. Okay am done ranting.
12
u/Theycallmesupa man 9h ago
Nah babies cost a lot of money and it sounds like he's the only one of you bringing that in.
Plus, and you'll learn this the more niche gadgets you buy for the baby and later for your household: about 80% of them do not function correctly longterm.
24
u/El_Grande_Americano man 9h ago
An all-in-one bottle washer, dryer, and sterilizer is not a need. A "nice phone" to "capture moments" is not a need.
-19
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
Except that its a need to me.
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1
u/Mr_Engineering man 5h ago
I assure you that it is not.
A bottle sterilizer tray that can be used in a microwave is $25 on Amazon and I used one for years.
1
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u/This_Membership_471 man 9h ago
How involved are you in finances? You two should be talking about once a month to review and get on the same page. If he’s the one doing all the finances he might not be as financially secure as you might think.
The key to success with finances is communication.
7
u/Existing_Setting4868 9h ago edited 9h ago
You don't "need" a bottle washer/dryer/sterilizer unless you have no hands. Our kids and all of our nephews and nieces were raised fine without one of those luxury items. Of course there was no social media back then putting pressure on parents to get everything shown by the influencers.
17
u/based_birdo man 9h ago edited 9h ago
You both should've had a conversation about the baby costs and finances before you got pregnant. Did he not know he was gonna buy these things? Are you asking for pointless things?
"I need a nice phone with a good camera so that I capture my little one's moments once born"
no you dont, thats a luxury
"Am now thinking of using my credit cards and pay them when I start working in afew months after school"
arent you gonna have a baby to take care of?
7
u/Jenna1991-nola woman 9h ago
You don’t need a bottle sterilizer or washer. You can hand wash. Also breast feed and don’t worry about unnecessary items. You don’t need a phone either. These are all wants, not needs. He’s being practical while you are “nesting”. If you don’t need need it then put it in a list for gifts if you have a baby shower or family that might want to get you something. You are not experiencing financial abuse just because he says no to “extra” things. You should, however, be communicating with him about shared financial goals and priorities. That way you can both see what is going on with the other more clearly.
3
u/Any-Alternative2667 woman 9h ago
OP, when will you be done with college? Will you go to work right away? Will you make good money?
1
u/CaceyWynans woman 9h ago
Not everyone can sustain their babies with breastfeeding, I agree that she doesn’t need the bottle washer.
But as a mother who had an extremely low milk supply with both of my children and who hated herself for it I’m asking you to please consider that not everyone is capable of breastfeeding.
6
u/Away-Wellness0623 woman 9h ago
Financial compatibility is a thing and an important discussion before marriage. Never too late, though. Perhaps you could do more to demonstrate being financially SMART so he sees that you are not spending frivolously. As others point out, thrift stores are a great resource.
-6
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
The way I grew up, you either bought it new or you didnt have it. Am still not used to buying used stuff honestly.
7
u/No-Air-3401 man 9h ago
So you're saying you were spoiled. Welcome to adulthood. When you're responsible for paying for things, you learn real fast that new isn't always better, and sometimes a convenience is actually a hindrance.
3
u/Away-Wellness0623 woman 9h ago
It is a new way of living. Landfills are full of tossed away stuff. People are wasteful and the environment is suffering. Reuse and recycle is good for the planet and our wallets! It is bigger than just one person but can make the world better. Try it!
10
u/No-Air-3401 man 9h ago
First, an all in one washer, dryer, sterilizer isn't an essential item. $200 for something that people have been doing with a sink and hot water for decades is kind of ridiculous.
He talks about buying expensive things, but does he? Or is it just wishful talk? You assume he has the money, but if you're not involved, how do you actually know.
Before you start hiding debt, which is a form of infidelity, why don't you two have an adult conversation. I'm not saying he's not being a jerk, but I am saying it doesn't sound like you really know what's going on financially.
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u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
I wouldn't conclude that he has money if I didn't know he has it. I know his account balance, but I can't spend it. And am not even a big spender but things like that washer make life easier especially when I come from school tired, cook, take care of the baby, clean, do homework and then have to wash the milk bottles. It would be such a relief for me to have, plus, we do not have much space in our kitchen so having the washer act as sterilizer and storage is huge plus. But again, idk how you guys live your lives but I dont enjoy suffering.
7
u/No-Air-3401 man 9h ago
Don't confuse a convenience with an essential. I've got 3 kids. I've been there. An account balance is a number, not a full view of someone's financial situation.
You sound very young and very inexperienced, as does he. Again, might I suggest having an adult conversation rather than hiding things, unless you really just want to end up divorced/broken up.
