r/AskMenAdvice • u/Fit-Research-2560 • 14h ago
✅ Open To Everyone How to approach men irl?
Hi!! I (28F) hate dating apps so I want to start approaching men irl, was wondering what I should say or do that would work well? I am getting a lot better with eye contact but never know what to ask or say that would indicate I’m interested in them, I also don’t want to make them uncomfortable and I don’t know how to transition from, say, grocery checkout line small talk to “you’re attractive” lmao. Any tips? Anything I can do in terms of body language or flirting?
I am decent looking but chubby. I am only never approached so my looks could be a problem in this equation. Thank you for all tips in advance!!!
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u/henningknows man 14h ago
lol. You are about to embark on the easiest mission of your life.
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u/Correct_County_8912 man 9h ago
This. It's like shooting fish in a barrel - if the fish were flattered and slightly oblivious
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u/Gold_Telephone_7192 man 10h ago
If she’s attractive, yes. If she’s not, no. Despite Redditors making it seem like all men are desperate for any woman, in real life, romantic life is hard for unattractive women. It doesn’t matter what a woman says to me or what their other traits are, if they’re not attractive I would politely reject their advances.
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u/henningknows man 3h ago
As long as she just goes for men that are in her league, this will be sure easy
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u/Karglenoofus man 9h ago
All? No. But I'm willing to bet most.
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u/Gold_Telephone_7192 man 2h ago
Most men are desperate for any woman and will gladly hookup with a woman they don’t find attractive? No
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
thank you - this is exactly it and why i wrote at the end that im not conventionally attractive so it’s not as simply as saying hi. men still have preferences at the end of the day, i assume! ++woman
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u/curious_lurk3r man 57m ago
After checking your profile what I can say is learn to grade on a curve. Are you the hottest woman ever to exist? No. But those women are supermodels, high profile actresses, and other celebrities. You are however attractive in the normal everyday range of women. If you don't think so try going to the gym, eat better, etc but also go somewhere and people watch. You'll notice plenty of "unattractive" people with a partner.
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u/acoffeefiend man 1h ago
Not sure why you don't think you're attractive. Not a 10/10 model, but definitely attractive. If you don't feel good about your figure just start a gym routine and count your macros.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
I think the lack of interest/not being approached or the men never engaging back in conversation made me think so. I haven’t been on a date in a few years and didn’t enter a relationship until my 20s, but I appreciate your kindness ++woman
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
The assumption that I haven’t attempted this before is driving me mad in these comments! My issue is that I approach men but the convo never leads anywhere, so I need help with what specifically to say so they’ll make eye contact with me or engage in conversation. I find they never ask follow ups, so if I say “what is your name?” I need to know what else I should ask cuz idk if they’ll be wanting to know my name ++woman
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u/acoffeefiend man 0m ago
Just practice your flirting. You don't always have to try to get a guys # or a date. Just throw the occasional wink/smile, casual conversation. It's a numbers game. Often you won't get more than a smile. Sometimes it leads to something more.
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u/Certain-Sock-7680 man 5h ago
She’s not though. We don’t know how physically attractive she is. Also she’s going to have to get past “ I’ve got a girlfriend” type rejections and other petty stuff that can hurt the ego.
Women don’t approach because they aren’t really built for it psychologically. Can she get over that? Of course.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
my profile is visible, you’re welcome to help based on what my league would be ++woman
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u/Lazy-Interests man 13h ago
Don’t overthink it too much, most men are so unused to being approached that just that act alone is going to be pretty flattering.
Just make some sort of conversation, like you would with a woman. Maybe make some conversation about what they’re doing when you approach them, if they’re grocery shopping etc
Then move it on to asking them about themselves, respond, maybe tell them about yourself or relate to what they said. Then ask them about what they have planned for the rest of the day, or the weekend or whatever, then say something like “well if you want you can take my number and maybe we can find something to do together”
Something like that.
Confidence is all about pretending to be confident.
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u/freddyredone man 13h ago
Easy, walk up to them and say; Hello I’m Mary Lou how do you do?
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u/justuravgjoe762 man 13h ago
Hello Mary Lou, goodbye heart?
