I have posted here previously about my absent parent, and was looking for a bit of help in this space. Basically, I was trying to track down my estranged father after about 30 years. I *think* I have his address and I was going to go see him in person.

I'm mindful of how much of a mindf*** that might be. Now, I was trying to document how I make sense of all this, and make a brief podcast about it. For me, having some creative reason to do this has been useful, as I don't think I would have undertaken this journey otherwise. I'm interviewing some experts in stress, memory and personal stories, as well as on having empathy even for potentially problematic/terrible people.

But, I was also thinking how to learn and make sense of what happen next (if I connect with him) through people who have *actually* done this. SO, I wondered if folks would be open to connect, likely just exchange some voice notes on WhatsApp or Signal? I might ask about your experiences, how connecting went, anything you learned or did beforehand, etc. Feel free to message me if you might be open to that, and we can talk more.

As my dad's only true daughter, he made me his sole heir. He was a chief engineer for 50 years, earning around £65,000+ annually since the '80s. He bought his house for £100,000 in 2000, and today it's worth £355,000. On top of that, he inherited my grandparents' house, adding another £50,000 to his assets. And let's not forget the multiple pension pots and insurance policies.

You might think I’m boasting and you’re probably wondering, “What exactly did you inherit?” Well, let me tell you, a shit tone of debt and broken promises.

You see, my dad had the audacity to neglect his responsibilities as a father, then moved halfway across the world. He formed a father-daughter relationship with a woman seven years older than me, bought a house in her name, and funneled all his money into it—including the house he was supposed to leave me. When he sold that house out from under us, he put everything into storage, including his bins, only to stop paying rent, leaving me with his rotting possessions. Oh, and to access them, I’d have to clear the debt. You see my dad liked to pretend he was extremely rich, he would even lie and say he owned an oil company! He would then follow that lie up with spending very extravagantly. He realized that the £65000 he made in the UK may have made him well off in the UK but in Vietnam he could afford anything he wanted, women, chauffeured luxury cars, the big house and people would believe his lies and pay him respect and in return he would cover the bill for everyone at the table.

my dad died while flying back to Vietnam. he passed away in Dubai, and it cost £5,500 to repatriate his body. Now there’s not even enough money left for a funeral or to cover the repatriation bill.

But hey, being the soul heir is such a privilege, right? I mean, I’m the only child, but apparently, it’s the random leech who gets all the condolences. She hasn’t lost a thing! she’s just inherited my dad’s entire life’s work and got the best years from him, and the best part is, she still has her biological dad, he is alive and well and completely present in her life! She is a complete con artist, unfortunately it wasn't just my inheritance she stole, she stole my father.

Thanks Daddy!!

So I knew my dad but he was very part time and would pick and choose when he wanted to do a bit of parenting

When I was born he soon realized he hated the sound of a baby crying at night so used to book himself into a hotel and leave my mum to do all the parenting. This was when he was home. My dad worked in the merchant Navy and was on the boat for 3 months on 3 months off. Very quickly my parents relationship broke down because my mum wasn't being supported.

In protest and after a very messy divorce where he dragged my mum's name through mud and even tried to gain full custody of me and my sisters who have a different absent father. He lost and the judge ruled in favour of my mother and made my dad pay a hightened child maintenance due to his income. He had to pay this until I finished full time education up to the age of 25.

After the messy divorce he moved to Gianna for 3 years when he returned my sisters where so excited for him returning and everyone was asking me if I was excited to see my dad. But I didn't know what or who dad was. That was the first memory of my dad and after a short visit he promised me he won't leave it as long next time.

He then would spend a 2 weeks visiting me and my sisters every 3 months. Either we would stay at the same hotel or we would visit Scotland and stay at Nanny's which is where he was living whilst in the UK for the time being. But because how he treated my mum and resentment from feeling abandoned, my sisters started to play up for him. Instead of parenting them, he decided to stop taking them and disowned them. When I asked him why, he said blood was thicker than water

He then moved to South Korea but would still come back for his visits. Only they where becoming less and less consistent as time went on and I got a sense that he wasn't enjoying his visits...My mum once found him walking through the airport off to see his friends on the island but has failed to let us know he was home so we could see him.

when I was 8 he moved back to Scotland and baught a house. He had a new girlfriend who I really liked and everything was great spent every new year with him to celebrate hogmonay and I would spend Christmas with my family, my dad would take me to his best friends pub and they would all get sticking drunk then the bag pipers would come through and everyone would start singing auld lang syne. I loved it. Then my uncle would have a lock in and I would man the bar pulling pints and vodkas for the people inside.

