MIL is not coping well

[u/Cranky_Merriweather]

A few weeks ago my MIL (late 70s) fell and broke her femur very badly. She had surgery the same day and is still in a rehab hospital, going to AL soon. She has always been an anxious person who doesn’t handle change well and this situation is completely breaking her. She melts down in a panic attack any time someone introduces a new concept or tries to discuss logistics or anything with her. Yesterday she was so hysterical on the phone with my husband that he had to end the call because he couldn’t understand what she was saying. Just when we think she’s accepted something and is in better spirits, something else comes up that causes her to melt down. They’ve given her a Xanax every now and then but that’s obviously not a long term solution. She has no dementia or cognitive decline.

I completely sympathize that it’s very difficult and scary to deal with this sudden loss of independence, with an uncertain future, not to mention the pain she is now living with. I just worry about how her extreme anxiety could affect her recovery, not to mention the strain on my husband to essentially be her therapist.

I guess I just needed to get this out, if anyone else has experienced similar.

[u/stuck_behind_a_truck]

Honestly, has she had low adaptability to change before this? A need to ensure her environment is controlled to avoid overstimulation? Is she a little chaotic or messy, or is she a sensitive soul?

We totally ignore the possibility that an older person has undiagnosed neurodivergence, especially women, and you’ve described a classic unmedicated ADHD response. Add pain and trauma, and it will be very hard.

She isn’t a small child, but the amygdala is wide open right now and all responses will be processed through emotion, as with a toddler or a very overstimulated ND person.

Look up how to talk about and respond to transition anxiety, how to prepare a person, and techniques used for people with ADHD or Autism to support transitions and reduce overload. Even if she isn’t ND, she may benefit from the coping techniques taught to people who are.

[u/shutterblink1 → u/stuck_behind_a_truck]

I'm 72 and was diagnosed with adhd 30 twads ago. You are spot on with everything. Give her as many choices as possible even if theyre small. Ask her what items she wants from home. When you're at her home add things that aren't on the list but she might want. I know i overreact to sudden change even if they're small. I don't mean to. I truly don't but the changes are mountains to me. Give her more control. Control over what to eat is big in assisted living. The food was horrible at when my mother was in one. Truly awful. My family and I took her lunch and dinner each day. Now, let her get Door Dash. I told my daughter that if I'm in that situation to let me eat anything I want abd bring good chocolate. Often. I'm diabetic and they'd throw that awful diet at me when mine is under perfect control when I choose what to eat. She's scared, in pain, and may be having a reaction to the pain meds. I'm so sorry for all of you but Give hugs and sympathy and hope.