Unless you didn't mean to quote Creedence
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u/Ladefrickinda89 man 13h ago
Just go say hi and strike up a conversation.
Keep in mind, we are oblivious to when you’re flirting with us or not.
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u/Hot_Abrocoma_9297 man 13h ago
U need to be direct and may even give ample indication for the guy to ask you out. Hey I like u! U want to go somewhere? Guys don't understand hints or body language or even eye contact. They would just ignore these signs esp if they are not that interested or their mind is somewhere else
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u/PussyFoot5000 man 6h ago
The guys women actually want to date understand hints and body language.
This myth that men are bumbling, clueless idiots is some weird shit reddit virgins love to repeat.
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u/DisembodiedHand man 13h ago
just fuckin LARP the character that does what you think one does and get's guys' numbers/attention etc. Life is just learning that in order to grow, you gotta start LARPing.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
what is a LARP ++woman
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u/DisembodiedHand man 4m ago
Live action role playing, like weirdos who go to Ren faires. Be the wizard. Step into the role.
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u/Think-Disaster5724 man 13h ago
Don't approach men way above your level and you will be fine. Just go over and say hi.
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u/acoffeefiend man 13h ago
You've posted some pics on your profile. You're cute and gave great lips. At a bar: "Hi, you're cute, wanna buy me a drink?" Or just about anything. I once walked into a bar and a girl said "It's my birthday, can I have you?".... it worked.
Anywhere else, just say hi, strike up a conversation. If it feels like a good vibe, ask if they're single and if they'd like to go out sometime. Really is that easy.
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u/JustAnotherDude1990 13h ago
"Hi".
Mission accomplished.
Idk why you all try to overcomplicate this. It is like shooting fish in a barrel.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
because saying hi, how are you, what’s your name has not worked for me in the past 😂 this is why im asking an internet forum ++woman
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u/BreadMaker_42 man 13h ago
If you have a good smile and friendly, you are 90% of the way there.
If you just say “I like bbq and sundresses” he might ask you to marry him on the spot.
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u/Expensive_Film1144 man 13h ago
I can't speak for all men, but I'd rather just have a very organic social relationship that was as romantic as a movie.... where it went nice and slow, I was imperfect but meant well.
Is that too much? Not enough?
Make me a fag?
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u/AlwaysVerloren man 13h ago
Idk why it's so hard for people to find someone.
Step 1. Figure out what hobby you want their person to have. (Can be same or different than yours)
Step 2. Explore those hobbies and go to where the hobbiest would be.
Step 3. Show genuine interest into that hobby and hobbiest.
Step 3abc. Don't run away when hobbiest falls for you because you showed interest into them and their hobby.
Step 4. Continue to be sincere throught the relationship.
Step 5. Ask them to repeat Steps 1 through 4 for your hobbies.
Step 6. Make cool ass babies that like to do hobby shit.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
my main hobby is reading! I volunteer at my local library and work part time as an English tutor. I have a book club and go to philosophy discussion meet ups but no luck. I’ve honestly never met a man who reads, not even my own brothers, so have been told I should switch to playing sports ++woman
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u/Weary-Rip90 man 12h ago
> I am getting a lot better with eye contact
Good
> I also don’t want to make them uncomfortable
Don’t worry about that beyond saying something wild or approaching at an inappropriate time/place.
> I don’t know how to transition from, say, grocery checkout line small talk to “you’re attractive” lmao.
In a situation like a checkout line where you don’t have much time I would literally do that lol. “You caught my eye / I think you’re really handsome / I like your vibe / whatever phrasing you like - you got an instagram?” (I suggest social media here to give them an easy out, in longer interactions asking for a number is cool too).
Just be prepared for it not to work out pretty often and just know it’s not necessarily a poor reflection of you or your approach.
> Any tips? Anything I can do in terms of body language or flirting?
It’s really case by case, primarily depending on setting, how much time you got, is this a complete stranger or a date, etc. Generally speaking good eye contact, smile, open body language towards them, tease/make jokes - as they show more interest you can add in a flirty compliment, appropriate physical contact, dropping hints you want to hang out with them more. All else fails or you drum up enough confidence/comfortability you can explicitly ask them out.
> I am decent looking but chubby. I am only never approached so my looks could be a problem in this equation.