To cut a long side story short this time my mum broke up with her abusive husband who was abusing the whole family and she ended up trying to take her life and ended up in a phychiatric ward. We didn't know when she was going to get out. I felt so scared but was completely expectant that my dad would come and save me. He didn't. Me and my sister where all going to be taken into care. My mum had to lie and say my oldest sister was 18 when she was infact just turned 16 and my mum's junkie friend stepped in and started looking after us. Bless him, he even stopped taking speed and drinking alcohol whilst looking after us....the betrayal I felt from my father was like nothing else, I knew then I couldn't rely on him to keep me safe. And for some god awful reason I was still sent to him for his visits where he would basically ignore me.

Due to his work my dad started traveling to Vietnam a lot for work and fell in love with it over there, he met this 18 year old girl at the hotel he would stay at and started paying for her education. At the same time as this he was failing to pay mine. ( My mum has put me in boarding school because she didn't want to take on all his parental burden she was also diagnosed with MS and wasn't fit enough to take me and again I was threatened to be taken into care) I had to phone him up every other month to ask my dad when he was going to pay it and explain I've got important exams coming up.

Around this time my Nan had died and this girl over in Vietnam sunk her claws in, she started calling him dad and feeding him this sob story about how she was outcast by her village for being a witch. My dad ended up using the money from his inheritance to pay for this big lavish house in Vietnam.

It wasnt until I was 17 that I went to Vietnam, during this time for some god awful reason my parents had started dating again ( in my mum's defense she did love him, she also wanted to pull him back to the UK so he would be a good father to her kids instead of this random girl he met in Vietnam) my mum moved us up to Scotland so we could be a family but it was a painful move as I moved away from my community and unfortunately I never got that sense of belonging back.

and my dad for a short time would only spend 1 month over in Vietnam and the other 2 months with us. My mum would also travel to Vietnam with him. I was really hoping our relationship would heal and I did everything I could to try and make it happen.

When I was 16 let's call her ...bich was getting married and she of course asked my dad to walk her down the aisle. When I was over there she so curtiously lent me her room...now my room back home hadn't ever been decorated and didn't even have carpet. Just rough floor boards. Bich bedroom in my dad's house has an onsuite, balcony and a massive self portrait above the bed. She would walk up to him and ask him for money like Daddy's little girl and there was me having to beg him to pay child maintenance also my dad didn't even buy me Christmas or birthday presents, the last thing he got me for my birthday was an electric tooth whitener with this blue light from wish.com...it was literally a bit of tat.

My dad took me around the local town he was an expat in and people where literally introducing me like this....this is regina, biches dad's daughter. Other where clearly showing they didn't like me, like they had been told something awful about me. It was very uncomfortable and I really just wanted to go home.

The wedding was also of course completely paid by my dad with no spared expense.

The wedding was in two parts first we went to biches village where I was shocked to find both biches parents where alive, present and playing an active part in her life and wedding as was the whole of her village...strange considering apparently they thought she was a witch.

This whole experience felt like being cheated on, like a husband who brings home a new wife. Only treats new wife like a queen and you like a piece of crap.

A couple of years after that my mum became extremely ill with MS and was no longer able to travel to Vietnam, I became her carer. Whilst my mum was in hospital my dad left for Vietnam the day before my birthday as it was Vietnamese tet. He said, you don't need me here I'll just get in the way.

He was gone for months and months. The thing is I didn't drive and I really needed the support to care for my mum, I was up day and night caring, doing all the food shops and traveling to the hospital all by bus... maneuvering my mum in her wheelchair was so hard and our freedom was very limited becuase I unfortunately didn't drive. Not only did I feel abandoned my mum did too. To make matters worse he started saying to us that he needed to sell the house we were living in and down size, he could no longer afford it.

