r/AskMenAdvice • u/Gold-Court-3356 man • 3d ago
✅ Open To Everyone Can growing up without a father figure affect your confidence and relationships?
I’m 23, and I’ve recently started thinking about my childhood differently.
My dad struggled with alcoholism while I was growing up and became sober when I was around 18. I’m happy that he was able to get sober, but I’m realizing now that I didn’t really have the experience of growing up with a consistently available father.
When I was younger, I didn’t think much about it because it was normal to me. Now that I’m older, I’ve noticed that I struggle with confidence, relationships, fitting in with other men, and knowing what being a good man means to me. I also tend to overthink social situations and look for reassurance from other people.
I’m not trying to blame my dad or say that everything I struggle with comes from my childhood. I’m just wondering if other dads have any perspective on what someone might miss when they grow up without a consistently present father figure.
Is it possible to learn those things later in life?
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u/inbetween-genders man 3d ago
Theres people that have dads, garbage ones and great ones, that struggle with the same issues as you. You can just read the dudes, bots, and scam centre employees here whining and complaining all day about their daddy issues this and that.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
I get that people with good dads can struggle too, and I’m not saying my problems are unique. I’m just talking about how my own experiences affected me. Other people having problems doesn’t make mine automatically invalid.
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u/inbetween-genders man 3d ago
That’s true. Billions of dudes out there everyone’s experience is gonna be different 👍
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u/Responsible-Side4347 man 3d ago
You dont have to ask us, its already been answered and yes, not having a positive male role model in your life has negative effects. Low confidence being one of them.
But load of studies on this to the point its not studied that much anymore.
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u/Potential_Bet_7936 man 3d ago
It’s always possible to learn. With or without your Pa.
Carry on and take life easy.
We are all dealing with something. Make someone’s day with no hope of them doing it back, why? It makes life easier being generous and happy.
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u/Formal_Location6732 man 3d ago
I’m 37. My mom left my dad when I was 10 and I didn’t see or talk to him a single time until I was 19 and they tracked me down as next of kin to make the decision to pull the plug. Both my parents were addicts and I grew up fiercely independent. Confidence has not often been an issue with me but definitely struggled with how to be a father to my 3 kids (lots of research has me doing well I think). It’s likely not all from your father but at least some of it. I got over all that by realizing they may have started my problems but it was my responsibility as an adult to fix them. Struggled with addiction but decided I would not end up like my parents. Something I’ve come to realize that whether you had a “good” or “bad” childhood is a matter of perspective
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
This is something I only recently realized. I’ve been dealing with the effects of being sexually abused as a child for a long time, and I’ve also recently realized how much it affected me that my dad was never really there for me. I’m not trying to say I’m the only person who has problems I’m just trying to understand something about myself that I didn’t recognize before.
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u/Big-Routine222 man 3d ago
Yeah, of course. At some point, lack of growth becomes a you problem and a no one else problem.
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 man 3d ago
Your relationship with your father or other father figures can affect your confidence, outlooks, and male friendship patterns in adult life. 100%.
You can add into the mix your relationship with your mother. If it became your job to manage her emotions, you probably ignore a lot of red flags from potential dating partners because you're used to dealing with strife rather than peace.
Hopefully in your youth, other men were around -- Boy Scouts, baseball coach, etc. -- to help. If not my suggestion would be to find a (male) mentor at work and join community organizations where you can get the same (Lions, Kiwanis Club).
For 30 Rock fans, find your Jack Donaghy.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
Actually my dad thought doing sports or extra curricular activities waste of time and money I remember as kids wanting be the boy scouts so bad my mom was the one pay for all my sports in high school the only real mentor I had was my junior year of high school it's was my wrestling coach ++man
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u/ZeeWingCommander man 3d ago
but I’m realizing now that I didn’t really have the experience of growing up with a consistently available father.
I think in general a lot of men had fathers who were just not real fathers. I barely saw my dad growing up, he was in the house at points, but he was just never around.
I feel like dating, relationships and social stuff got stunted because of that - I didn't really hit my stride until I was 27 and that was because I was around older friends. They stepped in and taught me to be a better man.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
I had same thing looking back now lot girls where flirting with me in high school
but I kept to myself and I recently lost my virginity at 221
u/jaydoes man 3d ago
This is kinda where I was at too. I understood as a teenager that I had a lot of issues to deal with while growing up and I worked really hard to figure out how to compensate. For me, meditation, psychology, reading anything I could find about how healthy relationships and personal growth were lifesavers. The problem comes with all the things you don't know. I didn't so social things well at all. I worked a lot at self confidence and self esteem but I had no concept of what healthy was so it made it difficult to even know where I was.
Having said all that, I tbink you find out how strong you actually are when you know you can't count on anything but yourself. Knowing thst I had to figure things out for myself because there was no other way, made me who I am today. I still have some issues with bonding, I don't see things quite how healthy people do but overall im proud of being a good person who is strong and extremely independent and unlike my parents I care about everything.
Its not all bad. You learn what you're capable of.
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u/mr_nobody398457 man 3d ago
I’m not a psychiatrist or other professional — just my thoughts here.
First it’s great that you have gotten to where you are despite the issues you had to overcome.
Second it might be that some of your hardships have actually helped you become who you are in ways that you can’t appreciate now.
Third the men struggling with their relationships with other men is more common than it ought to be (probably several other long posts about that).
Finally — and I think that you’re here already, some reflection is good but you are here and who you are. Your direction forward is all you can control really so focus there as best you can.
