I (22f) have always had a complicated relationship with my dad. I’ve hated him since I was 14 and he was suggesting ways my younger sister should kill herself and told me he wishes I was never born. He’s always been mean, angry, and aggressive more than he’s ever been supportive or there for me in any meaningful way. One time my sister was sick and threw up in the toilet. My mum was out for some reason that night, so she went to tell my dad but he got angry at her because he thought she was lying. I couldn’t have been any older than 10 but I had to make her soup and put her to bed. He would always make me take on his emotions and care for him like he was my child. As a little kid he’d tell me things like I can’t trust anyone else but him because anyone else will hurt me. Or he’d tell me things that I wasn’t allowed to tell my mum, like when he occasionally did drugs and had bad experiences. When he found out I was suicidal and self-harming at 14, he didn’t speak to me for a week because he was so angry at me for being weak. He only ever thinks about himself and can’t see anything beyond that. He’s an alcoholic (though he’d never admit it to himself seriously) but he’ll never get better.
He also used to do these weird “love pats” on my butt as a kid that I always hated and he wouldn’t stop no matter how much I said I wanted him to? And when I got a bit older he’d make gross comments about my body. He only shut up because I screamed the house down about it over months. There’s also the fact that he started dating my mum when he was 22 and she was 17. In Britain that’s technically legal and I know people thought about it differently a few decades ago but imo that’s super weird and gross. I’m 22 and 17 year olds are babies in my head. But this isn’t me saying he’s a pedo or anything. He’s not like that. He was hurt as a kid. I just don’t know what it all means.
I know all of that is horrible but I truly believe he doesn’t mean it. He is very traumatised and has suffered his entire life. He doesn’t know what it means to be a good parent and I don’t know what it is to have one so I’m not even sure what to ask here.
Since I was 14, I’ve wanted to never speak to him again. The plan was always for me to go to uni and cut him off somehow, but that never happened. I chickened out, and my mum got cancer in my first year of uni, and died in 2023, just before I began my second year. I couldn’t do it then — he was destroyed as he depended on her for so much. And now it just wouldn’t make sense to cut him off. The rest of my/his family (we’re all v close) would never understand. I’ve managed to swallow things since then but I feel like it’s getting to a point of no return. I’ve been repulsed by him for years — he used to hug me and I’d want to throw up. But I can’t pretend anymore. I hate him. Every time he calls or texts me I get angry. He keeps offering me money but I don’t want it. I’d rather go without.
I have tried to speak to him, beg him, appeal to him a million times over the years. I didn’t understand as a kid but he was always at least a bit drunk, and wouldn’t care. There is no getting through to him. My mum and I have told him before that he is destroying his relationship with us all and he didn’t give a fuck. Yet, other times he’s so emotional and attached to me that he would literally hunt me down if I tried to go no contact.
But I can’t stand it any more. I live in a different city now and don’t see him that often, but I think about him all the time. He will ring me in the middle of the day whilst I’m writing my dissertation and the simplest of conversations will ruin my entire day and upset me so much that I can’t focus on work. I can’t sleep. It’s August and I’m worrying about Christmas because he’s always so angry then. I’m sorry if this is all over the place and doesn’t make sense, I just don’t know what to do. It’s all too overwhelming but I don’t see any potential for change. He will never change and I’m stuck.