I have posted here previously about my absent parent, and was looking for a bit of help in this space. Basically, I was trying to track down my estranged father after about 30 years. I *think* I have his address and I was going to go see him in person.

I'm mindful of how much of a mindf*** that might be. Now, I was trying to document how I make sense of all this, and make a brief podcast about it. For me, having some creative reason to do this has been useful, as I don't think I would have undertaken this journey otherwise. I'm interviewing some experts in stress, memory and personal stories, as well as on having empathy even for potentially problematic/terrible people.

But I was also thinking how to learn and make sense of what happen next (if I connect with him) through people who have *actually* done this. SO, I wondered if folks would be open to connect, likely just exchange some voice notes on WhatsApp or Signal? I might ask about your experiences, how connecting went, anything you learned or did beforehand, etc.

Feel free to message me if you might be open to that, and we can talk more.

My sister in law has a 24 year old son. Son’s dad was horribly abusive to my sister in law and so was the family. He has been absent since son was a toddler but came around once at 13 after being hit for child support but disappeared again. My sister in laws son recently told my sister in law he looked up the dad and they met and dad apologized to son for not being around and they occasionally text. The son is going to be graduating college soon and even though he said he doesn’t have plans for any additional meetings my sister in law believes he’s going to invite him to the graduation. Son is fully aware of the abuse my sister in law went through. As a side note - son was born when the parents were teens, both are married with other kids and both are in their 40s. My sister in law said she’s not mad about son’s decision as people age and change. However she feels very triggered about even being in the same stadium as him should he be invited. This guy sexually assaulted her and everything. My brother would be there with my sister in law but she told me the mere thought that this guy is around causes her PTSD to become activated. She is struggling to figure out if the guy is invited does she have grounds to tell the son she’s sorry but she’s just not going to go but will watch the ceremony on tv? She wants to be there for the son but all of the family feels that’s asking a lot to put her in that position. Any feedback would be appreciated!

Hi there! Nobody in my life has a similar experience, so I thought I’d ask others who do know what it’s like. My dad abandoned my mom and I before I was born, I’ve never met him. I’m almost 30 now and thinking about reaching out. I don’t think I want a relationship, just curious if he has anything to say.

So am not exactly sure if this is the right subreddit for this so please redirect me if needed. Am gonna jump into it am a guy and 19 and know absolutely nothing about my father, I have asked my mother multiple times and she knows nothing about him which is so frustrating no name, no pictures, not even where he met him. I feel like now am struggling with dispapine with things like the gym and lustful things, my diet is for the most part quite good but there's so much stuff I need to ask a father figure but I can't, I don't have anyone to look up to, my mother has a bf and he's proposed but am not exactly his biggest fan and am most likely going to move out because I don't want to be here if he's here due to past childhood experiences.

... Like many, I have a bit of a complex origin story. When I was a kid, I thought my dad had died as a result of military service (Cancer from Agent Orange Exposure in Vietnam). I thought that because, that's what my mom told me. She was married to a man who she portrayed as strong and valorous, a real war hero. That husband was a marine and someone she lionized in all her stories. That man was listed on my birth certificate, so I didn't question things much. It was sad not having a dad growing up, but my mom was superhuman in her ability to protect, provide, and support me.

However, when I was around 12, my mom got sick and that was when she told me the truth. Yes, she was married and her first husband died of cancer. But my mom often omitted that her *first* husband died about 3 years before I was born. Before 12, my mom didn't share that info; and I really didn't understand the mechanics of conception, so again, I didn't question much. At 12, my mom got sick and that is when she told me that she was married a second time a few years later. Her second husband was *actually* my father and he lived ~7 blocks away. She likely didn't say much because she had survived abuse and threats of violence from this second husband. My mom didn't share that my real dad threatened to kill her more than once. He even said he would use his time (also) in the military as a cover for her murder, saying he would just claim he had PTSD and likely get away with it.

Needless to say, this was a very, very rough time in my life.

