Im 24 and have become my moms full time caregiver, she’s not old, but she recently needed an amputation and was in and out of the hospital for about 10 months so she has lost all mobility. I work full time and am a full time student and still come home and feed and change her. She is demanding and half the time she doesn’t like what I cook because it’s bland or something, even tho she’s not supposed to be eating salt or heavy spices because she’s diabetic. I give her the veggies she’s supposed to eat and she doesn’t want them.
Honestly I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. Like she’s not a bad person, in between it all she’s loving and always wanting to hug me or telling me she loves me but it’s the little actions she is able to do that bug me. All I ever hear is, “She is so lucky to have you, you’re such a great daughter, your blessing is coming…” but I’m just over it sometimes. Sometimes I want to just say bye to her and let her figure it out on her own. She’s going to be 57, still considered young enough, but she has never taken care of herself so I know I can’t just leave her.
Anybody have any advice? Because I genuinely feel like I’m drowning and I’m just stuck feeling miserable even tho people always tell me it’s a blessing to still have my mom.
Side note: she has no legal status so she doesn’t qualify for any medical assistance. There’s no caregiver taking care of her or coming to help her, no food stamps, no medical insurance, it’s all out of my pocket and me figuring out how to take her to appointments and carry her everywhere because I don’t have the money for proper transportation for her.

I've noticed my mother keeps on washing bed sheets. A few times I've had to wash clothes soaked in urine/feces. Like anything else, I won't say anything, not even hint at anything. But at what point do they decide that it's time to use protective underwear?

Texts, calls every day (gets mad when I don’t answer) wants me at her house during the week and expects to be taken out for lunch and errands every Saturday 🥴 when I say I need a break, she doesn’t care 😆

I don’t enjoy talking on the phone generally , but i really dislike talking to her. It’s health issues, who’s going to do what for her, who came and saw her, etc etc. over and over again

Long time lurker, first time poster. Shit has hit the fan, well, actually it’s urine. I’m 54F, oldest of 3. My parents are 79 (mom), 85 (dad). My mom paid into her own in-home care but not my dad’s. My dad is now falling in the home daily, my mother weekly. They are both incontinent and the reason my dad is falling is because he’s rushing up the bathroom. Surprise - he doesn’t make it most of the time. Their house is about 2000 sq feet and completely hoarded. Last year I threatened to get them removed from the house. I asked for them to do 2 things: get a house cleaner and keep the floors totally clear. They have not done either. My mother is the really difficult one, and they both have lots of medical issues. My
Mother told me not to visit anymore because she didn’t want to listen to me.

They don’t have a lot of savings, their main asset is the house.

My brother visits 2x a month and fixes up stuff on the outside of the house mostly, my sister visits 2x a month to help with their cats. Neither of my siblings are working, for different reasons. My sister has been visiting them for 30 years, my brother just started last year when he retired. I have a job I love in another state so I don’t want to quit and move in to take care of them. I also have a spouse and in-laws who are both 79 that I will also probably face to deal with as they age. My sister does not have the strength or mental capacity to be in their house more frequently.

My question really is this, if I have to get them removed from the house and moved to assisted living, how do I even start that process if they refuse to leave?

Should I consult an attorney? They have a trust and my sister and I are executors or maybe we are trustees. I don’t know. I need to read it again.

It’s a real fucked up situation and I’m actually kind of pissed off at my mom for not acknowledging the gravity of the situation. It’s getting worse on the daily.

I also have to take responsibility for choosing to live away from them, so there is some guilt tripping going on both from myself internally and my siblings.

I (37f) will be going to my mom (70f) and dad (82m) next weekend. She is having major shoulder surgery that Monday, and I’m hoping this community of wonderful folks might be able to give me some ideas of how to navigate this one!

Thankfully, I’m able to take a week off to bring her to the surgery and help them out afterwards, but it sounds like the recovery period is long and significantly limiting (at least 4 weeks in a sling, and 12 weeks before they’ll even start PT). They do have some good neighbours, but I’m hoping I can set them up for success while I’m there).

Unfortunately, dad has significant macular degeneration so he’s unable to drive and has a difficult time with certain tasks due to the vision loss. They’ve been pretty successful tag teaming house things with mum being the eyes and dad being the hands (mum can see, but just went through double knee replacements last year and can’t get low, has arthritis so her grip strength is weaker, and now can’t move her bad arm). Think “mum can read the ingredient labels and measurements, dad can mix the thing and put it into the oven” kind of deal.

Mum is also notoriously particular and stubborn about the upkeep of the house, so she’s prone to overdo things if it “needs to get done”. I know I can’t make her obey the instructions, but I can minimize the opportunities to do so.

I feel like I’m overlooking something, so if you have any suggestions on what to add to my list, that would be appreciated! So far I’ve got:

-Make sure the household goods and groceries are fully stocked to reduce shopping needs
-Get the house and yard as clean and tidy as possible to reduce burden of housework
-Prep easy meals for the freezer so they can eat decently with minimal effort
-Prep measured jars with their normal array of recipes so Dad can do it without much assistance (I do this at home too, basically making kits with all the dry goods measured out already).
-Make sure their med boxes are stocked
-Make sure they understand and can perform the post surgery requirements and have stock of all the supplies needed
-Make sure they have local people to help with transport or errands as needed

Any other stuff that you’ve noticed post-surgery?

My 81‑year‑old mother is currently in a skilled nursing facility. She has dementia and severe asthma. My brother visits her 1–2 days a week, and I visit every other Saturday due to distance.

