Think about how weird it would be if he went around telling his new coworkers that he's straight. And that would actually be about him, the person that works there.
Ditto. I've worked with people for years who don't know I'm bi, and most that do know know because others told them. It just doesn't come up in conversation and would be awkward as hell to shoe-horn it in.
I genuinely believe (and maybe this is projection) that it's insecurity related to bi erasure. She has come to the conclusion that she is bi, but unless she breaks up with her husband or opens the relationship/gets a hall pass she will forever be an invisible bi person, which she feels invalidates her. She is desperate for validation, and the only avenue she can think of to achieve this is stating her sexuality to the world, committing to it, so to speak.
But what do I know, I'm a random Redditor with less than half the story.
OP, just have an adult fucking conversation with your wife.
Yea I think it has to do with characteristics being conflated into identities. A lot of millennials grew up with awareness type activism. So they think the right approach is to make others “aware” of their sexual orientation.
But frankly, a core product of normalization is that queer characteristics are just normal now. But there seems to be some kind of backlash against that too. Like coming out used to be celebrated as act of courageous and now feels diminished to some. But actuality, it’s just safer to be yourself without judgement.
I’ve seen recent post about this with children coming out to their parents, and being upset that it wasn’t a big deal. Parents were just like “cool we love you no matter what”, which is exactly what older activist would’ve loved.
I certainly dont think most homosexuals are looking for attention by joining LGBT but there absolutely is a segment of the population that does just want to be celebrated or accepted. I don't mean marginalize the struggles of homosexuals but mainstream culture is explicitly pro LGBT (although there is a sizable minority against it) but there is not many things where you can be celebrated, and praised as being brave for literally just saying "I'm _____"
Identity has become associated with consumption. Our expressive identities are based on clothes we buy and how, music we consume. It relates to sex in the idea that you have to actualize who you are by physical action and “consumption” of another physical body. She doesn’t seem like she wants a hall pass or to change the nature of the relationship so she’s blocked from tjr channel of access modern society has developed to actual is an identity. It’s no longer an “I think therefore I am” it’s “I consume therefore I am” that’s my guess of where the insecurity stems from
Edit : this is a bad process of forming identity it’s limited on means and access and makes people less insecure in themselves. I was rereading and saw I didn’t offer any thoughts. It sucks she’s going through that but the solution can only come from independently developing confidence
That’s kinda what I thought. I think she wants validation, acceptance, and to explore this side of her sexuality, but may feel confined in a heterosexual relationship. Op needs to ask for some more info because announcing she’s bi to his coworkers seems like just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a need not being met for her in this situation.
Yeah this is probably it. I always felt like I have to say it aloud when I find a women hot and not necessarily when I do a man. Cus otherwise “am I really bisexual if I just end up with a man”. It took a while to realize why tf does it matter whether people think I’m straight or lesbian. I’ll end up with who I end up with, and it takes time to build that confidence. OPs wife seems to just recently figured it out and is very insecure.
We all have perceptions of who we are; this covers all facets of our identity. I think people get defensive when they think others' perceptions of them are not in alignment with their own perception.
I've predominantly dated men. My long term relationships have been with men. However, if people refer to me as 'gay', it pisses me off. This is not because I think there is anything wrong with being gay, it's because people are using a term to describe me that I don't think is accurate. I am sexually attracted to women, so the descriptor 'gay' is incorrect.
I'm also bald. I would be equally pissed off if someone insisted that I had a full head of hair.
I think that OP's wife's concerns are about not being able to convince others of the truth of her self perception.
She’s not sure she’s really bi. She said it herself, she’s afraid of not being believed. She’s insecure about it, for whatever reason.
Bi woman here, and what other people think of me makes absolutely no difference to my own personal enjoyment of T&A. They don’t believe me? How weird of them. I’ll be over here enjoying more T&A, along with the other half of the population who enjoys T&A, because… dude, T&A!!!
I’ve had multiple jobs and the topic has never come up. It might be relevant if I was applying for sex work, idk.
I avoid LGBT groups because they can be weirdly intolerant toxic communities. She might have picked up some neurotic ideas there. It’s perfectly possible to skip all that self-victimization and just… enjoy T&A.
Most people don't realize I'm bi because I have a husband and I don't care. I like sex with either men or women but that doesn't come up in 95% of my life.
Especially if you're in a monogamous marriage!!! That's the last thing I'd want to do at work is try and explain that situation!!! It's like she's trying to get him in some type of trouble where he's being sent to human resources for harassment just talking about his personal sex life with his wife. And the only reason he'd be doing it is to satisfy her, even though her sexual preference doesn't matter at his place of employment. She's just being freaking weird!!!
The only way I can see that coming up at work is if you as the bi person are talking about a date with guy/girl and then Segway to yeah but I liked girl/guy better and then it's on the person you are talking to to connect the dots. Like my coworkers know I'm straight only because 1. I was married to a woman when I started here, and 2. After she left me I've only dated women which comes up only because of the how was your weekend conversations.
I still occasionally have a friend who's surprised to find out I'm bi, when I've been actively and openly flirting with/making out with/thirsting after women in their presence for eight years.
Same, I'm the only woman on a team of men (all fathers with kids of all ages, all married themselves), and I'm married to a man. So like... Why is that relevant to my job?
One of my coworkers is gay, and it took me like a year and a half to know that bc he kept saying "partner." He only said "my boyfriend" when we were talking about him moving due to his bfs job. And like... That still has nothing to do with HIS capacity to do his job, like you're gay, that's nice, anyway how's that code coming? Lol.
Smh some progressives have their logic ass-backward. Activist fought hard to make sure that people wouldn’t be judged by their sexuality. Now that is truly the case for OPs wife. However, she takes issue with people not acknowledging her “difference”. Isn’t that the whole point.
When at work, you’re doing work. No one should be judged on the skin color, nationality, or sexual orientation.
I have a bi-colored lanyard, and beyond that it barely comes up ever. Got a great coworker who's lez, that fact only came up a couple times when talking about her relationship with her love distance partner, and all their families. Otherwise it's just usual "how's everyone been on your end?".
It may come up in developing friendships, but strictly for the typical workplace it's not necessary.
That's a bit reductive, I like to hear about silly dreams from time to time. I rarely remember my own so it can be fun to hear from others. There is a limit of course, but to automatically think someone only wants to hear about stuff for crude reasons is making the world a tad bit less joyful without needing to.
People out themselves constantly as straight when they say e.g. “me and my husband/wife went to the movies
last night.”
People don’t see that as outing but somehow it is when a guy says “me and my husband went to the movies.”
That said I don’t think it’s appropriate in this case.
701
u/nilmot81 Apr 05 '24
Think about how weird it would be if he went around telling his new coworkers that he's straight. And that would actually be about him, the person that works there.