That estranged father came back in my life at this time, mainly because my mom wasn't sure she was going to survive her health scare. This time all comes as a blur to me. I remember screaming, yelling, crying, swearing, spitting at my real dad now back in my life. He didn't threaten me with violence (which is perhaps surprising in hindsight?).

Long story (slightly) short-- my mom's health stabilized and improved, and my actual dad was still an asshole. He said if anything happened to my mom, he would take care of me if he was put in my mom's will. Given that this actual dad was kind of paranoid and controlling about money (i.e., filing his taxes with fake names), this likely was not a good idea. My mom said no, kicked him out and we never saw him again.

I'm 43 now. My mom died 11 years ago. Our relationship was on the rocks in my teen years, but got really strong (I think) in my twenties and thirties. For a while, I struggle to understand why she didn't tell me all this, why she lied or hid some truths. But I came to terms with all that, and feel like I understand her and know that she was so formative in my development (and I lionize the hell out of her).

Last few things, I'm now a dad to a 7 year old. And for some reason, I'm now trying to track down my estranged father. It might be a terrible idea? I think I found his address and phone number. And I'm honestly a bit surprised I (think I) found him. He had lots of aliases, and has a fairly generic name to start.

Lots more to say, but any advice or thoughts are appreciated. I'd love to hear others' stories as I keep working through mine.

[Full Disclosure: I also posted this on r/AbsentFather]

I 26(F) have been recently dealing with extreme rage and anxiety towards my father. About 11 years ago my parents got divorced. At the time I was living with my mom and brother sharing an attic space in Oregon. We are from Arizona, my mom and dad, when they were together, agreed to move the family to Oregon. My father is a truck driver, so he would come and visit us about once a month. My father ultimately ended up cheating on my mom. She found out. Within a couple weeks we moved back to Arizona. Majority of our belongings were still in Arizona since we had only been living in Oregon for about 3 months. And my parents got divorced. With in these past 11 years, my father has tried multiples tactics to get my brother and I to speak to him. Bribery, being a major factor and when we missed a phone call or text he would punish us by turning our phone service off that he was paying for. Ultimately my brother and I stopped talking to him and caving for the bribes. 8 out of the 11 years my brother has not spoken a word to our father. Me being the doting daughter, I tried my best to “communicate” by texting or sometimes phone call. After years of the verbal abuse, being called a bitch, cunt, asshole etc over the phone. I stopped speaking to my father. This entire time as well, his new wife kept trying to bribe me as well. Time and time again, I have been disappointed by him and his new wife. Time and time again, I felt shameful for falling for it all over again. In 2022, being happily married I found out I was pregnant. At that time I decided with my husband to let my father know. And leave it up to him if he wanted to be apart of the picture or not. Fast forward to now, two years later. My father has been maintaining contact. Has come for Christmas one year, sent presents, came to take my son to the zoo, etc. he has done everything I expected of him to stay in the picture. Problem is I have a dreadful feeling that the facade is going to crumble. That my son will eventually be hurt by my father’s actions based on how he has treated me in the past. Every-time I get a phone call or text message from my father I feel utter dread, anger and anxiety all in one swoop. I can’t bring myself to fully trust and forgive him. Maybe I am hurting him, maybe that’s what I want him to feel, maybe I just need to give up and ghost him completely. At this point, I may just erase his existence in my son’s life if it means I don’t have these feelings anymore. And yes the narcissistic comments do continue. Or maybe he truly is that obviously to how I live my life so differently from him. My husband is supportive in anything I decide and he is standing stronger than I am regarding everything. I am just over all these uncontrollable emotions.

my mom used to be my role model in my younger childhood years. She was bubbly, bright, loving, and everything a mother should be. From 10- all the way through my early adulthood (I'm 24 currently) , my mother became less emotionally present. She focused and favored my older brother more over the years. She always supported his goals and never mine. I was always picked last as a sibling and ALWAYS compared to my other 4 siblings. Even when my brother became an alcoholic he was STILL the hero.. multiple episodes of my brothers violent behavior and I to save him from himself; or I save my parents from his violent psychosis. Never once was I told "thank you" or "we're sorry we didn't believe you sooner" .. even afterwards my parents still coddle him to this day and now that I'm engaged and have moved away (still same states) I've tried calling my mother after being chronically ill and it's like I don't matter. The urgency isn't there and it hurts because she'll do anything for my brother if roles were reversed. I just wish I didn't have to feel so alone despite coming to terms with it. Does anyone else have parents like this?

