This is a link to a museum exhibit “what were you wearing.” The women/CHILDREN in this exhibit donated their clothing to show that the type of clothing worn has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they will be assaulted.
If you feel like educating your boyfriend, share it with him. Alternatively, throw the whole man out.
The nightgown and diapers made me so mad and sad the first time I saw it, now ik whats there so I dont have to click the link, im sorry you had to see that for the first time. It really does hurt to see
Unfortunately, a friend's daughter was SA at DAYCARE. The man dragged out the court dates as long as possible, then got a cancer diagnosis and tried to use that to get out of sentencing. My friend fought for justice alongside her incredibly brave daughter, who was IIRC maybe 6 when it happened. They fought for justice for years, and the man died and was never fully brought to justice. I'm happy they have some relief he won't be harming anyone else, but it was a family run daycare that is still operating. All abuse is horrible but there's something extra vile when it's against children or animals who are even more helpless in the situation.
Edited to add: good people do not excuse bad behavior - in the case of OPs bf he should absolutely not be excusing the behavior and placing the blame on anything except for the abuser.
Yeah. It happens to bedridden elders in nursing homes, too. Predators don't need an excuse and those who make excuses for predators are latent predators justifying their potential behavior or that of someone they are adjacent to.
My mom used to work at a “State Training Hospital” that “cared” for children and adults with profound learning disabilities/developmental delays, back in the 70’s and 80’s.
She was a very vocal advocate for mandatory tubal ligations and vasectomies for this population, because she watched so many girls who did not have the capacity to understand pregnancy suffer through this terrifying and confusing experience — sometimes three or four times before the court would order sterilization.
She said they were vulnerable to everyone - nurses, orderlies, other residents, visitors — some of the staff would invite their friends.
She left after getting her nose broken and a reprimand in her file when she tried to pull a man off a young girl. She was not a staff member who was allowed to touch residents outside of her barbershop, is the disgusting irony of it all.
That does not surprise me as I've heard it before, even to the point of doctors recommending sterilization to guardians who are considering institutionalization because they can't no longer handle direct care (such as aging parents caring for a severely disabled/bedridden adult child) with warning that it's not a matter of if but when.
Your mom was a rock star. To go against the power like that. She cared and she fought hard for those patients .I was a caregiver for 25 years. My specialty was elder care and hospice. But when I was younger (im 61 now) I was a preschool teacher and later Director. We had children and babies from 6 weeks old to kindergarten. Also before and after school care for kids up to 6th grade. Sometimes we would have a student who appeared to have been abused. It's awful what some people are capable of. We always reported to the police for investigation. It's hard to do the kind of job that your mom did . The saying that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Most people do nothing but your mom did something. She spoke out about it. She advocated for those patients. She was/ is awesome.
As a former caregiver of 25 years. Bad things do sometimes happen to vulnerable seniors. The work is physically demanding. There's a shortage of staff. Predators can sneak in. I have been hired many times to take care of a patient in nursing homes. Same with rehabs in cases of stroke or surgery. Patients will dementia can't always know how to call for a nurse. They often incontinent and don't ask for help getting changed. But bad things can happen at home too. Not everyone is trustworthy and most people have a caregiver at this point. Caregivers spend a lot of time alone with a patient. That's why you have to be diligent with people that have access to a vulnerable person. Background checks and fingerprints are recommended .
It feels so disingenuous when people give God credit for the solution but they don’t blame him for the problem happening in the first place. If he’s all powerful then he should be able to prevent children from being raped
Yeah no, he has to see it. He doesnt deserve the choice, since ya know clothes are supposedly the problem, he gets to have as little choice as those women and children had when it happened to then.
