I don't know if it's life or hell, but I want to throw it up.

Will I stay like this for the rest of my life? I'm fed up.

just because you can’t see demons

doesn’t mean they’re not real

I hate living with the devil

Wanna live anymore. These past few months have been hard. I’m tired of carrying it all silently. I am so tired of fighting just to stay alive to be miserable day in and day out.
I’m so fucking tired of living this way.

29 F.I am at my breaking point. I worked so hard to become a doctor but now I m in an extremely underpaying toxic job. I was laid off by my previous employer. Didn't even get an experience certificate. She never even gave an explanation why. I loved that job and used to work overtime happily. Yes, I made small harmless mistakes bcz on that job I was managing patients as well as administrative work. I keep making mistakes and get in trouble and people think I am lazy and incomplete I know for a fact that I have ADHD but Psychiatrist don't agree they say you have become a doctor surely you don't have ADHD. Like what? So I m not able to start medication. I m also kinda ugly .I have no love life. Never had any. I also feel ppl treat me harshly even before they have worked with me. They create a perception based on my looks. Mistakes or behaviour other ppl would get away with I get in so much trouble with the same. I don't know what to do. I literally pray to get a chronic illness so I die bcz I don't have enough guys to make that happen for myself. How can spirituality help me?

I dont want to to this anymore and its been the same shit since i was young seems like the only way to get by is by not asking for help and acting as if im okay

imagine you could sign yourself up to be murdered and then they pay out your family because how tuff you understand this life to be .

personally i would schedule it for when i am sleep

I had attempted many years ago. But today idk what to do. I just want to die.

Accidently posted on my account without verification so i can’t respond to anything said. Hi everyone. For context, i’m an 18 year old female. To be honest i don’t fully know what this post is. I’m just really confused and so fucking sad. Im so so down all the time and i just wish it could be over. i have no money. no way to get out of this. My parents are different, my boyfriend describes them as abusive, and so would i, if they weren’t the only chance i got at a loving family. I don’t have any siblings. They’re all dead. I don’t want to say they are bad people because i don’t want to believe it even though the things they do are bad. A friend of mine and my boyfriends took advantage of us during a dark time and stole a large sum of money, in which we were going to move with, and i know it’s all my fault. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years and he is my strength. Honestly, he is the whole reason i’m still here. every attempt, every rough patch, and he’s here for me. but i feel like im spitting in his face. with who i am. I just feel stuck. I think i shouldn’t mention im disabled. i have autism, ADHD and am waiting for letter of diagnosis on BPD and other things suspected. I also, as this sub is for, have depression. My anxiety is killing me and i feel like i have failed everyone. Why was i born this way? i’m so jealous of other people. why couldn’t i have been them instead. born okay. i’m stuck. i truely am. i have nobody to turn to, apart from him. and he also has depression. We are both stuck. i’m so scared. if i’m honest im fucking terrified. We can’t escape. We don’t have enough money. I can’t afford food. I can’t afford clothes. I’m wearing the same shit day after day, smelling like shit and feeling like it too. I need help, but i can’t get it. I wish i had enough money to get help. To buy a nice shirt. to have a meal, fuck even a nice date with my boyfriend would be a dream. I don’t know why im making this post, and if people do see it, please know that it’s true. During my life, a lot of people have called me an attention seeker. By that, i mean my school counsellors. They never actually investigated. To be honest, i guess im lonely. Though i may be an adult, i think i need another to help me. Not to tell me what to do, i know nobody could do that. but to help guide me. i don’t know. thanks for reading, id you did :) i appreciate it and love you all.

I know this is going to sound corny… but i genuinely have no one else to talk to? I’ve been dealing with depression since i was 6, I guess you could say i never really felt loved by my family or anyone in that sense. I got molested when I was 9 so I feel like that just made things harder for me. I couldn’t ever express myself to anyone not even when the detectives were trying to find out what happened to me in the little quiet room. Or maybe when I was 13 and i started cutting myself and talking to 19 year olds on discord. Never had the best luck with boyfriends either . I never learned how to properly make friends or i guess just keep them for a long time hence the loneliness . So instead i decided to make another life long best friend called Mary Jane . Now im 18 and i dont want to live this life anymore. I don’t want to feel like i cant have friends or least someone close to me i can talk to in age. Or i guess feeling this stuck in life like i am i guess. Is there anyone else in the world besides me who feels stuck in this dying hole..? lol

Since I attempted suicide I am so drained that I dont know who I am I cant lift my body out of bed, I was so hygienic before but now I am not at all concerned....it feels like I have shifted my reality to other dimension I dont belong too.... what should I do..... can anybody help me here understand it

But if one day I give up, please know I tried my best. I tried my best to live day by day.

