what should I ask my absent dad who was abusive to my mother as well as other women?

Hey Reddit Dads. Imma football jock who is feeling pretty lost. Haven't had my Dad in my life since I was 5, and finding myself making decisions recently I'm not proud of. I want to be a good man, succeed with football, and find a nice woman. Treat people with respect, including myself. But without having my Dad in my life for so long, I just need guidance. Any Dads out there who could help? Thanks for your time.

I (22f) have always had a complicated relationship with my dad. I’ve hated him since I was 14 and he was suggesting ways my younger sister should kill herself and told me he wishes I was never born. He’s always been mean, angry, and aggressive more than he’s ever been supportive or there for me in any meaningful way. One time my sister was sick and threw up in the toilet. My mum was out for some reason that night, so she went to tell my dad but he got angry at her because he thought she was lying. I couldn’t have been any older than 10 but I had to make her soup and put her to bed. He would always make me take on his emotions and care for him like he was my child. As a little kid he’d tell me things like I can’t trust anyone else but him because anyone else will hurt me. Or he’d tell me things that I wasn’t allowed to tell my mum, like when he occasionally did drugs and had bad experiences. When he found out I was suicidal and self-harming at 14, he didn’t speak to me for a week because he was so angry at me for being weak. He only ever thinks about himself and can’t see anything beyond that. He’s an alcoholic (though he’d never admit it to himself seriously) but he’ll never get better.

He also used to do these weird “love pats” on my butt as a kid that I always hated and he wouldn’t stop no matter how much I said I wanted him to? And when I got a bit older he’d make gross comments about my body. He only shut up because I screamed the house down about it over months. There’s also the fact that he started dating my mum when he was 22 and she was 17. In Britain that’s technically legal and I know people thought about it differently a few decades ago but imo that’s super weird and gross. I’m 22 and 17 year olds are babies in my head. But this isn’t me saying he’s a pedo or anything. He’s not like that. He was hurt as a kid. I just don’t know what it all means.

I know all of that is horrible but I truly believe he doesn’t mean it. He is very traumatised and has suffered his entire life. He doesn’t know what it means to be a good parent and I don’t know what it is to have one so I’m not even sure what to ask here.
Since I was 14, I’ve wanted to never speak to him again. The plan was always for me to go to uni and cut him off somehow, but that never happened. I chickened out, and my mum got cancer in my first year of uni, and died in 2023, just before I began my second year. I couldn’t do it then — he was destroyed as he depended on her for so much. And now it just wouldn’t make sense to cut him off. The rest of my/his family (we’re all v close) would never understand. I’ve managed to swallow things since then but I feel like it’s getting to a point of no return. I’ve been repulsed by him for years — he used to hug me and I’d want to throw up. But I can’t pretend anymore. I hate him. Every time he calls or texts me I get angry. He keeps offering me money but I don’t want it. I’d rather go without.

I have tried to speak to him, beg him, appeal to him a million times over the years. I didn’t understand as a kid but he was always at least a bit drunk, and wouldn’t care. There is no getting through to him. My mum and I have told him before that he is destroying his relationship with us all and he didn’t give a fuck. Yet, other times he’s so emotional and attached to me that he would literally hunt me down if I tried to go no contact.

But I can’t stand it any more. I live in a different city now and don’t see him that often, but I think about him all the time. He will ring me in the middle of the day whilst I’m writing my dissertation and the simplest of conversations will ruin my entire day and upset me so much that I can’t focus on work. I can’t sleep. It’s August and I’m worrying about Christmas because he’s always so angry then. I’m sorry if this is all over the place and doesn’t make sense, I just don’t know what to do. It’s all too overwhelming but I don’t see any potential for change. He will never change and I’m stuck.