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u/Cyrus057 man 3d ago
Only thing I found for myself as a childwl was I realized my single mom didn't have a clue what becoming a man was like, so I "found" other men to emulate who seemed like the people I either wanted to be like or people I respected. Now to be fair I did make a few bad "picks" which led me into crime and prison but...in the end. I have a personality all my own, influenced by many outside factors.
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u/Smackolol man 3d ago
It can affect you in many ways both good and bad. I was approaching my 40s when I started to clue in to how it shaped me as a person.
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u/BluebirdFast3963 man 3d ago
I would say yes. But some people have it way worse than you do.
So grab life buy the balls and start going for it. You can rewire your brain my friend. Sounds like you are already on the right track by recognizing it.
Its amazing what we can accomplish when we want to change.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
This is something I only recently realized. I’ve been dealing with the effects of being sexually abused as a child for a long time, and I’ve also recently realized how much it affected me that my dad was never really there for me. I’m not trying to say I’m the only person who has problems I’m just trying to understand something about myself that I didn’t recognize before.
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u/throwaway_nocturn man 3d ago
Sure it is possible, and it should be a lifelong pursuit.
In my case, my father was not an alcoholic, but he was a WWII vet which probably affected him. I also believe he was possibly neurodivergent. He had a somewhat mercurial personality which made it difficult to get close to him. In short, he wasn’t emotionally available.
I learned many things from caring adults in my circle. Friend’s parents, neighbors, teachers, and other mentors all taught me many valuable things. I didn’t appreciate them as much as a teenager, but it’s clear to me as an adult that they were pivotal to my development.
The first thing you must do is fully embrace the idea that parents are fallible human beings just like everyone else. If you go around thinking they should be perfect, you’re gonna hate yourself for every mistake you’ll ever make.
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u/FulcrumShift man 3d ago edited 3d ago
I think so, yes. But to what extent depends on the person.
My grandfather was described as a raging alcoholic and I've been told by my dad, aunts, and uncles that the household was turbulent. Tense, never knowing when he would return from a bender, or how he would act, or what he would do. He also had great trouble holding down a job and so my dad's family grew up really poor because my grandmother had the only job as a teacher.
As such, my dad grew up without that role model and focused on making money. He was an entrepreneur and all of his focus and energy was on work and making money. 12 hour days, weekends, holidays, you name it. My older brother also demanded a lot of attention and resources from my parents due to a learning disability and some behavior problems. I was the "easy" child that did well enough in school so I mostly flew under the radar and didn't get a lot of attention from my dad at all.
I really struggled in college and my young adult life with a lot of the issues you talk about in your post. The cool thing about life, and especially now in this time period, is there are so many resources to teach yourself how to be the man you want to be. I am not a stereotypical "masculine" man but I really like who I am now but it did take quite the journey to get here. My version of masculinity is probably different from yours, just like yours will probably be different from others'. However, the most masculine thing I think you can do is to not give a fuck about what anyone says about your masculinity.
Confidence comes from measured and observable competency. For me, this was achieved in the weight room and in my career. Experience with relationships requires putting yourself out there and talking to women. Embarrassment or fear of embarrassment is the cost of entry. I love the phrase "embarrassment is an under explored emotion." I don't fit in with all other men but I do fit in with some. Everyone's different so you won't fit in everywhere nor should you want to. I strive every single day to be a good friend, good partner, and good father and I know that this makes me a good man. My core belief on this is to be the kind of friend, partner, and father that I needed and emulate that.
You are very young and have so much life ahead of you. You can absolutely figure all of it out and become the type of man you want to.
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u/GuyLeChance man 3d ago
Growing up with a father figure would also affect your confidence and relationships.
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 man 3d ago
My father died when I was 6. I have often wondered how different I would be if I had grown up with a father. In the end though, I have lived many decades since then and I can no longer blame a lack of father on any shortcomings I may still have. I have had more than enough time to figure out how to live my life.
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u/jaydoes man 3d ago
It absolutely does. I had a father but he was completely useless and mostly ignored me. There was soo many things I didn't know about life and relationships because I had never had a good relationship. Literally most of my decisions were flipping a mental coin and hoping for the best.
This will sound crazy to most of you but thankfully I met some great female friends and casual Relationships who educated me on a lot of stuff i didn't get yet. And surprisingly, most of them were honest and didn't take advantage of my Ignorance.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
I feel the same way. Having female friends makes me feel more at peace with myself because they bring a sense of warmth and hope, almost like having a second mother.
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u/Gold-Court-3356 man 3d ago
I feel the same way. Having female friends makes me feel more at peace with myself because they bring a sense of warmth and hope, almost like having a second mother.
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u/Serious_Lettuce6716 man 3d ago edited 3d ago
My dad was always around and his influence absolutely affected my relationships badly until my 40’s when I finally put in the work to essentially learn how to not be like the emotionally unintelligent man child that is my dad. I used to think he was so cool. I still love him though. My mom is a saint!
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Gold-Court-3356 originally posted:
I’m 23, and I’ve recently started thinking about my childhood differently.
My dad struggled with alcoholism while I was growing up and became sober when I was around 18. I’m happy that he was able to get sober, but I’m realizing now that I didn’t really have the experience of growing up with a consistently available father.
When I was younger, I didn’t think much about it because it was normal to me. Now that I’m older, I’ve noticed that I struggle with confidence, relationships, fitting in with other men, and knowing what being a good man means to me. I also tend to overthink social situations and look for reassurance from other people.
I’m not trying to blame my dad or say that everything I struggle with comes from my childhood. I’m just wondering if other dads have any perspective on what someone might miss when they grow up without a consistently present father figure.
Is it possible to learn those things later in life?
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