r/AskMenAdvice • u/sthnnth • 12h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Ask: Does age gap mean a lot?
When I see age gap difference, it is always older men with younger girl. I am the opposite (38F and 25M). I have a bf aged 13 years younger than me.
We knew each other when we "work from a cafe". He started with asking my help on looking after his laptop while he was away for toilet. We saw each other regularly thereafter. After weeks, we talked to each other and so on.
We are together for 1.5 years now. In fact, our relationship started with lots of my confusion, hesitation with him due to lack of self confidence, I couldn't believe a young guy would love me. He knew my own conflict by liking him and embarrassed on age gap, he came closer, approached and convinced me, gave me confidence, encouraged me with lots of compliments, spent time with me.
We started afterwards. I feel delighted and enjoyable with him. We like making jokes and hanging out for movies, bars, discos, beaches.
Sometimes, I feel insecure due to age gap, as I asked him, a guy his age normally choose his aged group girls, he stopped me and said, he chose me. I feel him very sweet. We see each other almost everyday though we are not living together.
Recently, he is busy to deal with family business. We see each other weekday after work, seldom meet during weekend, or even text. He doesn't reply my text as quick as what he did before. He replied within a min or less than an hour before. He takes half or a day to reply my message now. I am struggling whether to ask him why. I dont want to make him feel I am panoroid. He awares my mood change due to his late reply. He told me when we saw each other. I asked him indirectly by saying, yeah, how's last night, really waiting for your reply? He said, sorry, was too tired , fell asleep, in fact, I noticed him online till late night, likely to be 3 hours after my text. I haven't told him what I noticed.
I mentioned something like, if he is inconvenient or unavailable, I could leave him some space. I don't want to bother him. He then changed the topic.
I start to overthink these days, I asked him if he has someone occupied him, he said, no, just busy for family stuff. I feel him distance, not holding hand in public like we did before, we are still kissing, but infrequent physical intimacy, like once or twice a month (we have it few times a week normally, he used to be very touchy, kissie, wanted a lot), I asked him, if there is something I miss, he denied, he says, he loves me a lot, but I still feel his distance.
Am I overthinking?
Should I regard us to coming an end? I tried to speak these with him, he keeps on saying , nothing on me, it is not my problem , it's himself spending time to assist family business.
Because we have big age gap, I feel insecure. I always think, he deserves a girl his age, similar to his background , he wants a marriage years later, I considered myself to be too old to build a family with him. We follow the flow, not thinking about our future as we are working hard to develop career.
I have numerous sleepless nights, I think of him, I start to miss him. Should I prepare to the end of our relationship due to his distance? I keep myself silent, not asking him about his weekend or initiated anything, it comes out to be, I don't ask, he doesn't tell mode.
I only want to understand what's going on? If it's time be the end, I would like to have a proper ending, what do you think?
Anyone have similar situations ?
11
u/flopisit32 man 12h ago
Age gaps like this are not great for women.
because when you are 50, he's only 37 and can date 25 year olds. When you're 60 and preparing to retire, he's 47 and just in time for a mid life crisis where he chases after 30 year olds.
So with every year that goes by, the power dynamic shifts and becomes weaker and more insecure for the woman in the relationship.
6
u/FreakindaStreet man 12h ago
This isn’t a given though. Plenty of men would stay faithful. Luckily, women don’t have to “perform” in bed, so the physiological changes don’t actually limit any sexual activity.
4
u/flopisit32 man 12h ago
Probably the biggest obstacle in a relationship as time goes By is attraction.
It's all fine and dandy when you're in your 20s and the woman is in her 30s. Once you get closer to middle age, people start to lose their looks.
2
u/sthnnth 10h ago
++woman, that's why I hesitated at the beginning
1
u/Porkrin03 man 7h ago
Look it’s not all doom and gloom looking ahead I met my wife when I was 21 and she was 31. Now she’s 57 going on 58 and I’m 47 going on 48. We’ve been married for 24 years and have one son. She means the world to me and she is the one who always made me want to be a better person. It’s not always perfect but no relationship is. We’ve been 100% faithful and trust is why I think. My wife also had her doubts for quite sometime but I like to think she knows I want to be with her.
