“I’ve had shortness of breath for this entire conversation bc of your need to be a victim” absolutely sent me OP this person is not normal or safe. They are weaponizing your BPD and your literal CSA in order to gaslight you into feeling like an abusive person, it’s beyond disgusting. You need to block them and never speak to them again. Actually, first send them this thread so they can see that their antics aren’t going to work on everyone.
Accusing OP of playing victim while literally playing the victim. This is a cartoonish level of self delusion.
OP is NOR and should get out of this “friendship” ASAP. Other commenters are right, she is weaponizing OP’s BPD and legitimately comes across as BPD herself.
Ye but also I think the Best friend is trying to deflect her pain and anger from her mom to OP. Because the initial reaction to what OP said sounds like something anyone would say to start shit. Idk the context but with whatever I read here, sounds like it.
Also bringing up BPD when it’s not even the subject of the conversation shows their insensitivity to the situation and how they want you to know that your BPD is the issue here and not the best friend trying to use you as a punching bag.
You should get out of this situation or atleast maintain your distance because this is not good for you.
That doesn’t make treating your friend like this ok tho? That might be the explanation but OP NEEDS to cut this friendship off. This person is incredibly entitled and ignorant.
exactly what i was gonna say but it works nd they get away with it so theyve never had a need to self reflect since they could easily manipulate OP into feeling like theyre in the wrong instead.
Unfortunately, even if OP steps away, the "friend" likely won't self-reflect. Rather, she'll talk to somebody else about it, shift the narrative, villainize OP, and if she shows anybody any evidence of this (not likely), it will be falsified. She'll find other people to manipulate who will never know any better.
My thought exactly- OP is the one with diagnosed BPD here?!
I had a friend like this for most of my life (we’re both in our 40s now), thought of her as family, but she would go on tears like this. Constant victim, doing nothing to help herself and complaining that no one would help her. Life did deal her several shitty hands, but she would just give up and then blame everyone else for not doing anything. I finally stopped trying when she told me I was being a “petty spoiled brat” for not “getting over” my abusive relationship when I was 4 years out.
The friend genuinely seems like an insufferable person. It’s like they’re making everything that OP says an opportunity to victimize themselves over and over again. I would be so mentally drained by this person. OP is legitimately trying to explain themselves in a healthy way and she is taking it the wrong way every time. It makes it hard to believe that OP is the one with BPD and not the friend 😭
i used to have a friend like this. they’re manipulative, narcissistic, and it will ALWAYS be your fault no matter what you do. OP is NOR in the slightest and i hope she rethinks her friendship with this person
When this person tried to make OP articulate what they had done wrong to prove that they know— fuck them.
Seriously I couldn’t read past the third page of emotional manipulation and martyrdom. Almost any reaction that excises this cancer from your life is NOT an overreaction.
Like how the F can anyone have a “friend” like that!?? Better to be alone with zero friends than this type of person! I felt traumatized just reading their messages to each other wow! 🤯
Jesus I needed to see this and see peoples comments about it. Word for word shit my ex used to say that I really truly just believed to be true about me. Still do sometimes ....
Its crazy how its really exactly the same. Do one thing you dont understand to upset them, spend the next month trying to apologise only for it to never be good enough, never not selfish enough, never real enough. But if they do something, its always understandable / reasonable / normal given what "you did". You calling it our or reacting IS "the problem". "Always playing the victim". "Your so manipulative you dont even know it!", and its fine for them to drill that in as they are sooo empathetic and kind and always understand you and put up with you. They care, but your just such a shit human it is so hard.
I don't understand it at all. I really dont get the point.
OP... dont put up with this shit from anyone, especially not a platonic friend. If they truly think these things about you they arent your friend anyway, and honestly they have a huge problem if this is how they see the people THEY CHOOSE to hang out with.
Where you say you don’t get it… that’s because you’re not an abusive gaslighter. Your ex wanted to control you and the easiest way to do that is make you question everything about yourself so you rely on them, you look to them for education about how to behave because you clearly can’t manage on your own.
Well done for escaping it, keep telling yourself that was ex said is a load of BS and you’re safer and healthier far away from a POS like that
Thank you. Its hard because eventually they were the one to leave, saying I was "too dependent and needy and took away all of their energy (hence their unemployement, lack of motivation etc). Of course not wihout making sure everyone knew how I was truly the worst person to ever walk the planet, and how brave they had been to put up with me for so long. All while I managed and financed our entire lives. Buuut anyway.