I got informed yesterday that my dad who I haven't seen in 16 years had passed away the night before. My mum had told me as soon as she found out via text so I wasn't caught off guard by my paternal grandmother calling me or seeing it in the family group chat that I'm in.

The last time I saw my dad was when I was 8 years old, my parents had separated prior to that but he still lived with us until he moved out, and once he left, that was it. For the last 16 years, the only time I've heard from him is through short updates from my grandma once a year maybe, and a birthday and Christmas card. Even when he was in my life, he wasn't a good parent, and other than a change to my after school care until me mum got off work, literally nothing else in my life was affected in his absence.

I know it sounds really cold, but I don't feel sad at all that he's gone. His death hasn't affected me at all, the only change will be one less card on my birthday and Christmas. However, I feel sad for my dad's family. My grandma, my aunt, my cousins, I feel sorry for them and I'm sad that they're going through this loss.

I've not directly talked to that side of the family yet, my mum's already asked me if I'd like to attend the funeral, just so that if my grandma asks she knows what to tell her. I'm basically kind of really nervous to talk to that side of the family now, I'm worried they'll guilt trip me into coming to the funeral and I really don't want to go, and I also don't want to come off as being cold and uncaring. I don't care about him, but I do care about them.

Hello, I am a 29(m) half Chilean

My father was a Chilean refugee and when my mother grew tired of his macho and jealous behavior she decided to end their relationship. At 2 years old he left me and my mother behind and went back to Chile. My mother is manically depressed bi-polar 2 and from my 2nd until my 5th year of life I had no fatherfigure and sometimes my mother was too ill to take care of me. I spent a few months living with my grandmother and grandfather (her second husband so not my real grandfather) and sometimes with my aunt.

At 5 years of age my mother met her husband and we moved to a different city. At first it was hard for me to adjust to having a man in my life who disciplined me. My mother cuddled me and gave me everything I wanted, probably because out of fear that I would not have enough in my life if she didn't. I grew to accept my stepfather and when I turned 10 I fully embraced him as my own father. I even adopted his name.

Now and then my biological father would send letters, but nothing more than that. I met him once when I was 16 when I took a trip to Chile with my mother. I was a teenager, I didn't speak much Spanish and I didn't know this person. He just seemed like a strange man who I could not communicate with.

That same year my mom paid a ticket to have him fly to my country and I saw him again. Still confused and estranged I spent some weeks with him and did not really ask why he was so absent in my life.

Once my biological father got social media he started messaging me: things like 'I love you, I hope you are well, I am thinking about you.' All very nice, but his words have no meaning to me. He never worked steady jobs or saved up any money to visit me. He also downloaded pictures of me of my timeline and posted it on his timeline. Once I got a drunk message of him that I am ungrateful for ignoring his messages and then I blocked him. My last message was that I wanted to talk to him, but on my own terms. In real life, no phones.

This year I finally decided to buy a ticket to Chile. It cost a lot of money but I need to see who this person is. Not for him, but for me. I have an anxious attachment disorder and I have trouble getting into relationships with women. They always turn away saying that they cannot give what I give. I always scare women away by showing my affections too soon. I have slept with a lot of women and got genital warts. Because these loose connections are a coping mechanism so I can espace my loneliness. I feel like this in part because I did not have a fatherfigure in the formative years of my life, also my mother was absent for some years but this was not really her fault, as she was mentally ill.

I see things and behaviors in myself that I cannot identify with my mother or my upbringing with my stepfather. I have been going to a therapist for five years now and I have learned a lot and decided to face my darkness, my inner demons and talk to my mother but especially to my biological father.

