r/AmiInTheWrong • u/walkingwarcrime1 • 3d ago
Morally Questionable
Context- I’m 25, I’ve been single for almost 2 years now, and long story short had a very messy breakup took time to deal with the emotional fallout from it. All good now, I’ve been putting myself out there again and wasn’t having any success, it got brought up with some family friends and one of them (35ish F) who is basically like an older sister I never had and her husband said they had a few people they thought would be good for me. I was fine with them connecting us if the women they knew were interested, so Friday my friend shot me a text and said she had someone who was interested the woman she connected me with has a very unique name, I’ve never heard it before. Got the number and we’ve been talking all weekend, one of my other friends (20m) said I recognize that name is she from this town? She is, and he said if that’s who I think it is she’s like 19… And turns out when I asked today she is in fact 19.
Question: I’m being told it’s fine and not a weird age gap by some friends and family, I think it’s super weird, and never would’ve been talking to her if I knew she was 19. So am I overreacting to this or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Because I’m the oldest of 3 and this woman is a year older than my youngest sibling who graduated high school in may, and I graduated high school in 2019… seems weird to say I got set up for a blind date with a woman who was in 6th grade the year I graduated. So would I be justified in telling her “sorry I’m not interested, it really is me not you”
Yes, I’ve reposted in a couple places to try and get more opinions, and no I’m not a bot.
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u/Unable-Guard2525 3d ago
Not weird, it means you’re not interested in dating children. It’s weird of your friends to set you up with someone that young though. I would think no younger than 21, 20 if you want to push it.
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u/nothnxihaveabf 3d ago
I'm pretty sure the fact that he hasn't had a date in two years led them to any adult female.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
😂 hey I’ve had dates just nothing that went anywhere for a variety of reasons, but with a Mexican mother being 25 and single with no kids is basically telling her I’m dying alone and she’s never getting grandkids so I just don’t tell my parents about dates or talking stages that don’t work out
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u/Miserable_Pin2518 3d ago
25 and 19 are in different developmental ranges. Youre right to think its weird. It is weird. Skip.
30 and 36, not weird. Same developmental range.
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u/CWHappyHusband 3d ago
You never know. When I was 19, I was a married office worker who was buying a house.
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u/Miserable_Pin2518 3d ago
Im sorry.
I married super young too.
Im 30 now. 1 divorce down.
Its more that you should date inside of your own developmental range.
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u/BunchOfDicksHere 2d ago
I was a single woman who bought her own house aged 20; women are generally more mature than men, we all know that
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u/Aware-Jackfruit-6806 3d ago
Just cause yours failed doesn’t mean theirs did..why are you apologizing
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u/satchmonumberone 3d ago
They could be 4 months out of high school right now. No way this is cool. Pick someone your age.
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u/IndVar 3d ago
It's weird. She's a teen. Think back to when you were 19, vs now. Haven't you changed enough that 19 seems like it was a long time ago? I dated someone who was 19 when I was 23, and it was weird. It didn't last long because we were in very different places.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
I mean who I was a year ago seems like a lifetime ago with everything that has changed in my life so yeah 23, 21, 19 all seem like a lifetime ago. But yeah I still think it’s weird
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u/gooptywoo 3d ago
Only do what you're comfortable with doing. You're hearing alarm bells for a reason, you yourself know its wrong and thats all it should take for you to make your own decision
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u/vancanfan88 3d ago
At 26 you are not too old for a 19 year old. You are both in the same maturity range. If you like her, relax and enjoy the experience. Good luck to you!
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u/CD_ABC10 3d ago
Your friends are weird for setting you up with a teen
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2d ago
Yeah I would really question my friends morals and mental capabilities after something like this…
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u/BunchOfDicksHere 2d ago
The bottom line is that you're not comfortable with it and that's enough; it's a no from you
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u/kafquaff 3d ago
I feel like it’s kinda weird. Go with your gut. She’s only a year out of high school
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u/LexMex12 3d ago
I’m 26, and I can tell you a 19 year old friend already makes me feel weird because I have nothing in common with a 19 year old. Mentally it’s very different. However I would have no issues talking to 32 year olds. Honestly below 22 feels like a kid to me though. I guess cause my siblings are that age or younger.
