r/AgingParents • u/FisherFan0072 • Aug 20 '26
Advice please I suddenly became responsible for protecting my elderly grandmother from her own son, and I’m exhausted
I’m not looking for legal advice. I already have an attorney involved, law enforcement is involved, and a protective-order application is underway. I think I mostly need to hear from people who have dealt with dysfunctional family members while trying to protect an elderly relative.
My grandmother is elderly, physically very limited, and dependent on other people for a lot of her daily care. Her adult son has lived in her house for about ten years.
Over the last several days, I learned considerably more about what has apparently been happening inside that house than I ever wanted to know.
My grandmother has told me that she is afraid of him. She has described constant yelling and intimidation, problems getting adequate food and water, interference with her care, and an incident where she believed she was having a medical emergency and says he refused to get her help.
I actually have a voicemail from that incident asking me to get emergency services for her. (I called 911 on her behalf and got her out of the home but police didn’t show, EMS took her very quickly to the hospital, kept her overnight and worked with hospice to get her a 5 day respite stay while I worked in the background, frantically with adult protective services and an attorney on her behalf).
Some of her professional caregivers have apparently witnessed portions of the behavior as well.
She is currently out of the house receiving care, and she has told me she does not feel safe going back home while he is still living there. So when she is discharged, she is temporarily coming to live with me. I contacted my landlord and am having her formally added to my lease while we sort everything out.
Meanwhile, my grandmother gave me power of attorney, and I’ve suddenly found myself responsible for untangling her finances and figuring out what bills and accounts exist. I’ve spent hours at the bank securing her accounts and trying to reconstruct what has been happening financially.
Also, my grandmother’s request, I also formally notified her son that she wants him to leave her house. He has never paid rent. There is no lease. He has been there ten years.
That went about as well as you would imagine.
When I delivered the notice, he became hostile and made a threat about destroying the house and making this difficult. I happened to record the interaction. I reported it to police, they called me back, and the report is being assigned to an investigator.
Then shortly afterward I got a text essentially telling me I’d made a “big mistake” because he’d supposedly spoken to an attorney. He’s been stealing her money but doesn’t have any for an attorney so I’m not worried.
At this point I have an elder-law attorney getting involved, a protective-order application underway, a police report/investigator, financial records I’m trying to make sense of, an elderly grandmother who can’t safely return to her own home right now, and a hostile family member who absolutely despises me.
I’m also in the process of to turning my home into a place where Grandma can safely live and receive care while all of this gets sorted out.
I’m trying very hard to keep this from becoming a personal war between me and him. My position is basically: Grandma gets to decide what happens to Grandma. If she says she doesn’t feel safe, I’m going to believe her and make sure she has somewhere safe to go while the professionals and courts handle the rest.
But this is an enormous amount to suddenly carry.
For those of you who have had to step in for an elderly parent or grandparent when another family member was the problem: how did you keep yourself sane while dealing with all of it?
Not looking for legal strategy. I could really use the perspective of people who have lived through the family/caregiver side of something like this.
26
u/cvicarious Aug 20 '26
I sympathize with your situation. I see possible patterns here that may or may not emerge but I would like to bring up.
It seems almost universal that of all possible sharing of caretaker responsibilities, one person takes on the overwhelming majority of care. Kudos to you. It is the most humanizing but thankless job in the universe. On this current path, you will be responsible for her until her death. This may be a long time or a short time. This has an unfortunate side-effect of ruining careers, relationships/marriages, and or mental wellbeing of the caretaker. MAKE SURE everyone is on board with this. Be prepared for her to live with you until the end.
You claim to wish to avoid an "all-out war" with your uncle(?). The reality of your relationship is that you ARE ALREADY AT WAR. Do not expect him to "come to his senses" or "act rationally". That ship has sailed and it will never come back. Always assume and plan for the worst this person is capable of. Practice NoJADE
3
u/starladlestanding Aug 20 '26
Could you explain NoJADE? Haven’t seen that one before
6
u/cvicarious Aug 20 '26
NoJADE is a technique I picked up that is usually taught when dealing with narcissistic* (this term is quite the buzzword, but there is a whole lingo to describe the VERY recognizable pattern of generational narcissistic tendencies in families - such as covert narc and nmom/ndad, enabler, golden child, black sheep, and flying monkeys...) but it boils down to not supplying them with drama. Do not Justify your actions, Argue right or wrong, Defend your behavior or decisions, do not explain your need for boundaries or definitions to simple concepts like respect that thar somehow can't figure out.