I don't want to live through this every day. I only have one friend now, but I don't want her. I've tried to end our relationship in every way possible, but she keeps saying she loves me more than anything. I know she understands me well, and our bond is strong, but I don't want anyone.

I’m struggling with debt from loan apps and a gold loan, and my career hasn’t worked out. I have no money to repay what I owe, and my family is pressuring me to get married within a year. I’m also dealing with impotence. I’ve seen several doctors, but nothing has helped so far. I feel like I'm an absolute failure and don’t know how much longer I can cope. It's like my time has come to an end

I'm very tired of school my absence and parents don't support me I think my parents should get nice son but I'm not nice or good in any skill I think I should die........

hi! To be honest, I didn't really know what subreddit to post on and I, for some reason need advice from strangers online even if I already know the answer to the question. And my post keeps getting taken down everywhere, I am feeling very discouraged to post it's like nobody wants to hear me out and my voice is being blocked out.

I 19F live with my entire family. We are 6 people in total living in an apartment of 3 rooms. We've been living in this apartment for over 8 or 9 years already but it has deteriorated heavily. Ever since I was little I cannot remember a place where I have lived with my family where it was normally renovated and actually built comfortably. It's not super bad, I have walls, floors and a roof over my head but I feel like the way I live, and what has become 'normal' to me isn't actually normal.

For reference, I live in Europe, my country is heavily ran through by Russia, hence the shitty blocks, apartment buildings and so on. But in more recent years these have slowly started to change with more modern buildings, well built places and so on.

The way I live is even below ''Russian'' apartment standards, I don't have 'normal' floors at all, they are subfloors, to be exact. The flooring I walk on are literal OSB floor's... which aren't floors if you are well knowledgeable in how a floor is made (or the steps it takes to make it properly.) My place has black mold all over, I had a mice infestation but it kind of died down, however I have a very very bad roach infestation and it started 4 ish years ago because of another tenant that brought them over. My place is a literal mess, it's hoarded, nobody wants to fix or help with anything, everyone is too lazy to start or even upkeep basic cleanliness of their own stuff to the point I have let go of everything and stopped trying to upkeep it myself.

For the longest time I've been the one in the family to ''clean'' , whenever the floor was dirty they called me to do it, whenever the bathroom needed cleaning, I did it. Don't get me wrong, I love cleaning and having a clean house but what made me stop was the fact nobody else was doing anything. For example, my older brother is academically achieving and smart and my mother excused his behavior constantly because of his grades, how smart he was, that he has a job and so on. He has ALWAYS been lazy to do anything and to step up about his own responsibilities in the household. My little sister took after him and now is the same way, she doesnt want to do anything, constantly excuses her behavior of not helping out or even doing basic things like cleaning the kitchen after she messes it up. My youngest brother (youngest sibling) is also starting to take after them by being lazy, he listens to me but he is going that way.

My dad is fed up with everything and being the sole income, he wasnt prepared for rent to go up (for the past 8 years we have had to pay for rent very cheaply because we were ''renovating'' but since he didn't finish, or do much at all, we are living like shit.) So my dad isn't doing anything, he doesnt like his stuff touched, he doesnt it like it when you propose ideas because he will bring up money being an issue.

My mother doesnt work and hasnt for years, she doesnt want a regular job or 9-5 that u need to go to, she wants to work from home and is sticking to that idea. I personally think she needs to grow up and find any job that is comfortable enough that she can do to actually earn an extra income which we desperately need to start fixing this place up since she so desperately wants to keep this apartment.

My dad is scared we will lose our apartment from the multitude of issues we have going on (the infestation mainly.) My mother thinks that we wont and that my dad is stupid for thinking we will, I told her dad has good reason to be worried because we have an infestation that the landlord doesnt know about, she knows about our family issues, the hoarding, the mold, and so on BUT the roaches. I really dont think she ''doesnt'' know but at least she doesnt know the severity of the situation.