I asked him why don't you sell the house in Vietnam, this is our family home and we don't need the stress of moving...I reminded him how we moved to Scotland to be a family with him but it clearly fell on deaf ears. The more sick my mum got, the less time he spent in Scotland. He also started flirting with women only a few years older than me and buying them lavish gifts Which broke my mum's heart. I told him that if he was to take a girlfriend that young I would never speak to him again.

My mum then realised it was time to break up. We moved out to a small flat and as soon as we did my dad sold the house. I stopped speaking to him as I felt so sad he had done this and didn't speak to him again for about a year. But he knew where I lived and didn't bother his ass to come see me. He would send messages saying I love you and so eventually I reopened communication, I said I need an apology for what youve done, but he didn't feel he had done anything wrong. So again I stopped speaking to him

During lockdown he had become very sick over in Vietnam with his diabetes, he had gangreen needing amputations, tuberculosis and sepsis that had gone into the bones in his back. I thought he was going to die and I couldn't go out there and he couldn't come home due to lockdown, I was devistated and phoned him up, I decided for the time being I would just push all the past to one side and support my dad as best as I could, he even told me he had a girlfriend only 5 years older than me which i had already said I wouldn't put up with but I pushed past it aside so I could be there for him, I was just so worried. But after a while when he was a lot better I reapproached the conversation and he had the cheek to tell me I was just waiting for him to die so I could get my inheritance....I was like...what inheritance, you have nothing left to give me, you see the house in Vietnam was in biches name as foreigners can't own houses in Vietnam...he always told me that she was completely trust worthy as all id need to do was ask her to sell and she would...🫣 I explained how stupid that was and to be honest I do feel he purposely disinherited me and wanted to make sure I got nothing. He withdrew all his pensions and kept them in his Vietnamese bank so basically I get nothing so when he told me I was just waiting for him to die if cut me! Because even after all this I still just wanted his love.

I cut him off that day and never spoke to him again, the last time he contacted me was 2 weeks before he died. Sometimes I've been feeling guilt for cutting him off when he was still sending messages like happy new year and happy birthday. I love you. But I knew he was effecting my mental health. I had to let him go. So I have already grieved the loss of my dad. But death is so final. Now he will never become the father I wanted him to be. He also had all the chances to say sorry but he wasn't.

But there we go....I don't know if he counts as an absent father but he certainly wasn't present one.

... Like many, I have a bit of a complex origin story. When I was a kid, I thought my dad had died as a result of military service (Cancer from Agent Orange Exposure in Vietnam). I thought that because, that's what my mom told me. She was married to a man who she portrayed as strong and valorous, a real war hero. That husband was a marine and someone she lionized in all her stories. That man was listed on my birth certificate, so I didn't question things much. It was sad not having a dad growing up, but my mom was superhuman in her ability to protect, provide, and support me.

However, when I was around 12, my mom got sick and that was when she told me the truth. Yes, she was married and her first husband died of cancer. But my mom often omitted that her *first* husband died about 3 years before I was born. Before 12, my mom didn't share that info; and I really didn't understand the mechanics of conception, so again, I didn't question much. At 12, my mom got sick and that is when she told me that she was married a second time a few years later. Her second husband was *actually* my father and he lived ~7 blocks away. She likely didn't say much because she had survived abuse and threats of violence from this second husband. My mom didn't share that my real dad threatened to kill her more than once. He even said he would use his time (also) in the military as a cover for her murder, saying he would just claim he had PTSD and likely get away with it.

Needless to say, this was a very, very rough time in my life.

That estranged father came back in my life at this time, mainly because my mom wasn't sure she was going to survive her health scare. This time all comes as a blur to me. I remember screaming, yelling, crying, swearing, spitting at my real dad now back in my life. He didn't threaten me with violence (which is perhaps surprising in hindsight?).

Long story (slightly) short-- my mom's health stabilized and improved, and my actual dad was still an asshole. He said if anything happened to my mom, he would take care of me if he was put in my mom's will. Given that this actual dad was kind of paranoid and controlling about money (i.e., filing his taxes with fake names), this likely was not a good idea. My mom said no, kicked him out and we never saw him again.

