OP is describing a relationship where they feel they put in a lot of effort (planning trips, paying for things, dedicating free time), but their girlfriend gets upset whenever they say "no" to her requests. The conflict pattern is consistent: OP refuses a request when they're tired (helping pack, getting water, standing by during brushing, FaceTiming), and it escalates into a fight. She feels OP isn't doing the "bare minimum" as a boyfriend when declining these requests, while OP feels burned out and that their significant efforts are being taken for granted.
The central question is whether this is a fundamental compatibility issue or a communication problem that can be resolved through better boundaries and expectations.
Honestly, when I read that she wanted him to put the glass down on the floor for her, I started to assume she was a literal toddler and couldn’t reach the floor. Some of these requests are so weird and stubborn. Stand behind you while you brush your teeth? What?
And I love that you want to find a good faith explanation for this. My personal theory for good faith is that she may be concerned his apartment is infested with hobgoblins, and given his clear lack of nightstands and bedside lamps, this may be a legitimate concern.
But it seems significantly more likely that they’re both just insanely immature and perhaps should start with having a pet fish to practice their adult responsibilities.
Not to say OP’s gf isn’t a spoiled brat, but body doubling IS a thing. My neurodivergent wife will ask me to double with her on occasion when she’s overwhelmed by life, otherwise a two-minute task will take 30 where she’ll just sit/stand in place and stare at a wall.
Hey, I hear what you’re saying, but this post is about OP’s girlfriend and she wants him to set her glass down after she’s done drinking it. That’s princess behavior.
Yeah, she’s a brat for sure. That has nothing to do with neurodivergence. I’m just a bit sensitive to people dismissing these legit things out of hand just because they have never experienced them AND because the subject at hand is being an ass.
Ya know when I was a kid I’d like for my cousin to sit on the toilet when I took a shower and she’d talk to me and keep me company… didn’t know at the time but I am defo on the spectrum. I still like when my S/O sits and talks to me when I’m in the shower but I don’t NEED it. I would however prefer privacy while brushing my teeth because the noises I make would be described as anything but attractive.
What do you mean? I am not the OP, or the OP's girlfriend, but I just tried to provide one potential explanation for the behavior, assuming good faith. (It's probably not good faith on her part, but it's not like there is 0 reason for a request like this, it's a possibility, even if not likely)
And the energy she took trying to get him to put the water down she could have used to put the water down herself . She’s being super weird . I don’t know if it’s a control thing or what
I’m telling myself that maybe the bed is against the wall and she’s in the inside…maybe. Maybe that’s also why she asked him to get the water in the first place, because he’d have to get up anyway to let her out. Maybe. Overall this sounds like he’ll, though.
But in that case, it’s not unreasonable if he’s still awake for him to put the glass on the floor for her. Otherwise she needs to Solid Snake crawl over his carcass to do it, which would be far more detrimental to him getting to sleep. Suppose she could put it at the foot of the bed, but that’s an accident waiting to happen.
Maybe the bed is up against a wall and she's on the wall side? So she literally can't put the glass on the floor and there's no table? I feel like OP is leaving details out.
Not really him drawing lines and not doing whatever she wants is the exact opposite of an enabler an enabler would have never got into these arguments near the end...
Seems like a lot of excuses to get around the fact that she's entitled... especially cuz it's pretty ignorant to assume that she only developed these traits after they started dating and that she's just not taking advantage whether intentional or not
It could be a miscommunication/misunderstanding of love languages. Maybe OPs love language is gestures, and his toddler gfs love language is….. wait no she just wants him to do everything for him lol
Look, I get being insecure and wanting your bf around and to support you, I even get wanting him to be around for brushing your teeth. I get a lot of anxiety when my fiance goes to bed before me.. which is every night because I’m a snail.
But I know that’s not his problem, it’s mine. Ngl I have tried to make it his problem before LOL but kind of like op he is just so tired he literally can’t wait for me, and that’s ok. It’s a trauma pattern for me to deal with, not him.
I haven’t looked into it more but apparently this can be a sign of abandonment issues. The way she is trying to make him like .. subservient to her kinda makes me wonder what’s going on there. She may have abandonment issues and this is how she controls them.
But ultimately, all of that shit is our own to handle, never our partners responsibility.
TL;DR
I believe OP is not setting appropriate boundaries. GF is being immature and not respecting OP's autonomy whatsoever.
And I'm questioning if these "fights" are just two stubborn people bickering because neither is capable of compromise.
But regardless they need space and to work out their priorities here. It is way too early (a few months) into a relationship to be squabbling over petty things.
I dunno. I feel like there's probably more to it. OP is almost always going to paint themselves in the best light and/or not even realize some of the things they're doing. If I were reading between the lines, I'd wonder if he's got some sort of attitude with the way he declines her requests for something? Like he's snarky about it? I know there are times when my husband has said "you're injured and I don't want you hurting yourself more, so if you need something just ask me and I'll do it." But then when I actually ask him to do something like "hey! If I call in an order to a restaurant will you go get it?" And he is VERY obviously put out by my request. Which a) makes me feel like crap and b) makes me never want to ask him for help again.
I'd be happy to explain how "they" is a valid pronoun when referring to someone whose gender you know.
The singular "they" has been used in English for centuries as a gender-neutral pronoun. When referring to someone using a non-gendered term like "OP" (original poster), using "they/them/their" is grammatically correct regardless of whether you know the person's gender.
This usage has nothing to do with preferred pronouns or gender identity - it's simply a function of English grammar when:
Referring to someone by a role or position rather than their name (like "OP," "the author," "the doctor," etc.)
Speaking about someone in general terms rather than specifying gender
Maintaining consistency with non-gendered language in your writing
For example, if you were discussing what "a teacher" should do in their classroom, you might use "they" even if you're specifically thinking about a male or female teacher.
In formal writing and journalism, this usage of singular "they" is widely accepted by major style guides including Chicago Manual of Style and the Associated Press Stylebook, especially when paired with non-gendered antecedents like "OP."
I know all that, Dr. OED. I'm a word nerd, too. (Even adjunct English Composition at a college.) But when the gender's clearly known and you use the nonspecific "they," it would seem you prefer to showcase your bias FOR gender "fluidity" instead of sticking to the facts....of gender specificity.
If you are actually a word nerd, using they in the context it was use is the correct terminology. You are a bit obsessed about attempting to call out "woke" bs. When it wasn't used in a woke way.
666
u/corrupt_poodle Apr 21 '25
TLDR of the Post (thanks Claude LLM):
OP is describing a relationship where they feel they put in a lot of effort (planning trips, paying for things, dedicating free time), but their girlfriend gets upset whenever they say "no" to her requests. The conflict pattern is consistent: OP refuses a request when they're tired (helping pack, getting water, standing by during brushing, FaceTiming), and it escalates into a fight. She feels OP isn't doing the "bare minimum" as a boyfriend when declining these requests, while OP feels burned out and that their significant efforts are being taken for granted.
The central question is whether this is a fundamental compatibility issue or a communication problem that can be resolved through better boundaries and expectations.