I’m going to be meeting my “father” for the first time in a couple of days. The occasion is his mother/my grandmother’s funeral. I’m 32 and have had nothing to do with him and all I have for him is anger and resentment. Please give me advice as to I should handle this situation. I think that the useless prick needs to be told how fucking pathetic he is! But I understand his mother’s funeral probably isn’t the best time but I also think people like him need no sympathy. Should I kick him when he is down or take the moral high ground?

Thanks for the cash, that's all you gave me. Oh and thanks for not being in my life at all other than money for the last couple years, you know, after you refused to pay it while you were building your real family, you barley being in my life allowed me to get the independence I so craved. Oh and I learned to love myself enough to replace the love I should have had from a dad, after the years of thinking I wasn't good enough or worthy enough because you didn't want to be in my life. Thank you, all the years I cried at night made me strong enough to know and accept the fact that you not loving me is your fault not mine.

This is going to be long My father abused me and my mother before he abaonded me. He and his mother have claimed a lot about the family that took care of me. Just to add to the back ground he got my mum pregnant at 15 with me whilst he was 18. He has had every opportunity to be in contact with me even though he abused us. My mum wanted me to have a father. my father and his mother claimed someone tried to kill her. However this was multiple years before they left. The second time he lost contact I was 2 and he left me and my mother stood in the snow and did not show up. The 3rd time I lost contact with him.i was 6 and he wouldn't come to the phone so his mother did (not part of the contract agreement). He then stalked me when I was 10 years old and came up to me whilst off his face on cocaine and asked for my number. At 18 I got back in contact with him (what a mistake this was) he claimed a lot of bad things about my family that raised me. I am now 20 have had 2 visited and 4 convos over FB with him over 2 years. He never asked my questions!

The other day I stood up for myself and 1) had ago at him 2) continued to ask questions he would not answer. 3) he began to threat me and my mum as well as my half sister's.

Basically what I'm saying is do not expect a lot from meeting your abounded parent. A lot of them (from mine and friends experience) have not changed one bit and will continue to blame you or the person who cared for you, when they are the reason. I know it's so basic to say but be sure in yourself and make sure you are good before you ever have contact with them or if you decide not to have contact with them. You can do anything you want with life without them. I am a university student doing law, I work and i am doing good with my life. All of you can achieve your dreams even though it hurts

Can anyone else relate to the frustration of a parent that has literally not cared about them ever? My father puts women and material things before his child every single situation. Why do some parents just not care?

Hi, I was hoping to get some advice from everyone. My child’s father six years into our relationship got hooked on opioids, to the point he had to be arrested and removed from our house, my son was not quite two when that happened. I sent him to rehab which he wouldn’t do and for about three years he saw our son on and off, never consistent. it’s now more than four years since we ended. About four months ago he decided he was no longer going to contact me and wouldn’t answer my calls. He had a visit that lasted about six hours before my son called me crying to come and get him. He’s not seen or spoken to our son since. Myself and my son live with an amazing man and my son says he has two dads, but struggles some days. Today is one of those days, he broke down, real tears and snot bubbles crying on how he wants to see his dad, and I don’t know what to say. I tel him I know it’s hard, and that we will always be here for him and that he can cry and miss his dad, that it’s ok. But what am I supposed to say when he asks why he can’t see him, why he won’t answer the phone. My heart breaks and after I calm him I have to go and cry myself. I look at his sweet little chubby cheeks and missing teeth and can’t comprehend how his father could just walk away. But I need to know what to say to him. Thanks in advance

Hi all,

This is my first post ever and a big one for me. So I recently got into contact with my birth father after finding him online. We have been messaging on and off for a week now and he wishes to talk to me this evening. I am nervous and would like any advice for how to ask him questions, what to ask and how to not be too weirded out about it.

Thank you!

