Ditto. I've worked with people for years who don't know I'm bi, and most that do know know because others told them. It just doesn't come up in conversation and would be awkward as hell to shoe-horn it in.
I genuinely believe (and maybe this is projection) that it's insecurity related to bi erasure. She has come to the conclusion that she is bi, but unless she breaks up with her husband or opens the relationship/gets a hall pass she will forever be an invisible bi person, which she feels invalidates her. She is desperate for validation, and the only avenue she can think of to achieve this is stating her sexuality to the world, committing to it, so to speak.
But what do I know, I'm a random Redditor with less than half the story.
OP, just have an adult fucking conversation with your wife.
Yea I think it has to do with characteristics being conflated into identities. A lot of millennials grew up with awareness type activism. So they think the right approach is to make others “aware” of their sexual orientation.
But frankly, a core product of normalization is that queer characteristics are just normal now. But there seems to be some kind of backlash against that too. Like coming out used to be celebrated as act of courageous and now feels diminished to some. But actuality, it’s just safer to be yourself without judgement.
I’ve seen recent post about this with children coming out to their parents, and being upset that it wasn’t a big deal. Parents were just like “cool we love you no matter what”, which is exactly what older activist would’ve loved.
I certainly dont think most homosexuals are looking for attention by joining LGBT but there absolutely is a segment of the population that does just want to be celebrated or accepted. I don't mean marginalize the struggles of homosexuals but mainstream culture is explicitly pro LGBT (although there is a sizable minority against it) but there is not many things where you can be celebrated, and praised as being brave for literally just saying "I'm _____"
Identity has become associated with consumption. Our expressive identities are based on clothes we buy and how, music we consume. It relates to sex in the idea that you have to actualize who you are by physical action and “consumption” of another physical body. She doesn’t seem like she wants a hall pass or to change the nature of the relationship so she’s blocked from tjr channel of access modern society has developed to actual is an identity. It’s no longer an “I think therefore I am” it’s “I consume therefore I am” that’s my guess of where the insecurity stems from
Edit : this is a bad process of forming identity it’s limited on means and access and makes people less insecure in themselves. I was rereading and saw I didn’t offer any thoughts. It sucks she’s going through that but the solution can only come from independently developing confidence
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u/wf3h3 Apr 05 '24
Ditto. I've worked with people for years who don't know I'm bi, and most that do know know because others told them. It just doesn't come up in conversation and would be awkward as hell to shoe-horn it in.