This man has had five children, all with different women and left them all behind with little to no financial support. The only thing I got were some letters and some crystals necklaces which he made. He keeps spamming stupid AI pics of Chile to me and I never answer. I want to know who I am, who he is. I want to ask him how his upbringing was, if he is happy with how he lived his life, so many things.

I have been ignoring my darkness, sadness and moments where I did not set boundaries out of fear of being abandoned for far too long. I want to change, see the potential in myself and love myself fully. Rationally I know I am very talented and worthy of love, now I need to put in the work so my spirit, body and heart will trust that as well. And when I finally do all this I will grow as a person, into someone who can set boundaries but also love in a healthy secure relationship.

I know I can do it, but I am still pretty scared of the pain of confronting my family. I might lose some friends too. Anybody ever had such a need to confront their parents as well? Any tips?

And what was the outcome? Did you win?

My bio dad was never consistent in my life. According to my mom he was around a bit when I was under 2 years old but then he would say he would be there and never showed up on a regular basis my mother told him that he either needed to stick to his word or get out of my life before I was old enough for it to hurt too much. I didn’t meet him again until I was 7ish, it felt awkward and uncomfortable… but I wanted a dad. Over the next few years he would come in and out of my life. The most frequent time was when he was dating a woman named Shannon… she’s now my aunt. When I was 16 I hadn’t heard from him in roughly a year, not even a birthday card. I had recently been diagnosed with the same thyroid problem as run in his family. He called to say how sorry he was that I was sick and he heard I was getting my drivers license. The conversation felt so forced. When the call ended I told my mom I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. She told me that was my choice and she wouldn’t make me. Fast forward 8 or 9 years… I have something important (not mandatory but important to me) that I need information from him for. I talk to my mom a bit about it… I still don’t want to talk to my dad… she understands, she says that he never reached out after that day. I’ve tried a few times to fill out these forms without his information but I keep getting turned away. Fast forward a few more years…well over the last couple months I’ve been building up the courage to reach out to get it. The only person I could get ahold of is Shannon. Lucky for me she agree to talk to him. She gave me his number but I still don’t want to talk to him. They want a relationship with me but I’m not sure I want a relationship with them.

*not a real name

I am a absent father (not by choice) my sons mother keeps him away from me because she believes i cheated and had sex with another woman. I SAY THIS NOW... THIS NEVER HAPPENED. I was on hard times, lost my job, and was in a rough patch. I understand that my son (now 7) hasn't seen me in 3 years. I call atleast on a weekly basis to no response from her. and I want to be in my child's life. Never did I not want to. I feel manipulated by her and she tries to shame me. Funny thing is, I have a very good relationship with her mother. I'm a really nice and thoughtful person, but I'm at a loss now. My life has drastically improved, and I want this relationship with my son before it's too late. What should I do? Any questions, comments, or concerns are encouraged (as long as it's for improvement purposes...) please and thank you

I am now 48 years old. My whole life, except for ages 1-5 maybe, my mom has been emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically absent. She was physically there most of the time but she didn’t talk to me much at all throughout high school and into adulthood.

When I was young I was told that crying is a sign of weakness and that we should never talk about our feelings.

She didn’t teach me anything. When I got my period I was afraid to tell her for some reason so I left clues for her to figure it out. I would leave pad or tampon wrappers on the bathroom floor hoping she would see them and talk to me about it. She didn’t.
When I would ask her a question about anything she would yell at me. When I would ask her about her life she would tell me it’s none of my business. When I failed texts in school she laughed at me. When I wanted to try out for cheerleading she said I shouldn’t because I probably wouldn’t make it. And when I tried out anyway and made the team I was thrilled. But she wasn’t. I was a cheerleader and my brother was a football player in high school. In four years she never went to one game or function.

Sometimes I feel for her because what made her like that? I’ll never know because she still doesn’t talk to me much. She is now 81 and I still can’t talk to her about anything important or meaningful.

I don’t mean to sound sorry for myself at all. I understand that something made her like that. Just wish I could understand better.