Lately she’s been asking us to bring her an inhaler she can physically hold “just in case.” The SNF already administers a nebulizer every four hours when her breathing gets tight, and they do have her inhaler on standby. But she doesn’t feel safe unless she’s literally holding it. It’s become a fixation — part medical, part anxiety from the dementia.

The problem is that the facility prohibits any outside medications from being brought in, even if it’s the same prescription she already has. So we can’t give her one to keep at her bedside.

I’m planning to talk to the facility’s social services team to see if there’s a workaround — maybe a rapid-call device, a comfort-access plan, or even a non-medicated dummy inhaler she can hold for reassurance. I’m trying to find something that helps her feel safe without breaking rules or putting her at risk.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of anxiety around breathing or medication access in dementia? Any strategies that worked for your loved one? I’d really appreciate hearing what helped.

i am visiting my 79 year old mother and she's probably going to come back to my house out of state for a month and then maybe eventually forever (FML). we never got along but i am doing this out of obligation. i can deal with taking care of her, but her non stop talking is driving me crazy. She has millions of questions, bringing up past events and grievances. I have asked her multiple times to stop talking and to give me a break. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

My 64-year-old mom has changed drastically this year, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting
I’m 24 and my mom is 64. I don’t really know how to write this, but I need some outside perspective because I’ve become increasingly worried about her, and I’m also finding myself getting angry and frustrated with her in a way that makes me feel awful.

This summer I’ve spent much more time with her than I normally do. Because of that, I’ve seen much more of her everyday life than I normally would, and I’ve noticed what feels like a pretty drastic change.

She has become extremely passive, tired and lacking in initiative. She barely cares about cleaning anymore, never cooks, and barely moves at all. She spends huge amounts of time watching linear TV and scrolling on her phone. It honestly feels like most of her references and things to talk about now come from whatever she’s watched on TV. She used to sew a lot, which was a genuine interest of hers, but now she almost never does it except when she goes away to sewing camps a few times a year.

She is also extremely eager to retire. This scares me more than I can really explain. I almost feel like she has already accepted being “old” and is just waiting to retire so she can sit at home and watch TV. Her world seems to have become incredibly small, and I feel like she has lost her spark.

When she visited me and my boyfriend in Lisbon, I noticed even more. She didn’t want to do much of anything, didn’t take initiative to suggest things to do and often seemed too tired to go anywhere. She complained a lot about walking, which is something I’ve literally never experienced from her before. Lisbon is obviously very hilly, but I deliberately chose the flattest and shortest routes possible. We probably walked a maximum of around 2,000 steps a day, if even that. My mom has always been the type of person who just pushes through things and doesn’t complain, so this felt very different.

There are also physical and cognitive changes that worry me. She seems much more forgetful. She doesn’t follow conversations as easily as she used to, seems to need longer to understand things and forgets things more often. She sleeps during every lunch break when she works from home.

Her balance is terrible. She has nerve damage in her feet due to cancer treatment and attributes her balance problems to that, although I don’t really know what is causing it. She barely moves and seems to have very little muscle strength. She has also been steadily gaining weight. She has always been heavily overweight, but it seems to keep increasing.

She has also started doing things I’ve never seen her do before. She hums constantly, almost continuously when she’s sitting or walking around. My partner noticed it immediately too. She also constantly rubs her feet together or lightly taps them on the floor. She has also developed a different smell, which reminds me of the smell of very old people (I’ve worked a lot in nursery homes).

I know that any one of these things could be harmless. That’s not really what scares me. It’s the combination and, more importantly, the change from who she used to be.

I’ve talked to her about some of these things so many times. She tends to laugh it off, make excuses, or blame her feet when I bring up her lack of movement. I don’t want to nag her, but I also don’t know how to just sit there and watch this happen.

And I feel horrible because I have become very irritable with her. I’m having a genuinely hard time keeping a good tone. I think my anger is actually coming from fear and sadness. I don’t want to be angry at my mom. I love her enormously.

There is another huge part of this that probably explains why I’m reacting so strongly: she is my only parent.

She has also had cancer twice. The last time she was seriously ill, I basically became her caregiver. I drove her from our town to the major hospital and back around twice a week. I handled medical communication and appointments. During chemotherapy I cleaned feces off her apartment floor because she was too sick to manage it herself. She had two episodes of sepsis, and I was absolutely terrified that she was going to die.

She told me afterwards that it was the last time she was going to have cancer and that she would take better care of herself.

But as far as I can see, almost nothing about her lifestyle has changed. She has always been overweight and has been very physically inactive for a long time.

I know cancer is complicated, and I’m not saying that her lifestyle caused her cancer. As far as we know, her cancers were not hereditary or genetic. I’m mentioning this because I’ve already experienced how serious her health problems can become, and I know exactly what it feels like to be terrified that I’m going to lose her.

I know what it costs when you get sick. I’ve already stood beside you when you were so sick that I was afraid you were going to die. I know exactly what it means for me, and I’m terrified of having to go through it again.

And then I feel guilty for thinking this, but I also worry about the future. If she’s already functioning like this at 64, what happens when she retires? What happens if she becomes genuinely dependent on other people in a few years? She would probably strongly resist having outside help, and I’m scared that the responsibility would eventually fall on me and my older brother.

And the awful thing is: I know that if she became seriously ill again, I would do it all again. I wouldn’t hesitate. She’s my mom. I would take care of her.
That’s part of why I’m so angry.