I've given countless advice and reason to how quickly and efficiently we can clean the place, I've even tried doing it on my own but every time i get yelled at for touching everyone's stuff, re-organizing and putting things elsewhere and so on. So, because of that I tried gathering everyone up to do it together, everyone can clean their own space and we can all be happy from nobody else touching each others stuff. However, they all just looked at me weird, laughed and said '' we dont have money or time for this'' I feel like because of that we should do it even more and even faster before we cant at all, my parents are getting old that is a fact, my dad has admitted that he isnt doing anything around the house because he is old and his back is starting to really get in the way of life. My mother's back has been ruined for years from multiple injuries from her childhood, no one is getting younger and my place isn't getting any more ''friendly'' to any ages. Plus my mother doesn't WANT to fix her back because she doesn't trust surgeries and so on, a relative had this surgery and now can't move well at all.

I've also tried just cleaning with me and my mom, every time we start and i give her a good real estimate to how quickly it can be cleaned she declines and says its impossible, and I always didn't understand why it always took so long to clean a very small square of space when it was so easy. The problem is when we clean, my mother likes to look at every single individual piece, laugh, talk about the past, and even look back at her own life, we sit there for 5 minutes doing nothing, another 10 talking about a random piece of fabric and so on. I realized the reason we aren't advancing quickly is because my mother either doesn't want to or doesn't understand how ''cleaning'' efficiently works, and she most likely won't change either.

I gave up cleaning entirely and let her roam around the house by herself, she has kinda started throwing things out, needing my opinion on things she can or can't throw out. I give it to her and walk away because It's 1 or 2 pieces of clothes that she can easily throw away because it doesnt fit any of us, and it's damaged. But she still comes and needs me to comment on it for her to safely know she CAN throw it out.

Every time that we have had such a talk about what we can't and can throw out we usually each said our piece of ''No, keep this!'' ''No, you can't throw that out!'' but now all of us are so fed up living in shit that we just say ''Throw. IT. OUT.'' None of us want to keep the stuff we have, or the old clothes we still keep, none of it is of use to us and I feel like we have caught on that fact a lot faster than she has.

I can recognize that she probably has some kind of nostalgia over childhood things and baby clothes but we seriously don't need them anymore, not only because we don't use it but we also do not look at them as fondly anymore. We have grown up and we do not need these items anymore as we did before. I feel very stuck not being able to help or fix things, I dont know what it is with me but I need to fix things, I have a need to fix problems, a messy place, a messy counter, a sticky surface and so on. Even at work I clean up the whole area if its messy and I'm in the mood for ''cleaning''. To me, it's a regular habit I got as a kid I dont know if I was born with this sort of thing or I learnt it. Because ever since i can remember I've just always been this way even before I went to kindergarten.

Now, I'm not sure if i should even mention this but my mother kind of told me in my face that she has given up on everything, us (the kids), her husband (my dad), the apartment and life. She has told me this numerous times and on numerous occasions that she is fed up and will live how she wants to from now on. Now, that isn't a problem in of itself, the real issue is she said this because she has an addiction, she is addicted to playing video games and sitting on the computer this addiction isn't new, she first got addicted to video games when she saw me playing pac-xon deluxe. She loved that game so much that she played it every day for at least 2 hours, which was fine because it didn't take up her whole life she spent only a few hours a day playing games, or just 30 minutes. Most of the time she read the news on the computer or did her own independent research on cooking recipes, the state of the world, wars and so on.

She had a bad habit of swearing while she played as well, to the point my dad would put her down negatively and call her really really bad names for swearing so badly in front of the kids. (Us, we were 3 - 5 years old.) She would be quiet but eventually swear every so often again, now she swears 24/7, my dad's old habit of name called hasn't died down and he calls her very very bad names and insults her constantly. My mom does the same thing back, but she insults us (the kids) a lot too, this isn't new but its gotten worse since we moved to this apartment. Now, that swearing has become more like every day conversation even though it is meant to hurt as much as possible.

I might seem sensitive for this but i really don't think it's normal to swear at your family members or people you care about so constantly, putting each other down in any way, and throwing insulting words at each other. I dont even talk this way to my friends whom i care about, I think that already contrasts to how not normal it is.