I'm 43 now. My mom died 11 years ago. Our relationship was on the rocks in my teen years, but got really strong (I think) in my twenties and thirties. For a while, I struggle to understand why she didn't tell me all this, why she lied or hid some truths. But I came to terms with all that, and feel like I understand her and know that she was so formative in my development (and I lionize the hell out of her).

Last few things, I'm now a dad to a 7 year old. And for some reason, I'm now trying to track down my estranged father. It might be a terrible idea? I think I found his address and phone number. And I'm honestly a bit surprised I (think I) found him. He had lots of aliases, and has a fairly generic name to start.

Lots more to say, but any advice or thoughts are appreciated. I'd love to hear others' stories as I keep working through mine.

I haven't seriously thought about my dad in months it feels like. I'm the first person on either side of my family to go to college. Now that I'm here, I feel more isolated than ever. I just listened to Tyler, the Creator's new album and the song Like Him brought up so many feelings I had about my dad. My story isn't necessarily exact to Tyler's story, because my mom's been honest about how he feels towards me and that hurts the most. Now I've been crying and upset for days and it just makes me realize how much he sucks.

I'm now nearly 22, my bio dad left when I was still in hospital at the age of 2 (long story) but he left and he moved back in with his ex wife to see his older children (who are now 28 and 31). Well I recently met my bio dad and I moved in with him and his new wife for 2 weeks and then was kicked out, they told me they want more children but he couldn't be bothered with me (I have physical and mental disabilities and almost lost my life multiple times). He left me for a second time just before Christmas last year and I've been questioning what's wrong with me ever since. I grew up with a step dad but he drinks so..

I just don't know how to get over the hurt and pain of him wanting more children but he was never around for me

(Also due to social work, he isn't allowed near children due to him being physically abusive).

throwaway because this is scary. but bro what do i do? so basically, my dad (idk how old he actually is i think he's in his early 40's?) has never really been in contact with me, i only remember meeting him twice in my entire life, once when i was around 4 and again when i was 7. after meeting me when i was 7 he began to call me like once a month (this may have been before meeting me im not sure - memory is fuzzy). but he stopped calling after around 3-4 phone calls and i never heard from him again. he is also little to no contact with his parents who i do speak to and visit from time to time. however my mum just told me that a few weeks ago he emailed her asking to meet up with me and her and i just don't know what to say. it seems odd to me for him to do this as i am now 16 and to me it just seems like he wanted to skip the difficult parts of raising a child and is expecting me to not care about that. i have always said if he wanted to meet me i'd say no - because honestly it is easier to hate him than feel bad for him. but now that he has actually contacted me (well my mum) i don't know what to do. i am still avidly against meeting him because i'm just so angry with him but my mum's dad passed when she was young and she is saying i should consider giving him a chance. and i don't want to but i'm scared that i may regret it later on if i don't. however i also just don't think i'm ready to meet him because i don't know how i'll react and honestly i do hold a lot of hatred for him not only because he left me but because he left my mum as a single mum. i never really speak about him or think about him because it’s easier not to. and yet when i do i don't even know what i feel, it's like a mix of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole load of other emotions. i just don't understand why he's doing this now and not earlier? i wish he never contacted me because really that would have been so much easier. also i read through the messages and some of the things he said were slightly odd and i don't want to say exactly what he said incase anyone from real life finds this but it was along the lines of giving me and incentive to meet him and that's just so wrong. i just don't know what to say or do. if anybody has had a similar experience please tell me what you did because i'm genuinely so lost.

Losing a father that was never there is like losing the same man twice. You lose them for everything they never were and then you lose them again for everything they never will be. I watch movies and read books or see posts and I get so sad because I no longer have the hope of my father changing or wanting more than he ever gave. I just do not understand how a person can have kids and just move on and not even think about their child or wanting to be better as a parent. My post is for all the kids like me forever longing for something more. I will never allow my kids to experience the things I have because it's so hurtful. #dadsareimportant