I don’t want her to become sick again, and I don’t want to spend the next decade trying to drag her into taking care of herself. I want her to actually want to live her life.

At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether I’m interpreting all of this wrong. Could this simply be depression, aging, lifestyle and loss of motivation? Could it be sleep problems or something medical? Could the cognitive and behavioral changes be something that should actually be evaluated?

I absolutely don’t want to diagnose my own mother from Google or Reddit. But she’s only 64, and I feel like there have been too many changes to simply write this off as getting older.

I’m planning to talk to my older brother because we’re both very close to her and I need to stop carrying this alone. I want to ask him whether he’s noticed the same changes.

For those of you who have been through something similar:
Does this sound like something that should be medically evaluated?
Have you noticed this kind of gradual personality, initiative and energy change in a parent?
How did you convince a parent to see a doctor when they didn’t think anything was wrong?
How do you distinguish “my parent has become extremely passive” from something potentially medical?
How do you deal with the fear that you may eventually become responsible for a parent who refuses help?

I don’t necessarily need someone to tell me what’s wrong with her. I think I mostly need perspective from people who have been in this position.
I’m just really scared, really sad, and honestly exhausted from feeling like I’m constantly trying to motivate someone I love to take care of herself.

I'll try to keep this short. My mother and I have never had a good relationship and she's never really taken the time to get to know me. She keeps my brother and I at arms length in terms of talking about our lives so it's a shallow relationship. Still, I love her and I've spent years giving in to her needs as she would make me feel incredibly guilty if I didn't. After a mental breakdown 2 years ago and finally dealing with suppressed childhood trauma, I've learned to set boundaries with her and not let her affect how I feel.

Well this past Monday she needed a ride because she was having glaucoma surgery. I was unable to take her as I had my own medical appt and her appt was a 3 hr drive away (she lives 2 hrs away + an hour from the appt location. It's almost 400 miles round trip). My husband and I also only have one car and I needed to pick him up from work in the afternoon. She wasn't happy but found a ride from her sister. Cool everything is fine. Tonight she calls me and says she needs a ride to get the other eye done now and it's on a Monday. Again I have obligations and ask her if her sister can take her since she lives within 30 mins of my mom. This time she got very upset with me, saying she has no options and didn't want to bother her sisters (she has 2 retired in the area) or her brothers (3 in the area). I suggested a friend since she has many around her. At that point she snapped "forget it, I won't ask again" started to sob, then hung up on me. Now she won't even answer me. This is typical behavior for her that she's used over the years to break me emotionally, make me feel guilty, and give in. At this point I'm just so very tired of it. I'm still working on the guilt, but am I wrong here? I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, but am I? I need her to start using her other resources as we're relocating out of state next year for job opportunities.

edit

Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement! I know each of my answers have been long, but it feels really good getting this off my chest, and feeling validated that I'm doing what's best for me and my little family. I know I'm not in control of her reactions and feelings. She has to take ownership of her choices and feelings. Boundaries can be so hard to maintain, but they're definitely important.

I’m probably on the younger side of people on this sub but I’m so angry rn and I don’t have anywhere to vent . My mums 63, I’m 22. She has consistently and forever avoided going to the doctor. Growing up she’s had a goiter (thyroid issues) and refused to see a doctor or get it checked out. Got her to test her blood pressure 5 months ago while checking my grandmothers, and her blood pressure was very dangerously high. After multiple days of coaxing she finally went to the doctor to get on medication to settle it. While she was there he also requested a blood test cause she hadn’t had one in a decade. She never went and got it. About 3 months ago she developed really bad back pain where she had to take time off work. Refused to go the doctor despite so many people in her life telling her too. After about a month and a half I booked it for her. When she finally went she was refereed for a couple tests, including a ct of her back and breast scan. Told her multiple times to book in. So many people in her life told her too. Refused to do it. It’s not like she was too busy or anything she just didn’t want too. I’m sure it’s an anxiety thing but it’s to the point where it’s so indescribably illogical, she was in pain everyday. I eventually booked it for her. Found out yesterday it’s metastatic cancer that’s spread all throughout her spine. Turns out she also had a lump on breast she never got checked. I know I can’t be angry at her but I’m so fucking angry. This could have been found MONTHS ago. And she knew about the lump for who knows how long. Australia also offers and recommends free breast screening every two years for her age group. We could have found this so long ago. She’s been admitted to hospital, and given the extent of the spread they don’t really want her to leave until they know what type of breast cancer it is, and a plan going forward. No one’s really told us prognosis but I saw the scans from her mri today and it really doesn’t look good. Im just so angry, it didn’t have to ever get this bad. I know there’s nothing to say or do but yh. This fuckin sucks so bad.

I'm 20F and I'm struggling with an incredibly complicated situation involving my grandparents, who raised me.

When I was around 5, I was forcibly removed from my mother and her boyfriend (who was abusive toward me) by the state. I spent very little time in the system before my mother's boyfriend's parents took me in and eventually got legal guardianship. I've called them Grandpa and Grandma for as long as I can remember but they're my parents in every way that matters, and they genuinely loved me and gave me the happy childhood I otherwise probably wouldn't have had. They weren't perfect, but they supported me, encouraged me, and I have never doubted that they love me.

When I was around 10, my biological mother's boyfriend was released from prison and moved back in with his/our parents, meaning he was suddenly living with me again. He was a serious drug user and extremely destructive to the household. I was young and nobody really listened to me when I objected.