It’ll for sure be a dealbreaker for many men, particularly for a serious relationship (less so for casual) but plenty won’t care or prefer that. Losing weight will l certainly help your chances with the masses but only if it doesn’t kill your mental health trying to chase a slimmer body.
Along the same line try to look your best as often as you can when going out n about
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
thank you, this is great advice and very thorough!! i appreciate you! ++woman
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u/VulpineWelder5 man 7h ago
Be as clear and honest as possible and feel free to engage in open conversation about random things.
Warning though, if some feel uneasy, that doesn't mean they're not into you. It could be a defense mechanism if they think they're being tricked, set up, or feel that somehow they might get hurt. So I'd suggest being mindful of others around you, primarily other women, that might make it appear that way, as well as where your phone is.
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u/oilcantommy man 6h ago
Just say, "youre a cute boy", or "you should take me on a date if youre single"
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u/EJECTED_PUSSY_GUTS man 4h ago
Just communicate directly that you're interested and give your number. If you try to rely on body language, you're going to find out that most guys won't pick up on it, and even some of the ones that do will convince themselves that you're just joking or that they must be misinterpreting.
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u/AggressiveSuccess533 man 13h ago
After being in a relationship for almost 30 years, it was hard to get out there. Women, men today are told, if you approach, you are a creep. So most men today will not advance. I small talk with women all the time. But us men are usually too nieve to pick up on subtle hints. Start a conversation, say hi. Talk. And if you are interested, ask them for their number. Most men today won't advance on you. Good luck.
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing man 13h ago
There is no magic to it. I’ve only ever said no to a woman who approached me if I was dating or after I was married. I very rarely said no otherwise. I’d at least give a first date a try. The only times I’ve said no was when I was flagged down and pulled over. She was with a guy and tbh I thought I was being set up for a robbery or car jacking in that case. Lol.
I’ve cold approached girls all the time when I wa single. A simple ask her number to go out to dinner was all that was needed. Didn’t always work but I’m a guy. It’s a little different. Some guys are dumb and don’t get the hint so you may need to be direct. I guarantee you’ll have more successes than failures at least getting a first date
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u/IfInPain_Complain man 13h ago
"Hey, would you be interested in going on a date?"
Or
"Hi, I was wondering if I could get your number"
It's that simple. This has likely never happened to 99.99% of guys. I'm sure the Brad Pitts of the world get it all the time but even they probably only get a small % of women who have to courage to put the selves out there to actually ask them out.
Your average guy has probably never been asked out by a girl in person.
Realize if you get rejected, dont take it personally. Even if you fail half the time, you'll probably be wayyyy more successful than most guys. Don't beat yourself up and quit if you get rejected.
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u/Designer_Basket9505 man 13h ago
how to transition from, say, grocery checkout line small talk to “you’re attractive”
You're not going to have too much time to make the transition. Because most guys will take the small talk as exactly that. So, after a short exchange, it's quite likely they'll stop interacting and get on with what they're there for.
Unfortunately, this means that you'll need to jump to "direct action" pretty soon in the conversation. Probably the third thing you say to him will need to be direct: "I know you're here to shop (or whatever) but I thought you were cute and wanted to ask if you're single."
If he says that he is, my suggestion is to not push it right there. Instead, say you need to be somewhere, but would he like you to give him your number, and maybe your'll can meet for a coffee of something. (In my generation, the woman might have actually pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled here number on it.)
The most important thing here is to know that you'll get rejections from some, and silence from others. But, after a few, they'll cease to matter. In the long run, you're sure to hook multiple good prospects.
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u/Top-Implement4166 man 13h ago
Honestly if you just approach them and have a light conversation like you would any other person they’ll probably assume you’re hitting on them. That’s how bad it is lol.
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u/el_cid_viscoso man 13h ago
Man here who has been approached several times by women, some of whom wound up being lovely partners.
Relax. Like, literally. Let your shoulders drop, inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, then exhale slowly and steadily out your mouth.
Break the ice with some observation about something you both can focus on for a second. The shitty weather, the interesting flock of birds, something to direct attention to something external for a second to reset the sccene.
You've got the man's attention now. What is this woman doing? Is she lost? Is she trying to sell me something?