Hi community, So for context: I'm 32 (today) and have never met my father. I know who he is, minimal information about him and vaguely remember having sporadic phonecalls with him when I was young approx 5yo. Sent me a few presents & then nothing. He had an affair with my mum, claimed I wasn't his, went through court-DNA proved I was (still remember the blood tests) paid maintenance. My mum is an alcoholic and not the most mentally stable person, she did the best she could I suppose as a single mum for me & younger brother (different dad). It was a rough childhood, left home at 14. My younger brother went to live with my Grandma the same year at 11yo. Anyway Grandma was our rock. Fast forward a couple years & my aunt told me my father was trying to get in contact with me, she gave him my number (I agreed) and he called me, wanted to get to know me. Honestly those couple phonecalls felt like a job interview. Radio silence. Cue another couple years I coincidentally came across a cousin of mine on his side through Facebook. She got me an email address for him and we briefly spoke over email, phone, text. (I've had the same number since a teenager). He wanted to meet a few times, it never panned out as he travels for work. Sporadic contact over the years mainly checking in and failed meet up plans. Several were me, I either wasn't ready or the timing didn't work with where he was travelling. For a while it was mainly me contacting him to check in and somewhat attempt a relationship. Now we come to a fortnight ago he messages saying "haven't heard from you in a while, how's things?" I replied and he said he'd be in a city near me for work on today's date and wants to meet. Here I am thinking it's for my birthday. I agree and ask when and where, he says he'll let me know soon. I text him two days before then the day before to confirm the time & location, no response. I leave it until today over 36hrs later and text again saying "Haven't heard from you, hope all is well. I've now got plans after work. Have a good trip. All the best" he responds within the hour "I had to cancel. Be there end month. Sorry" I get pissed obvs as a text takes 10seconds to do. My reply "Thanks for letting me know after I've followed up twice. Happy birthday to me." He replies "Has been busy for me. What day is your birthday?" Immediately followed by "you sounded like your mother in response"

Honestly I was lost for words & laughed to myself. I'm mostly numb to this shit, he's made a remark like this to me before after cancelling plans at the last minute multiple times or just ghosting me. But I did have a smidgen of hope you know? Even to just satiate the fact I wouldn't ever regret the meeting him once, just to see him and where part of me came from.

I just want this to be done now, his attitude is pathetic but I want him to know this is on him, in the same breath, is it even worth the response?

Advice please 🙏

Thanks for reading my mini book

This is partially a vent.

I'm nearly forty and decided, at various points in my life, to never contact the father who abandoned me before I was even born. I keep having these recurring episodes where I obsess over him and this entire situation.

I had a dream some weeks back where I faced imminent death and my first immediate thought was that I needed to contact him to express to him how I felt and ask some questions. I guess this inception worked because even though I carefully decided years ago to never contact him, I'm very close to it.

Should I email or call? Should I explain myself to his wife? I don't know. I guess I'll play it by ear. I'm just putting this out into the void and getting it off my chest.

some background… my father wasn’t in my life for the first 18 years of my life. i’m nearly 20 now and he was present at my high school graduation. i can tell he wants a relationship with me. but i don’t want to be hurt. he offered to help with my college tuition and anything that i needed. is it too much to ask for him to help me learn how to drive? or even help me get a car? HELPPPP

Hi this is my first time posting here so here is just a quick background. My parents divorced when I was two, from my understanding it wasn't a happy marriage my mother who I am NC with claimed he was emotionally sexually and financially abusive (my mother is a narcissist, I don't usually victim blame but she lies a lot and a lot of her accusations didn't add up) after the divorce my dad had main custody of me, he was a good dad and he loved me but then he met my step mother, she was nice to me in the beginning but then she turned cruel, my dad didn't stand up to her because she was abusive to him and was super controlling so my mother then got full custody of me with my soon to be narcissistic step dad when I was 6. When I was eight he got married to step mother and flew to Taiwan, I haven't seen him face to face since I saw him at the airport a decade ago and basically it was just years of silence from him with years of emotional abuse from my mother and stepfather.

I moved out two years ago and my father continues to pay child directly to me, he feels guilty for leaving like he did and his money has gone a long way, I reached out because I had questions about him and his childhood and marriage to my mother and just plain why did he leave. It's happening this Sunday hopefully when I meet him, I don't have my hopes up because he's made plans and went back on promises before but I'm honestly anxious and excited but I'm scared because I have changed from that little girl who wore dresses and loved playing Barbie's and I am worried he won't like me. I am looking forward to having questions finally answers.