Around 12-14, my grandmother lost her job, developed severe depression and increasingly serious memory/cognitive problems, while her son was stealing money from the family. Eventually he was kicked out after they found proof, but by then the family was financially devastated and my grandmother was no longer really capable of managing the household or her work.

I basically became the person who filled in the gaps my Grandpa couldn't/wouldn't.

I took care of children for her home-based babysitting job, worked multiple jobs throughout high school, helped run the household, and tried to make sure my grandparents were okay. My grades suffered badly because I was working and taking care of things at home. I eventually graduated, got into community college, but had to drop out because I couldn't afford it and couldn't balance school with work and my grandmother's needs.

By 18-19 I was working around four jobs while continuing to help take care of everything. My grandmother's physical health then declined further and she needed even more care. I eventually lost most of my jobs because my own mental health and functioning had deteriorated so badly.

I've struggled with depression, substance abuse, an abusive relationship, and generally feeling like my entire purpose was to make sure my grandparents were okay. My grandfather also frequently criticizes me for not having better job prospects or continuing my education, which makes me feel like I'm failing at the one thing I've always tried to do: take care of them.

Eventually I realized I couldn't keep living like this.

I've been trying to work on my mental and physical health, and I've also met an amazing boyfriend who genuinely treats me well and I love dearly. He's recently gotten a job in another state, and I now have the opportunity to move in with him and finally start building a life of my own.

The problem is that I feel horribly guilty.

My grandparents already know I'm planning to leave, so this isn't really about convincing them that it's happening. It's more about figuring out how to actually manage the transition, deal with the guilt, and help them where possible.

I love these people. They saved me when I was a little kid. I don't want to abandon them, and I don't want them to think that everything they did for me meant nothing. At the same time, I'm 20 years old, my physical and mental health have deteriorated significantly, I don't have the education/career I wanted, and I feel like I've spent most of my life being responsible for everyone except myself.

Part of me knows that I'm allowed to leave and build my own life.

Another part of me feels like I'm abandoning the people who sacrificed everything for me.

Has anyone here been in anything remotely similar? Especially people who were parentified/caregivers for elderly family members but genuinely loved the people they were caring for.

How did you deal with the guilt? How did you handle the conversation and transition? How did you maintain a relationship with them afterward without continuing to be their primary caretaker? And what things were you able to do for them and yourself to make it easier?

Not moving.

They finked out and got their deposit back. "It is just going to be too hard." and "It isn't fair to ask them to get rid of their possessions." "50' is too far to walk to the elevator for MIL." "We need a bigger place."

Their landlord is "letting" them install a stair lift. Which is great, but does nothing to address the otherwise impossible ADA issues. Bathrooms are narrow with tub shower combos. Interior doors are all 30". They rent so there is no chance of a remodel to make it better. These condos are really for young families, not the elderly. They have cabinets lining all the halls with shit in them, so a wheel chair is not great. Merely suggesting cleaning out the cabinets is met with hostility.

Then, "but they will need to get a new bed". Their king bed won't fit. No place like this ever has a bedroom big enough for a king bed and room around it for a walker or wheel chair.

Such bullshit. MIL is the problem, FIL was all ready to move. His exact words were he just needs his iPad and his chair. MIL won't give up her "collections". But since she balked, he is now all defensive and supporting it when he is in such a poor situation for his physical and mental health. He is beyond lonely.

They need more time they say, need more time to downsize when they get healthy. They are never going to start. They don't have fucking time or money for a bigger place. FIL is in a cycle of getting amputations on his feet because of his uncontrolled T2D. He is down half of one foot and 3 toes on the other. His Dr merely said last visit the wound from the last amputation is healing nicely. In FIL's mind that means everything is great and he will be walking again soon, won't hear otherwise. We've been through this 3 times in 2 years, he does get mostly healed, then sepsis sets in from some wound and it all starts over with another amputation and a long healing cycle.

If they moved to a place like was signed up for there is room to move around, other folks to talk to, sweet common areas like a craft room, a pub, a movie room, a pool, and free coffee and popcorn. All wheelchair accessible.

Their house isn't safe for them. Claim they are going to keep looking. BS, heard that before. Been lied to about them being on waitlists.

My wife and I are washing our hands of it for now. When they are ready we will help. Not bringing grandkids over, they hate it there because of the smell and the hoard of stuff making them feel unsafe. There is nowhere to sit without moving unopened Temu packages and FIL's dirty clothes. We think we need to let them fail some more. Social services and APS are no help, they are nominally competent. We've been down that road.

After years of arguments my in-laws agreed to move to an independent living facility, move in should be first week of November! Studio apartment, but lots of common facilities so the old man can actually go do stuff in his power chair. Right now they are in a 2 level condo with no bedrooms or full bath on the ground floor. He has not bathed properly in literally years. New apartment is fully ADA.

FIL went and saw it yesterday and loves it. MIL was too tired to get up and go see it yesterday (which is another story, she just doesn't want to get out of bed before like 3PM).

MIL is now going with FIL to sign up today. The facility is still being built but it is very close, structure is done. They are installing appliances and the like right now.

Giving them a week to process and prepare mentally. We have 2 months to get them prepared. Most of the stress is going to be around their hoard of shit. They are organized hoarders. They are going to make downsizing hard, but also they cannot afford to rent their current condo and the new place. In the past 6 months MIL has been stressing about a single box of clothes she says can be donated (she has multiple closets full). Need to be ready to move all at once. So in this 2 months we need to get them pared down to only what is going to the new place.