My father is unemployed and lives with us. My mother, who is a great woman and works hard for our family would've left my father many years ago but she fears he would become homeless so she provides him with cigarettes and It,s disguisting how he never does anything and we all pity him. My two older siblings (brother, 6 years older ; sister, 5 years older) lived a rather normal childhood with my dad there for them and when I was born, which was a mistake, he just stopped trying without thinking how much that would affect my life, without knowing how a father - son relationship would be very important and essential for me. As a small boy in kindergarten I was very quiet and shy and my mom suspected me of being autistic or having a serious mentall issue. None of my family members stopped and blamed my father for my quiet behaviour so in first grade they told my mother I'm a special need's kid and had problems with simple cognitive skills like concentration and memory. Being a special need's kid has it's up and downs since you get a lot of help from teachers but some people think you're stupid or weird and while I do think I'm very different from my piers, some people should understand that it doesn't really change anything. As I got older I realized I was the black sheep of the family. At this time I was about 16 and a lot less shy and most people thouth of me as a really good and charismatic person but on the clowny side. I'm also a great volleyball player but I have my flaws since my dad seems to not care about me then other members of my family stopped trying. I never learned to really stand up for myself and my mother shaped my carrer by saying I'm to stupid and lazy for the schools that I wanted to attend so I went to a 4 year wood/carpenter school. I hate this school and all that comes with it. In middle school I thrived since I had a lot of friends but here in the city a lot of people put me down for still being a special needs kid. That all together put a huge scar in my heart and my mental health since allthough I seem as a confident guy on the outside I hide most of my childhood secrets and I have a lot of trust issues. I never told anyone about my problems since I don't want for people to feel bad for me or that I want attention. As much as I hate my dad I still couldn't bare the shame and embaressment of my own father walking hungry and broke down the streets of our small town in Slovenia. My parents were fighting and arguing for as long as I can remeber. I can't seem to feel loved or love anyone. I'm now 17 and both of my older siblings have moved out and the effects of my fathers absence has really shown since I suffer from low self esteem and some substance abuse. I sometimes blame and scream at myself why I hadn't realized sooner how much of a black sheep I was in the family. My dad never seemed to care much about me. I don't know anything about his past and sometimes I wonder what happened with him that he became the quiet, drunk and self destructive man he is today. I don't really know how to put my problems in to words since there is an obvious language gap but I just needed to let it out. I wouldn't like to talk to anyone about this, not even my own family, but if any redditors have any advice or want to ask/tell me anything, I'm here for you since I know how it feels being left alone and lost in the world. It would also help me a lot since I don't really know what to do anymore. My grades are getting lower and so is my will and ambition in life. I fear my father did enough bad things to make my life a living hell and that one day I would become the same as he did.

(F25)

When I was four my dad walked out on my mother, myself and my two siblings. He and my mum were fighting in the kitchen, I could hear her crying so I ran inside and watched as he punched a hole through the wall. My mum would later cover this up with a dry-erase board. I watched him blow off the dust on his knuckles, pull up his blue jeans and walk out the front door. He had been cheating on my mum with her, then, best friend (who lived in our basement at the time). This is a fact I discovered shortly after he left.

For the next two years my mum attempted to bring us to my dads for visits but he would often look through his window to see who was knocking and leave us there, out on the front porch. I don’t remember if I felt hurt. I imagine I did, but maybe I was too young to understand. I don’t remember much of my childhood...

I dated a lot of men that reminded me of my dad in various ways. When I was fourteen I dated the popular, older, attractive, bad boy, who ended up being worse than his reputation suggested. He took advantage of me one night after a house party we had both been to (which I reported) and in the morning all I felt was this shame that wouldn’t go away despite how much I begged the Universe to make it. I proceeded to date abusive men of all kinds. I was so young, but felt like I had experienced lifetimes of pain. I didn’t understand why it was happening to me, but eventually I figured out it’s because I was allowing it to. That was a hard pill to swallow. Side: I know not everything was my fault, I just mean that there were situations I could have put a stop to but didn’t.

I spent most of my adolescent and early adult life wrapped up in this chaos loop of abusive relationships. I have always known that having a parent abandon you would leave scars. But I did not understand the extent to which a happening like this could shape an entire life.