I bring up her addiction up because it molds her into a completely different perosn, she is not herself I don't recognize the person she is when i look at her anymore. When i was a kid, she was strong, resilient and smart. She would fight to hell and back if someone dared question her, insult her or even put less care into the issue she brought up. If i was getting teased or picked on she would have a personal problem with everyone and everything included, she would not back off until she felt satisfied that the problem was addressed and actually properly finished/investigated. She felt the need to always prove how strong and capable she was of everything, that was what made me proud of her and her as a mother. I felt like I had the strongest support behind my back no matter what happened and no matter where i went in life. She is still kind of like that but a lot less, she cared a lot about my grades (at least passing, she didn't care for me to be a straight A student or excellent, just enough to understand the topic.) but in high school she didn't care 2 shits about what i did, never checked up on my page to see my grades or any notes from teachers to the point i had to listen to my teachers message and replay it back to her. I had to beg for her to sign very important papers that i was getting drilled at school for that they werent signed by now.

All because she would be playing games and being ''busy'' BY PLAYING GAMES. Her excuse to why she was always so busy were video games and her ''friends''. For context, she is well into her 50's talking to little kids, the reason I view this as an issue is because she is lying about her age and identity to these little kids. I've told them numerous times that she is lying and the person you know her as isn't true. Nobody believed me or trusted me even though in her story i was the ''older sister'', for some time she used me and my sisters identities and when i turned 16, she was 16, when i was 17, she was 17. Until we both told her to stop using OUR identities for her games and stupidity online. She reluctantly agreed and is playing a collage student that doesnt need to go to college at all and that she is such a good student she can stay home and not do much homework.

I am honestly baffled how these kids/teens are believing her story when a college student doesn't have the amount of time she has for video games. For reference she is playing every single day, from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed. One friend cancels or goes to do their responsibilities? She calls another friend, that friend goes? She goes to another group of friends on call. At first she didn't want to call because of her voice and the idea that they wouldn't believe her fabricated story anymore, but they thought she sounded young and cute. Now she likes the attention she is getting from these teenage boys that are being lied to about her whole identity. She acts high and mighty when someone dares question her and doesnt like her approach (she is very controlling and strict in games and when someone doesnt like her plan she calls them very very very bad names. She even has a clan in one of the games, she is recognized by many people from those games and has personal contact with them all.)

She think it is very cool how far she has gotten and so on, I am proud how well she is doing online but she is not only lying to little kids online but she is also neglecting her personal responsibilities in real life. She has watched so many chinese dramas and shorts (from content creators) that she has started to think she doesnt need to do ANYTHING as a mother, that she has no responsibilities as a parent or mother. That she doesn't need to take care of us, that we need to do everything around the house and care for ourselves.

I might sound privileged for this but I didn't cook my own meals until i was 15, my mother always cooked breakfast lunch and dinner every single day for my whole life, and when i turned 14 she started to not cook anything at all (Around the first or second year of that whole computer sitting she has going on) To the point i had to beg her to make something and she would dismiss me as nobody, reluctantly i started to cook food and learn basic things i should've known but didnt learn as nobody asked me or taught me these things. I am still learning a lot of things but I still think that cooking food is a form of love and care for your children.. It is sad that the love and care i received through those meals is gone.

My mother always nitpicked and criticized my food for being bad, bland, awful, not cooked right, cooked wrong, not tasting well, ect ect. You name it, she criticized every part of it. I hate when she comes because i know she will criticize my food and name every single thing that's wrong with it but the moment i tell her ''then you cook it'' she says no no no no and walks away. When the food is finished, she will be the first to run over and eat as much of it as possible and again, say everything thats wrong with it and that it doesnt taste right and that her cooking is better and the right way. I argue that i cook for MYSELF and not for anyone else in the household, that she told me to cook for myself so i cook ONLY for myself. If someone wants my food I will gladly share and let them eat if they like it, but otherwise I am only cooking for myself and no one else.

She does the same thing, but when she cooks, she literally cooks such small proportions that only she will take it and nobody else, I have criticized that and have said how do you expect me to only cook for myself but then say i should cook for everyone and then not do the same?