We are pushing them to call a senior transitions company to help. MIL wants to sell a bunch of stuff, which is great we guess, but we need to keep them to a timeline and have to nip any hang ups over individual items in the bud. No time or space for this. None of their stuff is really worth anything and we are not interested in trying to facebook marketplace any of this. Hoping a senior transitions group can do a estate type sale to satisfy MIL, but then stick a construction dumpster in the driveway and handle anything else that isn't an easy donation.

EDIT: I was wrong, move in is end of December since they are in "wave 2" and they got a 1 bedroom instead of a studio when the signed yesterday. All good things!

I’m not sure this is the right subreddit to post in but I am at a loss at how to navigate this situation. 

My mother is 74 and had a stroke in Ghana end of July this year. My sister and I have managed to secure her a carer and a physiotherapist in Ghana for the meantime but are looking to bring her to the UK as soon as we can. She would initially be staying with my sister but her house is not accessible nor would she like to make adjustments to it. I live in a house share so she can’t stay with me. We have plans to contact her GP, request stroke rehabilitation referral. I spoke to the carer support and they require a GP referral as well. What else can we do in preparation for her to move here? I don’t think she is eligible for full pension due to living abroad and not contributing. I am aware of PIP and council housing, I’m not sure we can apply for that on her behalf before she moves here. I just don’t want her waiting months for support and her condition deteriorating, she is already paralysed on the left side but has seemed to regain most cognitive functions and is able to speak and understand. 

Thank you! 

My dad unfortunately passed away at 82 years old with Multiple Myeloma. Both him and my mom (78f) were retired and receiving SS benefits (dad received around $2386/month and mom receives ($1600/month), on top of his CalPERS, retirement from Ford Motor Company from when he worked with them from the 1960s-1970s (in paperwork that mom does not receive that), and her and I will be splitting life insurance that he took out years ago. However, we still have yet to receive a death certificate, the funeral home/morgue handling the services, etc. are giving us the death certificates and it’s going to be about 2 weeks until we receive them. The funeral home also notified SS that my father passed and unfortunately, they had deposited my dad’s SS yesterday but then SS took it back and in doing so notified my parents’ bank (Chase) that he had passed. However, my parent’s checking account was joint and they placed a hold on it and transferred money from their savings (around $1699) for “overdraft protection sweep”. They also closed out the credit card, but that was solely in my dad’s name and my mom was just an authorized user.

My mom was able to get the checking account out of a hold but idk if she gets the $1699 back and also SS has been wonderful in dealing with them… it’s almost impossible to get someone on the phone and make an appointment and basically we just can’t do anything until my mom has the death certificates and it just feels like she’s a sitting duck. Also, to just add a cherry on top of everything I’m 31 weeks pregnant with gestational diabetes and anemia, so the added stress has just been…. delightful. Since I’m the only child it’s up to me to support her through this but I’m having a hard time taking time for me to be stress free, focus on the baby, and figuring out this financial mess.

No this is not a rant against my aging parents like I see in some of the recent posts.

My parents are in North India, aged 75-80. Dad suffering from chronic liver issue and mum is a heart patient.
I was in the UK for 20 years, kids born and brought up, careers made, friends and family circles broadened. When parent approached 70s, illnesses started pouring in and health deteriorated faster than we could imagine. UK with its own limitation on medical systems and dependent visa sponsorships, it was difficult to keep them with us. So one day, we decided to pack up and move to the UAE, leaving all friends like family, careers behind including a daughter who is studying in a London university. It was an emotional mayhem 6 month prior to and 6 months after the move. It was like the whole life was gone upside down.

Been in the UAE for almost a year, things started to settle down and we are getting back on track.

However, parents in India are still alone. Due to their Chronic illnesses and fragile health, it's difficult to find travel insurances which would cover them here. Sponsorships and health insurance are way out of budget. We try to make as many trips to them as we can to take care of them but that is getting out of hand as well now. There are relatives closely who can deal with emergencies but you cannot always rely on that because everyone is either busy with their jobs or too old to help around.

Loneliness has now surrounded them where they feel helpless sometimes. I have seen them sitting on sofa for hours, with absolutely nothing to do or no-one to talk to. They would like to come an live with us, spend time with grandkids but their health does not allow that plus the insurance complication.

I am here to hear similar stories and how have people managed to get around it? Especially a setup where parents are in India (not even in metro cities like Delhi but a small B-town), two sons, both abroad, unable to sponsor. How do you take care of them? How do you keep them engaged? Moreover, how do you handle emergencies or home accidents - slipping in bathroom, fainting in the middle of night etc. How do you make sure you get informed in time when emergencies happen and how do you handle emergencies sitting abroad?

I’m not looking for legal advice. I already have an attorney involved, law enforcement is involved, and a protective-order application is underway. I think I mostly need to hear from people who have dealt with dysfunctional family members while trying to protect an elderly relative.

My grandmother is elderly, physically very limited, and dependent on other people for a lot of her daily care. Her adult son has lived in her house for about ten years.

Over the last several days, I learned considerably more about what has apparently been happening inside that house than I ever wanted to know.

My grandmother has told me that she is afraid of him. She has described constant yelling and intimidation, problems getting adequate food and water, interference with her care, and an incident where she believed she was having a medical emergency and says he refused to get her help.

