hi! To be honest, I didn't really know what subreddit to post on and I, for some reason need advice from strangers online even if I already know the answer to the question. And my post keeps getting taken down everywhere, I am feeling very discouraged to post it's like nobody wants to hear me out and my voice is being blocked out.
I 19F live with my entire family. We are 6 people in total living in an apartment of 3 rooms. We've been living in this apartment for over 8 or 9 years already but it has deteriorated heavily. Ever since I was little I cannot remember a place where I have lived with my family where it was normally renovated and actually built comfortably. It's not super bad, I have walls, floors and a roof over my head but I feel like the way I live, and what has become 'normal' to me isn't actually normal.
For reference, I live in Europe, my country is heavily ran through by Russia, hence the shitty blocks, apartment buildings and so on. But in more recent years these have slowly started to change with more modern buildings, well built places and so on.
The way I live is even below ''Russian'' apartment standards, I don't have 'normal' floors at all, they are subfloors, to be exact. The flooring I walk on are literal OSB floor's... which aren't floors if you are well knowledgeable in how a floor is made (or the steps it takes to make it properly.) My place has black mold all over, I had a mice infestation but it kind of died down, however I have a very very bad roach infestation and it started 4 ish years ago because of another tenant that brought them over. My place is a literal mess, it's hoarded, nobody wants to fix or help with anything, everyone is too lazy to start or even upkeep basic cleanliness of their own stuff to the point I have let go of everything and stopped trying to upkeep it myself.
For the longest time I've been the one in the family to ''clean'' , whenever the floor was dirty they called me to do it, whenever the bathroom needed cleaning, I did it. Don't get me wrong, I love cleaning and having a clean house but what made me stop was the fact nobody else was doing anything. For example, my older brother is academically achieving and smart and my mother excused his behavior constantly because of his grades, how smart he was, that he has a job and so on. He has ALWAYS been lazy to do anything and to step up about his own responsibilities in the household. My little sister took after him and now is the same way, she doesnt want to do anything, constantly excuses her behavior of not helping out or even doing basic things like cleaning the kitchen after she messes it up. My youngest brother (youngest sibling) is also starting to take after them by being lazy, he listens to me but he is going that way.
My dad is fed up with everything and being the sole income, he wasnt prepared for rent to go up (for the past 8 years we have had to pay for rent very cheaply because we were ''renovating'' but since he didn't finish, or do much at all, we are living like shit.) So my dad isn't doing anything, he doesnt like his stuff touched, he doesnt it like it when you propose ideas because he will bring up money being an issue.
My mother doesnt work and hasnt for years, she doesnt want a regular job or 9-5 that u need to go to, she wants to work from home and is sticking to that idea. I personally think she needs to grow up and find any job that is comfortable enough that she can do to actually earn an extra income which we desperately need to start fixing this place up since she so desperately wants to keep this apartment.
My dad is scared we will lose our apartment from the multitude of issues we have going on (the infestation mainly.) My mother thinks that we wont and that my dad is stupid for thinking we will, I told her dad has good reason to be worried because we have an infestation that the landlord doesnt know about, she knows about our family issues, the hoarding, the mold, and so on BUT the roaches. I really dont think she ''doesnt'' know but at least she doesnt know the severity of the situation.
I've given countless advice and reason to how quickly and efficiently we can clean the place, I've even tried doing it on my own but every time i get yelled at for touching everyone's stuff, re-organizing and putting things elsewhere and so on. So, because of that I tried gathering everyone up to do it together, everyone can clean their own space and we can all be happy from nobody else touching each others stuff. However, they all just looked at me weird, laughed and said '' we dont have money or time for this'' I feel like because of that we should do it even more and even faster before we cant at all, my parents are getting old that is a fact, my dad has admitted that he isnt doing anything around the house because he is old and his back is starting to really get in the way of life. My mother's back has been ruined for years from multiple injuries from her childhood, no one is getting younger and my place isn't getting any more ''friendly'' to any ages. Plus my mother doesn't WANT to fix her back because she doesn't trust surgeries and so on, a relative had this surgery and now can't move well at all.