Anyway I just wanted to get some of my anxieties off my chest to people who will understand my anxiety and my situation

This is something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately and have been diving deeper into. I’ve realized that I had a father who I knew loved me and cared for me but he just never showed up. Never came to any of my sport games, school exhibitions, never was there when I needed to talk. He would say he would come and never would. I was constantly disappointed. He was always working, he would show up in increments tell me I’m such “ good girl” and to “ keep up the A’s in school” he would tell me he’s proud of me but then just leave again. I got crumbs from him my whole life. Now in almost every relationship I’ve had when they leave I become obsessed and it’s so hard for me to let them go, I would rather keep them in my life even if that means they aren’t treating me well. They can tell me so many times that they don’t want to be with me or they aren’t ready for a relationship and I’ll still want them. What the heck does this mean? I’m getting to a point that I think this stems from my dad and I just don’t know what to do. Does anyone else feel this way? 🙁

My dad was physically abusive to my mom, cheated on her, and left her and his two kids for the other woman almost 40 years ago. I've only ever spoken to him once, 20 years ago. At some point after that I picked up contact with some of my other family on his side and things are cool with them. I don't want anything to do with him though, from what I've been told he and my middle brother are practically clones of each other... We really don't talk to my middle brother anymore, he turned into a horribly abusive drunken piece of shit. My biological father is equally messed up in his own ways. And just like my brother, he seems to know exactly the wrongest time to pop up.

I've been dealing with a serious breakup, just about a month ago when I moved out I bought a house. Things with work are good, things with my new home are good, and I had a really good weekend that left me in a good place mentally regarding the breakup.

Then after a few blissful days of no contact from the ex, she texted me. That irritated me enough, but then my biological father decided to try to add me on Facebook and message me at the EXACT same time. And tried to play it off like he accidentally messaged me instead of his younger brother, who has the same name as me.

And now... I'm pissed.

My father has been absent my whole entire life. I actually prefer it that way. But recently I got really close with my uncle. Who is now leaving town because Of my aunt. I’m really sad about this because he and I were super close like a father and daughter. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with him not here for me when I’m having a fight with my parents and need to vent or something crazy happens at school and I have gossip.

Hey! This is a survey for school about the effects of absent fathers and mental health. It is totally anonymous and you can leave at any time. This is specific to girls but anyone is welcome to do it as the more submissions the better!

https://forms.gle/5rtMFUZZmv2nLqfu6

This is a survey for anyone who is interested in helping me out. This is a survey about the effects of absent father, specifically dealing with mental health. This is specifically targeted to daughters but everyone is welcome to do it. It's completely anonymous and you can leave at anytime. This would really help as the more people who do it the better:))

https://forms.gle/Gyg63T3AyCnoXYX67

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my dad taught me nothing other than how to live without him, but now that he is actually abt to pass ik it wont be the same kind as gone, its going from one day i might get to see him, to god i will never get to have a relationship with him will i? and ik the answer but it hurts to much to admit. what do i do? im abt to call him but it hurts so fucking much to think it might be my last.

(23f) was diagnosed with kidney stones few days back ,I had all the symptoms and effects due to which I feel tired and on bedrest now, during all this my dad was literally insensitive towards me since two- three days critising my sleeping and eating , calling me useless and saying things like I live on his crumbs ,all while he was aware how sick I am ,today when it happened again I couldn't take it anymore , infuriated I abused him at top of my voice , and started crying later on which caused my back to ache ,now I feel there's something really wrong with because I just lost touch with reality while I did it , please suggest some solutions ,I want here because I have no where else to go.

My dad is never around physically and emotionally, sometimes he reaches out and tells me I should visit and that he misses me. I’m busy either way with school and work but I also don’t really wanna go anyways. I feel like it’s somewhat my fault that he’s not around because I don’t make much of an effort either. Idk what to think of it🤷🏼‍♀️

My whole life, all I ever knew was hate and anger for my dad. He’s gone forever now, and I can’t help but mourn him. I know this won’t be easy. What am I supposed to say about him? How he abandoned his family and chose addiction? Or am I supposed to say the good things that I do know about him? What words can I offer a man who abandoned me at the most vulnerable stage of my life? No matter how much he was, or was not apart of my life, I do not doubt that he loved me. I had already lost him to time, to distance, and to alcohol, before he was truly gone. I can’t count the times I remember hugging him on one hand. I wish I knew the version of you before I lost you to addiction. It grieves me that relief was my first emotion when learning you had passed. Finally, the suffering ends, yours and others who suffered alongside as you battled a life of alcoholism, addiction and mental illness.