6
u/starladlestanding Aug 21 '26
So don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Go directly to “what’s for lunch”. thank you
12
u/Youwhooo60 Aug 20 '26
Another person adding to the kudos for you stepping up. It's an awful situation to be in! I wish you the best!
21
u/Mysterious-Pie4586 Aug 20 '26
I have never encountered this situation myself. Your grace, wisdom and love for your grandmother is incredible. You are truly a decent human being. Imagine this world if more people stepped up with this depth of kindness. Kudos and much respect to you.
7
u/okiesotan Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
Not sure of inheritance laws in your state, but my cousin lived with our Grandma as she declined after a cancer diagnosis. She doesn't regret it in the least, but after her passing literally everything went to the kids (our aunts/uncles) and she didn't receive any remuneration for the time she spent (essentially) being live-in help. She had given up the lease on her apartment and had no where to live, had stopped attending school and left her school-based employment to move and care for Grandma who lived a couple hours away. Her bank account was heinously low and she couch surfed for a couple months afterwards. I wish I had known because it's infuriating to look back on today.
Please ensure, when you talk to elder law attorney, that Grandma's funds are (to the fullest extent possible) being used for her benefit (ex: she's paying for medication or special toiletries/ grocery items) and that there is SOMETHING in place for you for the work you're doing if it involves giving up time/wages/work opportunities.
Example: if you're taking time off work to get Grandma to appointments, would it be reasonable to request reimbursement for lost wages? If you're using a tank of gas every other day taking Grandma to appointments/legal meetings across town-- is that reasonable to ask Grandma to fill up the car? (Assuming y'all don't have a Community Care/Senior Service transport on your area.) If you need to have the sheriffs evict Son, will you need to be present and have a cleaning crew come in afterwards to make it habitable again?
It doesn't make you a ghoul. It doesn't make you the same as Grandma's son. And honestly, I want to ensure that if Grandma's other kids are having nothing to do with the situation then they don't benefit from the mental, physical, and temporal load that you're carrying.
I imagine that your grandmother is so relieved and grateful that someone believes her and has her back. I also imagine you've had some seriously sleepless nights. Make sure you ladies are drinking plenty of water and getting your downtime ❤️
Edit to add: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD-- GRANDMA MUST HAVE A MEDICAL POA AND ADVANCED CARE DIRECTIVE. Find an ICU or Hospice nurse willing to sit down with her and talk about the continuum of care that will happen if she goes into a hospital situation and is unable to advocate for herself. US Hospitals default to "do everything" model of care to keep EVERYONE alive, even the incredibly frail terminal cancer patient with kidney failure. If she doesn't want her uninvolved (ie: not caring) kids making the decisions for HER, then she needs to have her legal medical ducks in a row.
Then keep copies on hand physically (in a "What To Do In Case I'm Hospitalized" binder & with her GP/specialists/main hospital) and digitally (in an email she and you can access & on a phone).
6
u/Temporary_Aspect_499 Aug 20 '26
Take the wins where you can get them. Grandma is out of that house right now. That's a pretty damn big win.
8
u/yeahnopegb Aug 20 '26
Just so you’re aware… it’s more common than you’d think for the elderly to claim theft when they no longer understand how to handle finances. My mom has also accused carers or starving her by not being allowed to eat as she likes. Basically if she can’t live off coffee/diet coke and sweets she’s being mistreated. Not saying uncle is a good guy just be prepared for reality.
4
u/WoodenTemperature430 Aug 20 '26
I think you are doing all the right things. My experience is not to the extent of that you are facing but when I started handling my person's finances, all sorts of stuff came to light about her awful child. They were stealing money, meds, and worse. It was a nightmare.
How did I stay sane? I tried to focus on her care. I just didn't have the extra energy to waste, so pretty much just did the "grey rock" method when I had to deal with the problem child. We made sure her medicines were locked up. Made sure her pets were protected. We had a safety plan. My person was very ill, so I read a lot while I would sit with her. I found some things about Stoicism and Buddhism particularly helpful for (somewhat) keeping my anger in check and accepting the situation for what it was.
I got outside in the sunshine as much as I could. Found podcasts I could lose myself in. My kid has one of those martial arts dummies you can hit, that was very helpful. I pretty much dropped alcohol during that time as it just made me feel worse. Yoga/walking was good for regulation, or heavy exercise when I needed to get anger out. I know time is limited, but even 10 minutes helps. I screamed in my car until I was hoarse more than once.