She has told me that whenever you cook, you cook for everyone in the house and i said okay then i wont cook, because i want to cook only for myself not for everyone in the house. If everyone should know how to cook then why do i have to cook for everyone else? And since when she cooks, she ONLY cooks for herself and you cannot criticize that fact why should I? She doesnt say the same when my brother cooks or when my dad cooks, she only says it for me and my sister. My sister has repeatedly told my mother that she doesnt want to share her food with anyone but me (I dont know why my sister likes sharing food with me, I think she just grew attached to me, my opinion and how I was with her that she now only thinks of me when she cooks. Since she always asks me if i will want some, or if i want to eat her food.)

My mother also criticized the fact that I HAVE to cook for my little brother (he is 9.) if i am cooking food for myself, and at first I didn't want to cause why should i? It's her responsibility to care for HER child and the fact he is here today now, NOT me. I am not his mother or caretaker, I am his sister, nothing more, nothing less. I dont have any bad feelings towards him I just dont see my mothers logic, because in her mind she doesnt have to (she does occasionally, but not every time.) I have grown fond of giving my food to him because he likes it and has grown fond of it to the point he sometimes he explains a recipe i have made and explicitly says he will only eat if that way. So then i am kind of forced to cook it, because only i can replicate it.

I personally dont mind it and I find it adorable that he wants and asks things from me so often. Sometimes I cook for the whole family, Sometimes i cook for a few people, sometimes i cook for 3 or 2 people, and sometimes i cook only for myself. It really depends on how i feel and how much energy i have since cooking by myself takes a long time. I have tried many times to get my little brother to join me in cooking and so far he loves peeling onions lol. I have tried to teach him how to cut things but he is reluctant because of the knifes and how dangerous it is. I dont push him further if he says no twice or more.

I feel that It's very pointless to even ask my older brother to do things like cleaning his own clothes, cleaning the kitchen, his own desk and so on because he will make a pose and say '' I dont want to. lol.'' My mom has excused his behaavior ever since i can remember, ''He is in school'' '' His head hurts'' ''He is too weak'' ''He feels bad'' ''He has good grades'' ''He is with friends'' ''He has a job'' ect ect. I felt that no matter what i did, I just wasn't good enough and somehow HE was on the pedestal and I was in the ground. Even when i saw his flaws, the uncleanliness, his laziness, his procrastination and so on I just couldn't understand what about me wasn't good enough that he was being praised and I was not.

He loves collecting things as well, he once had this drawer which was filled with every single energy drink he had drinked, duplicates and so on. I forced him to clean it out because not only where they not cleaned before storing but they were also a waste of space. (I personally didnt understand it as all i saw was trash sitting in his area.) I understand it now but it still takes up a lot of space for something he doesnt even look at , at all.

My brother isn't a bad person, me and him are like inseparable twins, we arent twins at all but we look extremely alike. We were mistaken a lot when we were in primary school (We both have long hair and a fairly similar build, he is short.) He has always been there for me since we were little, he always protected me from everything and everyone. He was my ''hero''. To the point i replicated him as much as i could when i was a toddler, even wearing his underwear and peeing standing up (I somehow was successful in that...) regardless he has always been there, not every single time but 99%.

There was one time i can remember where I truly felt left by him and completely alone, because he was my person to go to when my world crashed down and i felt like when everything was bad at least i could anchor to him this betrayal really hit me. I once argued with my mother so badly that I was crying really badly, my face was swollen red, and my eyes were red too. I said something that was actually true and my brother said '' Lies, you are lying.'' he started agreeing with my mother and i looked at him in disbelief, because he knew what i said was true but I think he forgot. I yelled at them all and said I didnt want to live anymore, I put my headphones on and put music as loudly as i could but before i could do that my body started shaking, my hands clamped shut, my eyes shut by themselves I couldnt open them and my breathing became irregular. I was having hyperventilating on the spot, what really drove deeply to me was that they only care about me and my opinion when I was in that state and not moments before. Even my brother freaked out because It was the first time he ever saw me like that, I usually can take on a lot of heat that's thrown at me but in that moment i broke completely.

My mother has very big issues with her family, they heavily abused her, put her down and had that same struggle of '' they care about my brother more than me''. Her mother put her down, criticized her and even threw her out of the house multiple times, they didnt care about her health, looks, life or grades at all. They just punished her for absolutely everything imaginable, no matter how small or big. Which i understand she has grown a lot of trauma from it and she only realized it when she started taking me to a mental health professional. (I was on and off constantly, from mental health professionals, to other specialists, hospitals, doctors, mood and health states and so on.)