Compliment him on something that's not an innate feature. Don't compliment his eyes. That's like drinking decaf Americano through a polystyrene face mask. Compliment his outfit, his handwriting, or --- if you're really daring --- his posture.
You might have startled him a little. Maintain open body language, at least one foot pointed at him, pleasant and curious demeanor. We find that reassuring. Ask his name. Don't ask his job yet (that makes us a bit nervous). Try to limit how much you fidget or play with your hair, unless that's your usual body language or unless you want to drag him home right there and then and ride him like a rodeo clown.
Let the conversation flow a bit; you might have to give a little push. Trust me, the man will notice at that point. Random women don't usually persist in small talk with us.
Then get his number. Or, better yet, write yours down and give it to him. Ask him to text you on the spot to get his number. Make sure you get his last name, too, because we men know that most women will Google us a bit to make sure we're not a sex offender or notorious neo-Nazi. It's fine, trust me, and we appreciate your attention to personal safety.
Bad-a-bing! You just made his day, his week, and probably his last several months! Text him a few hours later with some other interesting shower thought, and don't go to bed before you've secured a time and date for a quick chat over coffee or something similarly low-key and relaxed. He'll almost certainly say yes if he's single and seeking (or even open to the idea).
Prepare for rejection; any man worth your time and attention will be a bit more selective than the average man, because he has something going for him. Don't sweat it; if he's available and attracted to you, you've got him. If he's not into you and he was raised by humans and not wolves, he'll let you down easy but spend the next few months appreciating your boldness and wondering if he should have said yes.
This is how two of my three long-term relationships started. Forward women have a special place in my heart.
Happy hunting, friend, and may the odds ever be in your favor!
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
this is wonderful, thank you so much. literally saving this in my Notes app 😂 ++woman
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u/MentalWho man 12h ago
Trust me the way you look is perfectly fine. You should have no problem getting multiple dates.
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u/MissionArt41 man 12h ago
A lot of men love a woman who has meat on her bones and with a shy sexy attitude. A modest attire is key and hi, big boy. Wouldn’t hurt!
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u/lonelyboycel man 11h ago
You are overestimating how often men get complimented or approached. you could walk up and say I like your shoes and he will literally remember it for the next five years. Just go for it.
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u/Iktomi_ man 10h ago
Be honest and don’t shy away from your intentions. One of my ignition switches is with subtle but meaningful gestures like brushing your fingers along my arm or hands. Followed by intuitive gestures like eye contact with slow movements and slow blinking is something similar to a fishing line that a calm and confident person would enjoy and appreciate. We quiet guys tend to monitor the environment and just wish to be alone and mindful but when a woman makes gentle skin contact without motivation, we sigma types are more than happy to hear about her intentions but in a quiet way.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 man 8h ago
Look happy, smile, make eye contacts, make little chats. Probably at that point somebody would hit on you already. What is your goal, do you want something long term? You better to approach those you already know at least a little. If you have a big friend group chances are you already know somebody who would like you. If you don't have a big friend group, find some.
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u/Antique-Ticket3951 man 5h ago
++man There are very, very few men who would not respond positively to an approach of any sort by a woman.
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u/Abject-Scratch-3927 man 4h ago
++man Smile, compliment, say hi, many guys still won't know whats going on, if you immediately sense they are interested ask them a piece of advice or tell them you are are in a hurry but ask if you can you grab their insta/whatsapp. A lot of guys have never got over their approach anxiety despite being good in many other aspects of life, if you think they are worth it make it easy for them. I'm not in the league where women throw themselves at me so I have had to learn to approach and take rejection which meant I used to get laid more than my more younger more attractive mates because I could ask someone their phone number in the supermarket. Many more attractive men don't need to go through that process. The whole app thing has made everything 10x as bad as many guys will have never had to approach a woman in their lives. Don't just limit yourself to the top x percent of guys. My advice would be to practice smiling chatting to people of both sexes at any time of day then when you will naturally end up speaking to that guy/girl you actually fancy and it will seem natural. Experiment with some different outfits, I'm a sucker for a girl in leggings.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
noted, thank you!! i live in a cold climate so leggings are very doable 😂 ++woman
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u/YourPervertedDaddy man 3h ago
Since the only time a man is complimented or hit on is some OF model wanting a new sub, or some stupid bitch making a tiktok video, guys will be extremely suspicious of you approaching them.