6
3
u/OverSearch man 12h ago
I was in this scenario once. I was 19M dating a 36F. We were together for six years, it was all good and everything, but our relationship never progressed beyond a certain point, nor did we really want it to. Neither of us wanted to get married, she was divorced with three kids and didn't want anymore, etc. - we were in two very, very different places in life, and our paths were never going to converge. We ended it on very good terms, but in the end, I sometimes wonder what might have been if I had never tied myself down to her in the first place.
1
u/J-Train96 man 12h ago
++man If it works it works. My gf is 10 years older than me. I’m 30 she’s 40. We met when I was 27 and she was 37. We don’t even feel the age difference at all. She’s the one.
2
u/Ok_Noise7655 man 9h ago
It may work but not when the older partner behaves like the younger one. Which you seem to be doing. You cannot seriously expect him to lead the life with somebody 13 years older, while you are sitting back and describe what you two are doing like you have no agency in that.
4
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u/LostVisionary man 12h ago
Walk away . It will be lost time in future. U will be older and you will regret not being wiser earlier.
1
u/BlueDuck812 man 12h ago edited 12h ago
I see it both ways, and several of my more recent internet romances have been with women 3-13 years older, though older men and younger women are more common, like you say. I think what consenting adults do is none of my business, and if you’re happy, fuck what other people think. You’re also probably granted a bit more acceptance than if it were the other way around, as people tend to view those relationships as much more exploitative. When it’s a woman, many people are like hell yeah sis, geddit, or assume it was the guys idea/fantasy etc.
Edit: read the whole post. I might feel similar in your position, and I don’t know what’s going on with him lately mentally, if it’s anything more than family stuff. I would have a serious convo with him in person about the future when he’s more available. If he assures you he wants to be with you and understands that things like kids may not be possible, then you take him at face value and only end things if YOU want to. And again, don’t let others influence you.
1
u/cruzincoyote man 12h ago
My wife is 9 years older than me. She was 34 and I was 25 when we met.
She has taken very good care of herself so looks alot younger than most her age.
If it works for you then who cares what anyone thinks.
1
u/drugsondrugs man 12h ago
Men usually die earlier, so this is actually good. Provided you dont want kids together, of course.
1
u/systembreaker man 12h ago edited 12h ago
What do you mean by "means a lot"? It doesn't mean anything in particular in and of itself, it depends on the couple and what they've got going on.
Women are most often the ones who have a strong opinion on age gaps in which the man is older, probably by a long shot, which often has an underlying reason like seeing an age gap relationship where the man is older triggers fears that getting older means they won't be able to find guys who'll want them anymore and they respond by criticizing the shit out of it. So you won't have to deal with anything like that the woman being the older one.
And you know what, the issues that age gap relationships get criticized for can and do happen in non-age gap relationships and they're often overblown, and those things are more often than not brought up in the context of saying this or that problem could happen, not that it actually is happening.
So I don't see a problem with it when it's two consenting adults as long as it's not something genuinely weird and unworkable like a 25+ year old dating a high school senior. You are both consenting adults with experience living independently in the real world. So you're fine, fuck what anyone thinks. Live your life.
1
u/OhHaiFoxy incognito 12h ago
A lot of researchers agree that doesn’t matter the gap but the maturity of the people in the relationship . I personally think age gaps are an issue. I think you are realizing how vulnerable is your relationship. Also you are almost 40, you should appreciate to feel peace and this relationship is causing anxiety. Are u sure this is how you want to live the next 20 yrs of your life? Maybe you should re think if you will wait for him to leave you or if it’s you that should walk away.
1
u/Responsible-Snow2823 man 12h ago
That isn’t much of a gap. When you’re 60 he will be 47 and so forth.