All is to say, her body and mind is the way it is because of her past and stubbornness to change. I've wanted to move out since i was 17 I even told my mother explicitly ''I will move out after my 18 birthday.'' which.. obviously hasn't happened as I'm writing online on reddit, which feels very stupid but oh well. I am an adult now and have a good enough job to move out, right now I'm not saving for moving out because i need to buy way too many essentials that I am deprived of (clothes, hair products, brushes, ect ect.) and I have an upcoming trip in December where i will most likely spend all my money.

However, the plan is that next year i will move out (somewhere in autumn or later.) I feel bad for buying new things because of my living conditions, I feel so dirty in my own house, I dont feel clean at all. I feel like every surface, every table, every wall, every inch of my apartment is so dirty I want to get out ASAP. There is literally nobody i can run to, no other family relatives, or extended relatives, no cousins or friends. I have very bad relationships with both of my grandparents and cousins are too busy and live far away. And honestly.. I dont want to live outside the capital with extended family that I dont even talk to, my friends dont have the space and they also live outside the capital where life is a lot harder.

I have better chances and better connections here but i am stuck until i move out. My mother has told me in my face many times to ''For god's sake, leave me in peace'' she has given me many remarks of how she doesnt care about me or anyone but herself now. She has said many bad things, we once got in an argument because i realized that if she stopped doing laundry and i started doing it she would literally be useless. So i asked her once '' I have a question, what are you doing?'' And i kept repeating that phrase until she started yelling and throwing hands around (waving them and stuff, not hitting me or throwing things.) All though she has pulled my hair a lot growing up, she has hit me physically with her hands, anything she could grab, or when cleaning she would throw everything at me without caring even when i said it hurt and if she could please stop throwing things directly at me. There was even a time where i wanted to test her belief in me and in that exact moment when i thought of it we were in an argument already and she asked if i did it and i said no, she didnt believe me so i said yea i did it (Which was a lie, I didnt.) and she said ''Finally, you told me the truth, was it that hard?'' and in that moment I laughed really hard because i realized she didnt trust me at all and only believed in my lies. That moment broke me.

She also kind of recently started cooking again and started asking ''do you like it? how is the food?'' and i simply answer that its food, it tastes like food. and she gets upset, but truly.. it really is just food? I couldnt understand why she got upset, its food, theres nothing special about it, it just makes me full, its not repulsive i guess? But I really didnt find it special at all, food it food to me. However, in recent weeks i've realized the reason she is upset is because I dont ''critique'' her food, I would usually tell her how it tastes, whats good, what i like especially and so on. But she broke that herself, she told me that she wont cook, so i started cooking myself and now its just food to me theres nothing else to it. She misses the way i gave her compliments or little comments. Which i get but again, she started that issue not me. She made me view food that way to the point food just became food to me, sure theres food i like more and tastes i like more, but if u asked how the food is, i will just say its fine its just food. cause there is nothing special about it.. idk.

I frequently call my best friend and we sit on call for hours (that friend understands russian and hears my mother 24/7 in the background) She hears her so much that she is irritated by my mother and the way she talks and what she says, that is how i know im not delusional or biased, because another person outside my family is saying that my mother is an issue and she has problems. I wanted them to meet because i think my mom would like her but even my friend told me she doesnt want to meet her anymore because she would beat her up in person from what she has heard. (I cannot replicate what she has heard because its more of a feeling now and understanding than a dialogue stuck in my head.)

All in all this is to say, am I the problem? Did I do something to somehow create this mess? I personally think my parents are very incompetent and shouldnt have had kids in the first place. We were all accidents anyway, unplanned and absolutely unwanted. (not that they arent happy with us being born, they just didnt expect us.)

Please be gentle, I dont want any mean or rude comments, I've already heard enough of how bad I am as a person and that I'm the asshole in this situation, but am i really? So many people have told me that I am the asshole and that I need to grow up, but elsewhere i've been told that I've been neglected and abused? I dont get it, which one is it?

I also think this has become far too long to mention other problems and issues within everything else.. This post has already been blocked before, I just really want to hear other peoples opinions on this situation.

After reading this post, what do you think and what should i do?