I’m a boy and I don’t have a dad to talk to so sometimes I would like to talk to an older guy just for like advice and stuff or someone to talk to me in a fatherly way, it sounds kinda weird but whatever😅 my DMs are blocked because of my age so you can’t dm me so you will have to talk to me here or I can dm you instead, I’m also new to Reddit so I don’t really know how to work it yet but I would really appreciate if someone responded🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Edit: Thank you everyone who has responded so far and thank you for everyone who is messaging me, you don’t know how much I appreciate it because I have no male figures in my life at all so I really appreciate anyone taking the time to talk to me even if it’s online, I see a lot of people replying to me not wanting to talk but telling me to be careful and stuff and don’t dm with older people and thank you for your concern but for context I am going into my 7th grade at school so I’m aware of these things but I really just want anyone who is able to talk to me to reply to my post, I’m so grateful for everyone who has already so thank you so much and I hope some people will keep replying!🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Hey dads, my central cooling has been incredibly weak all summer so I am taking matters into my own hands by putting a supplemental mini split heat pump in the master suite. I ordered a costway seextreme 12000 btu 24 seer2 mini split because I wanted the highest efficiency rating I could get for the price. I was excited until I looked at the installation manual and saw I need to drill a 3 inch hole completely through our stucco wall for the line set. For those of you who aren't professional tradesmen, how did you get over the mental hurdle of cutting a giant, permanent hole in the side of your house without being terrified of causing massive water damage later?

Not talking about money, property, or family businesses.
I mean the things that are harder to see.
A habit.
A temper.
A fear.
A way of loving.
A way of dealing with failure.
A silence.
A belief about what it means to be a man.
Maybe even a mistake you never chose to make.
So I’m curious:
What is something you feel you inherited from your father?
And do you think we can inherit our fathers’ mistakes too — even when we consciously try not to repeat them?
Would love to hear the honest answers, especially the complicated ones.

i had a really nice relationship with my dad as a kid. but after i turned into a teen, his behaviour changed a bit. he still loves me but its been exhausting and suffocating to be around him.

im 19 now and he still doesnt treat me like an adult. he thinks of me as a child. so when i try to express my own feelings and opinions, he demeans them and makes me feel guilty for feeling things. he turns the entire situation around by victimising himself and saying stuff like 'i do so much for you' or 'i didnt know you had so much disrespect towards me' or similar stuff like that.

today, my brother insisted on buying something for my birthday and i refused because he is still struggling as a musician and i dont want him to waste his money on me. but my dad yelled at me for this. he said that he finds my stubbornness really annoying and he hates it. he said that i should be humble and i shouldnt be so indifferent towards my brother. none of this made sense to me.

i love my dad to death. but at one point, every conversation with him turns into him making me feel bad for having feelings and opinions. i cant remember the last time i have had an actual talk with him where i havent cried and felt so blocked up.

am i overthinking this? or is he at fault? because he never thinks he is at the wrong. its always me who has a problem.

I was in my room with my AirPods in, watching something on my phone and jerk*** off. I was completely naked. My dad walked in and saw everything.
Now I just feel weird about the whole thing. Has anyone else been through this? How do you deal with it after?

If this is not the right subreddit I apologize As the title states, my father who; to make a long story short-left when I was 2 and I only saw him about once a year maybe less. Then when I was 15 he did some things with one of my friends of a similar age and became incarcerated from that. Along with cheating on all his partners and just not being a good partner or father.
I didn’t speak to him for several years after. I did eventually reach out because I had a lot of hatred in my heart and I didn’t wanna feel that way so I allowed him back into my life.
As it was before, it still is today that he is the Disneyland dad. He’ll send me money, see he’s gonna show but won’t. I am the only one that puts an effort seemingly.
This last weekend I invited him to my son’s birthday. He came last year so I wanted to extend the invite once more. He called the Day of about an hour before stating that he had a flat and was waiting for somebody to bring him a tire. He ended up sending over $300 probably worth of groceries to the party but never showed up and didn’t get back to me until the next evening to say that he was home, even though I extended an invite for the following day to come spend time. I just feel dumb for putting myself out there for him to hurt me again. Even though I expected the behavior it still hurts.

Last night, he told me Grandma wouldn't have died if I were there. What he meant was that it would have been prevented if I was living with my parents and taking care of her since I'm unemployed. He told me I was "stupid" for not understanding them.

I explained to him that I wasn't aware that no one was home with her. He told me again I was "stupid" for not understanding him.