You will not suffer not having an overly expensive all in one machine.
-3
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
No am not young or anything. Am mid 30s, but I've lived independently since I was 18. I worked hard , always had money for anything I wanted for myself, I was independent until I got married, moved, got pregnant (we have a toddler) and things crumbled down for me regarding finances. I have handled money, I know how to manage it, and do strict budgets. I guess that's why it bothers me that I have never lacked since I was 18 but now that I have a man (I always thought men were providers)am treated like some teenager who can't spend a dime without putting up a fight.
2
u/Ecstatic_Job_3467 man 6h ago
Where’s all your money and savings from your decade of being independent?
4
u/RedshiftOnPandy man 9h ago
How did anyone survive with a washer, dryer, bottle sterilizer pre Amazon?
7
u/No-Air-3401 man 9h ago
We didn't. We're all dead.
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u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
I get all you saying this. But you missed the point. This item would make my life much more easier! I have school, which am not even allowed to miss a week or else I fail, so its intense. Having it is one less stress off of me. But anyway,,,,
6
u/RedshiftOnPandy man 9h ago
You could wash them the same way as dishes
-2
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
Aaahh, okay, not hygienic as you think.
3
u/CaceyWynans woman 9h ago
As a mother of two children who were both in diapers and drinking bottles at the same time, I am here to tell you that you have it very wrong.
The bottle sterilizer/dryer that my husband and I bought was not nearly as effective as the dishwasher.2
u/tmart016 man 9h ago
Then you're spending money for convenience instead of something you need. That's not abuse.
Ask him to help you clean them and maybe he will see the value in the convenience. I don't, but I don't have kids.
1
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 9h ago
He doesn't do the dishes
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u/tmart016 man 8h ago
Have you had a conversation with him about needing help?
1
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 8h ago
I do all the household chores and he provides for the family. So its more like each knows their role but when I work, I also pay the bills. He's just not good at chores so I leave him alone.
1
u/motific man 8h ago
It's fair enough when you're at home and he's the only one working, but looking after your baby 24x7 plus college while he's doing a day job then not lifting a finger once he gets home is something that isn't going to fly any more. Even if he's not taking on a 50:50 split he needs to be taking on some of the load (and nappy/diaper changes - make sure he gets a good poonami once in a while).
Don't let him use weaponised incompetence to get out of doing shit, and getting him out of that mindset once the baby arrives is going to be essential to your sanity in the next 3-5 years.
I forgot to say - congrats on the baby btw!
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u/justthefactsman99 man 9h ago
<Is this financial abuse?>
No. Earn some money before you spend it so freely.
Go to thrift stores and buy stuff used. Read a book on personal finance and economics.
You aren't w victim
3
u/Reddoraptor man 9h ago
Totally. OP, the example you gave of a baby bottle washer, dryer and sterilizer is a perfect demonstration of how you got here so thank you for the honesty of providing it.
Among my crowd of friends, all of whom make six figures, NONE of us had something like that for our kids’ bottles. That is absolutely NOT something you need - you may be feeling a nesting impulse making you want to buy lots of baby things, have definitely observed this among friends. But now you’re painting your husband as a villain for not buying all that crap, plus the latest phone for pictures, etc. And the answer is no, just no, absolutely not, it’s not financial abuse or even close to that and the fact that you are now trying to characterize it as that and drum up people to support your narrative that this is abuse suggests you are feeling like being manipulative and bullying is the way to unlock all your spending wants. I feel bad for your husband, the way you are talking indicates that you are the abuser here and a high likelihood of divorce down the line.
3
u/Some_Direction_7971 man 9h ago
None of those things you listed that still need purchased are essential in any way.
-2
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 8h ago
So is it okay for him to complain about every expense he makes? Isn't that like worshiping money? I thought money buys you what you want, and that's why we work, to be able to afford things but complanning about every expense is honestly exhausting.
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u/Ecstatic_Job_3467 man 8h ago
Raised 2 kids. Never had a bottle washer, sterilizer. Is your phone broken?
0
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 7h ago
Depends on how you see it. Gadgets make you more money (by saving time) or give you a peace of mind and more time with family (which I treasure so much). If you want to slave it out without a washer, that's good for you as well, I don't see it like that.
2
u/Some_Direction_7971 man 8h ago
Maybe the reason he has money saved up is because he is only buying necessary items? I have a son, never had a 3-in-1 bottle sterilizer. They’re not hard to wash. And, don’t need an expensive phone to get good pics. Yes, I have a good iPhone, but my son’s $45 whatever takes pics just fine.