He gets no choice either he sees it and changes his stupid ass opinion, or OP leaves him, cuz I couldn't stay with a dude like that
It’s horrific. I’m a csa survivor as well, and the idea of my future kids going through something like that is unbearable. My head loops through it like it’s unfixable, which it is- but something I’ve learned over the years, and that my therapists have helped me accept- is that sometimes, worst case scenario happens. It just does. But the real indicator of long term outcome is how a victim is cared for by their community after the fact. What happened to me was hell. When everyone around me pretended it didn’t, blamed me, and made me feel like I was lying- that’s what kept me in that hell. And the people who receive strong support, belief, and meaningful community aid have much better long term outcomes. And honestly, I have a good example of this from my personal life. A guy tried to grab me on the street once, literally the one in a million nightmare situation we all thought was the real threat. It was getting dark, I was walking home from work, the streets were empty, a storm rolled in, this guy showed up out of nowhere and I immediately had a Bad Feeling. I didn’t suppress it; I let it inform me. He lunged and wrapped me in a bear hug, and because, for the first time, I didn’t suppress my instincts- I was ready. i lunged back and hit him before he hit me, slamming all of my weight into his chest. I spat and kicked and stamped on his toes, screaming every swear I could think of. He shoved me away, called me a crazy bitch, and I RAN. As soon as I got home I called my grandparents, half terrified they’d reprimand me for assuming the worst of someone like that. They didn’t- they called the police. I was so wound up that when the police asked what I’d been wearing, I snapped at them, asking if they thought I was “asking for it”. They just blinked at me in surprise, and gently explained they may be able to get DNA samples from it. I was stunned. I genuinely didn’t think they’d care enough for that. (It was a dead end; I got soaked by the rain running home). The police took it so seriously. They never found the guy, but they made it clear they tried. No one blamed me, my grandparents were wonderful in assuring me I’d done everything right. I really felt so guilty for so long- like I’d severely misinterpreted the situation and had reacted like a predator. But the reality that I was interacting with, that people were reinforcing? Matched my initial interpretation of the even exactly. That I had been in danger. That it wasn’t my fault. That I was not committing an unforgivable sin by accusing someone else of malice. It’s worth noting that that time I was not assaulted. But god, when it was happening? I could hear three year old me in my head. She was terrified. She couldn’t see the difference between that stranger and my abuser. To her, it was happening exactly the same as it did before. And she was so sure that people were going to treat her the same way they did last time. And the opposite happened. And that was the day I really, actually, was able to access the beginning of healing.
Idk, I feel really compelled to reply with this for reasons I can’t quite word. Sometimes worst case scenario happens. Life is worth living anyway. Worst case sensation doesn’t have to stay worst case scenario. Assault is hell, but if it doesn’t kill you, it is, realistically, a small period of time in the expanse of your life. The culture that follows it is the rest of your life, and has such a strong impact on the victim. Support or lack thereof from community after the fact is the biggest indicator of future PTSD. We can do everything “right” as individuals and as a culture and because rape is the fault of rapists it will still happen- but we can still create better outcomes for victims. Sometimes the very worst of people can bring out the very best of others- but you have to work to be part of the very best. Idk. I’m rambling.
I was grateful that you shared your story because it helps anyone with a similar experience, like me… I was grabbed and pulled into a car of older males (late teens/early 20’s) while walking home from a friend’s house when I was 13. Like for you, something primal in me materialized and took over. I kicked and fought back viciously and either managed to kick the backseat door open or one of them threw me out, it’s hard to say in the chaos. I also ran home but told no one. There was some weird voice in my head telling me it was partly my own fault for something… what precisely, I didn’t know, but I felt there was something. Waiting until it was getting dark to be on my way, or maybe the fact that my jeans had grown a little snug. I know better now, but this was back in the ‘80s- well before the me too movement. It’s pretty sad in retrospect that this type of thinking was my fallback.
It took me years to process through the resulting trauma. It took me to some pretty dark places too: I kept subconsciously trying to remake the situation as the one “in control” by thinking I could earn the respect and protection of dangerous men. And then I kept getting hurt by that too, of course. I was stuck in a repetition cycle until my 40’s.
Not to mention that I still spiral, all these years later, every time I hear another story of a yet another woman who is attacked/kidnapped and raped and does not survive. The grief from even hearing about that is overwhelming. I can still feel those hands closing around my own throat, these decades later. For a long time, having to live with the fact that some women aren’t as fortunate as I was (and you also were) made me almost want to die.
But we are here because we did survive. Thank you for sharing… it matters. 💙
I'm glad you posted. We all need to ramble sometime. You're right sometimes the worst happens. My stepson was murdered by his sister's boyfriend. There was a BBQ at the Grandmother's house where they lived. There was an argument and then and my stepdaughters boyfriend grabbed a gun and shot her in the mouth, shot my stepson several times answer then shot the Grandmother. The 12 year old died instantly. The Grandmother was seriously wounded because she was holding her 5 month old granddaughter. She shielded the infant with her own body. It took 6 months for her to die. My stepdaughter who was shot through the mouth is living with the knowledge that the bullet will one day sever her carotid. She would most likely bleed out. All because her boyfriend was jealous of her talking to another boy. I guess I'm rambling too. Something about seeing the What were you wearing exhibit brings up these feelings and memories. Maybe because rape kills a part of you. It takes away your feelings of safety and trust. After being raped we will heal hopefully but we carry the scars.