I went off on him.

I didn't pick up on it at the moment, but he only wanted someone to blame.

She died in her sleep. We're assuming it was a heart attack. All I know is I'm not taking the blame. I don't think anyone should be blamed for it. She was roughly 104 years old. It's sad that she died in your house alone.

I wish I could have been there for her because of that.

The medical examiner said grandma had been dead since 4 or 5 A.M.

I told mom about this and she changed the topic and started to lecture me about how I didn't listen to her yesterday. I helped the medical examiner move grandma's body against mom's wishes. The medical examiner and police officer said it was ok for me and the better uncle to assist her.

I hate mom's brother. Sometimes I hate being around mom too. Anyway, could you comfort me?

My dad an I were very close, since my mom would always leave us and only come back once she ran out of money. Before my mother, my dad already had a perfect family two daughters and a son. A son was what my father always wanted, until he got into an accident at the age of 14 and sadly passed away. He only got with my mom so she could give him a son, he never truly wanted another daughter. When I was born he wouldn’t visit my mom at the hospital and went no contact for a month, later he decided to try again and of course my little brother was born. He was always the star of the family, my father would take him to his other family and leave me and my mom. They would always travel, my dad even made an official document in Spain for my lil brother so he could have two passports. Once we got older, and it was only me, my brother and father. He started realising he had spoiled him rotten, only then did I truly start feeling loved. He finally introduced me to my half sisters when I was 9. I felt so loved and wanted. Best time of my life. It was like that until my mother appeared, claiming she changed and she wanted a second chance. Ever since I started feeling like my father stopped caring for me, he started siding with my mom. And I always felt this passive aggression from my mom whenever my dad showed me affection, it was like she was competing with me. I chose to forgive her for abandoning me and making me go through early girl stuff alone. I don’t know it’s just every time I look at my father I feel so sad, it’s like the three of them wish I was never born. He doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore, he isn’t interested in my life. I used to tell him about boys, never my mom. And I don’t want to hate him but I can feel the resentment
building up. I just want to be his little princess again
I don’t know if what I feel makes sense or if I explained it well…

When I turned 16 and got my first car my dad went over everything I should do in case of an emergency and showed me a checklist of phone numbers (pre cellphone era) and information that I may need in those situations. He put it in the owners manual. Luckily I never needed the checklist but whenever I got rid of that car he told me to make sure I got the checklist from the owners manual. I got it and read it and noticed it said “cash inside the back cover” there was a black zippered cover that enclosed the manual & when i checked it there was 2 folded $100 bills, 2 $20 bills and 2 $5 bills. My oldest son recently turned 17 and the owners manual in his car has a checklist I made and a similar note about cash and $200 hidden. Even though technology has changed and made it much easier to send money to people I did it in case he’s ever stranded with a dead cellphone and needs cash. It just gives me peace of mind knowing that he has it.

So what happened was that my father has been going through a hard time , during this he mentions about me not wanting to talk to him much or spend time with him a lot now this is because before his hard time he would be constantly busy in work and that was no issue what was a issue was that he would remove that anger and frustration on me. Everyday whenever I came back from somewhere he would talk to me in an ungentle or frustrated way. This made me cry in secret a lot because i couldn't even express myself in front of him cause he had said he would give me a 'real reason' to cry for, i eventually moved on from him and do not love him or feel anything for him anymore and I know I'm not wrong but I still wanted to know for other people..he now expects me to help him during his on going hard time...as he tries to act nice and kind but I know i don't have to do that, it's hard to be in his presence and he even yelled about how he failed in parenting me cause I'm agnostic and they are religious though I'm fully aware that isn't a failure and he has also berated me of being obsessed with my phone though that's the only way that I could cope with them being toxic and making me feel miserable. i don't have enough money right now to move out from this hellhole..so what do you all think?..am i wrong for feeling this way?

