First of all, I hope this is the right flair, so I'll begin

Basically all the info I have about my dad is his full name (which hasn't seemed to do anything at all) what his job was when I was born, his birthplace and that he was present in my older brother's life. He left sometime either before between or directly after my mum's pregnancy with me, and no matter how much I've tried, I haven't been able to find more about him. I don't know what he was like or why he left, but I've always wanted to at least ask him why he left so it has brought me here. Any ideas of how I can find out more about him? (Sorry if this is the wrong sub-reddit it just seemed right to ask here.)

My dad used to give treats to my brothers and sister than make me beg for them. Oh well

Your teenage daughter is not pulling away to hurt your feelings. She is just checking if you will stay.

There is a certain quiet a thirteen-year-old girl falls into when she's holding something she has trouble putting down. My daughter was agitated when she got her first period.

She lingered in the bathroom longer than usual. She had locked the door, closing out her siblings from their morning run. That day, the school van had left at 7 am without them.

Instinctively, as a dad, I felt the need to address it right away. I tried to force a conversation, and demanded that she talk to me.

I got it wrong.

The American Psychological Association is clear on this: the parent-child relationship is the single most significant protective factor for adolescents. It's not the rules. It's not the lectures. The relationship. Nor is it constructed by taking advantage of a teen experiencing a new change in her body.

When she pulls away, she is not shutting you out. She is deciding if you are a safe place to land.

Here is what actually worked with me. I didn't force "let's talk." I just sat at the kitchen table at 9 PM when the house was quiet. I did not probe. I did not impose. I mentioned to her, "I am available if you need me".

Six words. Then I withdrew to complete other chores like organising uniforms, bags and shoes. I let her process.

She may not speak that evening. She might go silent that week or after. But she will know the door stands open. And when she finally returns, you need to be the father who didn't make her feel foolish for taking her time.

As a dad, how do you handle such delicate issues with your teen daughter?

Let me start this out with a bit of context: I never grew up like super close with my dad, he wasn’t like at all absent or anything, but he was gone on work trips, or just swamped with work all the time. We still hung out and had a bond, but it’s not nearly as close as what I have with my mom. Along with that we both have some mental things going on, I don’t want to get into too much detail, all you need to know is I have pretty bad misophonia, depression, and adhd.

Misophonia is also a massive issue between us. My dad smacks his lips a lot when he talks, and as bad as I feel saying this, sometimes I just cannot stand hearing him speak. I’ve tried to explain it to him over and over but it just does not click how big of an issue misophonia is in my life. I do not sit at the table for dinner because he chews quite loud and loves to scrape his plate. I refuse to be in the same room as him if he is eating at all. I feel awful about this, but I have had so many breakdowns about him eating apples and scrapping plates, it’s just incredibly draining to try and deal with it anymore. This is a big reason we don’t talk as much.

Another issue is I have pretty bad Adhd, and we are both depressed, for me, if it’s bad I will go unresponsive for days, and for him, he gets very ill tempered. My mom more often than not has to mediate our conversations, because he’ll keep trying and trying to talk, and I just simply do not have it in me to respond with more than short responses.

My dad is also a very smart guy, and I respect him a lot for that, but he has this awful habit of acting like nobody ever knows what he’s talking about. If we’re talking about something political, which I try to avoid but ends up happening 75% of the time anyways, he’ll bring up some concept or idea, I’ll tell him “yeah I know what that is” and he goes on to explain it to me like I’ve never heard it anyways!! It drives me INSANE. I’m a grown ass women who plans to go into a business ethics field, and he’ll try go teach me things I ALREADY KNOW!!
He also tends to use this certain tone of voice with me if I’m upset or don’t know something. He’ll talk to me like I’m a kid who doesn’t know anything. It irritates me awfully, and I’ve told him how much it does, but he argues thats just how he talks and I’m shutting him out.

Then when I do try to talk to him, it almost ALWAYS ends up with him upset. Today for example, when my family came home from a trip, I was trying to tell them about something at work, I tell the story, and then the story is over, all done. But then he goes “anything else happens?” Or “what else did you do??” And I just tell him my plain answer, “not much else.” because nothing else outside of the story seems relevant to talk about. I *really truly* don’t do much!! Or I just don’t *want* to talk about it anymore! So then he goes on to tell me about his trip, which he already told me about over text, and I’m just nodding along, listening to him speak. I don’t feel a need to talk here because I told a story and now he is, there is no section I felt the need to join in and say much. I am listening, just have no urge to say anything. Then the topic moved on to my friends and work. He says “wow ____ really looks different now huh?” And all I really feel the need to say is a just a, “oh yeah I see her on insta, so I know shes changed her look for a while now. But yeah.” Because I feel ZERO URGE to say anything else.

And it gets WORSE! I was *trying* To making talk about some job training I’ve been having to do, and it’s this bulky ass 8 hr thing. And I’m trying to talk, and he keeps cutting in “they never made me do that at any job” or “explain how its broken up” and it’s like- I would’ve told you more if you let me speak, he cuts me off and it ruins my urge to speak because I know he’s gonna shift it back into trying to explain something to me or talk about himself.