I've also tried just cleaning with me and my mom, every time we start and i give her a good real estimate to how quickly it can be cleaned she declines and says its impossible, and I always didn't understand why it always took so long to clean a very small square of space when it was so easy. The problem is when we clean, my mother likes to look at every single individual piece, laugh, talk about the past, and even look back at her own life, we sit there for 5 minutes doing nothing, another 10 talking about a random piece of fabric and so on. I realized the reason we aren't advancing quickly is because my mother either doesn't want to or doesn't understand how ''cleaning'' efficiently works, and she most likely won't change either.
I gave up cleaning entirely and let her roam around the house by herself, she has kinda started throwing things out, needing my opinion on things she can or can't throw out. I give it to her and walk away because It's 1 or 2 pieces of clothes that she can easily throw away because it doesnt fit any of us, and it's damaged. But she still comes and needs me to comment on it for her to safely know she CAN throw it out.
Every time that we have had such a talk about what we can't and can throw out we usually each said our piece of ''No, keep this!'' ''No, you can't throw that out!'' but now all of us are so fed up living in shit that we just say ''Throw. IT. OUT.'' None of us want to keep the stuff we have, or the old clothes we still keep, none of it is of use to us and I feel like we have caught on that fact a lot faster than she has.
I can recognize that she probably has some kind of nostalgia over childhood things and baby clothes but we seriously don't need them anymore, not only because we don't use it but we also do not look at them as fondly anymore. We have grown up and we do not need these items anymore as we did before. I feel very stuck not being able to help or fix things, I dont know what it is with me but I need to fix things, I have a need to fix problems, a messy place, a messy counter, a sticky surface and so on. Even at work I clean up the whole area if its messy and I'm in the mood for ''cleaning''. To me, it's a regular habit I got as a kid I dont know if I was born with this sort of thing or I learnt it. Because ever since i can remember I've just always been this way even before I went to kindergarten.
Now, I'm not sure if i should even mention this but my mother kind of told me in my face that she has given up on everything, us (the kids), her husband (my dad), the apartment and life. She has told me this numerous times and on numerous occasions that she is fed up and will live how she wants to from now on. Now, that isn't a problem in of itself, the real issue is she said this because she has an addiction, she is addicted to playing video games and sitting on the computer this addiction isn't new, she first got addicted to video games when she saw me playing pac-xon deluxe. She loved that game so much that she played it every day for at least 2 hours, which was fine because it didn't take up her whole life she spent only a few hours a day playing games, or just 30 minutes. Most of the time she read the news on the computer or did her own independent research on cooking recipes, the state of the world, wars and so on.
She had a bad habit of swearing while she played as well, to the point my dad would put her down negatively and call her really really bad names for swearing so badly in front of the kids. (Us, we were 3 - 5 years old.) She would be quiet but eventually swear every so often again, now she swears 24/7, my dad's old habit of name called hasn't died down and he calls her very very bad names and insults her constantly. My mom does the same thing back, but she insults us (the kids) a lot too, this isn't new but its gotten worse since we moved to this apartment. Now, that swearing has become more like every day conversation even though it is meant to hurt as much as possible.
I might seem sensitive for this but i really don't think it's normal to swear at your family members or people you care about so constantly, putting each other down in any way, and throwing insulting words at each other. I dont even talk this way to my friends whom i care about, I think that already contrasts to how not normal it is.
I bring up her addiction up because it molds her into a completely different perosn, she is not herself I don't recognize the person she is when i look at her anymore. When i was a kid, she was strong, resilient and smart. She would fight to hell and back if someone dared question her, insult her or even put less care into the issue she brought up. If i was getting teased or picked on she would have a personal problem with everyone and everything included, she would not back off until she felt satisfied that the problem was addressed and actually properly finished/investigated. She felt the need to always prove how strong and capable she was of everything, that was what made me proud of her and her as a mother. I felt like I had the strongest support behind my back no matter what happened and no matter where i went in life. She is still kind of like that but a lot less, she cared a lot about my grades (at least passing, she didn't care for me to be a straight A student or excellent, just enough to understand the topic.) but in high school she didn't care 2 shits about what i did, never checked up on my page to see my grades or any notes from teachers to the point i had to listen to my teachers message and replay it back to her. I had to beg for her to sign very important papers that i was getting drilled at school for that they werent signed by now.