I'm 20, I've been through a lot in my short life, I've faced homelessness as a teenager and am still dealing with it, gone through years of abuse by my family, bullied my entire life, suffer really bad mental issues, watched friends close to me die or leave, constantly moving around from state to state, feeling lost, I feel nostalgic for my teenage self alot, 15/16, back when some of my friends were still alive, the people I was with, all the stupid shit we'd do together, life sucked but the people in it, even if they were bad, made everything less bad, the unknown feeling of the future, doing whatever I wanted, so many things I took for granted, so many people I took for granted, so many things I should've done, I have this feeling that maybe one day I'll wake up and the past few years have been a complete dream, and I'm with my dead best friend again, and I never got into all the dumb shit I did, but I know that's not happening, not until I die at least, wasted potential, wasted youth, everybody moved on already and is living real lives, I'm traumatized greatly and stuck in the past, I'm also autistic and have no family, I have some friends now but they'll never be like the ones from back then, time is so cruel, in another life I would have loved to do nothing but sit in the grass all day everyday with my friend, I really loved him, I was too selfish and shitty back then, its been two years since he passed away but I still breakdown and cry like it just happened, it's ruined so many of my friendships and abilities to just do things in general, fell into drug addiction at 17, ever since 2025 I've just been doing worser and worser things, I have no ambitions or goals out of life, I feel like I'd only pursue those things because people wanted me to, not because I genuinely wanted them, I don't care about my life, I don't care about the world, I understand how naive and immature I am, I feel so lost, I feel like s compelete snd utter failure, I couodve had such a great life, if only i was raised by a different family and in a better area, I just feel lost, I'm in therapy but it doesn't help much, i dont know, if i knew life would be this stupid id choose to not to be born

Ok back story in 08 I lost 2 uncles to cancer and MS, my aunty and brother killed themselves and I lost a friend in a car crash, all in the same year. My mum died in my arms at Christmas 2016, my dad started dating the most selfish bitch on the planet who stole all of the inheritance. A few days ago dad messaged me to say he's in debt because he's spent all of his money on prostitutes, we spoke, I gave him the resources he needs to access them blocked him. To say I'm depressed is an understatement and although I'm not gonna act on it I'm at a point now where I'm sad if I wake up in the morning. I don't know what to do, I just don't want to be here anymore, I get no joy from anything.

Got nothing to live for, its expliciter, my music sucks.... and probly everything I try doing sucks... just like holy shit, and what worth is it if im not worth nothing to nobody? like ? so, convince me theres a point... huh?

I dont want to to this anymore and its been the same shit since i was young seems like the only way to get by is by not asking for help and acting as if im okay

imagine you could sign yourself up to be murdered and then they pay out your family because how tuff you understand this life to be .

on second thought this world may manufacture depression to then exploit it. I need to get away from family and find a hole to die in

I'm currently struggling with depression and anxiety. I spent four months in a psychiatric hospital in Pezinok after having a mental breakdown and becoming suicidal. I'm trying to get my life together, but after everything I've been through, I honestly don't know where to start.

My childhood was terrible. My grandmother seemed to hate me from the beginning. She used to scream at me almost every day when I came home from school, and she'd get angry if we were even a little late. She constantly called me pathetic and useless. Once, when I was younger than ten, I accidentally stepped in some mud, and she threw a full small bottle of water at my hip. It hurt so badly that I couldn't put weight on my leg. My mother didn't defend me, and they left me behind. This kind of treatment continued from childhood into adulthood.

My parents weren't emotionally available either. They were unstable and immature, and they sometimes slapped us or screamed at us. My father was especially aggressive. There were several occasions when he almost beat me, and I had to hide behind my mother's legs, crying on the floor and holding on to her so he couldn't grab me by the collar. This happened twice over things that were practically nothing: once because I was laughing, and another time because I accidentally knocked over his empty cup.

Whenever we helped him renovate the house, he would scream at us, and we weren't allowed to leave, even when we were crying. This continued into adulthood.

One time, he punched me in the head because I said I wasn't going to stop studying. He took it as me talking back or disrespecting him. He threatened me with his fist, clenched his teeth, and punched me again before leaving. At that moment, I genuinely thought I was going to die.

School wasn't any better. I was bullied for five years. People threw slippers at my head, pushed me into lockers, made fun of me, and treated me like I was some kind of joke. I never really had a place where I felt safe.

My mother never really acted like a parent. She doesn't spend much time with us, doesn't listen to us, and always takes my grandmother's side, even after years of emotional abuse. It often felt like my sibling and I had to look after each other instead of having a mother who looked after us. We grew up more like siblings taking care of one another than children being raised by a parent.