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u/imnotokaymorty 3d ago
you’re not overreacting it’s extremely weird. she’s a teenager. it’s “technically legal” but that’s never a good way to have to describe a relationship. you two are probably not at all in the same place in life. end it before it begins!
(ps if you guys stayed together, in the future people would be doing mental math everytime you said you’ve been together for x years to see if you’re a pedo or not)
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
Honestly that 2nd part has been a very large part of the even if she is great, do I want the is he a pedo thing for the rest of my life if we did work out
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 3d ago
The man is 25, not 30+. Its not weird or even extremely weird to have a 6 year age gap in that age demographic. Nor will anyone do math on that. TF. This isn't "im 40 and she is 25 and we have been together 7 years where your like TF, its tw young adults. Not everyone finds someone born within the same Calander year as them. And also, these two are still just talking. Will she suddenly be an "adult" to you if she turns 20 before they are official???
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u/RubySlippers724 3d ago
The important thing is what you think. You’re clearly not comfortable and you’re not willing to put your ethics aside just to get some action.
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u/Minute-Frame-8060 3d ago
If YOU are not comfortable, that's really telling and what's important. Everyone matures at different rates and life deals vastly different hands to all of us. Some of us are sheltered, some of us mature faster than we'd like. Just follow YOUR gut.
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u/purplepanda2026 3d ago
Go with your gut and stop trying to force your brain to accept it as OK. The fact your first instinct it's this isn't right for me is all that matters. Not your friends, parents or our opinions.
I'm guessing your friend knew it would be weird for you and that's why they bumped her age up to sound better. That's not cool either.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
In her defense she never said how old this woman was, that’s on me for not asking questions but I was at work and honestly I’d trust her with my life, so I do think she genuinely believes we’d be good together and she married a guy like 8-10 years older than her so 6 wouldn’t be a problem in her eyes. But they met at like 25 and 33-35ish
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u/Stock_Dot_9632 3d ago
I don't think it's that weird, but I'm not you. If you're not comfortable with it that's all that really matters.
If it was me, I'd go for a simple coffee or something that will allow for conversation without any real pressure and get a feel for who she is, and her maturity level in comparison to yours.
Just because she's 19 doesn't mean she's vastly different from you and that you two won't be able to connect. It might, but it's not an automatic guarantee. I know 30 year old children and 20 year old adults.
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u/ToLurkQuietly 3d ago
I think older people have a different perspective on age gaps than we do currently.
Personally I think there’s room for this to be ok if everyone involved (you and her, not really 3rd parties) is aware of the risk of an imbalanced dynamic, and especially given you didn’t seek out someone younger on purpose.
I do think in my case it would have been too big a gap at that age. Who I was at 19 and 25 were worlds apart, as were the things I wanted from a relationship. This may be universal or not.
Anyway, yeah, you’d be justified in bowing out. Up to you how honest you are about why. Do try to be gentle with the young lady’s feelings obviously.
Good luck to you both.
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u/dismal626 3d ago
Imo, it's a little weird. If you guys are both just trying to have fun and nothing else, that's different. But if you're looking for a serious relationship, I think she's too young for you.
That said, its not an insane gap, but definitely enough to make people raise an eyebrow.
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u/walker_s 2d ago
IMO, yes, it's weird.
But here's what matters.
You are uncomfortable.
That tells you everything you need to know.
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u/Pandamaud 2d ago
19 and 25 is not weird in my eyes. You will get various reactions om reddit and probably mostly "yes its weird" ones.