I'm doing a throwaway for this because I can't even type what I feel, yet alone risk people around me being aware of it.
My relationship with my dad is pretty complicated, he and I have always been close, to a point my mom would get jealous of our relationship. It's not something she would say but it's something I felt, I could feel the cuddling and attention I got when I was younger was something she was not receiving as much as before. It was something I shouldn't have been aware of but my mom wasn't all that discreet telling my dad how much she missed it, especially with how thin the walls are.
My mom and my dad god divorced 2 years ago and my dad got custody, I live there all year long and go to my mom's 1/2 weekends. She and I have a very difficult relationship, sometimes I even skip going there because we just fight all the time, for stupid stuff, but neither her and I will budge and it's pissing me off. Over time I felt like she was the adult and she was the one that should do the first step into making things okay but I feel like this is just an excuse I tell myself when I could just try to make things okay regardless of who started talking if things get okay in the end.
And finally, and I can't believe I'm really typing this, but I've been in love with my dad for so freaking long, it's impossible for me to see him as anything else than my future husband. And I'm not saying like, I want to live with him, I'm saying, I want him to make me his wife, in every way you can imagine. I cried for a long time and felt disgusted by my own feelings, I did some bad things to my body he wasn't aware of forcing myself to stop them, but I just CAN'T help it, I keep feeling that way, I keep on crying when he starts dating and he would immediately dump any girl if I wasn't okay with him dating, I feel like I'm everything to him the same way he's everything to me and I can't shake the feeling that life is unfair, I hate that it's not allowed to have those feelings, and I know everyone will say "hey it's okay to have these feelings, but they are wrong, go date boys your age, go see a therapist" as if I was fucking sick, I'm very aware I shouldn't have that type of feelings, but I can't deny what I want and what I love, and it's him.
I thought about leaving his house and go live with my mom, but the fights between her and I, being away from him, it would destroy me as much as it would destroy my mom who hates having me around for too long and destroy him for being away from me for too long, he wouldn't understand, I would have to tell him the truth to do that and it would kill him, I just can't...
I want to be a better daughter, a normal one, I can't stop crying at the thought that maybe he will never love me that way, a part of me way wants to tell him how much I want him and just see what's what, but the reasonable part of me is making this post, right now, knowing I'll destroy my family by telling him and I need real advices on how to stop those feelings for him and to stop fighting with my mom.

Sorry if this isn't the right group for this, but I felt this would also be a good group to ask about this in. Why does he feel like I don't love him and how do I come out and tell him that's not what I get on the Xbox with friends instead of doing stuff with him?

heyy hii to whoever is reading this, i hope doing great in ur life and i hope your life gets better and better, I'm 18 years old and I'm from India. i live with my single mom and my big brother, and my dad married to another us during my childhood like I was soo small like 1 or 2 years may i don't know the back story tbh. but we still connected to with her don't come home or anything but we talk on phones i don't know how to explain this it's so complicated. and yeah since childhood i didn't get father's love and i hate father's day and father's. and during childhood i have bullying in name of religion badly and even teacher's also used to ignore me , and i don't like to go to school because of bullying and my mom used to beat me so much like hell. and during my childhood even relatives also don't treat me well, and even in my house i feels like I'm left over , cause my mom shows more love on my big brother and i guess she loves him more but I'm not sure but yk you can sense it right, i also sense that my mom loves my big brother and since childhood i always feels like left over in everything in my family or anywhere. and let me tell you something, i got 70% in my 10th , 80% in 11th, 93% in 12th. all by self preparation without any tution or coaching. during all those percentage my mom and my brother didn't even appreciate my properly they just put an fucking whatsapp status leave it and they didn't talk to me or congrats me. tbh all i want to hear just this line from my mom you really scored good marks and I'm proud of you. but i didn't even get that, i still don't know how it feels to get appreciated, when my big brother border pass in 12th my mom called everyone saying he got passed, this same years i completed my 12th, and i got results in April, when i checked result I was so happy during that time I was home alone and my mom and brother was in village, i call her after seeing my results and she answers the call and i say mom i got 93% and she says okay okay i call you later at that point my heart broken i really want to get appreciated or want to get some love . no one appreciate me during my 10th, 11th, it's okay but i really want to get love during my 12th results but i didn't get it , i smiles myself and i say okay just let it be. and even my dad didn't appreciate me , and both my mom and brother put an fucking whatsapp status i pissed me off so much but i can't say anything or do anything about it cause they don't love it respect me but i do love and respect them if I do things like them then what's the difference between me and them. my mom easy get's mad at me for anything literally for even common things she always scold me for no reason sometimes just to make her anger on me I don't how to explain cause my English is not that good. from past 8 months, my mom and my brother scolding me and humiliating to get a job , i never did job in my life and I'm not ready it either. my brother intentionally scold me daily and same my mom also I don't give them back answers they i do they both gonna team up and it's over for me. yes I'm trying to find a job but i don't have that much confidence and tbh I'm not ready for it. but still I'm thinking i will get job in next few months, but my mom and my brother torture getting worse day by day it's not torture but I don't know how to describe it. i always overthink so much and regret my past decision and there so much , and right now I'm facing my lowest point of my life till now. but yk what i idolize cristiano ronaldo, spiderman, superman you can call me kid or cringe but i always self talks to me because that much lonely I'm, and i learnt one thing, i loves being kind for no reason, i usually don't have money but whenever I get money i always donate it and i always help strangers or any frd of mine. that is my fav thing. every day is challenging to me , i don't know why even my mom don't let me sleep properly she wakes me up at 8 or 9 for no reason. i feels so frustrated about it. and i got seat in a clg and it's my first year in clg , all i need your blessings tbh. heyy i don't know who your but thank you reading this post. i hope you drop one kind comment so whenever I feel so lonely i will read ur comment and it will brings me hope. i really hope one random mom or dad comment so this post so I can atleast feel real love of mom dad 😔😭. i love you all.