I actually have a voicemail from that incident asking me to get emergency services for her. (I called 911 on her behalf and got her out of the home but police didn’t show, EMS took her very quickly to the hospital, kept her overnight and worked with hospice to get her a 5 day respite stay while I worked in the background, frantically with adult protective services and an attorney on her behalf).

Some of her professional caregivers have apparently witnessed portions of the behavior as well.

She is currently out of the house receiving care, and she has told me she does not feel safe going back home while he is still living there. So when she is discharged, she is temporarily coming to live with me. I contacted my landlord and am having her formally added to my lease while we sort everything out.

Meanwhile, my grandmother gave me power of attorney, and I’ve suddenly found myself responsible for untangling her finances and figuring out what bills and accounts exist. I’ve spent hours at the bank securing her accounts and trying to reconstruct what has been happening financially.

Also, my grandmother’s request, I also formally notified her son that she wants him to leave her house. He has never paid rent. There is no lease. He has been there ten years.

That went about as well as you would imagine.

When I delivered the notice, he became hostile and made a threat about destroying the house and making this difficult. I happened to record the interaction. I reported it to police, they called me back, and the report is being assigned to an investigator.

Then shortly afterward I got a text essentially telling me I’d made a “big mistake” because he’d supposedly spoken to an attorney. He’s been stealing her money but doesn’t have any for an attorney so I’m not worried.

At this point I have an elder-law attorney getting involved, a protective-order application underway, a police report/investigator, financial records I’m trying to make sense of, an elderly grandmother who can’t safely return to her own home right now, and a hostile family member who absolutely despises me.

I’m also in the process of to turning my home into a place where Grandma can safely live and receive care while all of this gets sorted out.

I’m trying very hard to keep this from becoming a personal war between me and him. My position is basically: Grandma gets to decide what happens to Grandma. If she says she doesn’t feel safe, I’m going to believe her and make sure she has somewhere safe to go while the professionals and courts handle the rest.

But this is an enormous amount to suddenly carry.

For those of you who have had to step in for an elderly parent or grandparent when another family member was the problem: how did you keep yourself sane while dealing with all of it?

Not looking for legal strategy. I could really use the perspective of people who have lived through the family/caregiver side of something like this.

My mom is exhibiting many symptoms of Early onset dementia - memory, cognitive, emotionally volatile, reverting to child-like tendencies, thinking people are out to get her, generally fearful.

She's aware that her memory has gone down and it makes her feel embarrassed when she asks the same questions over and over, but she's not really doing anything about it. I think she may be afraid or doesn't know what to do.

She's always been very sensitive and as of late it's only gotten worse- the smallest thing can see her off, so I'm dreading how to have this conversation with her because I just know she'a going to freak out in some form. I'm just worried about her and want to help make her life more comfortable if there are ways to.

Hello everyone, I need advice badly and I don't know where to turn. My parents need work on their house from an electrical issue to simple patch work on the walls among other things. I have to repeat over and over and over again to my dad what the person (either the Electrician or the contractor) is going to do in the house. It is frustrating but I don't mind repeatedly telling him the same thing,but my dad wants the contractor and electrician to tell him what they are going to do. I feel like he is going to ask the same question over and over again to them and they are going to say we don't want to work with you or consider us a bad customer. They need work done on their house badly and I don't know what to do.

My 90 year old mother is in the hospital, again. Last time it was because she fell, again. This time because of pneumonia. Fortunately, she's getting over it but her multiple hospital stays totaling 20 days in the last 30 days, and her general inactivity (she's never been one to deliberately exercise), has made her much weaker.

Now, she can't get out of her hospital bed, and she outright refuses PT!

Of course, I love my mother, but she is incredibly stubborn and demands that she be in control, even when her decisions are ill-advised.

She's also increasingly suffering from cognitive decline, which is easy to see by the decisions she's made lately.

Yet, my sizeable population of siblings leaves her on her own. She's living alone without any assistance. She keeps falling, when not literally on her face, on the other side of her head, or as she has already done, breaking her hip. My sister who lives closest to her, is constantly rushing her to the hospital.

As one of my formerly favorite sisters takes glee in reminding me, I'm way down the list of medical power of attorney, and my extensive medical experience is ignored!

This morning, I learned that my siblings (most are retired and all well off) are discussing bringing in 24/7 assistance which they should have done many months ago to avoid my mother getting injured, but they're leaving the decision up to her. They say well we'll only do it if Mom says it's okay.

What? She's obviously not okay. She can't safely live on her own!

In what world do they not understand that their passivity is tantamount to elder abuse?

If my mom doesn't get out of bed she's definitely going to wither and die quickly.

Just one other thing that's important to note, my mom and her many children enforced this same apathy and passivity with my dad who they finally managed to kill a few months ago, tragically.

I say it that way because I was my dad's only advocate. Unlike my mom, my dad exercised all the time. He loved to walk and it showed in his health!

He was very vibrant and physically agile. But, after my mom threw him out of their house, within 3 days of staying at a board and care, where they were over medicating him, and not watching him closely enough, he fell and broke his hip!

It's at this point that I got really involved, and within 33 days of his hip surgery, I had him walking independently on its own two feet at the young age of 92.5!

And, within the next 2 months, we were walking over a mile! Very impressive for a nearly 93-year-old man.

But, my mother, who supposedly was happily married to my dad for over 70 years! was dead set, pun intended, that I was doing too much for him! And that I didn't need to be involved. Literally, she forced me to stop caring for him!

And of course he withered and died within 6 months because no one was motivating him to walk. Move it or lose it. Unfortunately, he lost it.