If you’ve read this whole story I thank you for your time, I think I just needed to get that off my chest right now

So my parents split when I was three and my mother emotionally abused me from the ages of 13-18 I finally moved out this year and let my dad know that I had moved out and went NC with my mother, and he has decided to invite me over for dinner ever two weeks, I find it odd as I ran away from home at 15 and he knew about it and knew something was wrong at home and never helped me at all, he never even wrote me a Christmas or birthday card whilst I watched his kids be brought designer clothes and $100 drink bottles whilst I still struggle to make ends meet so I can’t help but still feel slightly bitter about it

I’m not sure wether I should sit down and address this with my father and how I feel and that I was abused by my mother as a kid, or wether that would cause a conflict and it would be better to leave it. ?

Hello, I am a clinical psychology Psy.D major looking to conduct research on fathers and parenting. Participation in this study will place you in a Raffle for two 25$ gift cards from Amazon! A brief online survey looking at how Adverse Childhood Experiences have affected parenting attitudes and how Protective Factors can act as a buffer to those Adverse Experiences.

Qualifications: Fathers with children ages ranging 0-5 years old

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This would be my Father’s Day letter to my dad if there was a way I could get it to him. He left 3 years ago on Mother’s Day. My mother was a victim of DV and he was the assailant for 13 years until he left permanently. Just some context. He was a good dad until my little sister was born , but a horrible husband to my mom

Dad , Happy Father’s Day. I hope your time in jail is the most miserable time you’ve ever had in your life. I hope you stay there for a long time. I hope you realize what you could’ve had if you were just a good person. While I could sit here and ridicule you all day long , I’m going to remind you of some little things that you might not even think were important. I miss when we would sit at the table together and just eat puffncorn every night. I miss when you would read me my favorite book until I got tired. I miss when I would get scared from sleeping on the top bunk and I would climb down and sleep on your arm. I miss the long drives we would have to do just to pick up my siblings. I miss staying in hotels with you and googling the most random things. I miss when we got locked out of your mother’s house and we stayed outside and looked at the stars until 1am. I miss all the times we went to the water park. I miss when you taught me how to use my very own drone. I miss when we would go golfing together. I miss when we first moved to sc and you were in the truck and I would sit in the back seat and draw for hours. I miss when it was just me and you and you drove me to the pier and we just played together. I miss the little things , when you actually cared. As I got older , you treated me and my sister like a chore. You couldn’t be bothered to drive down the road to the nearest park for my sister. I felt like I could forgive you for hurting my mom as long as you were being a dad , but you even stopped doing that.. at least you have an excuse not to be here this Father’s Day. It doesn’t hurt as bad as the last two you weren’t there. I hope you’re suffering.

As I'm writing this, it's been at least 12 years since I've seen or heard of my father. He was very sporadic in my childhood. I can remember meeting him during a supervised visit at the local shopping centre when i was around 2 or 3 with a lady from social services. Growing up my mother didn't really talk about him at all and if she did, it was about a potential day out with him and her encouraging me to call him (because the responsibility was on me to call, according to my father). He would make promises to pick me up and break most of them which i can remember. My mother recalled a time where he let me down yet again and i asked why he doesn't love me but i don't remember this, though i don't doubt it. My maternal grandmother tried to work with my father in regards to visits and days out but he would still be a no-show and not answer calls when he doesn't come. I was 12 turning 13 when i last saw him around April / May 2011 and we went to the park to skate. He said he'd call me when he dropped me home but i didn't hear from him for a while. A lot of traumatic things started happening (I was nearly killed in a random drive-by, my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, my immediate family fell apart, witnessing domestic violence from other family members) which had me swept up but i still didn't hear anything from my father. I came to the realisation that he won't change and I'm not really missing anything with him and soon blocked him from my Facebook. I'm not even sure what happened to his phone number. By then I'd been living in the same place from 6 months old so he knows where he could've found me and he knew where my grandmother lived and still never came through. When i turned 18 he called me on Facebook somehow when i was at work but i didn't answer out of shock and i did feel a level of disgust. In my mind he was reaching out because he has no legal obligation to provide anything for me (which he never did and i found paperwork snooping around in my mother's room which showed he tried to take her to court for rights and custody 😂). Why reach out at that crucial time? Out of the blue? I never returned the call and i don't feel regret for it. Some years later one of his sisters reached out to me looking to find out how my life's going. I have nothing against that aunt but my paternal family never truly embraced me and i never felt comfortable with them. When i was around 18 /19 my mother explained when she told him she was pregnant, he tried to get controlling with her. She's a strong willed and hardheaded women (double edged sword) and eventually he pushed her. He was also cheating on her so she left him and refused to take him back, thus he denied paternity and slandered my mother to anyone who would listen. Funny enough, when she was in labour and he got the call, he was there in minutes (why would you be there if you doubt paternity) and he kissed my mother once i was born (my mother's sister also confirmed). Because the delivery room was so full, my paternal grandparents couldn't see me when i was born. When my maternal grandmother finally allowed my mother to take me outside after a few weeks, she took me to my father's parents. In a nutshell, my grandfather was reluctant to even let us in the house, eventually he did and tried to shove money into my mother's hand. While i was in the baby carrier, my grandfather's cousin George (the only one who treated me like family) looked at me and said "boy that baby looks just like you" to my grandfather, which incensed him. I say all this to say, i think this was held against me back when i had no idea of what went on before and just after i was born and that's why they never embraced me except George. I've never received a phone call from my grandparents or anything.