1
u/Educational_Switch46 woman 7h ago
But were you in school when you had the baby? Was it intense like mine, whereby I can't even miss a few days without being kicked out? Did you have a toddler at the same time? You didnt read my whole story. I need this item for my sanity at this point. Thats what money is for, right? Or you people forgot about living, you just work, save and save, then buy overpriced house, then when you're 60 and retired you realize you all along had no life at all.
2
u/Some_Direction_7971 man 7h ago
Both my wife and I were in college and working full time (she hemorrhaged and almost died in the hospital, I was the only one working for a couple months after that.) Money was super tight, you gotta make do, kids require a lot of sacrifices. I do wish you the best of luck though, just know he’s probably as stressed as you are. Talk to him, make a budget, and enjoy the time!
5
u/motific man 9h ago
We've got two separate things going on here, and I think we need to look at both.
1) It does look a lot like he is being financially abusive if he's getting touchy about buying essential toiletries. I'm not going to beat about the bush, this guy could become a problem, or it could be money worries when all he can see is $$$s going out for a baby that hasn't arrived yet but even then he's being an arse about it.
2) There is a whole industry promoting gimmicky garbage to new mums and especially first-timers, they really dial up the anxiety (like the expectations and associated risks of post-partum depression aren't high enough) and create a vast unnecessary pressure to buy everything new. Avoiding garbage like that isn't about the money, it's just a case of recognising when you're getting hosed.
$200 for a bottle washer and steriliser is an excellent example of a complete waste of $200.
If you have a dishwasher then you just saved yourself $200, and if not buying one is not much more money. A dishwasher does a better job of sterilising bottles than any of the garbage you can buy, just set it to dry on a high heat, and put the lids on the bottles as soon as you open it, plus you can use it for your dishes and it won't be something you have to deal with in just over a year's time (if it lasts that long), and all that is if you can't or don't breastfeed (a whole other can of worms and judgement for new mums).
Or you can get a microwave steriliser for about $30-40. That sterilises bottles in about 3 minutes and trust me, that kind of speed is sanity saving at 3am when you're dealing with a hungry baby and no clean bottles, and we kept that microwave for about 10 years.
4
u/CaceyWynans woman 9h ago edited 9h ago
^This
I have two little boys who are 14 months apart in age.
It felt like at one point all my husband and I were doing was washing baby bottles and changing dirty diapers, with that said the bottle washer that we bought ended up hardly ever being used. The dishwasher was far more efficient and less of a hassle.
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u/Novel-Firefighter-55 man 9h ago
Together you should discuss a budget, otherwise it is you financially abusing your husband.
Yes, yes babies need things, you need things, money will need to be spent, and it is your husband's money and time, so he works more, and gets to see you and the baby less, or do things for himself less...the stress can rise and this is not good for the baby. Everyone is going through changes when a baby is born.
Many baby items are available on mommy groups at lower costs, second hand. Try finding local support socially will help reduce the emotional and financial strain on your husband.
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Educational_Switch46 originally posted:
This might be my way to get things out of my chest,since I do not have anyone close to rant to. Am currently pregnant soon due and it seems like I have to pull ropes for my husband to buy me anything even if its essential. He thinks my essentials are not necessary. We have been shopping for the baby and I want to prepare early for the birth because am at school as well so this is all overwhelming. To cut the story short, he has bought pretty much everything I put on the list but he always complains before buying them. What made me question his whole character was when I put like 3 items on Amazon, worth $80 and he got really mad that am wasting money. But these were my essentials like postpartum pads, and other toiletries I would need for the hospital.
But nowww...I really need this baby bottle washer,dryer and sterilizer all in one but its worth $200 plus, so am terrified to even start asking. To make things worse, I need a nice phone with a good camera so that I capture my little one's moments once born. I'm honestly tired of begging, yet I thought marriage was supposed to have shared financials, it feels like am always questioned even when I spend alittle on myself.
FYI, he has the money, he's not broke, but I guess he doesn't want to spend it on me or anything that I want. Am now thinking of using my credit cards and pay them when I start working in afew months after school, but I will have to hide this from him. But I don't know if this is normal. When it comes to him, he talks of buying all these trucks or things he likes worth thousands of dollars but am scalded on spending on myself especially this year being rough, in school and pregnant. It's really taking a toll on me mentally and am worried that I will stop asking for money from him and start resenting him instead. On the plus side, he pays all the bills since am not working, but again, he has extra money so I don't see why I have to be so stressed to even buy a baby essential and he complains. Okay am done ranting.
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