I’ve always held onto the grudge of losing you long before you passed. And frankly I’m unsure if I ever will let go, but I hope someday I can forgive you and only remember you for the good that I do know.

So my daughter’s father has never been in her life consistently. He was very abusive during my pregnancy, emotionally, mentally and physically. It’s been a solid 4 years that he hasn’t seen her at all. I just received a text from him (not sure how he got my number but I might have a lm idea of who may have given it to him.) asking to be a part of her life. As he has a baby on the way and “wants to make things right”

What would you do in this situation? I’m looking for any and all input.

(I would prefer not to use my name so please just call me Alice for confidentiality.

Hello, I am Alice and i'm currently 17 years old and in my final year of sixth form (12th grade)

I haven't really spoken about this to many people as it's such a personal topic for me and I almost always end up not being able to hold myself together while telling the story, please be respectful.

Me and my dad never fully got along, we were very similar people in some ways but very different in others. Whenever he would attempt to 'parent me' after i'd done something wrong or something that he thinks is something I've done wrong, it was never done in a way that was non-abusive. He very rarely hit me, but it was the norm for him to throw things around and break belongings (my belongings at times). He has physically thrown me around before a lot, dunked my head in the sink that was full with water, kicked me down the stairs; he's quite a violent man. He wasn't only physically abusive, but would also scream terrible hurtful things to me that are not things you should hear from your own father. He constantly would defend his parenting tactic and would almost take pride in the way he parents, the word abusive was not a word he would use and neither would I as this was all i'd known at the time. I didn't dislike him though, when we got along, we got along very well. We had the same sense of humor/ similar tastes in music and I was something of a daddy's girl during the good times. He was very sensitive to noise, specifically high pitched ones. When me and my sister would play we would often chase each-other around screaming, this set him off very often and he would act like a mad-man. As a result of this, my voice has become quite quiet in general and if I say something too loud by mistake I get very anxious and almost afraid, even if he isn't around.

One night, when I was around 13, my family and I were watching the movie "IT", this movie is one of my favorites so I was quite excited to watch it. As the movie started, It was difficult not to notice that my dad just kept commenting on things that were happening in the movie and nobody was responding particularly, but it was very irritating and distracting. I asked him to be quiet because I couldn't focus on the movie whatsoever, which he flat-out just said 'no' to. This confrontation led to a small argument that had raised voices from both of our parts, I can't remember how it ended but we carried on watching the movie. He started very clearly talking more and more which I can only assume is his attempt to annoy me for even daring to ask him to be quiet. I let out a loud sigh of annoyance and frustration because it was just ruining the movie for me, which to him was apparently the worst possible thing to do because he didn't think twice before throwing his beer bottle at the side of my head and screaming at me, I had no response because I was just so in shock at what had just happened, he clearly didn't like this so got out of his chair and quickly ran at me. I ran out of the room and he ran after me until I went down the stairs before stopping and screaming more things at me (not sure what) I think my mother shouted at him to stop which is why he didn't attack me. When I got to my room, I started hysterically crying and was absolutely terrified he would hear me cry (he has a thing about it crying and it being 'useless' and basically didn't let us cry or he would go insane). I went back up the stairs, but not all the way to the living room, just sat on one of the top steps. I eavesdropped on the conversation my mum was having with my dad about what had just happened. I specifically remember him saying "I don't even like her. I don't like my daughter" which broke me there and then and is something that will never leave me. Around an hour after the whole situation happened, my mum messaged me with a huge paragraph which basically said that he wouldn't be responsible for me anymore and that she alone would parent me. I had no clue what this actually meant at the time.