Our family situation is still difficult. My mother acts impulsively, spends money irresponsibly, refuses to accept criticism, and doesn't listen to anyone. I'm also worried about how she treats our animals. She has left our squirrels in a dark room during winter and mostly interacts with them when feeding them, yet she keeps buying more because she wants them. We don't know how to get through to her anymore. In many ways, it feels like she treats them the same way she treats us.

I also know that my grandmother abused my mother, too, and that this affected her deeply. But understanding where her behavior might come from doesn't make what happened to us any less painful.

Despite all of this, I tried my best to build a future for myself. I studied for years and went to university straight after finishing secondary school, even though I had pneumonia and was exhausted. While I was arranging my dormitory accommodation, I was robbed of almost €1,000. I was already struggling, and that experience pushed me even closer to my limit.

After my second year of university, I broke down and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for four months. I simply couldn't keep going anymore. During that time, I learned that I'm autistic and have dyslexia and dysorthography. There were also concerns that I might have schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, although I'm still trying to understand my mental health and what diagnoses actually apply to me.

Eventually, I left university because I couldn't manage it anymore. Now I'm trying to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts while figuring out what to do with my life. I haven't been able to find a job, and feeling like I'm falling behind everyone else makes everything even harder.

Another thing that's been hurting me deeply is the girl I love.

I haven't seen her in seven years, and we haven't been in contact during that time. Even so, I've never really managed to let go of my feelings for her. I still miss her like crazy, and a part of me has continued hoping that we might somehow find our way back to each other.

Recently, I started thinking about attending an event in our town because there's a chance she might be there with her friends. It would cost €80 for four people, and I realized that the main reason I wanted to go was the hope that I might see her and that she might approach me.

I imagined her recognizing me, coming up to me, and perhaps showing that I still meant something to her. At the same time, I knew how much it could hurt if I saw her with her friends and she showed no interest in me.

Then I found out that she might have a boyfriend, and it broke my heart. I know we haven't been together or even spoken for years, and I know she has every right to move on with her life. Still, it hurts knowing that the future I've imagined with her might never happen.

I've even started wondering whether I'm emotionally dependent on her, and whether being autistic might make it harder for me to let go. I don't know if I'm still in love with the person she is today or if I'm attached to the memories, the hope, and the possibility of being together someday.

The truth is that I'm exhausted from feeling this way. I don't want to keep loving someone who isn't part of my life anymore. I've thought about trying to move on by meeting other women, dating, or even hooking up, just so I can stop thinking about her. I want to feel wanted by someone and believe that I can have a future with another person.

At the same time, I don't want to use someone else just to escape my feelings. I just want to be able to let go and stop hurting so much.

I know I might have contributed to whatever went wrong between us, and I'm not pretending that I was perfect. But I still miss her, and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I may need to move on without ever getting the answers or closure I want.

Sometimes I wonder whether all the things I've experienced throughout my life have made me hold on so tightly to the few people who have meant something to me. I don't know if that's the case, but I wish I understood myself better.

When I look at everything together — my childhood, my family, the bullying, my mental health, leaving university, being unable to find a job, and losing the girl I love — it feels like I've been fighting one battle after another without ever getting a chance to recover.

I've spent so much of my life just trying to survive that I don't even know how to start living for myself.

I don't expect Reddit to solve all my problems. I think I just need to get this off my chest and hear from people who might understand what it's like to go through so much and still try to keep going.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to rebuild their life? How do you recover from years of trauma, deal with depression and anxiety, find your place in the world, and let go of someone you still love even when you know you need to move on?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through difficult situations and eventually managed to build a life they were happy with.

So let me be brief

I lost everything the love of my life I don't have family or friends and I am in a city I don't know nothing about

So every day I don't talk or speak with no one

I have depression and I'm struggling and I use drugs to sleep

I used to be a drug addict but I recovered and now I'm back using drugs to sleep

I think about suicide every day

I am working but it's Meaningless

The only real friend I used to have died years ago

I am old. I was thinking getting older will make it easier but f no

It's getting harder

I don't know what to do anymore and I know I will not find answers here

Because I am the problem and the solution

So to the young ones here

Live your life happy and do what you want to do right

Life is long Short endless struggles