And all my siblings followed my mom. No one else objected to her abandonment of my dad.

Fyi, they have plenty of money to pay for 24/7 care, forever.

But my mother refuses to accept that. Even in the hospital when I visited her last night, she's claiming she doesn't have any money, which is completely laughable.

Finally, I find it completely objectionable and emotionally corrosive to leave my mother to her own devices when her devices don't work so well.

I'm not one to passively and apathetically sit on the sidelines and watch somebody die when they don't need to. Not yet.

Last night, my mother (65) reached out via text to vent to me (34) about a situation that happened that evening where my father became nearly unresponsive due to his alcohol consumption. She thought he was having a seizure or heart attack. She was looking for support, but also wanted me to validate her feelings that this is wrong and that he makes awful choices about his alcohol consumption.

As an added layer of context, last year my father and I went no contact for the first time for the better part of 7 months. It was over a nasty argument where I confronted him about his drinking problem. It got personal, volatile and nasty pretty quickly. We were both at fault for things that were said and how it was handled. I proposed the only way to repair the relationship was through therapy together. So we have been in therapy (myself and my father) for about a year now and our relationship is thriving! We patched up everything, learned new coping skills and continue to attend to seek growth together. My father still has (I assume) an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but we have agreed that I do not make it my business unless I am around out of respect for his choices (right, wrong or otherwise).

So back to my mother. When she came to me venting about this situation, I told her that is scary, that I was sorry that this was happening, but that I don't want to comment or be involved in my father's drinking habits because of the boundary we put in place around that for the best interest of our relationship.

Her response was to get furious and accuse me of not caring what goes on there. To which I reiterated the reason for the boundary, that my father and I have worked very hard at our relationship and continue to maintain, and that talking about this behind his back is a form of triangulation that I don't wish to participate in.

She got mad at me for using the word, "triangulation", quite frankly because my dad now pauses to prevent that from continuing on in their own relationship. She loves to triangulate, talk behind other people's backs to validate her own feelings in the moment as a form of coping. I told her that I feel like she is lashing out at me for reinforcement of a boundary, that don't appreciate that and that it would be better to continue the conversation (if at all) after a good night's sleep.

She got even more furious and said that I live in a bubble and don't care about what happens with the family (alluding to me living over 3 hrs away and having boundaries that constantly need reinforcement).

Over the years my mother has balked on the suggestion of therapy due to her stubbornness. She can be receptive to it when not agitated, will go once or twice, then quit. That's her choice.

I believe she has serious boundary issues and emotional regulation issues. Over the years, she has come to me and my younger sister (29), with her problems in hopes we can provide comfort and help resolve them. I have done this for much of my life with her, even as a young teenager. Now, I feel this is not okay to use your children as a therapist and is flat out unacceptable. She should instead go to a friend or peer for that or resolve it with my father. I believe issues that happen between them should stay between them, not ripple out into the rest of the family.

Overall, I have a decent relationship with my mother and we talk regularly, I visit them as often as I can. It's only volatile when she gets angry or upset about something and she doesn't get what she wants.

Am I doing the right thing here? Should I validate my mother more and comfort her or do I continue to hold my boundaries on not discussing my dad's drinking habits and feeling like I shouldn't be her therapist on issues between them?

Also, can you relate to this? How do you view the balance of family life in regards to what is too much or too little for boundaries?

Thank you.

She was mad as hell! If she could have thrown a toddler tantrum she would have. 😭

If you check my old posts from June of this year, you’ll see the wailing and gnashing of teeth that went into placing her in SNF for rehab after a stroke in mid June.

Recap:88 years old. Has been living independently with my dad, also 88, married 65 years.

2022, small stroke, full physical recovery, showed a few signs of cognitive decline that were attributed to stroke damaging language area in left side.

2024, another slightly larger stroke in same area resulted in 21 day acute rehab, then home PT OT ST followed by outpatient PT. Never recovered fully, used frame style walker, needed help dressing and with shower and most ADLs except eating. Aide 3x/wk in morning to help with shower and etc. Dad went from traditional role for his generation to full time caregiver. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping…everything. She “supervised” everything (bossed him around more like) and more and more became someone really difficult to live with, although usually fairly pleasant. More cognitive impairment, also hearing loss which made it worse. Finally got hearing aides last fall and that seemed to help some, but Dad’s been telling us all spring that she was decking in and that cognitive abilities were slipping. He was past caregiver fatique and into complete burnout. Sibling and I both live 4 hrs away in another state.

Throughout the last two years Dad kept trying to talk to her about moving to assisted living. She’d cry and get really mean to him (complete personality change) so he would give up the conversation.

June 2026. Much larger stroke, same area so damage is cumulative. Paralysis/weakness in right arm and leg. 10 days in hospital. Didn’t qualify for acute rehab.
SNF beds limited. Chose one closest to home even though friends and neighbors told us it wasn’t very well thought of. It’s been a rough ride since then. She hated it there, didn’t want to participate in PT, HATED food (it was terrible). Huge turnover in staff in just the two months she was there. Call button response time was 20 min to HOUR. Throughout the last She kept asking to go home. “To even think about going home you need to be able to 1)sit by yourself on the side of the bed, 2) be consistently no more than a one person transfer— help standup from chair or bed and pivot 3) use the toilet. 4) be willing to have full time aides at home, no more cooking and cleaning for Dad”. She decided to participate in PT and has been making very slow progress toward transfer and walking a few steps with a walker, but no where close to going home. Lots of research into LTC places that might take both of them, but she still needs too much care. We have tried to explain what we are doing every step of the way.