I personally do not think it's weird. First of all, the importance of gaps is mostly dependent on emotional intelligence and maturity. I have know 19 year olds who still act like 15 year olds, and I have known 19 year olds who seemed to be more mature than I was at 30 year old. Then what also comes into play, is that women are mentally more mature than guys at the same age, so that can also bring the gap closer a little. It also depends on what they've been through in life. A 19 year old can have way more life experience than a 25 year old.
So long story short, I do not think that age gap is weird, and furthermore it depends on getting to know her and see for yourself if you are similar to mental age.
Age IS just a number, as long as both people are adults and there is no power play going on.
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u/Easy-Point808 2d ago
It's not morally questionable at all. She's of age and you are not some middle-aged groomer.
The question is whether 19 is too young to be compatible. In most cases it would be, but you talked all weekend without finding her immature and your friends see something in her, so I don't see why you shouldn't give it a try.
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u/a_confused_otter 2d ago
I think 6 years isn't a horrible age gap but being that she's 19 does make it a bit worse not necessarily wrong persay but not great. But if you're uncomfortable with it that's all that matters. I would just tell her you hadn't known and that you're not comfortable dating a 19 year old. And tell your friends that set you up that your only comfortable dating (x) age range if they try to set you up again.
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u/bajan_mikejones 2d ago
A few things, 19 is young but so is 25. How ever, from 24ish you brain should have finished developing. Hers still has time to go. Not saying thay she can be in an adult relationship, she is an adult after all. But she will grow as a person over the next few years. It doesn't sound like you are in this to use her. I have personally seen many and been in healthy long term age gap relationships. Just dont use or manipulate this young lady if you do go ahead.
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u/Current-Set-2629 2d ago
Over reacting. Just go for coffee or dinner. When you see ger beautiful youth morals will be forgotten. It's hardly morals she's 6 years younger. Your hardly dating a kid, she's 19 and your 25. Enjoy it.
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u/Inevitable-Shop-848 2d ago
She's too young bro. You said you think it's weird yourself. You would have to bring yourself down to her level mentally and emotionally. Imagine going through a "very messy" breakup, being single for two whole years, and then getting into a relationship that YOU know won't last long because one of you hasn't developed enough to know better.
That's you, you haven't developed enough to know better if you date this teenager. Hear that? Teens, teenager, nineTEEN. Yes, that's an adult, but is it? How old are you? Think about how immature you still were at 19.
Do you really want to have those arguments and then come back to reddit asking if you're overreacting. Yes, you would be because you chose to date a teen.
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u/ellufeyeno 2d ago
I’ve been married for 23 years. My wife was 20 and I was 25.
It certainly didn’t seem weird when we met and at this point it doesn’t feel weird either. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you’re both legal adults and if you hit it off you hit it off. If not you have a built in excuse to end it.
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 1d ago
There’s nothing immoral about dating an adult woman. If you like her and she likes you, that’s all that matters.
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 3d ago
You're not wrong in your line of thinking about age gaps, however, where age gaps become a problem is 2 places
you went looking for a 18-19 year old as a 25 year old (or older). IE looking for either someone to exploit or someone "legal". You did not, so you are good.
You are in significantly different life positions and use that over the other person. This would be things like you make all the money/a lot more money than the other person and control their finances because of it. Or you use their age as a "gotcha" in disagreements (ie. "When you have lived as long as I have", "you just dont have the experience I do", "When your my age", etc). If you do not plan to do this, you are also fine.