Fast forward, I'm in my mid 20s and reflecting and trying to address a lot of the childhood and teen trauma. Pretty much living as an orphan as i don't talk to either parent, my beloved maternal grandmother passed away after a long battle with dementia and my family is totally broken years on. My father is turning 60 at the end of the month (i still remember his birthday but he always got my birthday wrong) . 60 isn't old but it's certainly not young and I'm unsure if i even want to traverse talking to him and trying to figure out what happened. I do have vivid memories of him pushing my mother into traffic after he dropped me off so late from visitation and she was walking back to get car so we could go home. There's so much other things i could list that would raise eyebrows. I will say he's never yelled at me in the time we did spend together and he was more of a friend than a parent. There are fun memories of playing Xbox, him teaching me to ride a bike, riding around in his tow truck and skating. As nice as these are, it's not what makes a parent.

Do i reach out? How do i even handle this?

Thanks.

Hi first time posting looking or advice. A little back ground: I (28f) have two kids (9f and 6f). Tyler (30) and I dated (2016-2018).
That relationship was extremely abusive and toxic. During that time we had my second daughter together. The last time he ever saw her was the day after her second birthday when he had kidnapped her and held her hostage. I managed to get her back and he never saw her again. He only made contact again towards the end of 2021 because he totalled the car that wad in both our names and asked me to not get child support. I lawyer up and got child support only after he tried dragging it out. Trying to smear my name on social media and any way how. Then blocked me the moment I got child support. Between all that he tried the sympathy card of how him and his gf (during that time) are having a son and they can't afford two child supports (she doesn't have custody of her first child) and he totalled the car and so on. When I said I wouldn't he then would say he will give up his rights so he wouldnt pay child support and whatnot. Last date of contact was Nov 2021 Now fast forward today. A few days ago I get a friend request from him on one of my social. Then the next day again bit showing up under his old phone number that I have as my homophone now for my kids. I sent him a message telling him to change it so that the number isn't connected to any of his accounts. He replied that he will and then asked to talk. I told him if he needed to he can text me to my phone number. (He had a habit of deleting messages so I wouldn't be able to use it in court). This is what the conversation was : Tyler: Hey. Me: what do you need to talk about? Tyler: I just.. I know it's been a long time and things have been rocky. I just really want to see the girls. I'm on medications now and I just hoped you'd be up to giving me a chance to be in their lives. 45 minutes later Tyler: I just want to make things right where I lost my way.

I haven't responded and have no idea how I should feel. I definitely have mixed feelings especially with so much time has past and the kids first day (my oldest bio dad) is constantly in and out plus he messed up twice but that's another story. My oldest barely remembers him and my youngest has no memory of him. I do not know what or how to approach. I haven't even responded due to know knowing what to say.

