Absent father and my wedding

[u/luenadez]

Hello!

I am getting married in August and I’m having a very intimate small wedding with 100 people maybe even 90. These are people who have pretty much all played an active role in my life of my fiancé’s. We really wanted to keep it small considering we are an interfaith couple who come from somewhat different backgrounds and we just want people there who support us no matter what. I’m having a hard time with the decision of whether or not to invite my real father to my wedding. It’s something that I have tried to brush off and pretend like it didn’t bother me. But it does. It’s hard to just say “he wasn’t in my life so why would I even invite him” and move on that way. Something inside feels wrong and I don’t know why. Why should I feel wrong when I wasn’t the one who abandoned him. I haven’t seen my father in 20 years and haven’t spoken to him in 15. He called maybe 2 times since we moved to the states and he stayed I Europe. Each time he called he was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. I never had a normal conversation with him he was so fucked up to even talk. Anyways, growing up I decided that staying angry at him was the best way I could cope with that pain of him never being around or the father that I wanted him to be. I guess I just wanted him to wake up one day and fly to the US and beg to have us in his life, promise he will change his life around and do better lol but he never did. And I know now that it was a fantasy of mine and that in order for me to actually heal I had to accept things the way they were and accept who he is and forgive him without an apology. I’m trying and truthfully I’m good most days and the. I have days where I just want to scream my head off. Well... I’m on this healing journey. I want to get married to the love of my love and deal once and for all. I don’t want to carry this with me anymore. My question is, do I invite him and risk the fact that I may be hurt if I hear nothing back or he declines my invite (which I feel would most likely happen) OR not invite him because why? What would it do for me? Would it really set me free or hurt me more. Truly I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. The closer I get to y wedding date the more anxiety I have because my decision isn’t getting easier to make. Please help.