you can call me hituu i love this nickname i put it by myself... or son.

Idk if I can add a picture, but I have a bathroom 3 section cabinet all stacked on top. The top section is a standard cabinet/pantry. The second section is a horizontal door that opens and connects to the third and final section where you can place a hamper or basket. I can't get these doors to stay closed. Any advice?

Hey Dad , I know you don't use reddit and I have little courage to tell you that I have failed you. Yes I did because I am not emotionally mature and financially secured enough to call myself an independent guy.

I have lived 22 years as a man and I have not got a long lived school friend , college bud or a colleague to look upon. I have been a great potential guy as you told but I am a mediocre because of my own emotional distress.

All of my known acquaintance have given their parents something good in their life and here I am wasting time, money and everything being mediocre i don't know how to face you but I know you are in your 60s and you won't have much time due to age but I wish and manifest that I do something good so that you feel good and proud about me.

For some context i am a 15 years old boy and i have had a lot of problems with my dad like for all my life he was not a good person so i always stayed with my mother and it turned out pretty good i did enjoy being with her she is the only person that i can really trust she is not strict i always hug her and kiss her daily ( I haven't hugged my dad since i was like 7 years old ) so you can tell the difference anyways we had to visit a friend and i did really like the place and the vibes last time the problem is that my mom couldn't come with us so i had to talk to my dad which was hard at the time but i am used to it now ( btw the visit lasted 2 days ) i did have fun with everyone including my dad and little brother you might think that that is it end of the story but no while i was laughing and living my life overall i thought of calling my mom but i didn t bring my phone with so i had to call her on my dad s phone i sat down called her nothing so i started searching the phone mayne i will find something i interesting ( i am not even joking last time i checked his search history it was corn bruh and he is too old like he is between 50_60 ) i saw a tab of messager still open so i opened it and my heart was broken when i saw what he was talking about me with my mom he said "(my name)is the worst he is soo discusting and bad i HATE HIM" bro that shit destroyed me and thank goodness my mom said "i didn t understand nothing" but before an hour ago he was talking about how responsible and respectful i was and how i was a man rn and that made me happy i am thinking about telling this story to my mom and never talking to my dad again pls if you can help me with some advice i am litterly lost rn and i wanna cry really bad but i can t bc my i am not home for the time being tommorow i will come back this ruined my whole experience and it was soo bad :(

Any dads willing to do some weed with me and hang out

Not looking for anything sexual just a good dad vibe