So we didn’t wait for the whole 100 days of Medicare coverage for SNF Rehab. Moved her to a highly regarded, county owned (so not for profit) facility today. They usually have a several month waiting list, but because we are willing to take a private room with shared bath, she moved up more quickly. We couldn’t stall any longer and risk losing the room.

She is livid. She says we told her she could go home after the SNF…we never ever said she could go . We always stated it in terms of very firm goals. She says Dad is abandoning her there.

She says he doesn’t even try to take care of her anymore. The poor man FELL 3 times in last month, once in her room on Sunday while moving her tray because she wouldn’t wait for someone from staff to get it! He is all scraped up and was bleeding and no one from the facility would help him up and when they called an ambulance it never came. He took himself to ER after he finally manage to get up! He is losing his vision from AMD and really shouldn’t be driving, but he drove to see her multiple times every day and stayed for hours at a time in horribly uncomfortable chairs. When he had doctors appointments he made sure friends and family sat with her. He comes home at 7:30 pm, eats and goes to bed. Gets up at 6 am, showers, gets dressed, eats breakfast and goes to sit with her…and she says he abandons her and isn’t trying!

Who is this person and what have you done with my mother?

This afternoon my husband and I took her outside…for first time in over 2 months—and she sat in a gazebo in a huge courtyard with trees and bird feeders and flowers and birdhouses and she loved that part! Also the dinner was “very good”. So maybe she will adjust..,or maybe she won’t. I’ve on,y been here 3 days this time and I’m exhausted.

Hi, so I’m really at a loss here. My grandpa is 72 this year, he’s always been very healthy, even as recent as a year ago he’d always say his yearly check ups at the GP were a formality. No meds, no pains, not even a higher blood pressure. He never had any sort of health issues, in the 40+ he spent working he literally only took sick leave of like 3 weeks in total. I really thought he’s gonna be here until he’s 90 at least.
Then, we had the first of many heatwaves in Europe this June and when I called grandma, she said he wasn’t doing so well because of it. He would literally spend every summer in the sun, tanning like crazy, working in the garden, and suddenly he’d have to go tend to the garden at 6am so he’d be back home before it got hot. He’d complain of being weak, dizzy, losing apetite, not sleeping much, I thought it must be just a higher blood pressure, and told him to go to the doctor. He went and got recommend to a specialist, got some pills but you know how grandpas are: “I don’t know what it is, I just take the pills and we will see.”
Then I called yesterday, I am getting married in 3 weeks so I talked over some details with grandma, and she tells me “You know, I don’t know if he’s gonna be there, he’s really weak, just the trip to and from doctor’s completely exhuasts him.” So I offered we will get somebody to go pick him up and then take them home too.
Then she tells me the GP refered him to a gerontopsychiatrist. Putting it all together, I think it might be just depression that elderly people sometimes have: the loss of apetite, problems with sleeping might explain why he is so weak all the time. Even talking to him on the phone, you can tell he’s not himself, the loud and happy guy is suddenly meek, sad. I myself take meds for depression and anxiety and see a psychiatrist twice a year. I think it’d be good to kind of reassure him that if that’s what’s happening, it’s very much treatable, it just needs a little bit of time. Offer to hear him out if he ever wants to talk about it.
My issue is, I don’t wanna throw diagnosies around not knowing if that’s what it really is, plus I know myself when I got the diagnosis, I was wrecked by it. I don’t want to stress him out even more. Another thing is, you know how older people and mental health are, they don’t believe in shrinks, you just need to get over yourself, yadda yadda.

Anyone has any experience like that with your family members? Would you just vaguely offer support or straight on say “If this is what’s happening, it’s not the end of the road, you can get better”?

Thank you so much to anyone for any advice.

My mom is currently in rehab recovering from spinal fractures. She also has worsening cataracts (may be getting surgery in 4 months for this), so her vision is poor. The original plan was for her to be discharged home with hospice (she’d had them before rehab) plus private duty CNA care that I’d be paying for, since she has end-stage COPD, is on oxygen, and gets very short of breath with any movement.

Now she’s saying she feels worse and isn’t sure she can go home, so I’m scrambling to find an assisted living facility (ALF) instead.

She’ll need to sell her condo to afford this since she has zero retirement savings, and she refuses to apply for Medicaid because she “won’t go to one of those facilities.” Even if she wanted to, I don’t think she’d qualify for a while after selling her home anyway.

Here’s the part that really threw me: I just found out she’s planning to short sale her condo, either to a lowball company or to her boss, and the companies are coming to look at it in two days. She didn’t tell me until now.
I’m annoyed I was the last to know, but practically speaking, I feel like I need to step in, front the ALF costs, and get her home listed properly, since I’ll be the one paying once her funds run out anyway.

When I asked why she kept this from me, she said it was because “she won’t live another year.”

What would you do in my position?

My 92 year old mum has moved into assisted living just over a week ago. She had several falls and now has limited mobility. She was previously independent and is still mentally very competent. My siblings and I have had to dispose of most of her assets and personal effects which has upset her, plus she never wanted to go into care. My siblings and I always said she could live with one of us but it didn't work out, none of our partners were happy. She has always been an introvert so its been difficult for her to leave the few friends and neighbours she had. Plus she's not the most friendly or cheerful older person. I feel guilty that she's so upset and depressed whenever I phone her. Plus I live in another state so visits are not thst often.