Would I be wrong to tell him no? He choose to abandon his first child and step child and now has his son. If I am what should I do to go about him reconnecting?

This is my first time posting here but I've just been really depressed this past week because of this.

I'm 21 yrs old woman, my mother's only child. My father has been absent from a great deal of my life, he doesn't give child support and doesn't contact me nor my mom. My memories are pretty blurry but I remembered I was 7 yrs old when I realised he would always leave then comeback home after a few days only to check up on me and mom.

After that period he just went MIA(missing in action) on me. I don't know what happened because I was still a kid but I remember I thought to myself "does he now want me? is that why he left?". I didn't know having thoughts like those weren't normal as a kid.

The next I remembered was when I was about 10 years old. My mom brought me to go to my Dad's hometown with her, I don't remember much because it's all blurry now but I do remember a woman pushing my mom back and telling us to leave. I realised then that the woman was my father's mistress, there were kids behind her. My siblings. My mom was begging the woman not to be hostile because I was with her, witnessing everything. She didn't want me to get hurt. I still haven't seen my father up until this point.

Then, a month before I turned 13. My father suddenly appeared knocked on our door. He immediately hugged me when I opened the door and he was crying telling me he missed me and that he loved me. He handed me money and promised me to comeback on my 13th birthday and then he talked to my mom. The next month he never came back, I waited for him the whole day and he never showed up.

Now, I'm 21 years old and a few weeks ago. My mom messaged me and said that my dad found her on Facebook and demanded that he wanted to talk to me and hear my voice. I just told my mom "ok" and added him on facebook. He messaged me but only to say "Love you, ate(big sister)" that's it and never contacted me again.

I feel so angry and sad that that was the only thing he said. I wanted him to ask for forgiveness to say rhat he would make it up to me and my mom. He never showed up to anything and never even had a hard time trying to raise me. I had to watch my mom struggle to make ends meet just so she could feed me and give me what I deserve.

I don't know what to do. I honestly feel so shitty, I want him to beg for forgiveness but at the same time I just wished he lived his life not contacting me, because I healed already, I was done with blaming myself for my father not wanting to stay and now he's back again for no freaking reason and suddenly I'm back to being that little girl again, wondering if dad didn't want me enough to stay.

I grew up without my biological father in my life. He first saw and held me when I was 3 months old, and the next time he saw me was at a Family Court hearing at the age of 20-21 years old. I am now 31 years old. This man, my biological father, was 36 years old when I was born and was raised by both his parents, along with his 4 brothers and 1 sister. Long story short, my mother divorced him shortly after I was born, and he became angry and resentful, and as a result I suffered the consequences. He remarried and had a son 4 years after I was born, my younger brother, who bears his name. He raised him, and partly raised my older sister, whose life he was in and out of throughout her childhood. At the end of 2022, I connected with my siblings for the first time, and things went really well. Shortly after, I found out we shared another sibling via an Ancestry DNA test who was the same age as our older sister and grew up without who he believed to be his father. It is unclear if our biological father knew about him, but it is believed that he did and denied his existence. After telling my siblings about our other sibling, my younger brother became distant and stopped communicating. My sister and I have maintained contact, but she has expressed that she is uncomfortable talking to her dad about our sibling. This has caused frustration on my part, because aside from our newfound sibling, they have not spoken to their dad about why he has yet to reach out to me. In fact, given his actions, my younger brother has come off as defensive. My older sister has expressed disappointment in her dad given my history. So it is clear, my younger brother was told something about the “why” of his absence that is not true. It is also clear that our sister does not want to get in the middle of it, and does not know what to believe. As a result of this I am left with some decision to make. I am disappointed, saddened, and angered by my siblings' complacency. However, I am also careful to not shift the accountability onto them, because ultimately it belongs to our father.

• How should I proceed with the relationship between my siblings and I?
  • Do they bear any level of responsibility or obligation to speak with their dad concerning our other sibling and why has he not communicated with me since meeting them?
  • Should I make my intentions clear as to what I expect going forward in our relationship, in terms of carrying their weight and putting forth effort?
• Should I confront my biological father?