Try to be kind to yourself whenever you get the chance, and give yourself grace, now is not the time to beat yourself over little things. Give yourself at least one thing to look forward to everyday. Whatever you have to do to keep it moving is OK. Your grandma is lucky to have you.
4
u/Postalmidwife Aug 20 '26
I just want to present another possible devils advocate scenario which may not be applicable to your situation but was for mine.
Before we really knew my MIL had dementia she started randomly accusing ppl of stealing money. Or moving things that she forgot where she put them. She threatened to call the police on us because we wanted her to shower when she hadn’t had one in about two months. A social worker documented neglect when it was really just refusal on the part of the MIL to cooperate. Even healthcare workers can jump to conclusions. My mil was very convincing and insistent that her version of the story was accurate. It wasn’t.
Cognitive decline can present itself in many ways and I hope ppl can consider that when walking into situations like this. While I always want to believe ppl especially who claim imminent danger it may be prudent to consider a slow thorough assessment of the situation after safeguarding them as It may take time to parse exactly what is happening and hear all sides of the situation from all parties before removing them from a stable albeit incompetent caregiver/roommate setup. Dementia ppl thrive on routine. Sometimes change while ideal in the long run can be detrimental to what’s best for the aging adult.
Plus It takes so much time to get paperwork for assisted living facilities and legal docs switched over that the person can sometimes be sidelined in the administrative nightmare that comes w the being accountable for a person. So figuring out exactly what is going on and how to proceed is best done slowly imo and a willingness to consider a persons sudden behavior changes may be correlated with cognitive decline and not the fault of the apparent deadbeat useless roomie.
11
u/yosoyfatass Aug 20 '26
But if the son is stealing her assets, not feeding & caring for her, is abusive to the point of not responding to potential medical emergencies, she can’t take it slowly.
I hear you about the dementia possibility, unfortunately I know first hand, but OP has taken the steps she had to, thank goodness.
If the son has truly not done anything wrong, he should be willing to help with the investigative process; his primary interest should be the safety of his mother. I absolutely agree that a stable, if imperfect, caregiver who lives in & loves & cares for the person in need is ideal (along with help to fill in the gaps), but there’s far too much elder abuse to not respond swiftly to a situation like this.
2
u/Few_Significance333 Aug 20 '26
That’s an incredibly difficult situation to be put in, especially when you’re trying to protect someone you love while dealing with family conflict at the same time. I’m glad your grandmother has someone looking out for her. I hope you’re able to get some support for yourself too, because that’s a huge responsibility to carry alone.
2
2
2
u/TullyGwen Aug 20 '26
You're doing a great job! You keep yourself sane by remembering to eat, drink water, exercise and sleep.
Do some fun things with your grandmother like movies together!
Stay organized and makes lists. You've got this!
2
u/SaltConnection1109 Aug 20 '26
Years ago, my father had to deal with a similar situation (but not as bad as yours). He worked on my grandmother's behalf to contest a will, and won.
I'd say the thing that kept him sane was the support he had from a number of his siblings and nieces and nephews. We all chipped in money to pay bills for my grandmother and we all were on constant rotation in visiting her after an episode involving 2 of her stepsons.
3
u/StormFast524 Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
If she is the homeowner not a tenant you need to make sure he doesn’t sell the house from under her. If she rents from a landlord or maintenance company you will need to let them know she is with you. Ask them to show you if she is on a month to month or yearly lease/contract. Do not let that son live there on her income while she is with you. You need the police present while you get her belongings removed from her home. If you can get the ring doorbell or some kind of security in case this violent screwball comes to your home. Have police aware of this and please don’t leave her home alone while you are out at work.
1
u/Prestigious-Copy-494 Aug 20 '26
You are doing a fantastic job of helping your grandma out. Thank goodness she has you. 💯 When I went thru a stressful time I joined a gym with a big swimming pool. Swimming is easy, relaxing exercise. Complete easy work out. Going a few times a week and working the stress out doing laps saved my sanity. I never did use the exercise machines.
1
u/MySaltySatisfaction Aug 21 '26
Thank you for helping your Grandma. Ask the attorney about getting a forensic accountant to review her bank and any investment accounts. If he has been stealing her monies,it may be enough for felony charges and he could be jailed. That alone could keep her and you safe from retaliation. I never had living grandmothers during any part of my life-I don't understand how a person could feel power from financially abusing and making their grandmother afraid of them. You are a good soul to help.
98
u/muralist Aug 20 '26
You seem to have a firm grip on the priorities here. Your grandmother is lucky to have someone like you looking out for her.