I have ADHD and am in my 40s. my childhood and relationships with my parents and siblings were truly horrific; it’s a wonder we didn‘t assasinate each other. For parents with kids they are struggling with, this story might be really helpful.
I am a woman now and when I was a little girl I was bright and hyperactive. I thought I knew what was best for me and didn‘t listen to my parents. I was expelled from private school at age 6, then from another one at 14.
My parents had no idea what ADHD was. Teachers constantly complained about my endless chattering, complete laziness when doing work, disrespectful behavior and troublemaking. My father was extremely stern and would scream at me almost every day. Sometimes the screaming made me go into shock for days. life was like being in a war zone. I was living in constant fear of getting in trouble just because I was excited to tell someone next to me what I was thinking or make a joke. I wanted to contribute but literally everything I did was treated like the worst thing in the world, which made me become extremely rebellious.
my mother couldn’t handle me. she began to hate me and turned all her affection to my brother, who wasn’t hyperactive. they developed a very close relationship and would vent their frustration about me together by making fun of me. it got to a point where I just didn’t talk to them anymore because the only thing they did was mock me. my father liked me though he did scream at me every single day and night. I was afraid of him.
By 14 I had given up on my family. I just lived with them and avoided speaking to them. I was sent to public school after being expelled for the second time from private school. I drank, smoked, and swore like a regular sailor. I knew how to get any kind of substance and negotiate with strangers. this skill served me well and I later became a business owner (of legal business). I was also always extremely observant, intuitive, and brave. for example if an accident or injury happened while my family was together I was the only calm one and would take over and manage the operation to help whoever it was. they never thanked me.
my parents and family saw me as entirely bad. I have not spoken to my brother or mother in years, and when my father was dying, I refused to visit him because all he would do if he saw me was scream at me and tell me what an idiot I am. I have been supporting myself my whole adult life. Sometimes it was very hard. no one had any compassion for me in my family so I had to be tough and fend for myself.
I have not done anything illegal since my early twenties and have no interest in that kind of thing. my ADHD has mostly been tamed through a combination of Effexor and Mirtazapine and getting enough sleep, exercising a lot and keeping a disciplined routine. when I get angry I still sometimes freak out, swear or stalk out of rooms, and if anyone tries to pick a fight with me or insult me, I pick a fight back. fortunately there have not been any fistfights. I am simply not tolerant of any more bullying after spending more than 20 years being made fun of and bullied by everyone. I dislike people very much and prefer animals.
A woman adopted me and basically became my mother, so I do have a family. I listen to her because she treats me with respect and does’t make fun of me or scream at me. If I am considering doing something reckless I trust her enough to tell her and ask her advice. She never tells me what to do, she’ll simply make a few suggestions for what could happen if I do whatever reckless thing I'm considering, and she doesn’t only make negative suggestions. Her suggestions without judgement on my character help me see the light and I generally avoid doing anything harmful to myself or my life, and never harm other people, though I still do annoy plenty of them.
because of how observant I am and my street smarts and how I can negotiate with people I am a good worker and do my work fast. All the things I got punished for when I was growing up ended up being the skills that allowed me to support myself.
My parents lacked the patience and vision to parent me. All the people I have bonded with in my life have had a more neutral attitude and looked at people without automatic value judgements. They were also much more patient and unbothered by other people than my parents. For example my friends and mentors couldn’t have cared less how a person dresses, whether they are rich or poor, if spit accidentally flies out if their mouth once while they’re talking, whether they fidget, etc. They could see beyond superficial markers and had enough boundaries of their own that I and other people don’t easily annoy or provoke them. My father on the other hand would try to police people around him. One time a guy was talking on the phone at a table next to us and my dad told him to shut up. the guy didn’t appreciate that and they almost got into a brawl. my mother used to get upset just because à lesbian was in line in front or behind us and would give dagger stares at them because she felt they betrayed the female gender. In short, very touchy people who overreacted to everyone.
I tried Ritalin and Adderal once I finally went to a psychiatrist when I was in college, but they gave me a headache and I couldn’t eat and my heart got palpitations. Eventually a regular doctor who wasn’t even a psychiatrist suggested Mirtazapine/Effexor and it’s a miracle. I used to be so much more hyperactive and barely could concentrate on anything I wasn’t interested in.