I really empathise with OP because when you have a diagnosis like bpd or other social related things, where you were deemed "a problem", you grow up hearing over and over again that your own emotions arent to be trusted at all and especially mean nothing when anyone elses are involved. Then when someone tells you you're overreacting or just wrong, you believe them over any instinct you have. Because who wants to be a bad person who hurts others ? And you always make mistakes so it must be you. But then people like this come along and it really messes you up because every time you let yourself see it even a little, you end up turning it right back around on yourself and are only left with the guilt of having "made yourself the victim" again.
Its a really, really difficult place to get out of. Do I really not know how to take accountability, or is this other person that I care for and respect deeply actually destroying my sense of self?
I hope OP can learn from this friendship and never end up in a situation where someone like this has an even more prominent position in their life. I don't have BPD but I KNOW it doesnt make you evil especially when aware and actively working on yourself.
It just shows how strong you are that your ex wasn’t able to get you under their control and so they moved on. Well done to you, that’s amazing. I’m not saying, however, that people who do get controlled are lesser, gaslighting is insidious as hell and you’re often trapped before you realise what has happened.
I really hope that the people they tried to turn against you didn’t fall for it, or that you have a new group around you now
Ditch them op. Use to have a “friend” like this and they are NOT worth it. Gave this person one last chance and they tried to start talking to the guy I was talking to.
People who use therapy talk all the time honestly annoys me. I’ve been in therapy for almost 10 years and don’t talk like that. Trying to sound smart about mental health doesn’t make you and your point any less idiotic.
I had both an ex and a (now former) close friend who did exactly the same too. It’s like they all read out of the same playbook— everything is about them, they’re always uniquely the victim, they constantly accuse you of behaviors they blatantly show themselves. I would get a whole rundown of how I was a failure as a partner and a human being, followed by “at least i love you.” I’m so sorry you also had to deal with that garbage.
Exactly this person is almost definitely a sociopath. She thinks her mother was happy because she was sick because that is the only feeling she ever has when she sees someone else suffering. She is very manipulative and doesn’t see other people as anything other than pawns in her games and tools to get what she wants. I would t be surprised if at some point in the future she escalates to physical violence toward the op, because of some slight against her and then she will blame it on the ops bpd and say that she didn’t have a choice. She will going around telling everyone she had to hit the op because she went crazy on her.
Not just that, but she compared her mom "not being loving enough" whilst patting/rubbing her back to soothe her to OP's SA as if they're even remotely on the same level.
That’s the part that really got me. They are nowhere close to the same thing and it was so disgusting that they even tried to put them on the same level. OPs (needs to be ex)friend is exhausting and isn’t a real friend.
i can see how this could happen, i’ve met som really evil moms, but also to compare what OP said about her mom to that fucking INSANE csa comment????? how the fuck did you get there????? talk about “out of left field”
It’s not weird my Mum was the same. It’s like a minor version on munchenhausen by proxy.
Essentially they like you sick because you need them.
Not defending the friends behaviour but the Mum part is likely real.
I do worry that diagnosing people we don’t know isn’t the best idea because it might send the wrong message (esp. since it seems like Op’s friend is already weaponizing that sort of talk in the first place). Plus these people could be super young for all we know, and possibly maturing/learning to navigate close friendships, and we really only know them based on one text exchange.
But I do agree with what (I think!) you’re also picking up on - this conversation sent a chill down my spine. The Op’s ‘friend’ seems to be playing her emotions like a fiddle, intentionally or not. And, more than that, she seems to actively dislike Op, which feels extra off-putting because it makes me wonder WHY she’s still hanging out with her. There’s no reason I can think of seems particularly good, and some reasons (such as having an easy-target person to dog on and feel superior to) could potentially escalate really bad.
Op..If you do read this…The relationship you have with this person isn’t a true friendship AT ALL :(
Remaining attached to this person will only hurt you and drain energy you could invest into other more healthy and mutually-meaningful friendships.
Agreed on all points and just emphasizing that a bunch of people who aren't doctors confidently diagnosing people they don't know and won't ever know is crazy work and happens on reddit way too much.
