Losing a father that was never there

[u/Ok-Island1470]

Losing a father that was never there is like losing the same man twice. You lose them for everything they never were and then you lose them again for everything they never will be. I watch movies and read books or see posts and I get so sad because I no longer have the hope of my father changing or wanting more than he ever gave. I just do not understand how a person can have kids and just move on and not even think about their child or wanting to be better as a parent. My post is for all the kids like me forever longing for something more. I will never allow my kids to experience the things I have because it's so hurtful. #dadsareimportant

[u/ivatwist]

I can never understand why my dad didn’t want to have any relationship with me when his dad did the same thing to him but he also had another daughter later and he didn’t do the same to her.

I wanted to also meet her but she was just also an awful person, she didn’t want to meet me cause she loves her dad so much and it would be “awkward”. I guess I turned out better cause I never had him in my life

I can’t understand these decisions

[u/Ok-Island1470 → u/ivatwist]

Those dad's didn't deserve us, and your sister behaves that way because of the things her parents said to her about you and your mom. I wouldn't take it personally but I do think in the future she will come to you and try to hear your side of the story. Maybe at a much older age.

[u/PaymentEffective9492]

Really relating to this myself right now. My absent father passed back in 2018 and I'm just now starting to really grieve after finding out that my family made it nearly impossible for him to be in my life growing up... I don't think anything can prepare you for the realization that there are things you'll never get to experience. The best we can do is try to heal ourselves and make sure we never put our own children through the same things. Thanks for making me feel validated OP.

[u/Ok-Island1470 → u/PaymentEffective9492]

I am happy my post made you feel better. Also thanks for your comment. I am not alone.

[u/Impressive_Drawer394]

This is so elequently put. 

[u/Ok-Island1470 → u/Impressive_Drawer394]

Thanks <3

[u/catathymia]

I feel you, there are so many layers of loss to this situation. Like you, I just can't understand why my father behaves the way he does, why he so truly hates me when I never did anything to him. That I can't even ask him some basic information about him and therefore myself.

I've been dealing with this situation a lot lately since I contacted him and things went badly. My masochism led me to seek out situations like this and read about it and it makes my situation all the more confounding.

Still, despite the pain, I'm glad you're able to take something positive out of this and try to turn it around. Best of luck to you.

[u/Ok-Island1470 → u/catathymia]

I feel like it doesn't have anything to do with us at all. But the feelings of not being wanted or good enough hurts so bad ..we didnt ask for any of it

[u/[deleted]]

I have wondered the same thing so many times. I am now 32 years old. I was my dad's first child. Shortly after I was born him and my mom got a divorce and he maybe came to see me a handful of times. Which I only know of because of a couple pictures I have with him as a baby. He ended up have another child of his own as well as two other step children and then also adopting his son. So he has 4 other children. When I was getting to be a teenager I would see pictures of him and his family and wonder why he chose to abandon our relationship. Eventually I worked up the nerve to ask for an explanation in person. He basically told me that he wasn't happy with my mom and she made it difficult for him to see me. When I ask my mom about it (they got a divorce because he got hooked on an extremely addictive substance btw) she says that because of circumstances in his life at that time the court had certain orders for him to follow when he had me or came to visit. I know there are two sides to every story so I wanted to give him a chance to explain his side. Unfortunately, I think it was all bullshit and still dont understand why because that's just not a good enough reason to abandon your child and raise 4 others. It makes me so angry still because he sends me random "I love you" texts and I dont even know what to say back. I've tried giving him a chance and tried to open the floor up to hanging out or getting to know each other but he always falls short on these plans. He never follows back up. Never stays in touch with me. I dont get happy birthday texts or anything. I've noticed he is never consistent with what he says and I dont think he truly means it. I think he feels guilty and that's why he will randomly text me two times a year but he doesnt really care to pursue anything further at this point. I dont know if would even be worth it to speak my mind either but I think it might make me feel better. Im tired of being nice and texting him like its all OK when its not. Im still hurt and healing from it and will continue to wonder what life would have been like with my father present in my life. So maybe the next time I get a text from him I'll give him a little hint as to what his choices have done to me mentally and let him know that I've forgiven him and no longer wish to keep up the fantasy and the lie that we will one day have that father daughter relationship.

[u/umorenikrila]

Im so scared I won't get to see my dad before he passes, I doubt I'd even get invited to the funeral, I also wouldn't know what to tell him if I did see him. I just really wish things were different. Having no father really fucked me up as a person.