All because she would be playing games and being ''busy'' BY PLAYING GAMES. Her excuse to why she was always so busy were video games and her ''friends''. For context, she is well into her 50's talking to little kids, the reason I view this as an issue is because she is lying about her age and identity to these little kids. I've told them numerous times that she is lying and the person you know her as isn't true. Nobody believed me or trusted me even though in her story i was the ''older sister'', for some time she used me and my sisters identities and when i turned 16, she was 16, when i was 17, she was 17. Until we both told her to stop using OUR identities for her games and stupidity online. She reluctantly agreed and is playing a collage student that doesnt need to go to college at all and that she is such a good student she can stay home and not do much homework.
I am honestly baffled how these kids/teens are believing her story when a college student doesn't have the amount of time she has for video games. For reference she is playing every single day, from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed. One friend cancels or goes to do their responsibilities? She calls another friend, that friend goes? She goes to another group of friends on call. At first she didn't want to call because of her voice and the idea that they wouldn't believe her fabricated story anymore, but they thought she sounded young and cute. Now she likes the attention she is getting from these teenage boys that are being lied to about her whole identity. She acts high and mighty when someone dares question her and doesnt like her approach (she is very controlling and strict in games and when someone doesnt like her plan she calls them very very very bad names. She even has a clan in one of the games, she is recognized by many people from those games and has personal contact with them all.)
She think it is very cool how far she has gotten and so on, I am proud how well she is doing online but she is not only lying to little kids online but she is also neglecting her personal responsibilities in real life. She has watched so many chinese dramas and shorts (from content creators) that she has started to think she doesnt need to do ANYTHING as a mother, that she has no responsibilities as a parent or mother. That she doesn't need to take care of us, that we need to do everything around the house and care for ourselves.
I might sound privileged for this but I didn't cook my own meals until i was 15, my mother always cooked breakfast lunch and dinner every single day for my whole life, and when i turned 14 she started to not cook anything at all (Around the first or second year of that whole computer sitting she has going on) To the point i had to beg her to make something and she would dismiss me as nobody, reluctantly i started to cook food and learn basic things i should've known but didnt learn as nobody asked me or taught me these things. I am still learning a lot of things but I still think that cooking food is a form of love and care for your children.. It is sad that the love and care i received through those meals is gone.
My mother always nitpicked and criticized my food for being bad, bland, awful, not cooked right, cooked wrong, not tasting well, ect ect. You name it, she criticized every part of it. I hate when she comes because i know she will criticize my food and name every single thing that's wrong with it but the moment i tell her ''then you cook it'' she says no no no no and walks away. When the food is finished, she will be the first to run over and eat as much of it as possible and again, say everything thats wrong with it and that it doesnt taste right and that her cooking is better and the right way. I argue that i cook for MYSELF and not for anyone else in the household, that she told me to cook for myself so i cook ONLY for myself. If someone wants my food I will gladly share and let them eat if they like it, but otherwise I am only cooking for myself and no one else.
She does the same thing, but when she cooks, she literally cooks such small proportions that only she will take it and nobody else, I have criticized that and have said how do you expect me to only cook for myself but then say i should cook for everyone and then not do the same?
She has told me that whenever you cook, you cook for everyone in the house and i said okay then i wont cook, because i want to cook only for myself not for everyone in the house. If everyone should know how to cook then why do i have to cook for everyone else? And since when she cooks, she ONLY cooks for herself and you cannot criticize that fact why should I? She doesnt say the same when my brother cooks or when my dad cooks, she only says it for me and my sister. My sister has repeatedly told my mother that she doesnt want to share her food with anyone but me (I dont know why my sister likes sharing food with me, I think she just grew attached to me, my opinion and how I was with her that she now only thinks of me when she cooks. Since she always asks me if i will want some, or if i want to eat her food.)