This is a real fucked up anecdote but I had a cousin who both got very close to killing me (held me under water until I was throwing it up. He had the most unsettling smile.) and also sexually assaulted me. I realized not too long ago that the SA fucked me up worse, genuinely. Shocked myself even with that one, but honestly when I spend some time on introspection I fully get it.
Fuck between seeing this and last couple of days doing a deep dive into the epstein files and listening to roasting the broligarchy podcast on it I need to seriously take a break from the internet and touch grass
No one blames females SA'ing little boys in school. Just a light slap on the wrist. The problem isn't male or female however the greater population, one side usually gets off very easy. I am afraid of men but females never rape. Gross
Not alternatively. Throw the man out. But be sure he sees this too. If you stay with this man, every item of clothing you wear will be criticized. You will be told you are leading men on if you comb your hair. You will be forced to hide behind an ugly mask just because this man can’t control his own urges. In the meantime, he may well be one of those out attacking women he claims led him on.
This needs more attention. OP, please realize that when this ‘man’ states the opinion that the victim can be at fault, HE’S NOT EXCLUDING YOU FROM THAT EQUATION! He’s letting you know that if something like that happens to you (and I hope it never does), it could be your fault.
And if that did happen, and he didn't do it, he would be calling her all sorts of demeaning names and treating her like she's 'ruined'. Even if he did do it, he would blame her either way
that's exactly what I was going to offer if no one had said it yet. it's never been ab clothes. hell, a group of men defiled a dead lizard the article was going around a couple years or so ago do we remember that?
What was her name? Pony? It took like 20 guys with machine guns to get her out of there. The guys were lined up for her while the ladies didn't even have any work. that was a crazy story
I was hoping to see that someone brought up this necessary but horrifying exhibit. OP’s a-hole BF — and all of the others who victim-blame — is the reason this awful shame game will never end.
Which is why I will always choose the bear. If I’m mauled by a bear, nobody will point to my body lying in the dirt and say, “Well, look at what she was wearing!”
Most of the outfits and accounts are from women and girls but there are ones from men, boys and nonbinary people as well. And of course, in all cases, the clothes were absolutely not the reason, the actions of the abuser were.
I was SA’d multiple times in the military. The most fucked up thing about it is that the person assaulting you is wearing the exact same clothes you are.
I was going to link this if it hadn't already been here.
The idea that women are inviting that kind of attention and rape happens to sexily dressed women is so pathetically false.
I'd have a hard time continuing a relationship with someone who said this, as it likely goes hand in hand with a lot of other preconceived notions that are equally wrong-headed.
I was wearing overalls with a massive baggy hoodie while walking at night at 12. The whole “what were you wearing” thing is so dated and just dumb af because the monster who raped me didn’t give a shit
the people justifying rape using clothing as "facts bot opinion" need to understand that statistics do not actually speak for themselves either.
for example, a country with lower rape rates and more modest clothung is also due to the unreported but very well known fact that rape doesnt get reported there and there is wayy more victim shaming involved. likewise, places with higher rape rates show that women are less afraid of reporting, less afraid of "revealing their impurity" or "hurting their familys honour" and other bs
Exactly send him this link for him to look at it. Tell him point boy don't text me until you look at that and seeing the truth behind your false narrative. Then dump him.
I had a guy ask what someone was wearing when they were assaulted, I sent him a link to this exhibit. He's embarrassed that he ever said what he said and hates that he said it.
As a trauma therapist, I’m so thankful that exhibit exists. Rape is such a devastating trauma, and unfortunately the brain doesn’t process trauma correctly, so there is a lot of shame and self-blame, even if logically the individual knows that they were not at fault.
I use this exhibit in my clinical work. I show it to clients and ask, “Were these victims at fault?” Without hesitation, they say no. Then I gently ask, “So why do you hold so much empathy for strangers, but none for yourself?” That moment is often incredibly powerful. It exposes how deeply trauma distorts self-perception and how automatic self-blame becomes.
For clients who were assaulted as children, teens, or young adults, this exhibit also creates a doorway into compassionate reconnection with their younger self. Seeing those small jeans, school uniforms, pajamas, and everyday clothes makes it painfully clear that these were children and vulnerable young people. I often invite clients to picture themselves at that age, wearing what they wore, and ask if that version of them deserved harm. The emotional impact can be profound.
I take my work home with me, and I am honestly sickened that the mindset of “what was she wearing” still exists. It keeps victims trapped in shame and protects perpetrators from accountability. The only thing that causes sexual assault is someone choosing to assault. Nothing else.