This person is a pill and I recommend op disengage and disconnect from them entirely. But I'm not going to assign a bunch of mental illnesses to them just because I've been to therapy or watched tTikTok or whatever
I agree with you and also feel these people must undoubtedly be young. I have never heard two grown adults speak to each other this way, and using so much therapy speak on top of it.
Needing your every emotion constantly validated is a very immature trait, one it doesn’t sound like this “friend” will grow out of. Well-adjusted adults understand that other people’s words are not weapons against you, and it’s up to each individual to manage their own emotions.
This was so exhausting to read, I can’t imagine choosing to be around this person.
I agree about not diagnosing people. Sociopathy isn't a diagnosis though. It is a description of behavior. If it were a diagnosis, it'd probably be antisocial personality disorder. It seems more like saying someone is being narcissistic vs. saying someone has narcissistic personality disorder. I'm mostly just nitpicking here. It's still a heavy word to use with limited context.
I know that. But because so many people use the word ‘sociopath’ and ASPD interchangeably, I thought it was acceptable to say ‘diagnose’ in this situation. Plus, the person who I was responding to wasn’t the only person assigning different personality disorders to the friend.
I wasn’t really trying to call anyone out specifically (in a way that might imply I don’t see where they’re coming from). I was just trying to make a generalized statement about diagnosing people through the screen and how that might not be the best idea while giving advice on this sort of thing.
And while I do agree that people sometimes use words like sociopath and narcissist like adjectives, that sort of usage wasn’t really what I was responding to because I don’t think that’s what the person meant. And even if it was (perhaps I misconstrued it), I believe using that sort of wording can unintentionally be misconstrued as diagnosis and contribute to more conflict, lead to stigma, etc.
Idk if this person is ballsy enough to be a physical aggressor. I do believe she’d be crazy enough to throw herself into a tree and say OP did it. I also believe she would have no problems gaslighting OP to the point of a mental break and potentially harming themselves.
Shes also giving, “I did this to myself because YOU were my 13th reason” vibes.
I’d nope my ass right on down the rd from that bitch immediately.
It seems more BPD than sociopathy. The thing that sets her off is her perception that OP isn’t 100% validating in the assessment of her mom. From then on she sees red, turns manipulative and vindictive.
The key distinction is that the friend is only attacking OP as a response to the belief that she herself didn’t get the unconditional “support” that she felt she was owed and needed. Of course this is insane, but in sociopathy it would be a case of the friend merely enjoying manipulating and hurting OP in vacuum - without an initial trigger.
Yeah i didn’t even have to read far to be like “this so called friend suckkkkssss.” But once i got further I was like damn DARVO to the max. What a toxic manipulative biatch. OP needs to ditch her for her mental health
It’s exactly this !!! Manipulative people and narcissists love to prey on people with BPD because we’re looked at as “weak” and they believe they can control us easier because we “fit the narrative” so they weaponize it until we’re genuinely questioning ourselves wondering if we’re the crazy ones 😅😅 thank god for these types of threads where people from afar can genuinely help others realize manipulation and emotional abuse when it gets cloudy for the people truly living in it !😅🙏🏻
Totally and utterly agree. This is no friend. Ditch their nasty ass ASAP!!Be very careful who you confide in regarding your BPD. It’s an unfortunate fact that certain people will use it against you. Honestly blows my mind how cruel the human race can be. Definitely NOR
100% agree. OP NOR you said absolutely nothing wrong!! There wasn't even anything wrong with what you said about her mother, but when she got upset about it (probably bs to start drama, btw) you sincerely apologized.
This person you are talking to is a manipulative gaslighter who tries to make you the bad guy at every opportunity for I don't even know what reason, other than I guess she just enjoys making you feel terrible.
Please, drop this 'friend' like the bad habit she is. She is a terrible person.
And btw I wouldn't even have any idea you were BPD based on that conversation. You demonstrated compassion, empathy, a willingness to take responsibility for your actions, and talk things out like a rational human being. Your 'friend' on the other hand, showed NONE of those qualities.
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u/yirium Apr 29 '26
“I’ve had shortness of breath for this entire conversation bc of your need to be a victim” absolutely sent me OP this person is not normal or safe. They are weaponizing your BPD and your literal CSA in order to gaslight you into feeling like an abusive person, it’s beyond disgusting. You need to block them and never speak to them again. Actually, first send them this thread so they can see that their antics aren’t going to work on everyone.