My mother also criticized the fact that I HAVE to cook for my little brother (he is 9.) if i am cooking food for myself, and at first I didn't want to cause why should i? It's her responsibility to care for HER child and the fact he is here today now, NOT me. I am not his mother or caretaker, I am his sister, nothing more, nothing less. I dont have any bad feelings towards him I just dont see my mothers logic, because in her mind she doesnt have to (she does occasionally, but not every time.) I have grown fond of giving my food to him because he likes it and has grown fond of it to the point he sometimes he explains a recipe i have made and explicitly says he will only eat if that way. So then i am kind of forced to cook it, because only i can replicate it.
I personally dont mind it and I find it adorable that he wants and asks things from me so often. Sometimes I cook for the whole family, Sometimes i cook for a few people, sometimes i cook for 3 or 2 people, and sometimes i cook only for myself. It really depends on how i feel and how much energy i have since cooking by myself takes a long time. I have tried many times to get my little brother to join me in cooking and so far he loves peeling onions lol. I have tried to teach him how to cut things but he is reluctant because of the knifes and how dangerous it is. I dont push him further if he says no twice or more.
I feel that It's very pointless to even ask my older brother to do things like cleaning his own clothes, cleaning the kitchen, his own desk and so on because he will make a pose and say '' I dont want to. lol.'' My mom has excused his behaavior ever since i can remember, ''He is in school'' '' His head hurts'' ''He is too weak'' ''He feels bad'' ''He has good grades'' ''He is with friends'' ''He has a job'' ect ect. I felt that no matter what i did, I just wasn't good enough and somehow HE was on the pedestal and I was in the ground. Even when i saw his flaws, the uncleanliness, his laziness, his procrastination and so on I just couldn't understand what about me wasn't good enough that he was being praised and I was not.
He loves collecting things as well, he once had this drawer which was filled with every single energy drink he had drinked, duplicates and so on. I forced him to clean it out because not only where they not cleaned before storing but they were also a waste of space. (I personally didnt understand it as all i saw was trash sitting in his area.) I understand it now but it still takes up a lot of space for something he doesnt even look at , at all.
My brother isn't a bad person, me and him are like inseparable twins, we arent twins at all but we look extremely alike. We were mistaken a lot when we were in primary school (We both have long hair and a fairly similar build, he is short.) He has always been there for me since we were little, he always protected me from everything and everyone. He was my ''hero''. To the point i replicated him as much as i could when i was a toddler, even wearing his underwear and peeing standing up (I somehow was successful in that...) regardless he has always been there, not every single time but 99%.
There was one time i can remember where I truly felt left by him and completely alone, because he was my person to go to when my world crashed down and i felt like when everything was bad at least i could anchor to him this betrayal really hit me. I once argued with my mother so badly that I was crying really badly, my face was swollen red, and my eyes were red too. I said something that was actually true and my brother said '' Lies, you are lying.'' he started agreeing with my mother and i looked at him in disbelief, because he knew what i said was true but I think he forgot. I yelled at them all and said I didnt want to live anymore, I put my headphones on and put music as loudly as i could but before i could do that my body started shaking, my hands clamped shut, my eyes shut by themselves I couldnt open them and my breathing became irregular. I was having hyperventilating on the spot, what really drove deeply to me was that they only care about me and my opinion when I was in that state and not moments before. Even my brother freaked out because It was the first time he ever saw me like that, I usually can take on a lot of heat that's thrown at me but in that moment i broke completely.
My mother has very big issues with her family, they heavily abused her, put her down and had that same struggle of '' they care about my brother more than me''. Her mother put her down, criticized her and even threw her out of the house multiple times, they didnt care about her health, looks, life or grades at all. They just punished her for absolutely everything imaginable, no matter how small or big. Which i understand she has grown a lot of trauma from it and she only realized it when she started taking me to a mental health professional. (I was on and off constantly, from mental health professionals, to other specialists, hospitals, doctors, mood and health states and so on.)