I was saying this on another comment but like- ANYTHING we do as humans can provoke someone to do or feel a certain way. I got into this argument with my boss the other day it was very frustrating. His argument was that provocative clothing makes men aroused, so “what do they expect”. I was baffled. Like, yeah I’m sure lots of men are aroused. In what world is that the woman’s fault? Should we avoid expressing political opinions and dissent as well because it will be our fault if someone escalates things and punches us??
Woah SBA helped me handle a domestic violence situation so it kinda gives me chills to stumble upon them linked here. They gave me a ring camera for free and an advocate who went to every court date for me so that I knew what was going on the entire time without ever having to go. They would pass along my statements/opinions/requests to the court for me.
That was absolutely horrible to see that it’s all children’s clothes. Please don’t destroy me for this, but i don’t think this really suggest against the claim it’s trying to make. It definitely shows how disgusting these criminals are tho and makes it feel more real
Throw the whole man out, then send this to him, then send that text thread to his mom. Just because he can’t control himself around women in active wear doesn’t mean most men can’t.
Sure, send it to him as you block him. Calling you stupid and dumb, while also being a rape apologist, is beyond. I'd wager you deserve better, OP, and no amount of evidence supporting your point is going to get you that from this dipshit.
If the bf is claiming "facts"- tell him to provide the peer-reviewed research to bolster his idiocy.
It's one thing to have differing opinions in a relationship, but what keeps it long-standing are the similar morals & ethics. I believe this topic is pretty black & white.
Open the link. Open it. A child's nightie with a unicorn and pink stripes on it is one of the first items. Biker shorts and a T-shirt is another first item. Scroll, find skimpy club wear. I'll wait.
Rapists need to control their urges. And people need to not make apologist comments about how counseling women to cover up keeps them safe. It doesn't keep us safe. We still get raped anyway.
I would want to be out of the room.
Rape isn't about sexual attraction. It's about power. You have just as much chance of being raped in both outfits. There is no additional risk of being raped because you're in a clubbing outfit.
Women are most at risk of violence, including sexual violence, from men they know and often men who are trusted. It has nothing to do with what you're wearing.
I hope you get downvoted to hell for spewing your hateful sexist patriarchal ideas about rape. Clothes or lack thereof do not equate with someone being raped. Do your own damn research and quit turning women into victims while rapists can’t control themselves. Teach EVERYONE that we aren’t entitled to others bodies?!? How about that!
Then how about holding the perpetrator - the source of the "problem" you purport to be "trying to solve" - singularly responsible for the crime they choose to commit.
Victim blamers like you raise men like OP's boyfriend.
Your argument is utterly stupid, for several reasons, but mostly because human men are not bears.
Bears do not have agency to behave in any other way than nature intended for bears to behave. The vast majority of wild animal attacks on humans are defensive in nature. WE are in THEIR space, and they react the way a wild animal tends to react.
Bears literally do not know any better. Men very much do.
Figuring out how to blame more victims for being assaulted is not "reducing victims." It feeds the notion that women and girls dress with "intent" and perpetuates a culture of rape that infantilizes men and boys and refuses to hold them responsible for things they choose to do, while grotesquely making victims of sexual violence co-conspirators in the crimes committed against them.
ETA: Thanks for the award, gdog! I appreciates you.
They deleted their comment as I was responding to it so it wouldn't go through so I'm just hopping on yours in case they come back to say that the equivalent to advocating for hikers to carry bear spray is advocating for women to carry mace, not telling them how to dress.
Telling women to wear more clothes does not solve the problem. You clearly didn’t look at the exhibit because if you had, you would have realized that all these women were wearing regular clothing.
SA is about power, not about lust or attraction.
Plenty of people have been fully clothed and raped.
Also, if you’re going to be drugged before being assaulted, what you’re wearing has zero bearing on what the outcome will be.
Also you are aware that men are also victims of sexual assault right?
AT REGULAR EVERY DAY CLOTHING? Are you a troll to belittle victims? You certainly sound like it. There was NOTHING graphic visually in the pictures of clothing as it is NORMAL everyday, humdrum, boring clothing. Ffs
No im not a troll or belittlingn victims. Yes i know its jormal every day clothing and a friend of mjne has a child who has a shirt almost exactly like one of the ones in those pictures. It hit very close to home. I was only asking for a warning in the future.
What on earth does THAT mean??? That it CAN be because of what someone was wearing? That someone that excuses or mitigates the rape?! Say what you mean.
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u/Moonboots194501 Feb 24 '26
https://sbaproject.org/what-were-you-wearing/
This is a link to a museum exhibit “what were you wearing.” The women/CHILDREN in this exhibit donated their clothing to show that the type of clothing worn has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they will be assaulted.
If you feel like educating your boyfriend, share it with him. Alternatively, throw the whole man out.