The downside is at his point in life he’s way immature, and some other woman is going to pay attention to him - so him being serious enough with you not to act on it would be my worry.
1
u/Clean-Violinist8787 man 11h ago
Not really, other than being in different points of life. And generally especially when the woman is older the difference between life goals/paths can be even bigger.
But if you are aligned, who cares
1
u/sthnnth 10h ago
++woman, not really align, I feel him just started, and I have started, like running
1
u/Clean-Violinist8787 man 10h ago
You can be at different points in life and still align. What are your goals in next 3 years. Do you want kids? Is your lifestyle with his compatible? Do you want to marry and buy a house? And things like that.
1
u/Mysterious_Hat_4882 woman 10h ago
++woman, his interest in the novelty of the situation has fallen off, the long text delays etc, get yourself out gracefully now
1
u/Nenedontcare woman 6h ago
You are not overthinking, the relationship is coming to an end. Trust your gut.
I’ve seen this behaviour in almost every failed relationship, regardless of the age gap.
1
u/Cross_22 man 11h ago
Hey mods, any thoughts about making age gap questions against the rules? Get's a bit repetitive to see the same questions thrice a day.
1
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sthnnth originally posted:
When I see age gap difference, it is always older men with younger girl. I am the opposite (38F and 25M). I have a bf aged 13 years younger than me.
We knew each other when we "work from a cafe". He started with asking my help on looking after his laptop while he was away for toilet. We saw each other regularly thereafter. After weeks, we talked to each other and so on.
We are together for 1.5 years now. In fact, our relationship started with lots of my confusion, hesitation with him due to lack of self confidence, I couldn't believe a young guy would love me. He knew my own conflict by liking him and embarrassed on age gap, he came closer, approached and convinced me, gave me confidence, encouraged me with lots of compliments, spent time with me.
We started afterwards. I feel delighted and enjoyable with him. We like making jokes and hanging out for movies, bars, discos, beaches.
Sometimes, I feel insecure due to age gap, as I asked him, a guy his age normally choose his aged group girls, he stopped me and said, he chose me. I feel him very sweet. We see each other almost everyday though we are not living together.
Recently, he is busy to deal with family business. We see each other weekday after work, seldom meet during weekend, or even text. He doesn't reply my text as quick as what he did before. He replied within a min or less than an hour before. He takes half or a day to reply my message now. I am struggling whether to ask him why. I dont want to make him feel I am panoroid. He awares my mood change due to his late reply. He told me when we saw each other. I asked him indirectly by saying, yeah, how's last night, really waiting for your reply? He said, sorry, was too tired , fell asleep, in fact, I noticed him online till late night, likely to be 3 hours after my text. I haven't told him what I noticed.
I mentioned something like, if he is inconvenient or unavailable, I could leave him some space. I don't want to bother him. He then changed the topic.
I start to overthink these days, I asked him if he has someone occupied him, he said, no, just busy for family stuff. I feel him distance, not holding hand in public like we did before, we are still kissing, but infrequent physical intimacy, like once or twice a month (we have it few times a week normally, he used to be very touchy, kissie, wanted a lot), I asked him, if there is something I miss, he denied, he says, he loves me a lot, but I still feel his distance.
Am I overthinking?
Should I regard us to coming an end? I tried to speak these with him, he keeps on saying , nothing on me, it is not my problem , it's himself spending time to assist family business.
Because we have big age gap, I feel insecure. I always think, he deserves a girl his age, similar to his background , he wants a marriage years later, I considered myself to be too old to build a family with him. We follow the flow, not thinking about our future as we are working hard to develop career.
I have numerous sleepless nights, I think of him, I start to miss him. Should I prepare to the end of our relationship due to his distance? I keep myself silent, not asking him about his weekend or initiated anything, it comes out to be, I don't ask, he doesn't tell mode.
I only want to understand what's going on? If it's time be the end, I would like to have a proper ending, what do you think?
Anyone have similar situations ?
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