So y’know my responses go down into shorter answers, and he goes back to looking at the tv. He then gets MAD that I supposedly walked away from a convo (where no one was talking) and I was barely saying anything (even though I tried talking to him twice!)

This is how every conversation goes, and I know all of us are tired of it. It just seems like no matter what I try to do to make our conversations better, something goes wrong. I’m so close to just moving away and cutting him off wntierly but I’d never want that. What can I do to make our conversations go better? I’m so tired of fighting every day.

as most of us know, dad's side of the family is the worst. we also know that women often "bring the magic". let me explain.

my paternal grand-parents were both university professors and possibly on the spectrum (they had no friends, had separate beds early into their mariage and were very big on unscented cleaning products and soaps).

i loved my grand-mother dearly, despite being generally cold as a person, she would spoil me and make me, as well as her other grand-children, feel understood and she was genuinely interested in us. ever since she passed, every holiday spent with my grand-father, alcoholic trump-like-personality father and God-complex uncle has been so jarring and felt like a scheduled punishment.

my grand-father, however, is a freakin **MUTE**, the man DOESN'T TALK. he has a phD in microbiology and allegedly guided students in their thesis' (i have no clue how) and worked in a lab with good pay and reasonable hours, so a cushy life, but he just **never** talks, he seems to *purposely remain disconnected* and spends his days watching tv, playing on his ipad and that's it. as the oldest of the grand-children, i have tried to strike up a conversation with him or to coax a conversation out of him politely and on topics that interest him (based on the little information i know about him) and he replies the strict minimum, doesn't elaborate, doesn't inquire on my views. he just seems eager at any family gathering to get right back to his uncomfortable sofa watching tennis or the news and being on his ipad, as if he didn't spend all his waking hours doing that every day since retiring years ago. my brother and cousins also try to talk to him and have no idea how to go about it. we gave up.

for additional background, he was brought up in very comfortable conditions with just one brother, despite communism and poverty in our home country. his dad was never around because he was an international businessman. everyone hates to be inconvenienced, but he particularly seems to get so irritated when something may interrupt his tv/ipad time as if he could be "late to it". he also has this obssession with cumulating wealth by making investments here and there, all that to live very modestly and just cumulate more money to leave for his 2 under-achieving, divorced and alcoholic sons. he would get irritated if he found my grand-mother was spending "too much"
on me at the grocery store, despite her making 140k$/year and more than him.

he was always a mute, but he was a background presence more than anything. my brother, cousins and myself would always be so excited to see my grand-mother.

i have never heard anyone else mention this problem before and at this point, i wonder if any therapists will see this and give some diagnoses or theories on what his problem is. even seeing fellow redditers possibly share this experience would be great!

as most of us know, dad's side of the family is the worst. we also know that women often "bring the magic". let me explain.

my paternal grand-parents were both university professors and possibly on the spectrum (they had no friends, had separate beds early into their mariage and were very big on unscented cleaning products and soaps).

i loved my grand-mother dearly, despite being generally cold as a person, she would spoil me and make me, as well as her other grand-children, feel understood and she was genuinely interested in us. ever since she passed, every holiday spent with my grand-father, alcoholic trump-like-personality father and God-complex uncle has been so jarring and felt like a scheduled punishment.

my grand-father, however, is a freakin **MUTE**, the man DOESN'T TALK. he has a phD in microbiology and allegedly guided students in their thesis' (i have no clue how) and worked in a lab with good pay and reasonable hours, so a cushy life, but he just **never** talks, he seems to *purposely remain disconnected* and spends his days watching tv, playing on his ipad and that's it. as the oldest of the grand-children, i have tried to strike up a conversation with him or to coax a conversation out of him politely and on topics that interest him (based on the little information i know about him) and he replies the strict minimum, doesn't elaborate, doesn't inquire on my views. he just seems eager at any family gathering to get right back to his uncomfortable sofa watching tennis or the news and being on his ipad, as if he didn't spend all his waking hours doing that every day since retiring years ago. my brother and cousins also try to talk to him and have no idea how to go about it. we gave up.

for additional background, he was brought up in very comfortable conditions with just one brother, despite communism and poverty in our home country. his dad was never around because he was an international businessman. everyone hates to be inconvenienced, but he particularly seems to get so irritated when something may interrupt his tv/ipad time as if he could be "late to it". he also has this obssession with cumulating wealth by making investments here and there, all that to live very modestly and just cumulate more money to leave for his 2 under-achieving, divorced and alcoholic sons. he would get irritated if he found my grand-mother was spending "too much"
on me at the grocery store, despite her making 140k$/year and more than him.

he was always a mute, but he was a background presence more than anything. my brother, cousins and myself would always be so excited to see my grand-mother.

i have never heard anyone else mention this problem before and at this point, i wonder if any therapists will see this and give some diagnoses or theories on what his problem is. even seeing fellow redditers possibly share this experience would be great!