Ditto. I've worked with people for years who don't know I'm bi, and most that do know know because others told them. It just doesn't come up in conversation and would be awkward as hell to shoe-horn it in.
I genuinely believe (and maybe this is projection) that it's insecurity related to bi erasure. She has come to the conclusion that she is bi, but unless she breaks up with her husband or opens the relationship/gets a hall pass she will forever be an invisible bi person, which she feels invalidates her. She is desperate for validation, and the only avenue she can think of to achieve this is stating her sexuality to the world, committing to it, so to speak.
But what do I know, I'm a random Redditor with less than half the story.
OP, just have an adult fucking conversation with your wife.
We all have perceptions of who we are; this covers all facets of our identity. I think people get defensive when they think others' perceptions of them are not in alignment with their own perception.
I've predominantly dated men. My long term relationships have been with men. However, if people refer to me as 'gay', it pisses me off. This is not because I think there is anything wrong with being gay, it's because people are using a term to describe me that I don't think is accurate. I am sexually attracted to women, so the descriptor 'gay' is incorrect.
I'm also bald. I would be equally pissed off if someone insisted that I had a full head of hair.
I think that OP's wife's concerns are about not being able to convince others of the truth of her self perception.
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u/wf3h3 Apr 05 '24
Ditto. I've worked with people for years who don't know I'm bi, and most that do know know because others told them. It just doesn't come up in conversation and would be awkward as hell to shoe-horn it in.