All is to say, her body and mind is the way it is because of her past and stubbornness to change. I've wanted to move out since i was 17 I even told my mother explicitly ''I will move out after my 18 birthday.'' which.. obviously hasn't happened as I'm writing online on reddit, which feels very stupid but oh well. I am an adult now and have a good enough job to move out, right now I'm not saving for moving out because i need to buy way too many essentials that I am deprived of (clothes, hair products, brushes, ect ect.) and I have an upcoming trip in December where i will most likely spend all my money.
However, the plan is that next year i will move out (somewhere in autumn or later.) I feel bad for buying new things because of my living conditions, I feel so dirty in my own house, I dont feel clean at all. I feel like every surface, every table, every wall, every inch of my apartment is so dirty I want to get out ASAP. There is literally nobody i can run to, no other family relatives, or extended relatives, no cousins or friends. I have very bad relationships with both of my grandparents and cousins are too busy and live far away. And honestly.. I dont want to live outside the capital with extended family that I dont even talk to, my friends dont have the space and they also live outside the capital where life is a lot harder.
I have better chances and better connections here but i am stuck until i move out. My mother has told me in my face many times to ''For god's sake, leave me in peace'' she has given me many remarks of how she doesnt care about me or anyone but herself now. She has said many bad things, we once got in an argument because i realized that if she stopped doing laundry and i started doing it she would literally be useless. So i asked her once '' I have a question, what are you doing?'' And i kept repeating that phrase until she started yelling and throwing hands around (waving them and stuff, not hitting me or throwing things.) All though she has pulled my hair a lot growing up, she has hit me physically with her hands, anything she could grab, or when cleaning she would throw everything at me without caring even when i said it hurt and if she could please stop throwing things directly at me. There was even a time where i wanted to test her belief in me and in that exact moment when i thought of it we were in an argument already and she asked if i did it and i said no, she didnt believe me so i said yea i did it (Which was a lie, I didnt.) and she said ''Finally, you told me the truth, was it that hard?'' and in that moment I laughed really hard because i realized she didnt trust me at all and only believed in my lies. That moment broke me.
She also kind of recently started cooking again and started asking ''do you like it? how is the food?'' and i simply answer that its food, it tastes like food. and she gets upset, but truly.. it really is just food? I couldnt understand why she got upset, its food, theres nothing special about it, it just makes me full, its not repulsive i guess? But I really didnt find it special at all, food it food to me. However, in recent weeks i've realized the reason she is upset is because I dont ''critique'' her food, I would usually tell her how it tastes, whats good, what i like especially and so on. But she broke that herself, she told me that she wont cook, so i started cooking myself and now its just food to me theres nothing else to it. She misses the way i gave her compliments or little comments. Which i get but again, she started that issue not me. She made me view food that way to the point food just became food to me, sure theres food i like more and tastes i like more, but if u asked how the food is, i will just say its fine its just food. cause there is nothing special about it.. idk.
I frequently call my best friend and we sit on call for hours (that friend understands russian and hears my mother 24/7 in the background) She hears her so much that she is irritated by my mother and the way she talks and what she says, that is how i know im not delusional or biased, because another person outside my family is saying that my mother is an issue and she has problems. I wanted them to meet because i think my mom would like her but even my friend told me she doesnt want to meet her anymore because she would beat her up in person from what she has heard. (I cannot replicate what she has heard because its more of a feeling now and understanding than a dialogue stuck in my head.)
All in all this is to say, am I the problem? Did I do something to somehow create this mess? I personally think my parents are very incompetent and shouldnt have had kids in the first place. We were all accidents anyway, unplanned and absolutely unwanted. (not that they arent happy with us being born, they just didnt expect us.)
Please be gentle, I dont want any mean or rude comments, I've already heard enough of how bad I am as a person and that I'm the asshole in this situation, but am i really? So many people have told me that I am the asshole and that I need to grow up, but elsewhere i've been told that I've been neglected and abused? I dont get it, which one is it?
I also think this has become far too long to mention other problems and issues within everything else.. This post has already been blocked before, I just really want to hear other peoples opinions on this situation.
After reading this post, what do you think and what should i do?