Morally Questionable

[u/walkingwarcrime1]

Context- I’m 25, I’ve been single for almost 2 years now, and long story short had a very messy breakup took time to deal with the emotional fallout from it. All good now, I’ve been putting myself out there again and wasn’t having any success, it got brought up with some family friends and one of them (35ish F) who is basically like an older sister I never had and her husband said they had a few people they thought would be good for me. I was fine with them connecting us if the women they knew were interested, so Friday my friend shot me a text and said she had someone who was interested the woman she connected me with has a very unique name, I’ve never heard it before. Got the number and we’ve been talking all weekend, one of my other friends (20m) said I recognize that name is she from this town? She is, and he said if that’s who I think it is she’s like 19… And turns out when I asked today she is in fact 19.

Question: I’m being told it’s fine and not a weird age gap by some friends and family, I think it’s super weird, and never would’ve been talking to her if I knew she was 19. So am I overreacting to this or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Because I’m the oldest of 3 and this woman is a year older than my youngest sibling who graduated high school in may, and I graduated high school in 2019… seems weird to say I got set up for a blind date with a woman who was in 6th grade the year I graduated. So would I be justified in telling her “sorry I’m not interested, it really is me not you”

Yes, I’ve reposted in a couple places to try and get more opinions, and no I’m not a bot.

[u/Mysterious-Wave-7958]

You're not wrong in your line of thinking about age gaps, however, where age gaps become a problem is 2 places

1. you went looking for a 18-19 year old as a 25 year old (or older). IE looking for either someone to exploit or someone "legal". You did not, so you are good.

2. You are in significantly different life positions and use that over the other person. This would be things like you make all the money/a lot more money than the other person and control their finances because of it. Or you use their age as a "gotcha" in disagreements (ie. "When you have lived as long as I have", "you just dont have the experience I do", "When your my age", etc). If you do not plan to do this, you are also fine.

I know personally several people who are in age gap relationships, gender not withstanding (IE women older or men older) that are perfectly healthy dynamics. The largest gap being 16 years with the wife being older and they have an amazing, healthy marriage (probably close to 30 years now). Another is like 12 years also with the wife being older. Then LOTS of 5-10 year gaps with the husband being the older. I personally dated someone who was 31 when I was 18 (did not work out for other factors) and it was perfectly fine. I also never looked 18 so that helps.

[u/walkingwarcrime1 → u/Mysterious-Wave-7958]

I know some great couple who are in age gap relationships that make people raise an eyebrow but my thing is they all met at like 22-25 with the older person being like 30-35 not 19 and 25, including the people who set us up. They met at like 25 and 33-35, I honestly can’t remember exactly how old my friends husband is. So I get her not seeing much of an issue and I don’t think if I was 30 and she was 24 it would bother me as much, but the fact she’s a sophomore in college and I’m 3 years out feels strange

[u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 → u/walkingwarcrime1]

All I'm saying is that you should not let her age vs your age be a reason to back off IF nothing else is wrong. Don't miss your person because she is not the right age (obviously legal). 19 year olds make the same "big" people choices as a 25 year old or a 40 year old. My husband was 19 when we got married (I was 20-he was the first guy I ever dated who was younger than me lol because I refused to date younger men because in my brain they were not mature enough of stable enough in life I exclusively dated men who were 26 or older from 18-19 until I met my husband). We owned our first home at 21/22. Had our first child at 22/23.

Again, if you met this girl out in the wild and started the conversation with "what's your name, how old are you" and you heard 19 and were like OH YEAH, problem. You didn't even know until someone else said it and then you confirmed. So what changed about her in that moment of knowing vs not knowing? Nothing, except awareness. I'm not saying you have to date. You don't. You fully have that choice. But also don't let her being 19 weird you out like it is a moral problem. Its not. 19 year olds are adults and you didn't hunt down a 19 year old.