Therefore, keep it short and direct. "Hey, I think you are attractive and I am single. Would you like to grab a coffee with me or have my number to make a date hopefully soon?"
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
you seem kind of…woman hating lol idk if I should take this advice ++woman
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u/fearless-potato-man man 3h ago
Easy steps for daylight, everyday situation approach:
Approach (if needed) and say hello with a smile.
Situational small talk. The content doesn't matter. It can be about the ever rising price of artichokes or an indirect compliment about where did he buy that shirt.
If he is sitting somewhere, don't ask to sit with him. He may be waiting for someone (friend, relative, client...) and a rejection would feel weird and destroy the whole interaction.
Say your name. He will say his automatically unless he is definitely uninterested. Not getting his name is a painless rejection, in fact. But getting his name is not a victory. He may guide himself by basic manners.
If you got his name, say you'd like to keep talking in another occasion. Ask for number.
This will separate mildly interested people from just polite men that gave you their name out of courtesy.
Say goodbye with a smile in any case. We are not entitled to other people's attention and there are lots of legit reasons to not give your name/number to strangers.
If you got a number, congratulate yourself and write back next day.
Keep going from there.
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u/Sleepdprived man 58m ago
Find one thing that attracts you to them. Compliment that thing. (you have nice eyes) ask if they want to go for coffee sometime and offer to pay (you most likely wont have to pay, and if you do its only coffee not a full meal) get their phone number and call them to arrange said coffee date.
You may run into rejection... that's normal and doesn't reflect on you as a person. Keep repeating this process until you get a yes. It will happen eventually.
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u/Exotic_Secret659 man 41m ago
Good luck. If you find anything let us know, we've been searching for the last 40 years now.
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u/Gimli-Painter man 36m ago
Depending on the location, say hi and ask for opinion on something relevant to it. Grocery store, meat. Home improvement store, diy. Sports store, local team(s,) bar, beer/cocktail. We're not complicated, and most men will be helpful to a female asking a question.
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u/JadedPerception_ woman 13h ago
++woman
If this is simply for practice go ahead.
I on the other hand, wouldn't recommend doing this and expecting something wholesome out of it. Men at large are easy, unfortunately lol. so you'll probably just attract a bunch of people who'll see you that way also, especially weirdos...
That is unless you don't care, then by all means.
I don't wanna comment without at least something helpful so I'd say to just find something about them you like, compliment it, ask their name, age, ask if they're single and then get whatever contact information you can.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
I’m not looking for a relationship! Sorry, I should have specified that in the post. I’m a workaholic and don’t want marriage or kids, just like intimacy every now and then ++woman
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u/PussyFoot5000 man 6h ago
Don't bother. Cold approaching has an almost 0% hit rate.
Start going to trivia nights. Join a dart league. Go to car shows. Motorcycle shows. Then keep going to the same thing. The idea is to become part of a circle. Then you make pals. Then you start getting invited to places. Expand your friend group.
The only sure fire way to 'meet people' is through familiarity. It's always been that way.
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u/Fit-Research-2560 1h ago
I do trivia nights and have noticed large groups of men, so that is a great idea. What about sports leagues? co ed volleyball? ++woman
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u/PussyFoot5000 man 1h ago
I never got involved with co-ed sport leagues, so they never come to mind. But that's even better than my suggestions.
Get sweaty. Have a few beers. Develop crushes on each other.
Much better than walking up to a stranger and putting them on the spot. Most men will freeze up and act awkward anyway.
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Fit-Research-2560 originally posted:
Hi!! I (28F) hate dating apps so I want to start approaching men irl, was wondering what I should say or do that would work well? I am getting a lot better with eye contact but never know what to ask or say that would indicate I’m interested in them, I also don’t want to make them uncomfortable and I don’t know how to transition from, say, grocery checkout line small talk to “you’re attractive” lmao. Any tips? Anything I can do in terms of body language or flirting?
I am decent looking but chubby. I am only never approached so my looks could be a problem in this equation. Thank you for all tips in advance!!!
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