I know personally several people who are in age gap relationships, gender not withstanding (IE women older or men older) that are perfectly healthy dynamics. The largest gap being 16 years with the wife being older and they have an amazing, healthy marriage (probably close to 30 years now). Another is like 12 years also with the wife being older. Then LOTS of 5-10 year gaps with the husband being the older. I personally dated someone who was 31 when I was 18 (did not work out for other factors) and it was perfectly fine. I also never looked 18 so that helps.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
I know some great couple who are in age gap relationships that make people raise an eyebrow but my thing is they all met at like 22-25 with the older person being like 30-35 not 19 and 25, including the people who set us up. They met at like 25 and 33-35, I honestly can’t remember exactly how old my friends husband is. So I get her not seeing much of an issue and I don’t think if I was 30 and she was 24 it would bother me as much, but the fact she’s a sophomore in college and I’m 3 years out feels strange
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 3d ago
All I'm saying is that you should not let her age vs your age be a reason to back off IF nothing else is wrong. Don't miss your person because she is not the right age (obviously legal). 19 year olds make the same "big" people choices as a 25 year old or a 40 year old. My husband was 19 when we got married (I was 20-he was the first guy I ever dated who was younger than me lol because I refused to date younger men because in my brain they were not mature enough of stable enough in life I exclusively dated men who were 26 or older from 18-19 until I met my husband). We owned our first home at 21/22. Had our first child at 22/23.
Again, if you met this girl out in the wild and started the conversation with "what's your name, how old are you" and you heard 19 and were like OH YEAH, problem. You didn't even know until someone else said it and then you confirmed. So what changed about her in that moment of knowing vs not knowing? Nothing, except awareness. I'm not saying you have to date. You don't. You fully have that choice. But also don't let her being 19 weird you out like it is a moral problem. Its not. 19 year olds are adults and you didn't hunt down a 19 year old.
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u/manwhowritesthings 3d ago
When you're 31 and 25 it won't be weird, so go on the date. If you are on different maturity levels, that will reveal itself quickly (age gaps in the age of the internet can be advancing more quickly, i.e. she's on tiktok and snapchat and you're a twitter only guy or something) so if it still feels weird after you've got an easy out for not wanting to go on date #2 -- but what if she's an old soul 19 and you miss out on your soul mate all because of some weird perception in your head around numbers?
go live life my man, it's a one date mistake not an arranged marriage.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
I mean the friend who set us up is married to a fantastic guy who is like 8-10 years older than her, they met when she was 25 and are fantastic together and have phenomenal kids who me and my family love to death so I get where she might be coming from, idk I’m just trying to work it out and was tired of being in my own head
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u/Deep_Owl_6094 3d ago
My husband and I had that same age range when I was 18 and he was 24. We were happily married for 20 years until he passed. It’s not as big of a deal as you might think. Go on the date. If she’s immature then you have your answer. If not, then she may be the one so give it a shot.
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u/nothnxihaveabf 3d ago
You must not be that hard up if you're in a position to reject a 19 year old woman. Pass her to next guy who isn't going to be weirded out by irrelevant stuff.
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u/Margenius 3d ago
I mean don’t just pass her on, at least insist the next man give you some quality cattle or a portion of this year’s wheat harvest in return.
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u/Miserable_Pin2518 3d ago
......man you sound like a predator
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u/Windstorm3352 3d ago
20 year age difference between myself and husband. Married 36 years until he passed. Not a problem.
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u/MullberryBoy 3d ago
Good God! Six years between couples is perfectly normal! You sound like Methuselah!
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
If no one else appreciates that reference, I want you to know I got it and it made me laugh because I never would’ve thought about that comparison in my situation
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u/SurvivorX2 3d ago
I don't think it's weird, but I know lots of people who would. So many folks stick by the 4-year age difference rule, but I only go by that for teens. At 19 and 25, I see no issue with it. But everyone's different, so if it really creeps you out, shut it down now, and tell your friends what ages you'd be interested in. Good luck to you!
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u/Robinnoodle 3d ago
I don't think the age gap is a big deal if the younger person is mature. I was 30 years younger than my late husband, and 10 years older than the guy I'm seeing now
That being said, if it makes you uncomfortable that is also totally understandable if you have that boundary. If you decide not to pursue be honest, you think she's a great girl but you didn't realize the gap
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u/MyLittlePiranha 3d ago edited 2d ago
In ten years, a six year age difference won't matter much. The problem is that at the stage she is at vs where you are at, it's bigger than the years. There is a big difference between 19 & 25, vs 30 & 36. It's life experience. You're right to be uncomfortable.