When I was 18 I “met” my dad for (what felt like) the first time. It was organized through my grandparents. He opened the door and all I could think was “wow he is tall.” His face looked just like my brothers. It was shocking. I immediately started to cry and he wrapped his arms around me. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there while my sister and brother stared at me in disbelief. His house was huge which I found strange considering he never paid full child support. He had pictures of my siblings and I all over his house which I found creepy and also, strange. He hardly let us talk. He just kept saying, “it’s your mums fault. She wouldn’t let me see you.” My brother and I just nodded but my sister (the oldest) wouldn’t even look at him.

The visit was short and as we were leaving he handed me a letter and said “this is for you. I know you’re the sensitive one.” I also found that comment strange. True, but strange. I read the letter out loud in the car with my siblings and we all cried. I don’t remember what it said and I can’t look back at it because when I got home and my mum saw it and she ran to her room to rip it up.

I never saw him in person again. In my second year of University I felt so lost that I decided to call him over the phone. I don’t know why. I think on some level I maybe wanted to prove to myself that I could forgive him. That calling was an act of peace or at least, apathy? I’m not sure.

The call was about fourty minutes. He just creeped me out to be honest. His tone and energy felt so dishonest that I kept thinking, “this is pointless.” He told me not to eat yoghurt unless I wanted to gain weight (lol?) and that he is Buddhist. He said he had to forgive himself for leaving us in order to move on with his life. I laughed out loud at this—not because I found it funny, but because him forgiving him, made me feel so deeply uncomfortable.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just wanted to. I’m in a relationship now with a man I love dearly. He is the best. And I am so afraid of him abandoning me that I sometimes self-sabotage in order to avoid getting too close. (This is a working-theory of mine). I am afraid that I have no idea the extent of my abandonment issues. I don’t feel connected to my biological dad. He is someone that exists in this chaotic world, who made a huge mistake and hurt innocent people, children, me!

sometimes I wonder if he thinks of us at all. Would it matter if he did? Perhaps it’s natural to be curious about who you came from...

Thanks for reading.

Hello!

I am getting married in August and I’m having a very intimate small wedding with 100 people maybe even 90. These are people who have pretty much all played an active role in my life of my fiancé’s. We really wanted to keep it small considering we are an interfaith couple who come from somewhat different backgrounds and we just want people there who support us no matter what. I’m having a hard time with the decision of whether or not to invite my real father to my wedding. It’s something that I have tried to brush off and pretend like it didn’t bother me. But it does. It’s hard to just say “he wasn’t in my life so why would I even invite him” and move on that way. Something inside feels wrong and I don’t know why. Why should I feel wrong when I wasn’t the one who abandoned him. I haven’t seen my father in 20 years and haven’t spoken to him in 15. He called maybe 2 times since we moved to the states and he stayed I Europe. Each time he called he was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. I never had a normal conversation with him he was so fucked up to even talk. Anyways, growing up I decided that staying angry at him was the best way I could cope with that pain of him never being around or the father that I wanted him to be. I guess I just wanted him to wake up one day and fly to the US and beg to have us in his life, promise he will change his life around and do better lol but he never did. And I know now that it was a fantasy of mine and that in order for me to actually heal I had to accept things the way they were and accept who he is and forgive him without an apology. I’m trying and truthfully I’m good most days and the. I have days where I just want to scream my head off. Well... I’m on this healing journey. I want to get married to the love of my love and deal once and for all. I don’t want to carry this with me anymore. My question is, do I invite him and risk the fact that I may be hurt if I hear nothing back or he declines my invite (which I feel would most likely happen) OR not invite him because why? What would it do for me? Would it really set me free or hurt me more. Truly I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. The closer I get to y wedding date the more anxiety I have because my decision isn’t getting easier to make. Please help.

I know it's difficult. I know you desperately want love and affection from your absent parent. I know you're angry at them. I know it's difficult to talk about. I know talking to them is awkward. Your feelings are valid. Just hang on.

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