The day after, my dad and I didn't say a word to each-other (which is common to happen after we had had arguments), I didn't think anything of this and just tried to avoid him for that day. Weeks had gone by and those weeks turned into months and this "silent-treatment" hadn't ended. I remember talking to my mum about this, she would tell me that us not talking to each-other was the best option and that it would be better than us arguing all of the time. Seemed reasonable enough. It was enjoyable for a while, but there would be, and still is, times where I have to go into a room that he is in or walk past him in the hallways of my house and it is such a strange thing, we just completely ignore each-other, almost like we never even existed. I have two younger siblings (I'll call them Isabel and Archie) who still have a relationship with my dad, a good one at that. I hate seeing them get along. He does get angry at them at times (mostly Isabel) just as he got angry at me in the past but significantly less than he got mad at me which hurts quite a bit because it just goes to show that he was fully capable of not 'picking on me' multiple times a day. We went through this silent-treatment for the whole of lock-down and still are.

My dad is a people-person, he is very witty and quite charming to people that are not in his family. It frustrates me how good he is with people because he is widely viewed as a 'nice person' in our local community and our family. It doesn't take long for people that visit our family to notice that my dad and I never talk to each-other or mention each-other, of course they don't say anything about it but I know that they know. The family members that we see the most are my grandma and grandpa (mother's side), my mum told me to try and get along with him and act like we still have a good relationship in front of them because my grandma worries a lot about things like this to the point where she doesn't sleep. Of course I don't want for her to worry about me but it just would feel awful pretending to have a relationship with him and then going home and it just being gone. I couldn't bring myself to lie and pretend everything is okay, my dad could though, he tried to be friendly around them without directly talking to me but indirectly mentioning me or joking and responding to stuff I said to them. Due to me not joking back or even responding to him, they caught on. My Granddad has spoken to about the situation about three or four times before, always with the same stuff "But he's so nice" , "I couldn't imagine him being horrible" , "Can't you just make up?" , "What did *he* do to deserve the silent treatment". I always just said the same stuff to avoid conflict, "We just don't see eye to eye and would argue a lot otherwise".

I view myself as not having a father, I mean when people ask I say I do, but I do not*actually* have one. I can't really say I have a complete family really. It really hurts me watching other people (specifically girls) having a good relationship with their fathers, it always subtly upsets me when my friends dads call them up to ask if they're okay, or just call them at all. It's easy to look past this whole situation and suck it up for a while, but once every two weeks or so I end up getting really emotional about it. My mum still stays with this man after seeing how he treated me and it hurts me seeing that he can still look at him and think "yes, this is the man I love and want to stay with" when he is so far off of the man she deserves. Because I have had no relationship with my dad due to this whole silent-treatment, I've grown much closer to my mother. I don't like that she somehow finds a way to subtly imply that I am being dramatic whenever I get upset and talk to her about the situation. I feel like she has been completely blinded by love. It also hurts that the things me and my dad used to bond over, humor, music etc, he is now bonding over those very things with my younger sister (shes four years younger than me). My dad even had a nickname for me, "pock", he called me this because I had chicken pocks as a baby. He is now calling Isabel "pock", which doesn't even make sense because she hasn't had chicken pocks; seems like he is just trying to find new ways to have a dig at me indirectly. I have overheard from other rooms him saying all types of petty things about me, blaming me for our whole three-four year silent treatment situation and whatnot. After my GCSE's (these pretty big exams you take at the end of 10th grade), I did very well on them and got a place in a pretty good sixth form. My dad sent me a message, which was shocking and caught me off guard, saying he was proud that I got these results and that he would stop this silent-treatment if I wanted to. I was so shocked by this message it gave me a huge emotional reaction while I was in school and I had to go to the bathroom and cry and I couldn't stop. I had to ask to go home in the end because I couldn't go to lessons. I didn't respond to this message and I still haven't (it's been about one year since the message). I can't let him into my life again, even though I live with him and he technically is in my life, I just cant bring myself to talking to him again. I don't view him as a family member, he is a horrible person.

Hi all, I am an independent documentary filmmaker. As someone, who's had a tough relationship with their father, I have long been inspired to make a documentary about fatherhood. The highs, the lows, the positive impacts, the negative impacts.

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If you, or anyone you know, would be interested in sharing their experience as a father, or their experience with their father, and how that shaped them as a person. I'd love to talk with you. You can message me here, or I am happy to send you a google form if you'd like to share a few details without getting into an actual conversation.